Terrible Situation

[Redguard]

Sorry, I couldn't even think of a better title for this thread. I didn't want to post about it, but I can't get it off my mind and the whole situation is bothering me a lot.

This is a long post, so get your popcorn.

The church I attend is really huge, so we have little community small groups that we can join in order to get to know other members on a closer level.

We joined ours about two years ago and we've become really close friends with all the people in our group. In fact, I think of them less as small group members, and more as our "crew". We go out for coffee together, watch movies, babysit each others' kids, have dinner and potlucks, etc. There's about 5 couples. We all have kids and we range in age from late 20s to early 40s.

Anyway, back in December, one wife (Mrs. Green) sent out an email to our group saying that her and Mr. Green would no longer be attending our small group meetings. Her explanation was that Mr. Green had been struggling with the ministry leadership at our church (a pre-existing issue that we'd all discussed at length before) and found a new church and, as his wife, she and the kids would follow him to whatever church he felt more comfortable at. Furthermore, there were social activities that the church held on the same days that we'd have our Bible studies, so they wouldn't be able to attend our Bible studies anymore. However, we'd continue to see Mrs. Green at church on alternating weeks because she volunteers in the church nursery and still wanted to fulfill that obligation.

It was all weird and very abrupt. We were sad, but Mrs. Redguard and I didn't press the issue. We sorta just accepted it. Mrs. Redguard planned a goodbye dinner for them and everyone was in attendance. In fact, Mrs. Redguard looks up to Mrs. Green as a sort of mentor. Mr and Mrs. Green are the oldest couple in our group, being in their early 40s. Nicest woman in the world.

Well... here's where things get interesting.

Mrs. Blue sent out an email saying that Bible study would be at the Blue house on Friday. Mrs. Redguard and I were the only other ones there.

We decided to skip the Bible study and just chit-chat and eat snacks instead. After a couple hours, Mrs. Blue said, "Actually, I'm kinda glad that you guys are the only ones that came tonight because there's something that I have to tell you guys and it's really been bothering me."

Mrs. Redguard and I started preparing ourselves for something awful. Mr. Blue got an uncomfortable look on his face.

Mrs. Blue said that late last year, Mr. Green asked to speak to her privately and she agreed. During their conversation, he revealed to her that he was losing interest in Mrs. Green and apparently went on to say a lot of bad things about her. He then went on to reveal that he'd been experiencing some very strong sexual feelings towards Mrs. Blue and he was having trouble dealing with it. Then he concluded the conversation by saying, "I feel like you've been reciprocating the feelings... and if you're interested in pursing this further, then I'm interested as well."

Mrs. Redguard and I both collapsed on the floor when we heard this.

Mrs. Blue said that she told Mr. Green to pray about whatever it was he was going through right away and left. She told Mr. Blue the next day. Mr. Blue saw Mr. Green at the gym a few days later and confronted him. They agreed to have them all meet over coffee to sort out this whole mess.

So, the end result is that the Greens have now excused themselves from our group. Mrs. Blue is hurt because her and Mrs. Green were really good friends. But since Mr. Green accused her of reciprocating feelings (she wasn't), Mrs. Green feels forced to believe her husband and things have now gotten too awkward for them to maintain a friendship.

So now we know the true reason for the Green's not being in our small group anymore. And it bothers us so much that Mr. Green went and poisoned our group like this. There's so much that bothers us about this...

1. Our innocence is lost. We've been communicating with the Greens ever since, like business as usual. And now we know this dirty secret but we can't reveal that we know. We almost wish that they never told us.
2. We feel awful for Mrs. Green because we both see her as an angel on earth who is always going out of her way to help us out
3. We're questioning Mr. Green's sanity. I mean... did he REALLY think that he could get away with this? Something must be wrong with him.
4. We had them all over at our house after the incident for that dinner Mrs. Redguard planned and we came to find out that everyone was feeling uncomfortable and we were clueless!!

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. People really suck sometimes.

 

[BigNorsk]

That is sad. And it is pretty typical that when people leave they make the fault of someone else.

I wouldn't bother keeping things secret.

You have for instance in your group the accusation standing there that the Greens left because of problems with your leaders. That wasn't true, and it shouldn't be allowed to stand.

If you see the Green's and I'm assuming that's going to happen. You don't have to throw it in their faces, but you don't have to pretend either. If they bring it up and start to slander others, you should say something like, "You know that isn't true."

Chances are, when the Greens know you know, that they won't have anything to do with you either.

I would say not to be hard on Mrs Green. At least if she doesn't go and start saying things that aren't true. You certainly can't let her slander Mrs Blue, but I think it isn't likely Mrs Green is going to say anything because she can't say anything about Mrs Blue without saying that her husband also wanted an affair.

And I suspect she realizes that if both her husband and Mrs Blue wanted an affair, they'd have had an affair. I wouldn't read too much into her supporting her husband even what she says because she is in just the most difficult situation of having a husband who's looking for an affair, and she's trying to save a marriage. It's quite normal for a women put in such a difficult situation to have all sorts of problems dealing with it, things like denial, or blaming others, or herself are all natural reactions and one should treat such things with charity.

I would also say that at least you and the Blues need to tell your leaders what is happening. They are responsible, not as in they caused Mr Green to do what he did, but they are put in the role of shepherds and such, and they should know. Maybe they will get an opportunity to help restore the Green's marriage, one never knows, but if they are left out in the dark, how can they shepherd their flock?

Your group really should bring this out in the open and talk about it.

Marv

 

[DZoolander]

I agree with BigNorsk completely.

What a wacky situation to be put in. I'd be feeling the exact same things you are. What's up with that husband where he felt that was a good idea?

Wow.

 

[ranyhyn]

Marv has covered it very well I think. There's no reason to keep this hidden from the leaders. Just as he said about the Greens though you have to be careful not to make comments about them to others as well (which I'm sure you won't... there's no reason to) unless the situation calls for clarification of something.

It's definitely a sucky position to be put in and makes it hard for everyone involved. Continue to pray about it, which I'm sure you're already doing, and do whatever you can to mend the break in relation to the rest who are left in your group. Try to find another couple / family that can fill in where the Green's have left off.

 

[Srenaeb]

Ugh....that's terrible. I hope this never happens within our small group....

We watched a study series together on Judgement, which touches on scandals within the small group. And as a group we decided that if, one day, something terrible were to happen to one or more of us, all of us would come together, and DO something about it in addition to just praying and passing the news around.

Matthew 18:15-17 ---> The Blues have to go talk to the Greens in private, and then if repentence occurs, you've got them back from Satan. If not, ask the Blues to go again with your leaders. And then the whole group. Hopefully this will be enough. If not, unfortunately the Blues will have to inform their new church.....

you have to do SOMETHING because the soul of Mr. and Mrs. Green are at risk here, and also that trust in brothers and sisters have to be restored. Ugh.....God speed guys =(

 

 

[sweeticus]

That really is a sad situation. Do you think the rest of the group will stay intact after this?

 

[Redguard]

Just want to clear some things up.

When I said that Mrs. Green referenced Mr. Green's dissatisfaction with the ministry leadership at our church, I was referring to our pastors. Personally, I have no objection to them "saying" that they left because of the pastorship. That's the last thing I'm interested in challenging. What I mean is, I wouldn't ever confront them and say, "How dare you speak bad of our pastors! You should've admitted that there was an attempt at an affair."

I understand that Mrs. Green would much rather have this whole thing brushed under the rug and not revealed to everyone. She has teenage sons who I'm sure she wants to protect from the embarassment of what they're father tried to do.

There's a Mr. and Mrs. Yellow... they know what happened. Mr. Yellow and Mr. Blue are brothers. In fact, Mrs. Yellow and Mrs. Redguard travel on the train to work together in the mornings. Mrs. Redguard realized afterwards that Mrs. Yellow was trying to "drop hints" to her while on the train without completely revealing what happened. She engaged in a lot of conversations about how secure peoples' marriages are.

Lastly, there's Mr. and Mrs. White. Mrs. White just had a baby a few weeks ago, so she hasn't been told.

I'm pretty sure the rest of our group will remain intact. We'll probably refuse to discuss this openly with each other though.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Have you spoken with Mr. Green one on one? If you can talk with him about this it might help.

 

[Redguard]

Have you spoken with Mr. Green one on one? If you can talk with him about this it might help.

The current gameplan is to keep our lips sealed about the whole incident until the Greens decide, if ever, to bring it up with us.

Mrs. Redguard and Mrs. Green both went to visit Mrs. White (who just gave birth) to help do some cooking and cleaning. She said that nothing was brought up and that she's sure Mrs. Green is just looking for anything that will distract her thoughts away from what's going on at home.

 

[TrustingWife]

Mr Green needs help.

Please don't let him down.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Mr Green needs help.

Please don't let him down.

That was what I was thinking too. If all the guys go talk to him he's likely to get defensive. If one guy does, maybe things can start to get worked out.

 

[CarrieAg93]

Are the ladies in your group planning on keeping a relationship with Mrs. Green? Even just casually? If he's on the prowl she made need their support when he finds someone willing to cheat with him.

 

[Srenaeb]

That was what I was thinking too. If all the guys go talk to him he's likely to get defensive. If one guy does, maybe things can start to get worked out.

Exactly. A brother closest to him, or the party offended (Mr Blue?) needs to go speak with Mr Green, tell him that being emotionally unfaithful to his wife goes against what our Lord Jesus Christ did on the cross. That Christ freed us from the bondage of besetting sins, and that as his followers we are to keep free of besetting sins, because sin is no longer compatible with our life view. That it's not a "private" sin, it's not his business between him and his wife, it's not about division in the small group. This is his salvation we're talking about. Does he think he can live with this sin and be accepted into eternal life? No.

Again, in Matthew 18 Jesus already gave us His command. It is not His advice on what would make everyone feel better. He did not want us to sweep it under the rug, because when He comes back, there will BE no rug, only saved souls and damned souls. This is an urgent matter, please bring your brother back from the brink

He said :
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.