My journey with Him started in a doctor's office a little over 3 years ago. I kept having what felt like heart attacks, that I thought I would die from enough so that I had my wife drive me to the emergency room one night. However, after extensive testing the doctor gave me a clean bill of health and he tried to prescribe me medication to control anxiety. I was really, really embarrassed that I could be so weak, I was so stressed trying to control everything that I was having panic attacks so strongly that I felt I would die from it. I didn't know that what I was thinking could actually manifest physically. I'm fearful of drugs, most everyone in my family has an addiction, seen them loose their minds. I told him no thanks, I would look to counseling instead.
I wasn't a believer. I did not like Christians, in hindsight I viewed Christians as some of the most arrogant, hypocritical people on the face of the earth, preaching mercy but utterly devoid of it. Please understand, this was who I was, not who I am. However, I ran into a debate online by Ravi Zacharias, "the incoherence of atheism" and I was faced with giving a testimony of what I thought instead. I discovered I had no defense, my thoughts were incoherent and so I began watching and listening to every Q&A session I could get my hands on, constantly listening to theologians and began reading the Bible. I need to stop judging, but judge correctly. I want to know truth, whatever it is.
I was hungry for the truth and decided to go to church. I don't know what he preached but the word at the end, startled me. He quoted Deuteronomy 30:19 and it shocked me with self realization down to the very core of me. I had always chosen curse, never the blessing. I started to panic a little, this curse involves my children. Moses warning was stark, my children would follow the same path as me. I waited til the end of the sermon and waited for people to stop talking to the pastor and I asked him where salvation was in the Bible, because he mentioned that at the end of his sermon. I've heard the word several times, just didn't understand the meaning but that sounded like the answer I was seeking. He asked me if I was reading the Bible and and I told him that I was in Chronicles. He told me that I needed to read the New Testament and I was immediately confused, that sounded like a different book so I asked him if there were more than one Bible? I have never had someone look at me like that for a full 5 seconds but I can only assume now he chose mercy and told me to start reading in Matthew. I got home and immediately started reading Matthew. I read slowly, the red texts had such weight to them until I got to chapter 13, the parable of the sower.
I had an open vision of my heart, I saw that there was a black thing that covered it while I was reading. I got to the part where He says that many prophets and righteous men have desired to see this but have not while also having an open vision of my heart. I started crying uncontrollably, I am not worthy of such a thing as they. I had only cried twice in my life and that was when my grandmother died and then my brother died. It had to be really, really strong for something to pierce my heart at that moment in my life. When I got to the end, where He explained the parable. I understood what He was showing me and internally I decided that I would give my heart to Him. I am not worthy of this but after seeing, why would I want a heart like that? I saw him touch my heart and removed what covered my heart.
I never knew the heart had feeling, I had never felt anything but hurt there and His love started pouring into me. It was like fire, it was like the most wonderful thing in the world, it was also like a lifetime pent up inside me and released, and a pain and joy that I never knew Him and an excitement wells up in me, I do now. I was also shattered, I wept so hard for a couple of hours. I'm tearing up now even as I write, He is just so good.
To this day, I have zero anxiety. He delivered me from that but what I am thankful for, is that He found a way to me. That my identity is found in Him, that I have been created thru Him and for Him.
God is real, Jesus is real and His word is absolute. I do not have words to explain how truly wonderful He is other than to say that He loves us so much that if He drew too near, man would die in His presence by His love.
I hope this helps someone, thank you for reading.
