Teenager having sex

[ceeree]

So, i had originaly posted in a different area. My post was needing advice on my 16 year old son having sex, and wether or not we should give him protection, as we knew he wasnt using it. The moral issue of it.
So, my son is having sex. We know this. He had gotten his girlfriend pregant and she miscarried.
Right now he has been grounded a month and isnt allowed to see her.
Welllllll, me new dilima is this. Yesterday my parents went on vacation. Long story short, i caught my son and his girlfriend in my parents home having sex. He had stolen a key to there house earlier and even slit the screen to get in, because my parents had locked the screen door when they left.
We are really at are wits ends here. Withing the past 6 months he has put us through every trial you can imagine. I dont even know how to punish him anymore...he is grounded as he did this!! (he was supposed to be doing a project at school)
The lies and betrayal by him are killing our family. Any advice?

 

[homeofmew]

So here's my issue hes a teenager got his girlfriend pregnant and miscarried?
Am I missing something or didn't he learn the first time?
Obviously he doesn't know the responsibility of a parent (financially and emotionally).

Here's what you can do.. Ask him about how he' what he's going to do if he does get someone pregnant, he's almost 18~ What about paying for college+ expenses of the child. Not to mention the emotional strain you have with the mother and child.

One of the reasons many religions (not just Christianity) forbid sex before marriage is not just because it is immoral, but because it causes emotional harm and psychical consequences (pregnancy).

 

[waxlion10]

I had sex before I was married (without my parents knowing it).

The best thing they could've done, if they'd found out, is accepted that I was an adult (because I was, at the time) and that I was making my own decisions. They didn't have to agree with them, of course. But they couldn't really stop me, either.

I say it's better to provide protection to your son and educate him than to just condemn his actions. Sure, you may not support what he's doing. But is contracting an STD or getting a girl pregnant really worth avoiding getting him protection? I would contest that it is not.

Just my personal opinions... so sorry for your pain

 

[Johnnz]

I agree with Waxlion

John
NZ

 

[OGM]

I agree with Waxlion

John
NZ

I second that

 

[Spiritmace]

I second that

Thirded.

The thing with teenagers is, the more you try and control them, the more you're going to end up pushing them away. Obviously you can't stop him and there is no effective means of punishment. Following that, the next item on your agenda should be your son's well-being. At least having protection there will be a severely lessened chance of another pregnancy.

 

[sunlover1]

I had sex before I was married (without my parents knowing it).

The best thing they could've done, if they'd found out, is accepted that I was an adult (because I was, at the time) and that I was making my own decisions. They didn't have to agree with them, of course. But they couldn't really stop me, either.

I say it's better to provide protection to your son and educate him than to just condemn his actions. Sure, you may not support what he's doing. But is contracting an STD or getting a girl pregnant really worth avoiding getting him protection? I would contest that it is not.

Just my personal opinions... so sorry for your pain

Only thing wrong with this advise is that it goes against God's word...
Which is a big deal imo.

 

[sunlover1]

So, i had originaly posted in a different area. My post was needing advice on my 16 year old son having sex, and wether or not we should give him protection, as we knew he wasnt using it. The moral issue of it.
So, my son is having sex. We know this. He had gotten his girlfriend pregant and she miscarried.
Right now he has been grounded a month and isnt allowed to see her.
Welllllll, me new dilima is this. Yesterday my parents went on vacation. Long story short, i caught my son and his girlfriend in my parents home having sex. He had stolen a key to there house earlier and even slit the screen to get in, because my parents had locked the screen door when they left.
We are really at are wits ends here. Withing the past 6 months he has put us through every trial you can imagine. I dont even know how to punish him anymore...he is grounded as he did this!! (he was supposed to be doing a project at school)
The lies and betrayal by him are killing our family. Any advice?

Hi Ceeree.
I can sort of relate because I have a 16 yo who has been chased by a 17 yo (girl) for the past couple of years. They're not doing anything afaik.. but it's not a good situation for young people to be getting so close. imo.
What do you think that the Bible says about this?

I tell my kids that I have to answer to God and so I have to make them answer
to me. They are not allowed to 'date' . Always been a house rule. Funny thing
is that I have 7 sons and this is the 6th son and i've never before even had to
address such a thing. So it's kind of new for me too ...

Is your son a Christian? If so, there's a good book written for teenagers and
highly recommended.. but it's only effective if they have a heart for the things
of God. It's called "Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye"

You must do something for him certainly. It's easy for people to give you the
advise that he's a grown up, but they dont have to raise grandkids that you
will have to raise either. This could destroy his entire future. Have you
spoken with the pastor?

 

[NJBeliever]

Hi Ceeree.
I can sort of relate because I have a 16 yo who has been chased by a 17 yo (girl) for the past couple of years. They're not doing anything afaik.. but it's not a good situation for young people to be getting so close. imo.
What do you think that the Bible says about this?

I tell my kids that I have to answer to God and so I have to make them answer
to me. They are not allowed to 'date' . Always been a house rule. Funny thing
is that I have 7 sons and this is the 6th son and i've never before even had to
address such a thing. So it's kind of new for me too ...

Is your son a Christian? If so, there's a good book written for teenagers and
highly recommended.. but it's only effective if they have a heart for the things
of God. It's called "Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye"

You must do something for him certainly. It's easy for people to give you the
advise that he's a grown up, but they dont have to raise grandkids that you
will have to raise either. This could destroy his entire future. Have you
spoken with the pastor?

This is great advice which actually aligns with the The Word of God. Why are so many parents surrendering to their children's will?? Do we please men or please God? As someone who works with kids 12-17 and knows many, many of the "secret" things they do, I will tell you -- KIDS WANT TO BE DISCIPLINED. So many times it is apathetic or scared parents who lead kids to see themselves as "CEO of their own destiny." If a parent cannot be a spiritual leader, following God's Word and the example of Christ, how can you ever expect your child to? This does not mean your child is going to automatically listen, but believe me, kids don't want "buddies" as their parents, they want authority figures.

And to give a picture of the kids I am working with, I have 8th graders who are in real gangs that deal drugs pummel other kids, etc. I am not working with a bunch of squeaky clean, home-schooled preachers kids. I am friends with them and have earned their trust, but I make no mistake about where I get my morality from: it's from GOD. I am not going to co-sign or turn a blind eye to any of the bad things they tell me they do. I chastise them for it, show them how they are doing wrong in God's eyes, losing their fellowship with The Lord and exposing themselves to even greater punishment (since we know God will chasten His children). And tell them they need to stop because they are working for the Devil and giving him glory with every sin. And I stay on top of them about it. Yet, they keep confiding in me and coming to class each week (many of them coming on their own as their parents don't even come to church). Structure and discpiline provides emotional security for kids. And God's Word will work on their hearts.

Deuteronomy 6: 6And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

We are not exempt from this command. I understand that the child in this instance is clearly not walking with God and seems to be in complete rebellion. But this can all be changed. For one, have the girl's parents been contacted?? Do they know she was pregnant? Do they care? Bringing them in can help to control the behavior of the kids as they can now keep an eye on their own daughter. I would contact them immediately. And even consider having all of you meet together and discuss this openly (including the kids). Sins should be EXPOSED not hidden. Kids should feel ashamed for their wrong doing. HOw else can they be moved to repentance??

I would then pray to God for faith and get in The Word with your son. What is his spiritual life like? Is he saved? Are you? I would work on building a foundation during this time that he is grounded.

And if possible, I would just take him down a notch electronically. This sounds like a young man who probably has his own phone, computer in room, etc. Take them. They are the main tools to bring in satanic influence into the home for kids.

Surrendering authority to a child and assisting them in fornication is not the answer. Loving your child with Godly love is. That means letting them know the spiritual ramifications of their decisions and that God is running your home and sets all the rules. Will your kid be angry and resist initially? Of course because he is obviously used to getting whatever he wants. But I'd rather my kid get an STD than burn in hellfire. This is what it's all about. Salvation in Christ Jesus. And please don't buy into the illusion that giving your kids condoms ensures they are going to use them. They're children! They are not responsible. 1 out of every 4 teen girls is having an abortion. Do we really want to turn a blind eye to a situation that can lead to a baby being killed?

If you have any other questions about my advice, please feel free to ask. I have already prayed for you and I sincerely hope that God can restore order in this situation. God bless.

 

[.Iona.]

I had sex before I was married (without my parents knowing it).

The best thing they could've done, if they'd found out, is accepted that I was an adult (because I was, at the time) and that I was making my own decisions. They didn't have to agree with them, of course. But they couldn't really stop me, either.

I say it's better to provide protection to your son and educate him than to just condemn his actions. Sure, you may not support what he's doing. But is contracting an STD or getting a girl pregnant really worth avoiding getting him protection? I would contest that it is not.

Just my personal opinions... so sorry for your pain

i agree with you. you cannot force someone to stop what they are doing. you can tell them how you feel and show them all the books on christiainity possible on this subject but it might not make any dfference. it is his life after all, not yours. i would definitely advise him on protection becasue if the christian books etc dont work then there may just be a baby in the picture too.

 

[NJBeliever]

i agree with you. you cannot force someone to stop what they are doing. you can tell them how you feel and show them all the books on christiainity possible on this subject but it might not make any dfference. it is his life after all, not yours. i would definitely advise him on protection becasue if the christian books etc dont work then there may just be a baby in the picture too.

Seriously? So if a 14 year old girl is sleeping with a 30 year old man, her parents should just hand her protection and wish her the best? Because after all, they can't force her to stop right? That's ridiculous.

 

[.Iona.]

Seriously? So if a 14 year old girl is sleeping with a 30 year old man, her parents should just hand her protection and wish her the best? Because after all, they can't force her to stop right? That's ridiculous.

Did i say that?! if something illegal then no i do not agree in allowing it to happen. but here a 16 yr old having sex is not illegal.

dont put words in my mouth please.

 

[love is God's face]

well, fact is that you can't actually force him to stop having sex by punishing him no matter how hard it is to accept. Obviously, grounding him is not working so first pray to God for guidance on what the most effective way to stop him is.

Secondly, is he a Christian? (really a Christian? not telling you he is because that's what he knows you want to hear) Whether he is or not, pray for him because it's only God that can change his heart. Then keep talking to him like a parent, keep being loving no matter what.

Thirdly, if after all this he's still goes on with sex, give him the protection... not because you're encouraging him to have sex (and you should point that out to him) but because you don't want things to get worse - contracting STDs, having a baby and the psychological issues that come with them.

 

[waxlion10]

I don't think my advice goes against the word of God, and here's why.

So many times as Christians, we focus on the ACTIONS instead of the HEART of the person. If someone is acting like an unbeliever (as I was when I was having sex outside of marriage), then the main concern of the parent, in my opinion, should be restoring that child/teenager to repentance.

Forcing someone who isn't a believer to behave like a believer when they're making other choices will do nothing, imo, to bring them to the Lord. Focusing on the actions, which are the FRUIT of the heart (which doesn't belong to the Lord yet), does nothing for the SOURCE of the problem (the heart).

It doesn't mean we condone their behaviors (or that my parents should have condoned my sex outside of marriage, getting drunk, etc.). But it does mean that there was obviously a disconnect between my profession of being a "Christian" and my heart.

I don't see how buying my kid condoms and saying, "You know I disagree with what you're doing, but you're making your own decisions. If you are going to have sex outside of the way God intended it, please at least be safe about it," is condoning the behavior... I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think the best thing we can do for those who are living in sin is love them, pray for them, share what we believe to be the truth with them... but we can't argue anyone into heaven or into a relationship with Christ. Arguing and fighting and being in denial will do no good, imo.

 

[sunlover1]

I don't think my advice goes against the word of God, and here's why.

I do and here's why:
14Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly,
comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
15See that none render evil for evil unto any man;
but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men. 16Rejoice evermore. 17Pray without ceasing.
18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
19Quench not the Spirit. 20Despise not prophesyings.
21Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
22Abstain from all appearance of evil.

So many times as Christians, we focus on the ACTIONS instead of the HEART of the person. If someone is acting like an unbeliever (as I was when I was having sex outside of marriage), then the main concern of the parent, in my opinion, should be restoring that child/teenager to repentance.

While standing up for righteousness.

Forcing someone who isn't a believer to behave like a believer when they're making other choices will do nothing, imo, to bring them to the Lord. Focusing on the actions, which are the FRUIT of the heart (which doesn't belong to the Lord yet), does nothing for the SOURCE of the problem (the heart).

Your theory is wrong.
Not to be disrespectful but as a mom who's raised many of my seven
sons and one daughter, I have seen what works and what doesnt.
Nevermind the fact that we don't put evil for good and good for evil.
Sin is EVIL.. it destroys!
We stand by and allow our children to be destroyed? NO WAY!
I JUST finished a long discussion with my youngest three (teens)
and funny that I talked to them about raising kids. I told them that
when the time comes to raise their children, they must be diligent.

It doesn't mean we condone their behaviors (or that my parents should have condoned my sex outside of marriage, getting drunk, etc.). But it does mean that there was obviously a disconnect between my profession of being a "Christian" and my heart.

Exactly, it doesn't mean we condone (or assist)
Disconnect?
We always just called it SIN lol.
Not that i focus on SIN now, because we don't. Jesus dealt
with sin, now we can help our kids to deal with sin in their own
lives. Jesus freed us from the bondage.
Why would we help them to stay bound?
No way man! Love them up and tell them the truth too.

I don't see how buying my kid condoms and saying, "You know I disagree with what you're doing, but you're making your own decisions. If you are going to have sex outside of the way God intended it, please at least be safe about it," is condoning the behavior... I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think the best thing we can do for those who are living in sin is love them, pray for them, share what we believe to be the truth with them... but we can't argue anyone into heaven or into a relationship with Christ. Arguing and fighting and being in denial will do no good, imo.

[/QUOTE]
Except we're talking about our own children here.
In that case they are to be taught to honor and obey
their parents.

 

[waxlion10]

Sunlover,
Thanks for your thoughts. I respect your opinions and experience, but we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't understand what the verses you posted have to do with my response... abstain from the appearance of evil? *shrug* My theory is wrong? Well, perhaps to you, but not to all parents. We could probably argue until we were blue in the face, but neither of us would budge

And yes, my sinful behavior CAUSED the disconnect (a gap or gulf) between my profession of being a Christian. Sin always causes separation from God. Did you think I was trying to sugarcoat sin? That wasn't my intention.


I wonder if our differing opinions come from different approaches to salvation/God. In which case, neither of us can "argue" the other to our side While I understand what you're saying about helping our kids "deal with their sin" and not staying bound to it, I believe that only Christ can free us from our sins. And if a 16, 17, or 18-year-old child is rejecting Christ and not making godly choices, then a parent can't FORCE them to change, ya know?

I'm not suggesting we just sit back, relax, and let our kids live in sin. What I'm saying is that we can't FORCE them to live for God if they're not born again, so we must focus on bringing them to Christ FIRST. I believe one of the most alienating things for teenagers is when parents force Christ on them.

That's all I have to say; I'm out.

 

[sunlover1]

Sunlover,
Thanks for your thoughts. I respect your opinions and experience, but we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't understand what the verses you posted have to do with my response... abstain from the appearance of evil? *shrug* My theory is wrong? Well, perhaps to you, but not to all parents. We could probably argue until we were blue in the face, but neither of us would budge

And yes, my sinful behavior CAUSED the disconnect (a gap or gulf) between my profession of being a Christian. Sin always causes separation from God. Did you think I was trying to sugarcoat sin? That wasn't my intention.


I wonder if our differing opinions come from different approaches to salvation/God. In which case, neither of us can "argue" the other to our side While I understand what you're saying about helping our kids "deal with their sin" and not staying bound to it, I believe that only Christ can free us from our sins. And if a 16, 17, or 18-year-old child is rejecting Christ and not making godly choices, then a parent can't FORCE them to change, ya know?

I'm not suggesting we just sit back, relax, and let our kids live in sin. What I'm saying is that we can't FORCE them to live for God if they're not born again, so we must focus on bringing them to Christ FIRST. I believe one of the most alienating things for teenagers is when parents force Christ on them.

That's all I have to say; I'm out.

No one is suggesting that you try to 'force' God on your children.
I said that we teach them to honor their parents.
But either way, meanwhile, we must obey OUR Father.
Providing birth control for my children that they might
have sex without worry is not obeying my Father.
Anymore than providing alcohol for my friend who's a drunk
because he's jonesin for a drink..
Do i obey God or appease the sinner?
So there we are and now we must figure out a different plan.

 

[Johnnz]

No one is suggesting that you try to 'force' God on your children.
I said that we teach them to honor their parents.
But either way, meanwhile, we must obey OUR Father.
Providing birth control for my children that they might
have sex without worry is not obeying my Father.
Anymore than providing alcohol for my friend who's a drunk
because he's jonesin for a drink..
Do i obey God or appease the sinner?
So there we are and now we must figure out a different plan.

The examples you gave don't hold water in a case such as premarital sex.

For a long time the Catholic church abetted the spread of aids by opposing birth control in undeveloped countries, thereby consigning both parent and as yet unborn children to a fatal disease. More recently they saw the greater good that birth control brings, especially to innocent children, and changed their stance.

In a fallen world we sometimes need to accept that some situations are less than ideal, and chose the greater good. The 'accidental' creation of another eternal being without any adequate family upbringing is too high a price for simplistic moralisms.

John
NZ

 

[OGM]

The examples you gave don't hold water in a case such as premarital sex.

For a long time the Catholic church abetted the spread of aids by opposing birth control in undeveloped countries, thereby consigning both parent and as yet unborn children to a fatal disease. More recently they saw the greater good that birth control brings, especially to innocent children, and changed their stance.

In a fallen world we sometimes need to accept that some situations are less than ideal, and chose the greater good. The 'accidental' creation of another eternal being without adequate an family upbringing is too high a price for simplistic moralisms.

John
NZ

 

[NJBeliever]

Did i say that?! if something illegal then no i do not agree in allowing it to happen. but here a 16 yr old having sex is not illegal.

dont put words in my mouth please.

Are you listening to yourself, if it's against the law you absolutely would not allow it, but if it's against God's Word, then you allow it??? Are we here to please God or men? Wow. I am stunned.

My original point was that if you want to stop your kids from doing something you will. And you just showed that you do when "the law" is involved. Well following the law will not help you in the eyes of God if you are condoning and encouraging sin. Giving your kids condoms is participating in their sin. You are bringing judgment upon your entire home and corrupting your own child.

If you don't draw a line for your children, who will? Does it mean the child will listen? No. Does it mean they won't throw a fit? They probably will. But parents, and I mean Christian parents, have a duty before The Lord to raise their children to know His Word and fear and respect Him. I am very saddened to read so many of these posts on here.

Matthew 18:5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. 6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

I urge parents who are surrendering in the spiritual battle for their children's souls to repent and pray to God for strength. Look to the Bible for your answers, not "your heart" or Oprah or a magazine. Trust in the Lord. God bless.