Teen needing to talk to some parents...

[Nick_Loves_Abba]

I'm soooo depressed right now I don't know what to do... here's the scoop.

I try realllly hard not to screw up but it seems like screwing up follows me around wherever I go. I'm turning 19 this week....

Tonight my parents had my watch my 11 year old sister. Well a friend called and wanted to come over, he lives about 8 minutes away. So I asked my sister if she would be ok with me leaving to pick up my friend and she said yah no problem so I did. I made sure the stove was off and that she had a way to reach me if she needed me during that short time I was gone. I also woulndn't have left her for those few moments if my parents had left her on occassion by herself for an hr or so while they were gone. So... I leave to go pick up my friend. I get home and my father is sitting by the car waiting for me. I get out and right away I can tell he's been drinking. He's not a drunk, but I could tell he was drunk. Him and my mom went out and had some drinks. Anyway... I come home and a big fight escalates. My mom is sober. So we fight for a while and my friend is out in the car the entire time getting a ride from some friends cause my mom asked him to leave. This big sad fight erupts in the house because I left my sister home for about 15 minutes and my dad is yelling at me calling me irresponsible. So I go to my room to get away. A few minutes later my friend comes in and says he needs he clothes for work the next day and then he will be leaving right away. My dad barges in the room and yells at him telling him he has to leave and my friend calmly tells him he'll be leaving he just needs to get his things. My dad contiunes on and tells him he really needs to leave and grabs him physcially and literally throws him out of my room. Well... my friend forgot his shoes in my room and realized it as he was walking out the door (he had his things with him as he was getting kicked out.) So he tells my dad he needs his shoes for work and my dad yells at him telling him he made a bad choice and says a bunch of things whcih reallyt didny make since like, "You don't have any shoes!" and then forceably again throws him out of the house and then continues to yell at my friends in the car waiting to take my other friend home. This makes me so angry that I yell and ask him what it is he thinks he's doing. He storms up into my room and by this time I'm crying at the scene cause I've never seen my father like this before. And my mom comes up here and tried to get my father away from me and then I yell WHAT THE (BLANK) is his problem!? This is inbetween all my sobs and I really am just shaking with such anger because this is something which has never happened before. MY dad then charges at me and my mom literally has to hold him back. My dad is 6'4 and I'm only like 5'8... I'm bawling my eyes out and then by this time im freaking out at just what happened and then my mom somehow tries to put all of this on me. They make me feel soooo bad sometimes like I seriously try not to screw up because I did alot when I was a bit younger and I hated fighting with them. But now I'm sitting here and I don't know or not if I was wrong and deserved this or not. I feel like this whole things was so unwarranted but they are always soo good at making me feel so bad even when I sometimes don't think I am, for instance tonight. Then my mom and I start arguing saying that if I move out of the house its my decision but I will end up flipping burgers my entire life and ... I'm sorry sorry this is jumbled up but I'm just so filled with emotion its hard to get my thoughts together ya know? I mean what should I do?! Should I feel like I deserve this?! My friends called me later tonight and told me that I really should get out of the house but if I do my parents wont pay for college anymore and life would be sooooo hard working full time and going to school full time it would be WAY to much on my plate. I just need some feedback here... I feel like I've got nowhere to go and all of my options are bad ones. But tomorrow morning there's no way I can look my dad in the face after what he did... and then when my mother tried to justify his actions and then try to make me feel like I should sympathize with him and that I should stop "feeling sorry for myself"... I just couldn't believe the things coming out of her mouth. Then she tried to make me feel like I had it good cause I didn't get beat. I told her I wished my dad would've hit me (I don't know why... ) and then she told me well he probably should have. And then she told how her father doesn't love her as much as my father loves me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just feel like I can't win is all. I try not to screw up, and I do, and this is what happens. ANy advice? Any feedback? Love, Nicholas.

 

[Princessperky]

Well that is a rather large mouthful there, I don't have a lot to say except, no you prolly shouldn't leave your 'charge' unless it is normal and accepted practice (like your parents wouldn't be suprised by it). BUT.. no you don't deserve a night like that for leaving either.

As for what to do, I certainly can't answer that....Lesser evil pick comes to mind, pick the least bad option.

Sounds like your mom is pulling her experience with her father into your relationship with yours, which isn't helpful to either of you, you are not her and he is not him. She sounds like she feels she did her part keeping her DH from hitting you and you are not apriciative of it cause you don't think he had a right to and think he should have the control not to (and you are right) but that doesn't help her.

Anyway you can't win in this game called life, it is like the sims you pick your own goals and meet them (or not) reevaluate your REAL goals, and head for them, nevermind the setbacks, since there is no save game we all have them.

 

[andiesmama]

As a parent, I don't feel you made the right choice in leaving your sister alone in the house to go pick up your friend. If the reason he needed to come over to your house was to get clothes for work, then he could've gotten to your house some other way than you leaving your sister alone, even if it was only for a short time. Your parents left you in charge of her, it doesn't matter if they've left her alone before, they trusted you to be in charge. Lots of things can happen in an instant, trust me!

That said, I don't think that excuses your parent's behavior that evening. Not being there myself, and only reading from your post, I get the feeling that emotions were high and it does seem like your parents over-reacted. I think there are much more deep-rooted issues than this one instance of you leaving your sister at home alone.

You technically are an adult now and need to pray about and make your own decisions about what is right for you in your life right now. You said if you leave your parents won't pay for college anymore, and you don't think you could handle working and going to school....well, alot of people have done just that! You can handle anything through God...pray about this & let Him guide you.

 

[Celticflower]

That said, I don't think that excuses your parent's behavior that evening. Not being there myself, and only reading from your post, I get the feeling that emotions were high and it does seem like your parents over-reacted. I think there are much more deep-rooted issues than this one instance of you leaving your sister at home alone.

QUOTE]

I think this is probably very true. Something other than you leaving your sister alone is going on, and it may have nothing to do with you. You just happened to be the target of convenience.

As for moving out, working and schooling -- is there a guidance counselor you can talk to? They may be able to give you options you are unaware of.

For dealing with your parents--I suggest you again turn to outside help. A pastor or crisis counselor (face to face-not phone hotlines) may be able to help you find answers. And pray alot! Pray for strength, guidance, healing and for your parents. If emotions get heated again, excuse yourself from the situation calmly, go to your room or out of the house and pray.

 

[McDLT]

There are lots of suggestions I have for what you should have done, but what's happened has happened and we can't change the past, so we have to learn from it and move on.

I think you might feel better and your parents might look at you differently if you apologized for neglecting your responsibility and leaving your sibling alone. That doesn't justify what happened afterward, but you made a mistake and need to own that and take responsibility for it. Don't ask for an apology from them or make excuses. Just apologize and say you are sorry for that.

As for the rest of the situation which ensued, I think there are other issues involved. I would need to know both sides before being able to offer any suggestions, if any. Sorry.

God Bless.

 

[VickiY]

I think that you should wait until things are calmer, apologize to your father for leaving your sister alone, and say that it will not happen again. You can then ask him (without starting with "what's the big deal?") where you erred in judgment. With many parents, there is an enormous difference between leaving an eleven year old child alone in the daytime, and leaving one alone at night. That may have been the basis of his anger, or that he first thought you may have be gone for the whole time, and as a result built up uncontrolled anger before thinking (Shoot first, ask questions later). If your dad says he doesn't want to talk about it, then apologize, and leave it be.

Do not leave the house based on one incident like this, as everyone has off days, especially the parents of teenagers.

God bless you!

 

[VickiY]

I will also add that his response could have been irrational fear, based on all the stories of child murders and molestations in the news...he could have panicked with that on his mind.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Oh sweetheart- I just wanted to give you a big hug!! I have no good advice, other than try really hard to keep on loving your folks and forgiving them even though they're imperfect.... I sure hope my kids will keep doing that for me. I am sorry things are so hard right now.