Super Meanie Genie!

[Chesterton]

Granted, you're in Dixie. It's 1861. Get your uniform on.

I wish to own my own hedge fund.

 

[mama2one]

granted
now you can buy new hedge trimmers & ALL the neighbors want you to trim their hedges, too




wish for child to have one more snow day

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted. The earth heats up to such an extent that that was the last snow ever to fall.

I wish I had enough bookcases

 

[public hermit]

Granted. Your excess books have been given to the Books Are Really Fun Foundation. BARFF thanks you.

I wish random thoughts were profitable.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted. As thinking is now profitable, it gets tightly regulated, taxed, and policed to an ever increasing extent to feed the bureaucratic machinery.

I wish for a good night's sleep.

 

[public hermit]

Granted. You've volunteered to replace some poor sap on the chain gang. Not only are you physically exhausted but your conscience is satiated in the glory of your good deed. You're sleeping like a baby.

I wish I were twins.

 

[Chesterton]

Granted, but your twin just robbed a bank and fled the country, so your face is on all the Wanted posters.

I wish there was a non-alcoholic whiskey.

 

[public hermit]

Granted. Unfortunately, you are now a non-whiskey alcoholic, which is better but not by much.

How I wish we had a twelve-step program for people who spent too much time on CF!

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted. The programme now has its own forum on CF, where you can post and discuss it.

I wish the Marx that keeps being admired by modern politics was Groucho, not Karl.

 

[Chesterton]

Granted in part. I split the difference and modern politics now derives its ethos from this '80's pop idol:

I wish electricity had never been invented. (Invented, discovered, harnessed, whatever.)

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted. In the early 1700s the fearsome Amish warlord, Josephat Mecklinaburg, overran the rest of the world, establishing the Ordnung Militant system. Odd that hecwould succeed, but you know, magic. It enforces a brutal regime of barnbuilding and butter-churning.

I wish I could get good help these days.

 

[public hermit]

Granted. Now everything is done for you. Welcome to your new life where you have no purpose and a belly that extends farther than your dreams.

I wish for a better temperament, please.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted. Since you wish for a better temperament, invoking wording from the humoural system of Galen, the entire world is now based on the ancient Four Element model of Physics that it grew from. Subsequently, no modern technology or medicine works anymore.

I wish for cake.

 

[Chesterton]

Granted. Here's your broccoli cake.

I wish puppies would stay puppies forever.

 

[public hermit]

Granted, but we could only achieve this most worthy of wishes if all puppies were boarded by you. No other volunteers stepped forward, and since this is your wish...Enjoy the puppies, and everything you own being torn to shreds! Aren't they cute!

I wish PETA would finally accept the yearly invitation to my world famous BBQ. They've hurt my feelings.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted, but due to the awkwardness of PETA being present, everyone only brings sawdust-like meat substitutes and vegan sauces based on unpronouncable ingredients from obscure countries that all taste of rotten fish. That is until your aunt Edith arrives in her fur coat, leading to a fit of apoplectics and more paint flying than toddlers doing finger-painting.

I wish I could get these stains out of my carpet.

 

[lucypevensie]

Granted. I got all the stains out with bleach, and now you have blotchy carpet.

I wish I were still on vacation.

 

[gennypearl]

Granted, but you can't go home unless this pandemic is over.

I wish for this world to be a wish granting factory.

 

[Chesterton]

Granted, but Communists have taken control of the factory.

I wish grapefruit came pre-sliced.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Granted, but each slice is individually wrapped in tiny plastic sachets that is almost impossible to grip and open.

I wish to get out of here.