- Nov 14, 2013
- 117
- 73
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
I tried my best to write a book about my suicide attempt in 2012 which left me handicapped and it sold very few copies. In fact, when people ask me, "are you a military veteran? Or what happened?" I am often way too ashamed to tell the truth so I just say it was a hiking accident to keep small talk to remain small.
The mystery is, and to this day I stick with it, I feel like I am a better man these last 6-7 years than I have ever been my whole life regardless of how good or bad I have felt. My feelings are irrelevant. I’m not measuring my feelings after all, but I’m measuring my relationship with God. Even though I have a prosthetic foot, a broken spine, several ribs removed etc… I am more upright than I’ve ever been and I’m sure of it.
When I was a boy, I was introduced to Jesus by my older sister Maureen. What hurt me most about modern day Christianity was that every time I would go to church they would ask us to accept Jesus into our hearts. The first time was fine, but then I was confused and frustrated that I had to do it over and over again. Another thing that hit me time and time again, was when I went to master-bate. Me and the guys would joke so I know there are others out there.. I would be so over ridden with guilt that often times I didn’t know if I would go to Hell or not. No one told me that I would be saved no matter what. Maybe no one knew themselves. After a while of feeling so tired of feeling guilty you kind of just say to yourself, “well if I don’t believe then I won’t feel bad after I do it.” I’d come back to God but it was the cycle of leaving and coming back to God that made other practices such as Buddhism and other easy “no guilt” practices very attractive. It was all too easy and I didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. But the problem was, the less I felt guilty, the more I got away with sin, and the more I got away with sin, the more I became guilty.
I quickly or more or less, slowly, became the sinner I never dreamed I would become. Because I had forsaken my first love, Jesus.
I became a pot smoker. A cigarette smoker. A drinker.
The main one here was cigarette smoking. The months leading up to my suicide try, I was smoking 1-2 packs a day. I had no control over the addiction. In the morning when my eye lids would open, my whole soul would cry out, “Dear God, not another day.” Then I would search out the lighter and cigarettes I had thrown in the garage trash can the night before. Then I would smoke. Then I would await the demon possession that I would get on weekly basis.
Whatever it was that caused me to jump at the Canyon that day, it’s over now. I smoke no. I drink no. I curse no. I lie….sometimes..(Joke) I love God and I am right with my Father in Heaven. So yes. God works in mysterious ways. We have yet to see His Glory! So keep moving. Keep going. Keep breathing. God bless!
The mystery is, and to this day I stick with it, I feel like I am a better man these last 6-7 years than I have ever been my whole life regardless of how good or bad I have felt. My feelings are irrelevant. I’m not measuring my feelings after all, but I’m measuring my relationship with God. Even though I have a prosthetic foot, a broken spine, several ribs removed etc… I am more upright than I’ve ever been and I’m sure of it.
When I was a boy, I was introduced to Jesus by my older sister Maureen. What hurt me most about modern day Christianity was that every time I would go to church they would ask us to accept Jesus into our hearts. The first time was fine, but then I was confused and frustrated that I had to do it over and over again. Another thing that hit me time and time again, was when I went to master-bate. Me and the guys would joke so I know there are others out there.. I would be so over ridden with guilt that often times I didn’t know if I would go to Hell or not. No one told me that I would be saved no matter what. Maybe no one knew themselves. After a while of feeling so tired of feeling guilty you kind of just say to yourself, “well if I don’t believe then I won’t feel bad after I do it.” I’d come back to God but it was the cycle of leaving and coming back to God that made other practices such as Buddhism and other easy “no guilt” practices very attractive. It was all too easy and I didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. But the problem was, the less I felt guilty, the more I got away with sin, and the more I got away with sin, the more I became guilty.
I quickly or more or less, slowly, became the sinner I never dreamed I would become. Because I had forsaken my first love, Jesus.
I became a pot smoker. A cigarette smoker. A drinker.
The main one here was cigarette smoking. The months leading up to my suicide try, I was smoking 1-2 packs a day. I had no control over the addiction. In the morning when my eye lids would open, my whole soul would cry out, “Dear God, not another day.” Then I would search out the lighter and cigarettes I had thrown in the garage trash can the night before. Then I would smoke. Then I would await the demon possession that I would get on weekly basis.
Whatever it was that caused me to jump at the Canyon that day, it’s over now. I smoke no. I drink no. I curse no. I lie….sometimes..(Joke) I love God and I am right with my Father in Heaven. So yes. God works in mysterious ways. We have yet to see His Glory! So keep moving. Keep going. Keep breathing. God bless!
