Chaplain David
CF Chaplain
Hi everyone, please feel free to post in the thread. Please post in love, on topic, and with a helping heart. Thank you.
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I also arranged a couple of "girl-dates" with some girlfriends in the UK in the weeks after I get home, so that I can have some support or at least a distraction from everything that's going on at home.
I have wives call me about their husbands secret inappropriate content use and what can they do. It is difficult for the husband to accept he has a problem when he is so immersed. Some times it takes something quite radical like leaving until he pops out of his dark cloud. But before you do that may I suggest a manual you can buy him that would definitely help him. Here's my story with the manual info at the end.
I came across inappropriate content accidentally by typing in .com instead of .net for a web address. What I saw exploded my mind and a lot of hidden anchors from the past surfaced. That was 18 years ago. About 4 years later I managed to wean myself off of inappropriate content. I still am tempted here and there but I have a strength in God and a plan and system in place to overcome. After a few more years I started an organization called Set Free inappropriate content, to help men be set free from inappropriate content and lately I started another organization to do the same but also to provide a tool for men to use at home, OFF the internet. It is a self help Manual titled, " Empowering Men - to Overcome The Temptation." You can get the manual from Save The Source . It is 90 pages long and has a unique approach unlike any other manual or book. It will definitely help men stop viewing inappropriate content.
As a man yourself .. do you think that a man in your position would be okay about it if his wife gave him such a manual?I have wives call me about their husbands secret inappropriate content use and what can they do. It is difficult for the husband to accept he has a problem when he is so immersed. Some times it takes something quite radical like leaving until he pops out of his dark cloud. But before you do that may I suggest a manual you can buy him that would definitely help him. Here's my story with the manual info at the end.
I came across inappropriate content accidentally by typing in .com instead of .net for a web address. What I saw exploded my mind and a lot of hidden anchors from the past surfaced. That was 18 years ago. About 4 years later I managed to wean myself off of inappropriate content. I still am tempted here and there but I have a strength in God and a plan and system in place to overcome. After a few more years I started an organization called Set Free inappropriate content, to help men be set free from inappropriate content and lately I started another organization to do the same but also to provide a tool for men to use at home, OFF the internet. It is a self help Manual titled, " Empowering Men - to Overcome The Temptation." You can get the manual from Save The Source . It is 90 pages long and has a unique approach unlike any other manual or book. It will definitely help men stop viewing inappropriate content.
He's putting you in a really difficult position there, because how do you know when "strictness" turns into "aggression"? Plus - you're not his mom, and I don't think that "strictness" belongs in marriage, y'know? It seems like we should be strict with our kids (where necessary), but with a spouse? I'm not sure about that at all.He said it's helpful for him that i take such a strict approach and don't let him "get away with it", but that when I'm really aggressive about it he feels like he's on his own and I'm not willing to support him while he tries to deal with it.
Hi, thanks for the continued support / prayer / advice. Things have been a little better this week. I came home from the States last Wednesday, and for the first time I wasn't looking forward to going home and seeing him. When he got back from work that evening, he was very loving and affectionate, and we did have sex, but I didn't even get through that without crying. Normally I just bury my face in his shoulder or in the pillow or something if I cry during sex so he doesn't notice, and normally I'm done crying before we're finished, but this time he noticed and was bewildered as to why. I didn't want to bring it up and have a big argument on my first day home so I told him I was just happy to be home.
On Friday I was still feeling pretty down about the whole thing, but I told him at dinner that I really felt convicted that I hadn't responded well to him in the past (which was true), that I've attacked him personally rather than addressing the problem, and that I haven't listened when he's tried to explain what drives him to do this. I told him that I perceive this an attack from Satan on our marriage, and that if either of us allows it to come between us, he's winning. I also told him that God had opened my eyes to that fact that whenever I sin, it causes Him the same hurt and betrayal that I feel when DH uses inappropriate content, and I apologised for having such a self-righteous attitude and leaving so many things uncorrected in my own life while I concentrated on his sin. I'd hoped that this would open up a conversation about the inappropriate content use itself, but it didn't, beyond DH thanking me for apologising. He said it's helpful for him that i take such a strict approach and don't let him "get away with it", but that when I'm really aggressive about it he feels like he's on his own and I'm not willing to support him while he tries to deal with it. I was kind of frustrated that the conversation didn't develop further, but I didn't push it.
After we next had sex, I asked him if having sex with me feels different than looking at inappropriate content, even though the physical processes going on in his body are the same. He wasn't really keen to talk about it, but we did manage to have an open conversation with no raised voices or accusations, so that was good. He still couldn't understand why it affected me, so I told him that the thing that stops me from starting down the road of infidelity when I'm tempted to really flirt with a guy in a bar or something is the knowledge that I gave my sexuality freely and competely to him, so I can't snatch part of it back and give it to someone else, or spend it some selfish little pleasure that I want, because it's not mine; it's his. The reverse is also true; when we got married he gave his sexuality to me of his own free will, and when he looks at inappropriate content, he's snatching some of it back to spend on himself. That's why it affects me. He considered this for a while, then said that he'd never thought of it as part of his sexuality before; he just thought it was an inherent character flaw. But he said when I put it like that he could see why it is my buisness, after all. And he said repeatedly that it makes him feel horrible, and he thinks it's wrong, and he wants to stop.
We still didn't establish anything like whether we were going to put filters on the other computers / mobile devices, or set up an accountability partner for him, but at least we're talking honestly about it. I told him it would help me to be supportive if he also told me some of the times that he resists temptation, rather than just the times he gives in. I think knowing that 90% of the time he does the right thing will help me not to totally flip out over the 10% that he does the wrong thing.
I fully anticipate that he will slip up again in this area, and at that point I will insist on more positive action on his part. But I didn't want to go straight in with a list of "demands" or an ultimatum, because my track record is to deal with this in kind of an aggressive way, so I wanted to first establish with him that I'm on his side and that I'll come on this journey with him. The next time we talk about it we can discuss what exactly the 'journey' will look like and what we are and aren't going to bring with us.
Anyway, I apologise for the super-long post! Thank you all again for reading and posting and praying and sharing your own experiences.
That sounds like you two had a productive conversation. I think the mindset of this being a spiritual attack, and something BOTH of you should be vigilant to make sure it doesn't come between you is an excellent one. I think reminding each other of that is helpful----our enemy STEALS and DESTROYS, and the more your husband realizes he's being stolen from---maybe the more he will be willing to fight it...seeing it properly....hating it. We don't run towards the things we hate.I told him that I perceive this an attack from Satan on our marriage, and that if either of us allows it to come between us, he's winning. I also told him that God had opened my eyes to that fact that whenever I sin, it causes Him the same hurt and betrayal that I feel when DH uses inappropriate content.
After we next had sex, I asked him if having sex with me feels different than looking at inappropriate content, even though the physical processes going on in his body are the same. He wasn't really keen to talk about it, but we did manage to have an open conversation with no raised voices or accusations, so that was good. He still couldn't understand why it affected me, so I told him that the thing that stops me from starting down the road of infidelity when I'm tempted to really flirt with a guy in a bar or something is the knowledge that I gave my sexuality freely and competely to him, so I can't snatch part of it back and give it to someone else, or spend it some selfish little pleasure that I want, because it's not mine; it's his. The reverse is also true; when we got married he gave his sexuality to me of his own free will, and when he looks at inappropriate content, he's snatching some of it back to spend on himself. That's why it affects me. He considered this for a while, then said that he'd never thought of it as part of his sexuality before; he just thought it was an inherent character flaw. But he said when I put it like that he could see why it is my buisness, after all. And he said repeatedly that it makes him feel horrible, and he thinks it's wrong, and he wants to stop.
He still couldn't understand why it affected me, so I told him that the thing that stops me from starting down the road of infidelity when I'm tempted to really flirt with a guy in a bar or something is the knowledge that I gave my sexuality freely and competely to him, so I can't snatch part of it back and give it to someone else, or spend it some selfish little pleasure that I want, because it's not mine; it's his.
Dearest Peckaboo,
I'm glad that things are a bit better between you and your husband. I understand your frustration that the conversation did not go as far as you wanted. Keep praying. It will happen. Let God do his work The best thing you can do right now is pray for your husband, and ask God for everything you need.
Tell your husband sincerely that you understand there will be relapses. You have done some research and his addiction is one of the toughest addictions to have freedom from. (It can be done with God's help. Remember nothing is impossible with God). Tell your husband that you want him to feel safe to talk with you about it, but also explain to him that it hurts you. It would be like you looking at the same thing and saying to him he's not big enough etc...or as your example seeing something you desire, but not acting upon it because you value your husband more.
My husband knows that both the inappropriate contentography and lying hurt, but the lying hurts more. He also knows that I'm very good with computers and can find anything he is hiding. He has agreed to tell me the truth when he messes up and I have said that I will try to understand and lift him up instead of getting angry as long as he keeps trying.
He also will tell me when he is struggling. I would suggest marriage counseling for the both of you. A group counselor can take the pressure off and will teach you how to communicate. Explain to him based on the research you have done that he needs an accountability partner besides yourself. Did you mention that your husband asked you to work on some things through a counselor? If so you may say honey I did this for you would you be willing to go to group counseling with me? Start off with group counseling it will eventually become a stepping off point for individual counseling for him.
Do you have the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian? I know I keep hashing on this point. If you don't have it either let me send you a copy or get it right away. The prayers in it are extremely helpful and I have watched my husband turn from night into day with God's help.
So far when I have prayed to God.
My husband recognized he had a problem.
Took a test which confirmed it.
Is going to marriage counseling with me.
Agreed to get a filter for his computer.
Is looking for an accountability partner to help.
Went to church with me on Sunday.
And came closer than he ever has to taking Jesus Christ as his Savior.
We have much work to do in the future. I still don't trust him, but everyday is getting better.
Stay in faith and pray. Listen to God when he tells you to keep silent or to speak.
Blessings on you both. I keep you in my prayers everyday and night.
Appologies for a general comment in a thread that's supposed to be about specific help but I can't let this go without comment.
This response is, IMO, exactly correct. It's very Christlike is every possible way. It's almost the complete opposite of what's usually suggested around here. And finally it's pretty much exactly the response my wife had when she found out about my inappropriate content use that is, thanks to God, pretty much completely in the past.