Do you ever have those thoughts that are just so bad and painful to think about, but it is addictive to think about them? ...
When this starts happening, take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. Christ used scripture when the Devil confronted him with temptation. You may want to find some scriptures to think about when these thoughts come to you. Memorize several favorites. Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No weapon formed against us shall prosper. He who began a good work in you shall be faithful to complete it in you.
Is your husband willing to be helped? Is he willing to either put away his computer or have you put some kind of nanny software on it that only you have a password for? Is he willing to get software that sends a list of all the websites he visited to you and a few accountability partners from the church? He may be under demonic attack and needs a lot of prayer right now.
I hadn't considered that there may be a demonic element to this, though I suppose every temptation is sent from the devil. Is that what you mean by "demonic" or are you talking about something more akin to the Biblical stories about someone being inhabited by a particular evil spirit?
At the moment, he's not willing to be helped, by me or by anyone else. This is a giant step backwards, as he had at one point asked me to install some nanny software on one of his computers. Judging from our last conversation about it, he would not currently be receptive to any suggestions from me, though he may be if someone else suggested it. However, his attitude changes from one day to the next, so the next time we talk, he might feel differently. I'm praying for him alot.
Btw, have you told your husband you had thought of suicide and your reasoning behind it.
We have talked about this. It made him (understandably, I guess) angry and he said, "If you want to leave so badly, just leave!" Though he often uses anger to conceal other emotions, so it's likely that he was hurt more than he was angry.
Aren't you trusting God to help you with this? What about all those prayers? Isn't God big enough to answer them? Believe God. Do you think suicide is God's way of dealing with this situation? Is that going to be glorifying to God? ... You don't get to be an overcomer in God's kingdom unless you have something to overcome. God is big enough to help you through this...I like what one pastor around here likes to say, be careful about choosing permanent solutions to temporary problems.
Thank you for confronting me about this (including the parts I replaced with an ellipse - I just didn't want the post to get too long). I don't really have a position on whether or not the act of suicide itself is morally wrong, but I can't really argue that it's morally right to doubt that God has all of this under control, whether it feels like it or not.
I think there is some kind of DNS directory thing that tracks every website on the computer. If he can use DOS, he may be able to wipe this. Does he have to have a computer to do his work?
I'm such a technotard I don't understand the acronyms in this post, but he does need a computer to do his work (he's an architect), and also for his hobbies, which include writing algorithms, and building software and stuff. I don't think it's my place to take all his hobbies away from him when the majority of them are perfectly innocent. At the moment I don't think he's so deceptive that he would wipe the stuff from his hard drive. He does browse in such a way that nothing logs in his browsing history, but then he almost always (I believe) comes and confesses to me that he's looked at inappropriate content, for which I'm incredibly grateful. He used to tell me the nature of what he had been looking at, and it used to be mostly softcore stuff, but it started getting progressively more hardcore, and then he stopped telling me any details. I'm trying hard not to assume that it's anything worse than what it was the last time he told me.
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