Suicidal, and have bad thoughts

[ChristianNewbie123]

I think it's really good that you are reaching out though. Thanks for trying the suicide hotline. Life can be a real struggle sometimes (I actually had a really rough day today) but we're all in this together. Even though life can be hard, it can also be really great. You'll get to experience that more and more as you get older - life can be so sweet, so much fun. Especially as you learn more about who you are and what your gifts are (we all have gifts we're born with - something special that we like, something we can do, something we can offer others). Nobody really talked to me about this stuff so I didn't start thinking about it until I was much older, but if you start thinking about it now, you can experience some of the good things in life much earlier than I did. What kinds of things do you like doing? Is there something you are good at, or something you want to be good at?

I WANT to be good at helping people. I suck at that. All I do is make things worse for people. That's it. I'm not even trying to help anyone anymore.

What am I good at... uh... nothing worth anything.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. That's another thing, why does it seem like God gives ME all the blessings and not to people who actually deserve it, people who can DO STUFF with it?

Does the fact that I think God loves people, but not me, make ANY sense to you at all?

 

[StillSeeking36]

I WANT to be good at helping people. I suck at that. All I do is make things worse for people. That's it. I'm not even trying to help anyone anymore.

What am I good at... uh... nothing worth anything.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. That's another thing, why does it seem like God gives ME all the blessings and not to people who actually deserve it, people who can DO STUFF with it?

Does the fact that I think God loves people, but not me, make ANY sense to you at all?

Oh - you're in luck! You'll be able to help LOTS of people. I just know it. It is difficult to help someone if you can't relate to them, right. Struggles help us relate. I find that my struggles in life are actually what help me reach out to other people. Because I struggled as a teenager, because I've struggled with depression, and also with my faith, I do understand what you are going through. If I didn't understand, I wouldn't be able to help you. So it may not feel like it, but you can actually use the struggle you are going through in your life now to reach out and help encourage someone else later on. Everyone on this forum can only help each other because we've all gone through intense suffering. We've all felt worthless and useless. I can relate to you. Also, you may find this hard to believe, but you are helping me a lot today by letting me reach out to you. Thank you for that. I don't want you to suffer at all, but it means the world to me that you are letting me reach out to you. Especially today - like I said, I had a rough day. Encouraging you is helping me too...

You DO deserve God's blessing!! You are the child of a King!! We all deserve God's blessings, and they are wonderful when they come. When you have bad thoughts about yourself, they are lies from the devil that we accepted at some point in our life. Pray to God and ask Him to show you the lie that is at the root of your bad feelings and your lack of faith. The devil does two things: he causes problems for us, and he tries to interpret our experience for us (e.g., that happened because I'm worthless, or I'm a loser, or "nothing ever goes right for me, etc). For me, God showed me that one big root lie comes from the fact that my alcoholic father left me when I was 5, and then my mom was angry all the time and took off with boyfriends for days. That wasn't what caused the depression though. The root lie that caused the depression was that I started believing that I wasn't worth loving just the way that I am, just for existing. Recently, God showed me that I am worth loving simply because He created me. He loves me simply for being born! Just like He loves all of us - He created each one of us.

It makes perfect sense to me that you think that God loves people but not you. I used to think that about myself also. I asked someone at my church about that once and she said that it was because I was too proud. But I later learned that she was wrong, and I also left that church. The reason I thought that God loves everyone else but not me is because I believed a lie telling me that I can't possibly be loved for who I am. I felt pathetic, so I thought - how can God love someone so pathetic. But it was a lie. God is love, and He made us, and He loves us. The thing He wants most is a relationship with us. I am still learning what it means to have a relationship with God. We usually think of relationships in terms of feelings, but God is spiritual, so it isn't always based on feelings. This is why I know that even when I feel bad, God is with me, helping me, looking out for me. For instance, I strongly believe that God is moving in me and in you so that we can reach out to each other and have this conversation right now. That is how God works - he is sending us to each other by moving His spirit in us. Nothing is a coincidence...

 

[Jeshu]

Just letting you know that faith in God's love is what brings us hope for better. Pray for faith, and make room for faith in your heart.

Dare to believe that God wants to save you and not throw you in hell. Hell is a place where all the evil ones go, not those who find it hard to trust that God has grace on them.

So keep fighting to enter the narrow gate of faith!

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

Oh - you're in luck! You'll be able to help LOTS of people. I just know it. It is difficult to help someone if you can't relate to them, right. Struggles help us relate. I find that my struggles in life are actually what help me reach out to other people. Because I struggled as a teenager, because I've struggled with depression, and also with my faith, I do understand what you are going through. If I didn't understand, I wouldn't be able to help you. So it may not feel like it, but you can actually use the struggle you are going through in your life now to reach out and help encourage someone else later on. Everyone on this forum can only help each other because we've all gone through intense suffering. We've all felt worthless and useless. I can relate to you. Also, you may find this hard to believe, but you are helping me a lot today by letting me reach out to you. Thank you for that. I don't want you to suffer at all, but it means the world to me that you are letting me reach out to you. Especially today - like I said, I had a rough day. Encouraging you is helping me too...

You DO deserve God's blessing!! You are the child of a King!! We all deserve God's blessings, and they are wonderful when they come. When you have bad thoughts about yourself, they are lies from the devil that we accepted at some point in our life. Pray to God and ask Him to show you the lie that is at the root of your bad feelings and your lack of faith. The devil does two things: he causes problems for us, and he tries to interpret our experience for us (e.g., that happened because I'm worthless, or I'm a loser, or "nothing ever goes right for me, etc). For me, God showed me that one big root lie comes from the fact that my alcoholic father left me when I was 5, and then my mom was angry all the time and took off with boyfriends for days. That wasn't what caused the depression though. The root lie that caused the depression was that I started believing that I wasn't worth loving just the way that I am, just for existing. Recently, God showed me that I am worth loving simply because He created me. He loves me simply for being born! Just like He loves all of us - He created each one of us.

It makes perfect sense to me that you think that God loves people but not you. I used to think that about myself also. I asked someone at my church about that once and she said that it was because I was too proud. But I later learned that she was wrong, and I also left that church. The reason I thought that God loves everyone else but not me is because I believed a lie telling me that I can't possibly be loved for who I am. I felt pathetic, so I thought - how can God love someone so pathetic. But it was a lie. God is love, and He made us, and He loves us. The thing He wants most is a relationship with us. I am still learning what it means to have a relationship with God. We usually think of relationships in terms of feelings, but God is spiritual, so it isn't always based on feelings. This is why I know that even when I feel bad, God is with me, helping me, looking out for me. For instance, I strongly believe that God is moving in me and in you so that we can reach out to each other and have this conversation right now. That is how God works - he is sending us to each other by moving His spirit in us. Nothing is a coincidence...

"I asked someone at my church about that once and she said that it was because I was too proud."

What kind of a pathetic diagnosis is THIS? THAT doesn't make ANY sense (unless I'm missing something which is probably the case).

I'm actually talking with another person on CF who can relate to me almost exactly... that's pretty dang non coincidental don't ya think? I don't believe in coincidence that matters really...

This is why it doesn't make sense to me:

I don't think God loves me. Why? Because I'm too much of a sinner. But the Bible says everyone even the worst of sinners are loved by God and can be saved, do I believe the Bible? Yes... Then why am I doubting? Good question... That would be calling God a liar wouldn't it? Yes... Am I calling God a liar? No...

Making ANY sense at all? I believe what the Bible says, but I'm essentially calling God a liar because I think He loves everyone but me. Not Biblical, but it's what I think. Make any sense? Ahhh no...

I've tried relating to people, but I somehow one way or another make it worse for them. I say things when I shouldn't even though I don't mean to. So I stopped. Me dying would probably be doing people a favor...

 

[StillSeeking36]

"I asked someone at my church about that once and she said that it was because I was too proud."

What kind of a pathetic diagnosis is THIS? THAT doesn't make ANY sense (unless I'm missing something which is probably the case).

I'm actually talking with another person on CF who can relate to me almost exactly... that's pretty dang non coincidental don't ya think? I don't believe in coincidence that matters really...

This is why it doesn't make sense to me:

I don't think God loves me. Why? Because I'm too much of a sinner. But the Bible says everyone even the worst of sinners are loved by God and can be saved, do I believe the Bible? Yes... Then why am I doubting? Good question... That would be calling God a liar wouldn't it? Yes... Am I calling God a liar? No...

Making ANY sense at all? I believe what the Bible says, but I'm essentially calling God a liar because I think He loves everyone but me. Not Biblical, but it's what I think. Make any sense? Ahhh no...

I've tried relating to people, but I somehow one way or another make it worse for them. I say things when I shouldn't even though I don't mean to. So I stopped. Me dying would probably be doing people a favor...

I know - the "proud" comment hurt my feelings when I heard it from an elder I trusted. I mean, I know I have pride sometimes that gets in the way of being nice - we all do - but pride wasn't the right explanation for my feelings of worthlessness…I have forgiven her though because I know there are lots of times when I say the wrong thing. We all do that too. I think wanting to help is the most important thing. Overall, that elder wanted to help me more than hurt me, and overall, she really did help me a lot more than she hurt me.

Also - It's ok to have conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's like a battle between the lies we've been told and God's truth. We can have both in us at the same time. If we believe in Jesus, we definitely have God's truth in us, which is why we believe in Him and we believe the bible. BUt the devil is always trying to put lies in us too, so it feels like a battle inside, and it does feel like it doesn't make sense because it is truth vs. lies. It's not your fault that you feel that conflict. In fact, it's probably a good thing because it means that God's truth is in you and is fighting to overcome…

You know what? You have tried relating to me, and you've been really good at it. So from my perspective, you are good at it. I'm kind of surprised that you think you're not good at it. I can guarantee that you dying would not be doing anyone a favor. Even without knowing your parents at all, I can guarantee that they would be totally devastated if they lost you. They would suffer from that devastation for the rest of their lives.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

I know - the "proud" comment hurt my feelings when I heard it from an elder I trusted. I mean, I know I have pride sometimes that gets in the way of being nice - we all do - but pride wasn't the right explanation for my feelings of worthlessness…I have forgiven her though because I know there are lots of times when I say the wrong thing. We all do that too. I think wanting to help is the most important thing. Overall, that elder wanted to help me more than hurt me, and overall, she really did help me a lot more than she hurt me.

Also - It's ok to have conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's like a battle between the lies we've been told and God's truth. We can have both in us at the same time. If we believe in Jesus, we definitely have God's truth in us, which is why we believe in Him and we believe the bible. BUt the devil is always trying to put lies in us too, so it feels like a battle inside, and it does feel like it doesn't make sense because it is truth vs. lies. It's not your fault that you feel that conflict. In fact, it's probably a good thing because it means that God's truth is in you and is fighting to overcome…

You know what? You have tried relating to me, and you've been really good at it. So from my perspective, you are good at it. I'm kind of surprised that you think you're not good at it. I can guarantee that you dying would not be doing anyone a favor. Even without knowing your parents at all, I can guarantee that they would be totally devastated if they lost you. They would suffer from that devastation for the rest of their lives.

"Even without knowing your parents at all, I can guarantee that they would be totally devastated if they lost you. They would suffer from that devastation for the rest of their lives."

Thanks I feel so much better... (No offense to you at all).

I've thought of that. I know they would be devastated. I wouldn't just disappear, I would leave a note or something.

Are you seriously trying to tell me there's nothing wrong here? There's no reason to feel this way?

 

[StillSeeking36]

"Even without knowing your parents at all, I can guarantee that they would be totally devastated if they lost you. They would suffer from that devastation for the rest of their lives."

Thanks I feel so much better... (No offense to you at all).

I've thought of that. I know they would be devastated. I wouldn't just disappear, I would leave a note or something.

Are you seriously trying to tell me there's nothing wrong here? There's no reason to feel this way?

Nope - I'm not saying there's nothing wrong. I'm saying that I think the reason you feel this way is because you are believing lies about yourself and God. If you do have a psychological disorder, then that is what is wrong. For instance, I have suffered from depression. That is what has been wrong with me. You might be going through the same thing. Also - I promise I'm not trying to make you feel bad or point out the obvious when I talk about your parents, but you are definitely wrong when you say that dying would be doing people a favor. That is simply not true. If you died, people would be devastated, even if you left a note. The reason they would be devastated is because they love you -- if you can let yourself feel that love, if you can figure out how to get to that place where you can let that love in, there might be a bit of relief in that.

The most important thing to remember from any of our conversation (from my perspective) is that God really does love you for who you are. If there is any part of you that can be open to that possibility, try to focus on that. And all of us here on this forum are on your side...

 

[andy b]

I don't have many friends... the ones I do have I never get together with.

why not...there more than likely in the same boat give them a ring invite them round ill get slated for saying this but there is only so much religion you need at 14. my guess is god wants you to be having a laugh at your age.If you see your friends at school or out and about get talking to them, join a club

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

If there is any part of you that can be open to that possibility, try to focus on that.

I don't know if there is anymore.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

why not...there more than likely in the same boat give them a ring invite them round ill get slated for saying this but there is only so much religion you need at 14. my guess is god wants you to be having a laugh at your age.If you see your friends at school or out and about get talking to them, join a club

It's not that easy... I DO try to contact them, make an event or something and they're too busy.

 

[StillSeeking36]

why not...there more than likely in the same boat give them a ring invite them round ill get slated for saying this but there is only so much religion you need at 14. my guess is god wants you to be having a laugh at your age.If you see your friends at school or out and about get talking to them, join a club

Religion may or may not be helpful, but believing that Jesus is Lord and that He has the power to save is everything. This is faith - not religion. It is the only light, the only hope, in the world. Simply believing that Jesus is Lord, that He died and rose again so that our sins could be forgiven, allows Jesus to work in us. This is the source of all hope, all healing, all good in the world. I believe this with all my heart. Praying to God when I was a teenager, even though I didn't have much faith or knowledge, is the only thing that got me through that time of my life. That is my testimony - my truth.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

Religion may or may not be helpful, but believing that Jesus is Lord and that He has the power to save is everything. This is faith - not religion. It is the only light, the only hope, in the world. Simply believing that Jesus is Lord, that He died and rose again so that our sins could be forgiven, allows Jesus to work in us. This is the source of all hope, all healing, all good in the world. I believe this with all my heart. Praying to God when I was a teenager, even though I didn't have much faith or knowledge, is the only thing that got me through that time of my life. That is my testimony - my truth.

Well then I'm screwed cause I don't believe Jesus died for MY sins.

 

[StillSeeking36]

Well then I'm screwed cause I don't believe Jesus died for MY sins.

Here is what the bible says:

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." - 1 John 4:10

"For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past." - Romans 3:25

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

Here is what the bible says:

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." - 1 John 4:10

"For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past." - Romans 3:25

I know what the Bible says.

I don't have faith anymore.

 

[StillSeeking36]

I know what the Bible says.

I don't have faith anymore.

ok, well I'll be praying for you still. In the meantime, you should see if you can find out whether you have depression or something related by seeking guidance from a professional. You might benefit a lot from treatments that are out there. Thanks for having such a long discussion with me - sorry it was so out in the open. I'm new to the forums so it didn't occur to me until now that it might have been good to have this conversation through PM, but maybe someone else reading all of this will have something helpful to add.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

ok, well I'll be praying for you still. In the meantime, you should see if you can find out whether you have depression or something related by seeking guidance from a professional. You might benefit a lot from treatments that are out there. Thanks for having such a long discussion with me - sorry it was so out in the open. I'm new to the forums so it didn't occur to me until now that it might have been good to have this conversation through PM, but maybe someone else reading all of this will have something helpful to add.

That won't be possible without my parents knowing...

Don't worry. If I cared if it was open or not I would've PM'd you a long time ago.

Pff I was about to say "welcome to CF" but what a welcome...

 

[StillSeeking36]

That won't be possible without my parents knowing...

Don't worry. If I cared if it was open or not I would've PM'd you a long time ago.

Pff I was about to say "welcome to CF" but what a welcome...

ha ha - thanks for the welcome. Seriously though, thanks, and thanks for friending me. You're the first one that did. Also, about faith - I lost faith for about 18 years. I was actually really anti-Christian for a long time. And then suddenly it all opened up to me, much to my surprise. But even after that it still took years before I started having any healing from my depression, and all of that is pretty recent so I'm just trying to stay focused on hanging on to that healing. This might sound horrible to someone younger because 18 years probably sounds like forever, but one day you'll find that life moves a lot faster. The point is that things change. Things will get better for you. And if you don't feel a lot of faith at this moment - don't be hard on yourself. Only God knows what the future holds…

Also - if there is anything at all that is fun for you, that is also not totally self-destructive, try to do that. Sometimes it's the little things in life that can bring us joy. This might sound stupid, but for me, it's things like cherry soda. And fresh blooming flowers. I love the full moon so much. And the big one for me these days - I recently bought a 1967 VW beetle, which I have always wanted since I was a kid (I know, it sounds so dumb, but I just LOVE driving that thing around. It's loud and it backfires, and when I drive it I'm in heaven - lol). I like movies and cinnamon toast. And I love Christmas music so much. Even things like drinking a big, cold glass of water when I'm really thirsty - that's such a good thing. And I love rainy days. Anyway, these are little things that I love. Is there anything like that at all for you - even one thing?

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

ha ha - thanks for the welcome. Seriously though, thanks, and thanks for friending me. You're the first one that did. Also, about faith - I lost faith for about 18 years. I was actually really anti-Christian for a long time. And then suddenly it all opened up to me, much to my surprise. But even after that it still took years before I started having any healing from my depression, and all of that is pretty recent so I'm just trying to stay focused on hanging on to that healing. This might sound horrible to someone younger because 18 years probably sounds like forever, but one day you'll find that life moves a lot faster. The point is that things change. Things will get better for you. And if you don't feel a lot of faith at this moment - don't be hard on yourself. Only God knows what the future holds…

Also - if there is anything at all that is fun for you, that is also not totally self-destructive, try to do that. Sometimes it's the little things in life that can bring us joy. This might sound stupid, but for me, it's things like cherry soda. And fresh blooming flowers. I love the full moon so much. And the big one for me these days - I recently bought a 1967 VW beetle, which I have always wanted since I was a kid (I know, it sounds so dumb, but I just LOVE driving that thing around. It's loud and it backfires, and when I drive it I'm in heaven - lol). I like movies and cinnamon toast. And I love Christmas music so much. Even things like drinking a big, cold glass of water when I'm really thirsty - that's such a good thing. And I love rainy days. Anyway, these are little things that I love. Is there anything like that at all for you - even one thing?

If you're trying to give me distractions, that doesn't work. I'm constantly thinking about this... and those things don't sound stupid to me.

I actually like to see little kids do stuff. Cute little boys or girls just being them. It's almost relaxing. And it makes me do this But nothing really helps anymore. Not that, not even Christmas. Usually I'd be all excited even though I have no clue what I want for Christmas (although I'd love to have God...).

Whatever... anyway...

Would you happen to listen to music that matches your mood?

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I know you're trying to help, and I appreciate it so don't take this the wrong way:

I've heard all that. "Talk to your parents/pastor/whatever yeah... that'll be the day. I don't have the guts to do that.

"Be a good person" uh huh, I'm not. And I can't be. God isn't/hasn't changed me even though I asked Him (and tried to) time and time again.

Neither did I. I spent my entire adolescence suffering in silence, hoping that something would go terribly wrong and I'd die so I wouldn't have to do it myself. I remember spending most of my nights crying, most of my days being listless and always in screaming matches with my parents over everything. Low grades, possibly no future, on the verge of self-destruction.

It was just a year and a half ago before I admitted to some random person on a suicide hotline that I want to kill myself. And then, this year, to my parents. And getting help. It was the best liberation. It helped with those thoughts. Your parents might get angry, they might blame themselves, they might cry, or they might help you. You don't know. They want you to be happy. They're your parents.

He hasn't changed you because he likes you the way you are.

You're fourteen dear. Don't spend your teen years in misery. If you can't find a way of telling someone in person, I always found notes helped a lot.

 

[ChristianNewbie123]

Neither did I. I spent my entire adolescence suffering in silence, hoping that something would go terribly wrong and I'd die so I wouldn't have to do it myself. I remember spending most of my nights crying, most of my days being listless and always in screaming matches with my parents over everything. Low grades, possibly no future, on the verge of self-destruction.

It was just a year and a half ago before I admitted to some random person on a suicide hotline that I want to kill myself. And then, this year, to my parents. And getting help. It was the best liberation. It helped with those thoughts. Your parents might get angry, they might blame themselves, they might cry, or they might help you. You don't know. They want you to be happy. They're your parents.

He hasn't changed you because he likes you the way you are.

You're fourteen dear. Don't spend your teen years in misery. If you can't find a way of telling someone in person, I always found notes helped a lot.

I'm sorry you went through this. I cry at night sometimes too... not every night, but several.

"He hasn't changed you because he likes you the way you are."

Say WHAT? He BETTER not like me the way I am or that would make Him not mind when people sin.

"You're fourteen dear. Don't spend your teen years in misery. If you can't find a way of telling someone in person, I always found notes helped a lot."

I've heard the note thing before, the problem is I can't just leave them a note and be left alone for a while they would immediately say "Hey what is this?" before even reading it. Not an option.