Sucker

[PeterJames0510]

Last night, my wife told me she is such a sucker because she stays with me even though I have inappropriate content addiction. I want to be rid of my addiction once and for all.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

I want to be rid of all loneliness and inappropriate content addictions and I want Jesus Christ to be my all in all and always ever satisfying. I have tried programs, Bible studies, prayer, Steps to Freedom in Christ, you name it - I've done it.

Please pray for me ... I don't want my wife to feel like she is that sucker ...

 

[Aussie Pete]

Last night, my wife told me she is such a sucker because she stays with me even though I have inappropriate content addiction. I want to be rid of my addiction once and for all.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

I want to be rid of all loneliness and inappropriate content addictions and I want Jesus Christ to be my all in all and always ever satisfying. I have tried programs, Bible studies, prayer, Steps to Freedom in Christ, you name it - I've done it.

Please pray for me ... I don't want my wife to feel like she is that sucker ...

If you hate your sin and can't get free, you probably have a demon of lust. If you know your authority in Christ, cast it out yourself. If not, find someone who can. God will lead you if you ask Him. He wants you to be free more than you do. Like any addiction, once free you need to stay free. Avoid anything remotely suggestive, especially click bait on the internet. Ask Lord Jesus to fill the void left by the evil spirit. Otherwise it will come back in. You need to know how to resist the devil. If you have any books, movies, inappropriate content accounts, pictures, get rid of them - immediately.

 

[Brightmoon]

Maybe you should tell your wife about how lost and empty you feel . Maybe your inappropriate content problems are a mask for depression or relationship issues. I’d see a relationship counselor or a therapist to deal with your feelings. inappropriate content is a dysfunctional exploitive way to deal with a normal feeling. Men have trouble with normal feelings about relationships because of the dysfunctional unemotional way we raise our boys . I’d do that before I’d start screaming about demons and throwing my hands in the air like this is The Unsolvable Problem(TM).

 

[PeterJames0510]

Maybe you should tell your wife about how lost and empty you feel . Maybe your inappropriate content problems are a mask for depression or relationship issues. I’d see a relationship counselor or a therapist to deal with your feelings. inappropriate content is a dysfunctional exploitive way to deal with a normal feeling. Men have trouble with normal feelings about relationships because of the dysfunctional unemotional way we raise our boys . I’d do that before I’d start screaming about demons and throwing my hands in the air like this is The Unsolvable Problem(TM).

There was a time that I wanted to go to a psychologist, but in the end - it didn't work out because I don't drive. And my wife didn't want to have to explain why I was going.

Believe me, I would do anything to feel whole again. And I will feel whole again in couple of days, except that it's this cycle of shame and degradation. An evil spirit may be assigned to me, but I've cast out many demons many times in Jesus' name and I've never gotten complete relief (or really any). It's definitely a psychological barrier I think.

 

[aiki]

Last night, my wife told me she is such a sucker because she stays with me even though I have inappropriate content addiction. I want to be rid of my addiction once and for all.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

I want to be rid of all loneliness and inappropriate content addictions and I want Jesus Christ to be my all in all and always ever satisfying. I have tried programs, Bible studies, prayer, Steps to Freedom in Christ, you name it - I've done it.

Please pray for me ... I don't want my wife to feel like she is that sucker ...

So, the apostle Paul wrote that if you are a Christian, you are free from sin:

Romans 6:1-2
1 What shall we say, then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?
2 God forbid! How shall we who are dead to sin live any longer in it?

Is Paul correct? Are you dead to sin? Or was he mistaken?

 

[PeterJames0510]

So, the apostle Paul wrote that if you are a Christian, you are free from sin:

Romans 6:1-2
1 What shall we say, then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?
2 God forbid! How shall we who are dead to sin live any longer in it?

Is Paul correct? Are you dead to sin? Or was he mistaken?

The Apostle Paul is correct, obviously.

But tell my heart that. I'm looking into Christian psychological counseling maybe.

Yes, I LOVE the Neil Anderson material; I need to get back to doing that as well.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Last night, my wife told me she is such a sucker because she stays with me even though I have inappropriate content addiction. I want to be rid of my addiction once and for all.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

I want to be rid of all loneliness and inappropriate content addictions and I want Jesus Christ to be my all in all and always ever satisfying. I have tried programs, Bible studies, prayer, Steps to Freedom in Christ, you name it - I've done it.

Please pray for me ... I don't want my wife to feel like she is that sucker ...

I am proud of you for recognizing the wake-up call. Addictions are usually a mask for deeper pain that never got dealt with. Because you are in pain, you crave something to fill that void. Yet that void can never be filled in that way, you have to let the Lord help heal you of what is causing the pain. More you heal, the less power that addiction has on you.

I recommend getting counselling to help you find what those issues are. It is a process that is going to take time, take it one day at a time. Be honest with your wife along the way. Learn to listen to each other, you need to know how this is hurting her and she needs to know what you are going thru. Together with God's grace, you both will get thru this.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Last night, my wife told me she is such a sucker because she stays with me even though I have inappropriate content addiction. I want to be rid of my addiction once and for all.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

I want to be rid of all loneliness and inappropriate content addictions and I want Jesus Christ to be my all in all and always ever satisfying. I have tried programs, Bible studies, prayer, Steps to Freedom in Christ, you name it - I've done it.

Please pray for me ... I don't want my wife to feel like she is that sucker ...

Firstly you need to stop making excuses, there may be some truth to your statement, below, but it is not enough to justify your behavior.

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

You need to put the interests of your wife first. You can stop the behavior it just takes guts. The bible tells us to "resist the devil and he will flee from you". Resistance is a forcefulness, a dedicated push, not giving in any way, not giving an inch. Try hard.

 

[aiki]

The Apostle Paul is correct, obviously.

But tell my heart that. I'm looking into Christian psychological counseling maybe.

Yes, I LOVE the Neil Anderson material; I need to get back to doing that as well.

I don't know what you mean by "tell my heart that."

Christian psychological counseling isn't going to be a superior way to true spiritual freedom and the deepened relationship with God that such freedom is always aimed at than the way spelled out to you in Scripture. If God's way can't make you free, no way can.

 

[coffee4u]

That is an excuse. You are married, your wife should be your best friend and in return you should be her best friend. Loneliness indicates that while you are married you truly are not together supporting each other but separated. You can be separated while living under the same roof.

Genesis 2
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Looking at inappropriate content isn't your heart it's your head and lust. Do you love your wife? She is enough. Every time you look at inappropriate content you may as well be saying to your wife "You're not enough for me. You are not attractive enough and I don't love you enough to remain faithful to you" You might say this isn't how you feel, but it is because you are looking at other women and committing adultery. Don't put in a box and simply call it 'inappropriate content addiction' let's call it what it really is, adultery.

Matthew 5:28
28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Don't open those pages on your computer, go do something else. If you have joined some site with inappropriate content, go unjoin. Don't look at those magazines, go burn them. Read the Bible, go for a run, talk to your wife, do something else that won't cause you to fall into temptation. Get counselling not just yourself but also for your marriage.

 

[PeterJames0510]

I appreciate the feedback; normally I don't want to hijack an entire thread so I may have used the term 'inappropriate content addiction', etc. as a shortcut to keep the post short.

I am not about 'trying harder' because I have tried 'hard' all my life. I don't mind if people think me weak or making "excuses". I've been down the recovery road enough times to know that when I go long periods of time without sin, there is a vacuum in my life. People can say all they want "you shouldn't" or "how dare you", but I'm being open and honest..

This may be the wrong thread for all of it, I understand. Please keep me in your prayers. Last night, I turned on pluckeye linux extension and put it at 9 hours so that, this morning, I was free from the inappropriate content plus I had a good night's sleep. I consider that a win ... a small win ... but a win. I shall not let naysayers keep me discouraged.

Many blessings to you. - Peter James

 

[PeterJames0510]

I don't know what you mean by "tell my heart that."

Christian psychological counseling isn't going to be a superior way to true spiritual freedom and the deepened relationship with God that such freedom is always aimed at than the way spelled out to you in Scripture. If God's way can't make you free, no way can.

I want to understand me in a thorough way. When I go long periods of time without sinning, my heart still longs for a long lost sibling I don't know if I have. Maybe it is a spiritual bondage from a demonic force, but I think Christians use this as answer for things they don't understand, such as psychology.

Don't worry. I've had all the counseling including counseling that is against psychology, 'Nouthethic Counseling'. I don't discount that type of counseling. It is a method; I just never found success with someone trying to guilt me into submission since I came to them already feeling guilty.

I'm not looking for a 'superior way to true spiritual freedom'. True spiritual freedom is a reality; but sometimes there are psychological barriers to that occurring.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi @PeterJames0510

Your addiction to inappropriate content is hurting the one you have promised to love and cherish. It is anything but loving and cherishing her, but rather constantly offering her sexual unfaithfulness. inappropriate content use and sexual satisfaction from inappropriate content is sexual unfaithfulness.

I applaud you for coming to a fellowship to seek solutions. To change your situation, you need to remove your access to any and all avenues in which you can access inappropriate content. This means going back to a flip phone and only accessing the computers at home when your wife is in the room. She could change the logon passwords so you would need her to log you on.

What other avenues do you use to view inappropriate content? You need to eliminate your access to them. Have your wife change their passwords, etc.

Also, you need to restrict your sexual experiences to only those with your wife. If you have been self gratifying to inappropriate content this will be a difficult transition for you, but it's essential that you hang in there until you are able to fully enjoy your experiences with your wife. If access to other experiences are removed, this will come back.

Can you do this?

 

[Endeavourer]

@PeterJames0510

Here is an article a Christian psychologist wrote about inappropriate content in marriages. He operated a chain of addiction clinics in the state of Minnesota, so he's a great resource for people who have addictions that are affecting their marriages:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-scourge-of-inappropriate contentography.htm

Also, here's another article that might help:

If a husband enthusiastically agrees to stop viewing internet inappropriate contentography because he cares about his wife's feelings, but finds himself helpless to avoid it even when he's taken precautions and feels guilty when he views it, then I'd consider his behavior to be addictive, and he should be treated for the addiction. As I mentioned earlier, the best treatment for addiction to internet inappropriate contentography is to separate the addict from the source of the addiction, the internet, or guarantee supervision whenever he has access to it.​

More at: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/what-is-sexual-addiction.htm

 

[Endeavourer]

But when I stop, there will be a huge vacuum and sense of loneliness. I always have loneliness anyways as I wish I had a sister; I know, an odd thing for me.

You will need to replace your inappropriate content time with something else that is pleasurable. How much recreational/dating time are you spending with your wife each week?

When you were dating and falling in love, you were likely devoting at least 15 and possibly as much as 25 hours per week to each other. You can't change your behaviors and expect the same results. Statistically, couples who stay romantically in love with each other spend at least 15 hours per week doing fun recreational or dating activities together.

Think of your love for each other as an account balance. You want your most pleasurable experiences of the week to be spent together to you are able to make the most deposits of happy moments to your wife's love bank, and she to yours. This will fill your marriage with companionship and joy, replacing the loneliness you are experiencing now.

Here's a great article which explains in more detail:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-undivided-attention.htm

 

[aiki]

I want to understand me in a thorough way.

A very different stance than that of Scripture which urges you to die to yourself (Matthew 16:24-25), to decrease that Christ might increase in you. Understanding yourself requires focusing on yourself and that is always the first step toward spiritual disaster. In Scripture, we are urged instead to fix our eyes upon Christ (Hebrews 12:1-3), to behold his glory (2 Corinthians 3:18) and as we do, the Spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit, transforms us into the likeness of our Saviour.

When I go long periods of time without sinning, my heart still longs for a long lost sibling I don't know if I have.

If you don't know you have a long-lost sibling, why do you long for him/her? Can you trust that, sibling or not, God has done, and will do, right in the course of the life He has set for you?

Maybe it is a spiritual bondage from a demonic force, but I think Christians use this as answer for things they don't understand, such as psychology.

Sometimes Christians may cry, "Demon!" when there is another problem entirely but, then again, such a cry is not always mistaken. Assigning cause erroneously is not made only in one direction. Modern psychology denies the supernatural, attributing a person's inner struggles, not to things spiritual, but to psychological disease, or childhood trauma, or physiological problems - things fundamentally material and natural - and can never agree to the notion that there is a spiritual realm in which every person moves that influences, for good or ill, their thinking and behaviour. Such a naturalistic presupposition guarantees that psychology cannot get at the full truth of things. We are spiritual beings, made in the imago dei, the Bible says. Much of our inner distress stems from spiritual problems that cannot be resolved by the strategies and theories of a system that denies the spiritual and the God who made us to exist as spiritual beings.

Don't worry. I've had all the counseling including counseling that is against psychology, 'Nouthethic Counseling'. I don't discount that type of counseling. It is a method; I just never found success with someone trying to guilt me into submission since I came to them already feeling guilty.

I've heard of Nouthetic Counseling but I'm not urging you toward it. God says in His word that if you're one of His, He has already set you free from sin's power in Christ (Romans 6). As you "reckon it so" (Romans 6:11) from a life lived in submission to God moment-by-moment, the truth of Romans 6 more and more will become your daily reality. This has certainly been my experience over the many decades I have walked with God.

I'm not looking for a 'superior way to true spiritual freedom'. True spiritual freedom is a reality; but sometimes there are psychological barriers to that occurring.

After many years of discipling Christians, I've come to see that the "psychological barriers" people have to walking well with God are just distractions from, and symptoms of, the real core of the problem: God is not enthroned in one's heart. When He is - truly is - one's "psychological barriers" inevitably dissolve under His awesome truth and power.

 

[PeterJames0510]

I absolutely agree that psychology can show us what pit we have fallen into, but only Christ can get us out.

I fail to see where in the Scriptures it says we should not understand ourselves, ours story, our weaknesses, and our strengths? Matthew 22:39 - love thy neighbor as thyself. There's nothing wrong with loving the person that God created and understanding his or her weaknesses; it is the sin that holds us back we cannot love.

Nouthethic counseling means from the Greek 'True Counseling' and uses only the Bible in counseling and discounts disciplined study of the human person which psychology does. I went through 6 months of intense Nouthethic counseling, but to no avail.

The person is a complete person; both, soul, and spirit. Yes, God's entirety in the human experience and personhood is vital and necessary. I don't see him condemning the search for why certain problems exist in our lives because it may be once we understand the why, we'll stop doing them.

Self will, being guilted to do better, reading the Bible, "trying harder", etc. -- unfortunately, these are solutions that haven't worked for me. I believe they could work later, but there is some sort of spiritual (demonic) or psychological barrier.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[PeterJames0510]

You will need to replace your inappropriate content time with something else that is pleasurable. How much recreational/dating time are you spending with your wife each week?

When you were dating and falling in love, you were likely devoting at least 15 and possibly as much as 25 hours per week to each other. You can't change your behaviors and expect the same results. Statistically, couples who stay romantically in love with each other spend at least 15 hours per week doing fun recreational or dating activities together.

Think of your love for each other as an account balance. You want your most pleasurable experiences of the week to be spent together to you are able to make the most deposits of happy moments to your wife's love bank, and she to yours. This will fill your marriage with companionship and joy, replacing the loneliness you are experiencing now.

Here's a great article which explains in more detail:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-undivided-attention.htm

Thank you so much for taking the time this morning to show me all of these articles which are great reminders. I thank you very much and wish I had more to say in response that would be worthy of the time it took to research it. I shall do what I can to keep the account balance together, but it has to be a soft push. Completely 'hard' push is impossible because a) she is used to the way things are now b) we both work 40+ hours a week and a lot of times are tired.

The only other comment I would say is ... I have not found my 'sister-hole' in my heart filled by my spouse. That is no insult to the spouse; there's something else that I need to explore.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I appreciate the feedback; normally I don't want to hijack an entire thread so I may have used the term 'inappropriate content addiction', etc. as a shortcut to keep the post short.

I am not about 'trying harder' because I have tried 'hard' all my life. I don't mind if people think me weak or making "excuses". I've been down the recovery road enough times to know that when I go long periods of time without sin, there is a vacuum in my life. People can say all they want "you shouldn't" or "how dare you", but I'm being open and honest..

This may be the wrong thread for all of it, I understand. Please keep me in your prayers. Last night, I turned on pluckeye linux extension and put it at 9 hours so that, this morning, I was free from the inappropriate content plus I had a good night's sleep. I consider that a win ... a small win ... but a win. I shall not let naysayers keep me discouraged.

Many blessings to you. - Peter James

I know the feeling. I have been in your shoes. It is a monster that will never be satisfied, dragging you into darker stuff. My addiction was one of the things that drove me to seek Christ. I tried so so many times to break free from and I was utterly powerless. I became saved, and the Lord became my strength. I was so upset with myself every time I 'fell into temptation'. Yet the Lord wanted to focus on the underline cause and not on the sin directly. If you don't heal the wound, then you will keep trying to patch it up.

Other people are not going to understand what you are going thru and they won't understand your pain either. Don't ignore what the Lord has revealed to you, and he knows your pain more than you do. If the Lord gave you a lead about having a sister, don't ignore it. Follow that lead.

Get support, you are NO WHERE NEAR ALONE in this battle. I found this website searching on how to deal with sexual sin. I found multiple forum posts on people encouraging one another in the battle and it blew my mind away. When I backed out of the thread, it was in the Women's forums.

Take it one day at a time and do what you need to help you cope. I ultimately had to get rid of my computer for a season. (Matt 5:30 as inspiration)

 

[iamchance]

www.covenanteyes.com

Sign up. Make your wife your accountability partner. You won't be able to view anything without her approval. This works for phones, not sure about computers. So, some additional research will be needed there. My church tells people about this app all the time, it's a great resource. Even if it's limited to just phones, you should be able to find another option for computers.

My only other recommendation is to share your sin struggle with friends and family. This is a hard battle, prayers up for you brother. Stay strong and keep praying.