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Submit or avoid son

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by MzSmith, Oct 17, 2019.

  1. MzSmith

    MzSmith New Member

    4
    +4
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Two years ago, my then 16 year old son and husband were involved in a physical altercation. It was clearly my son's fault. Law enforcement was called, my son served community services, and he ended up living with his Dad. Long story short, my son has not apologized to my husband (his step father). He tried once when he saw him at the dental office, but said he was scared to approach him. Also, when the incident first happened, my son's father was going to bring him over to our house to apologize, but my husband would not have it, saying that I had 'coaxed' my ex to bringing our son over to apologize and that he should be man enough to do it himself. Fast forward to today. My husband wants me to have no dealings with my son because of this. No phone calls, texts, visits, just act like he has fallen off the face of the earth. I find this hard to do, especially during holidays, his birthday, and now he is graduating high school in June. I have had to 'sneak' to see him. My son brought up apologizing again a few months ago on his own, but he has yet to do it. I'm not sure why. He did apologize to me the night of the incident, and I did forgive him. He is not allowed to come to our house under any circumstances, and honestly, if and when he does apologize to my husband, things may not be the same. We have had countless arguments over this. I wish my son would have just apologized to my husband, but I am finding it difficult to just 'abandon' my son. He sends me texts saying he misses me and his two brothers (ages 9 and 11). I was asked to block the texts. He was in an accident and totaled his car. My husband didn't care and showed it. I have prayed about this over and over again and wondering if I'm not being submissive when I feel horrible about not seeing or being allowed to see my firstborn son. Bringing up my son's name in the house is sure to cause and argument or ruin an otherwise good day. My husband has nothing nice to say about him at all. I'm not sure how much longer this can go on.
     
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  2. Emmylouwho

    Emmylouwho Well-Known Member

    637
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    United States
    Christian Seeker
    Widowed
    Why do you feel such a strong allegiance to your husband?
     
  3. Phoebe Ann

    Phoebe Ann From Mormonism to Christ Supporter

    +8,327
    United States
    Protestant
    Widowed
    Your husband sounds like a bully. He shouldn't be telling you to not see your son! I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My mother married 3 times. My father was the first and didn't live near us. With the second, my father's children weren't allowed in the house. We were in an apartment that was attached and my thirteen-year-old sister cooked our meals! :eek: The third husband was an abusive alcoholic.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2019
  4. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +7,704
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    If this is a second marriage for you, and your first marriage was at least nominally Christian, this union you are in may not be valid. I do not think that your husband should be able to tell you not to see your son. That sounds extreme, and unkind. And very selfish.
     
  5. joshua 1 9

    joshua 1 9 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,256
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    People have all their own choices to make. A house divided can not stand. Your husband and son are against each other. Maybe because neither one of them wants to share you with the other. I had a girl friend that scratched my son's face. She said he kicked her first. So I quit seeing her. My main responsibility was toward my son. Usually he got along pretty good with most everyone. So it was difficult for me to believe that he was the one that started it.
     
  6. gym_class_hero

    gym_class_hero Well-Known Member

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    is your husband a Christian?
     
  7. MzSmith

    MzSmith New Member

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    United States
    Christian
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    His actions are not and I question his beliefs about many things that are happening, not just concerning my son.
     
  8. turkle

    turkle Blessed

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    I think your husband is being totally irrational. Your son was a child when this altercation happened. Your husband was the adult. Yet he seems to be behaving like a petulant child.

    The parent/child bond must not be broken. It is cruel that your son isn't allowed to see you or his siblings. It's true, he should have apologized before, and he still should. But he is still a child, and I'm sure he's intimidated by your husband and scared. We need to make allowances for the immaturity of youth, but a grown man should behave like a man. In your shoes, I would not allow my husband to deprive me of my child. If he insists upon remaining childish, then that is his choice. But you are a mother, and your son needs you.
     
  9. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    +3,492
    Christian
    Married
    Your husband was in a physical altercation with your minor child. It doesn't matter who started it; nothing justifies your husband continuing the feud and using you to make him feel right by forcing you to pick him over your child. You need to be working with the child's father to have a visitation schedule in place (you and your other kids going to see your son in the father's home; I don't think your son should have to come and be around your husband in fear). Your husband shouldn't be part of you going to see your son or be involved in his life if he resents him so much.
     
  10. Melody Suttles

    Melody Suttles SingPeace Supporter

    73
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    United States
    Christian
    Married
    CA-Conservatives

    Sounds to me like your husband is a bully and that he believes in his heart that his way of disciplining your son is the right way and for your son's good. But if you alienate your son because he sinned, how then can you say Christ accepts you wholly even when you stumble and sin.

    It's like saying,"Because you have sinned, you are no longer my son." and that is totally opposite of what the love of Christ is. He should have been allowed to come with his dad and apologize, but the spirit of Pride was in control.

    Submission to a husband is to be done to a husband who represents all that Christ is in the home... not just represent authority. Be brave and stand up for your son - don't throw him away - it is a stumbling block placed before 'one of these little ones'. Yes, I believe in submission to my husband, but my husband would never have demanded I not know my own son any longer... even when my son stole from us... got addicted to drugs... ended up in jail... told endless lies... my husband was always forgiving yet firm. We were of one mind toward my son in that he was always instantly forgiven and always welcome. We simply learned to lock things away when he visited.

    Now that very son of mine --- of OURS --- is a lay-minister, a responsible and loving husband and father. We could not be more proud of him. But if we had thrown him away, it would have sent the message to him that he was not worth forgiveness. What would have happened to him then? God knows.

    Be a strong woman and a fearless mother for your son. We aren't supposed to submit to the evil of pride but to the gentleness and meekness of Christ's authority over pride!


    Stepparent Abuse?
     
  11. MzSmith

    MzSmith New Member

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    United States
    Christian
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    Yes, I am standing up and continuing to see and text my son on my terms. This is in no way Christ like to alienate my child. I'm praying it doesn't destroy the marriage. I love my son and want to see him.
     
  12. Melody Suttles

    Melody Suttles SingPeace Supporter

    73
    +137
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    CA-Conservatives

    Lord, help Smith's son to invite you into every space in his heart and life, so that You will produce good fruit. Help him remember that he doesn’t have to tackle being loving, joyful, peaceful—and so much more—on his own, but it is Your work within his heart that comes out.

    But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23 NLT


    Lord, may this teenage son turn to you to transform how he thinks. Help him not be drawn to the behaviors of the world, but instead, may he turn to You to be transformed, and may He actively seek Your will.

    Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 NLT


    Lord, may Smith's precious boy learn to put on Your armor to stand firm. There’s a war raging for his soul. Help him to realize that You’ve provided everything needed to fight effectively—namely Yourself.

    Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and- blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:11-12


    Lord, may this amazing and dearly loved son have a thankful heart. May he cling to Your everlasting love and rejoice in Your goodness.

    Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Psalm 118:1 NLT


    Lord, make this precious young man and Smith's husband both have a deep desire to forgive one another and Lord take away any desire either of them may have to hold on to grudges or disappointment or false pride. Heal their wounds and do not let anger and strife succeed, but only that of forgiveness! In Jesus Yeshua's name, AMEN!!!

    “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” —Colossians 3:13
     
  13. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,582
    Christian
    Married
    Despite the fact that your husband has the most responsibility to fix this ... I'm afraid that it's not likely that anything will change until your son apologizes.

    My brother's family had a similar situation ... which didn't get resolved until my wife negotiated a reconciliation ... years later.

    Your son is, ostensibly, a man now ... and he should be able to, maybe, get a message, text, email, etc. to your husband expressing his apology for his part in what has happened.

    From there, you'll just have to see how it goes, but I'm afraid that your husband's pride must be mollified somewhat to get things started off.

    Pray about it.

    I will too ...
     
  14. MzSmith

    MzSmith New Member

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    United States
    Christian
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  15. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,172
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Sadly, this action will likely destroy your marriage.

    If you are willing to have your spouse suffer for your expense it will deduct tremendous withdrawals from your spouse's love for you.

    A better option would be to live separately until the issue with the son is resolved, and visit back and forth in each other's homes and go on at least 15 hours of dates per week. This will keep your love for each other intact without the marriage experiencing these withdrawals.

    However, the BEST option would be to sit down to negotiate an outcome you are both enthusiastic about. Not barely ok with. Mutually enthusiastic. Brainstorm with abandon and don't limit yourself to two opposing positions. Both of those options are off the table anyway since neither of you is enthusiastic about the other's position. Eliminate both of your positions and brainstorm for others.
     
  16. BNR32FAN

    BNR32FAN He’s a Way of life Supporter

    +2,817
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Your husband should not forbid you to stay in contact with your son. I do agree that your son should apologize but I also feel that your husband should understand that he was still a child when this happened. We must remember that if we do not forgive we will not be forgiven. I will pray for both your husband and your son that they will be reconciled together in Christ’s name sister. God bless.
     
  17. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,846
    Christian
    Married
    Your husband has to many conditions for his 'love' and loyalty. I can see why your son is afraid to approach him with an apology at this point. The way you write it sounds like it won't be over even if he did. That's rock and hard place for both of you. It's really sad that he marnates in his anger like this. He does himself no good, and spreads around his resentment.

    No, its unreasonable for you to cut off contact with your child. If this was a regular circumstance (your physical altercation) I could see limiting things. Yet, your husband needs to be open to the apology - and he doesn't seem like he is open to it. He is so full of himself - and anger to see it at this point. It's really sad for him. No one should be soaking themselves in that much anger.

    Christ does not ask you to submit to sin. Yes, your son does have a hand in this regarding the apology. Yet, it's not a one way street. His apology shouldn't be conditioned, and so far he has placed them there. He is not acting like a honoring husband to demand things like this from you. We are to find ways to see reconciliation if possible, and not place roadblocks in the path. We certainly are never asked to lose empathy towards people, and lord demands from others.

    When you son does apology your husband will not have anymore reasons to be ugly in spirit, and it may reveal your husbands sin of holding to grudges. Your son seems contrite, but your husband is the one that needs working on. No one is all that. His arrogance will be his downfall.

    Love your son has the gift that God intended. Your husband has some work to do, and he will be hard to love at times. He has some choices to make. I pray that he makes the right ones.
     
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