Struggling with Rejection, Resentment, and Bitterness because of years of romantic rejection

[mjones66]

This is going to be a LONG message. Please bare with me:

So I am 32 years old, and to make a long story short, throughout my life so far, I have experienced a lot of romantic rejection. I never really "dated" someone, and everyone I was interested in wasn't interested in me. So I have been pretty much single for my whole life so far.

I've done almost every dating site besides eHarmony.

These actual rejections, or feelings of rejection, sparked a lot of anger in me- a lot of resentment towards women romantically. Rejection or perceived rejection has a number of side effects, but two definite ways of coping with it is depression ("No one wants me. I'm unloved. I'm not good enough") or pride ("There is nothing wrong with me. I AM good enough. I HAVE a lot to give. They are the ones who are clueless. They can't tell a decent guy from a player.)

I've been on both sides of that coin. But rejection creates a sense of anger and pride in me, because I believe that I am good enough, and that I was never taken with the seriousness I felt I deserved. I justified my rejection by blaming the opposite sex for never taking me seriously.

At one point, I had a lot of female friends, and I saw that they were human, like anyone else, and had their flaws and weaknesses. And I realized that we all are insecure, and that there are a lot of people out there who are looking for love/acceptance/validation from other people who are as insecure as they are. It is an irony- the fact that flawed people looks to other flawed people as a source of love/acceptance/validation. Myself included.

Logically, I know that the love and acceptance of woman romantically isn't going to radically change my life and make it wonderful. I understand that women AND men are both flawed by nature, and are not always going to be creatures of consistency, whereas God is the same in the past, present, and future. I understand that ultimately God's acceptance is more important than the acceptance of people.

And yet, despite this, I feel resentment, anger, bitterness for never being taken seriously by anyone I was interested in. I've had many, many, many rejections.

There have been times where I swore off even trying, because it wasn't worth getting rejected, getting angry, and internally blaming the opposite sex in its entirety for my rejection.

Despite these feelings, I treat women with respect and not contempt, but deep down, I am resentful and bitter. I feel rejected and not good enough, and this sparks a narcissistic reaction of pride as a defensive mechanism to cope with that rejection (I am good enough! They are the ones who have trouble discerning good guys from players. I always had the right intentions, and I was not after dishonorable things. But they never took me seriously. I
won't try anymore, I won't trust them, I will do my own thing).

And I honestly don't know what to do. I want to let go of this bitterness, this anger for all the rejection I have encountered over the years. Honestly, I wish I never had a desire for romantic love from the opposite sex. But I still have a sentimental, caring, and loving side, which is an indication for my underlying desire for romantic love.

It is like a battle between my heart, which wants love and wants to be loved, and my mind, who knows from the past the things that get me hurt, and wants me to be safe and out of harm's way by not trying.

Any thoughts?

 

[seekingmuch]

I've done almost every dating site besides eHarmony.

These actual rejections, or feelings of rejection, sparked a lot of anger in me- a lot of resentment towards women romantically. Rejection or perceived rejection has a number of side effects, but two definite ways of coping with it is depression ("No one wants me. I'm unloved. I'm not good enough") or pride ("There is nothing wrong with me. I AM good enough. I HAVE a lot to give. They are the ones who are clueless. They can't tell a decent guy from a player.)


Any thoughts?

First, and this is controversial, but dating sites are for "losers*"...and hookups.

*It is not a slight at anyone, but the truth about the sites themselves. They are money grabs. They promise love and rarely deliver. They are filled with scammers (out of the 100 I talked to over 6 months, 95 were scammers, so I quit and never looked back), including the sites themselves, who prey on men AND women. Dating sites are very superficial. Few read profiles and most respond to pictures. Hence, it's for losers. Fake profiles littered sites, and so do dead (they haven't logged on in months or ever a year) profiles.

Instead, go to things you are passionate about (hobbies, volunteerism, college (if that age), etc.) and you'll find a like-minded person. That's where you meet people not a dating site. The worst places to meet people---work (it's just not smart) and church (come to that conclusion after lots of research unless you make lots of money and are a "professional").

Trust me, someone wants you. You are good enough. Read the book, "I will love myself because my life depends on it." If you love yourself, you will attract the right women. There won't be many, but they will be the right women. Women aren't rejecting you....but rejecting what you are projecting. If you don't love yourself, no one else, but mom, is going to love you.

Don't be angry at a 10 that doesn't want to date you, especially if you aren't a 10. In fact, want the skinny? Approach average looking women. Beauty is not their currency--personality is. Ask close friends to honestly rate your looks. I actually got way higher than what I thought. But, I hated myself for a long time. LOL

 

[mjones66]

Believe it or not, I tend to agree with you when it comes to dating sites, that they have a tendency to make false promises based on idealistic notions of success.

However I wouldn't say they're necessarily for "losers*", but for lonely hearts and people looking for acceptance and validation through each other.

To be blunt- we live in a society that favors sensuality and emotional highs over dependable substance. Men often want the most attractive women, because it emotionally stimulates then. Women want men that's emotionally stimulate them but are not bad looking either. That's hpw messed up and skewed our vision of attractiveness is. What we normally would think of as attractive qualities- kindness, gentleness, friendliness, generosity- they all play second fiddle to primal emotional attractions.

It's not a matter of finding someone to date to validate my sense of romantic value. it has been a matter of proving that I am worthy, and the lack of opportunity or chances to prove myself angets me, because I know I am worthy.

And as a defensive mechanism it makes me very arrogant and slightly narcissistic and throwing the blame on the opposite sex because I'm not taking it seriously as I should be.

Quite honestly, if I could, I'd rip that repugnant desire out of my heart because it has not served me any useful purpose. It's unfortunate we can't do that, can we?

The love and acceptance of people can come and go as quickly as the seasons, and that especially holds true towards romantic love.

I do engage in hobbies but usually it's by myself. And although I understand this is not your insuination, I'm not chasing after 10s, but I've went after average-looking girls as well, to be subject to their rejection.

I've just come to the realization we live in a superficial society that places value on superficial things. I seen so many stupid things from both sexes when it comes to love, and the emotional justifications people use for bad behavior.

My sentimentality towards romantic love has never served me well and I will try to
avoid it.

First, and this is controversial, but dating sites are for "losers*"...and hookups.

*It is not a slight at anyone, but the truth about the sites themselves. They are money grabs. They promise love and rarely deliver. They are filled with scammers (out of the 100 I talked to over 6 months, 95 were scammers, so I quit and never looked back), including the sites themselves, who prey on men AND women. Dating sites are very superficial. Few read profiles and most respond to pictures. Hence, it's for losers. Fake profiles littered sites, and so do dead (they haven't logged on in months or ever a year) profiles.

Instead, go to things you are passionate about (hobbies, volunteerism, college (if that age), etc.) and you'll find a like-minded person. That's where you meet people not a dating site. The worst places to meet people---work (it's just not smart) and church (come to that conclusion after lots of research unless you make lots of money and are a "professional").

Trust me, someone wants you. You are good enough. Read the book, "I will love myself because my life depends on it." If you love yourself, you will attract the right women. There won't be many, but they will be the right women. Women aren't rejecting you....but rejecting what you are projecting. If you don't love yourself, no one else, but mom, is going to love you.

Don't be angry at a 10 that doesn't want to date you, especially if you aren't a 10. In fact, want the skinny? Approach average looking women. Beauty is not their currency--personality is. Ask close friends to honestly rate your looks. I actually got way higher than what I thought. But, I hated myself for a long time. LOL