Struggling with loving my parents

[ryewolf]

I’m a 32 year old woman and grew up in a “Christian” household. Meaning I was forced to go to church but never actually led in the way of living for Christ. My mom implemented rules because she wanted to be in control of us, not because of what God says. I am resentful of this because I wish I had been raised to love and live for Christ. It took me until I was 30 to realize I needed to give my life over to Christ. One example of how my mom did not lead my sister and I in the way of the lord is that my sister asked her if she should have sex with her boyfriend because he wanted to. My mom told her - “if you love each other then yes”. She was not an example of a Christian woman. So needless to say, my sister and I sinned in that area of our lives. My mom NEVER sat us down and said let’s look at what God says about sex outside of marriage and why. I wish I had that kind of guidance.

So there is definitely bitterness in my heart about that and I know I need to forgive her. But now as an adult, I see the truth about my mom and how she is. She barely listens when I speak but if I am quiet she thinks there’s something wrong. If she stays at my place and I look at my phone or am not very talkative, she’ll assume I just “want her to leave” - she’s even stormed out before several times. She constantly complains about her life and how horrible it is, and is negative about everyone. She always says that she hates people and constantly bashes men including my dad. She’ll cuss about him as soon as he walks out the door.

This is challenging to be around as a Christian woman because she is the opposite of how God calls us to live, and what am I supposed to say to her? If I were to EVER tell my mom she is wrong in any capacity, she will become extremely defensive and say things like “maybe I should just go kill myself”.

In regards to my dad, many times when I’m around them the subject of how he used to spank me will be brought up. He’ll say something like “you weren’t spanked enough as a child” or ask if I remember being spanked. He thinks it’s funny when he talks about it. I remember my mom leaving once when I was in elementary school and I was screaming for her not to leave me with him. Once she did, my dad tore off the plastic rod on the curtains and spanked me extremely hard with it - I remember so much rage in his eyes. He also had a paddle that he bore holes into so there was less wind resistance while he spanked me.

My parents in general bring up my childhood a lot and talk about embarrassing things I did. About 5 Christmases ago my parents found a journal of mine from middle school and wrapped it as a present. They apparently had read it and bookmarked a page and told me to read it. It was about me having a crush on this boy and I had written some explicit things about him. I had never been so humiliated in my ENTIRE LIFE by them doing that. Anytime my childhood starts to be mentioned, I just want to change the subject. I don’t agree with how my parents raised me or the things they did to me.

So all that is to say that I’m struggling big time with loving them. I feel bad to say that I’d prefer to keep a distance from them. They are not people I would ever be friends if they weren’t my parents (on top of all that was already mentioned they are racist). I’ve had to go to therapy because of them and what they have psychologically done to me. I’m afraid of commitment because of how miserable they seem in their marriage (Christ is certainly not at the center). There’s just so much I resent.

The Bible tells us to confront other Christians if they are not living in the way of Christ, but I am terrified to do this with my own parents. I just don’t know what to do.

 

[*LILAC]

I totally hear where you're coming from.

All you can really do is pray for them. Stop all contact. Do NOT let them control you, a grown woman.

Narcissism is real. Love them but leave them alone.

 

[Sketcher]

You both need to get to the point where you're sick of fighting each other. Fortunately, I had gotten there by the time I hit 32.

Do you still live under the same roof?
How often do you see each other?
What are you doing different in your life from what they did back then?

The last question is highly relevant for a couple of reasons.

First, you need to build better habits into your life. You don't want to be what you hate, and you have both their upbringing and their genetics, so you need to make sure that you don't fall in the same ways, at least not as hard. You're doing this for your sake and for the family you will eventually have.

Second, when ungodly people see Godly people doing things differently than they, a side effect is they can be intimidated, and get defensive. When people get defensive, they lash out. When they lash out, you can respond that you're doing ____ differently because you're following Jesus. So if they're going to be petty about this, they're going to feel accused without your needing to level any accusations. Which is just as well if direct accusations have not worked before. And if they don't lash out, that's actually better since they would be respecting your choice. The beauty if this is it gives them a choice without needing to directly confront them. And if they're choosing to be uncomfortable, then they are opening the conversation which should hopefully mean they are more open to receiving something from you.

Also, when you get that opening, avoid the frontal attack on their character and target their reasoning or their actions, whichever is off. This can be done by asking questions.

 

[Macchiato]

Leave them. Your parents are toxic and you owe them nothing. Heal first then confront later if you wish but people like this dont usually realize or see where theyre wrong best to pray from afar for them to avaoid further damage.

 

[Simon P]

I'm really sorry to read about the issues you have been having with your parents. I feel for you because it's a difficult situation.

We have a Christian duty to love our parents, but in doing so that doesn't mean we ought not to create some space to reflect and get any help we need. My understanding from what you have shared is that there is toxicity in the way your parents have treated you. Loving your parents doesn't mean that you put up with abusive situations just because they are your parents. You can keep your distance, create some space to reflect and heal. Then you can go back and talk to them if you feel that is what you want to do.

Look after yourself first, it's not selfish. It's loving yourself and actually loving your parents even though it may not feel that way.

Praying for you and hope you find peace