Struggling with Envy

[soulwanderer13]

I honestly never really know where to post things, but this thread seems more active than than the other forum where this might fit. Hope it's okay here. Anyway.

I've been doing some serious self reflection recently, and I've noticed just how envious I can be. I'm really not all that pretty, and I've always been envious of pretty girls. I'm envious of those who have talent, and are proud of their talent, because I have little self-confidence in my own talents. I am a shy quiet person around others I don't know that well, and I am envious of those who can easily make friends and really participate in activities.
But my jealousy doesn't make me want to better myself. It just drags me down and makes me depressed. I want to be thinner and look better? "Well, there's no way I could possibly ever look any better than I do now, so why should I waste my time and energy?" Someone else is really good at the things that I'm also interested in? They inspire me for a short time, but then I think "I just don't have the talent for this, and I never will. I wish I could be like that but I'll never be good enough". I want to be more happy and outgoing? "People will judge me for how I look. Besides, I'm too awkward. There's no way I can even pretend to not be shy."
Sometimes it gets bad enough that when I see others being successful and happy in their own accomplishments, I just am unable to be happy and celebrate with them. The major examples that I can think of lately are these. Recently my fiance has been really wanting to improve himself physically and wants to get a gym membership so that he can go and exercise. He's asked me if he can, and I've been hesitant and told him that I want him to be sure that he can afford the gym membership. Deep down I think I almost want him to not go so that I don't feel like a loser who's not doing anything to improve myself. He also has been working on a fiction book for some time, and he's lost inspiration in the past to keep working on it. I myself like writing and have given a shot at writing a fictional story, but I have very quickly lost the inspiration to keep going. Recently my fiance has gotten the motivation again to keep working on it, and he's been doing really good about keeping up with it. And yet here I am still just wanting to give up on everything I've started. He's been so excited and telling me about how happy he is that he wants to work on it again. I'm glad that he found the inspiration, but honestly his joy in writing again has made me angry and depressed with myself that I can't do the same.

As per usual, this is super long, but I would greatly appreciate maybe some advice on how I can be less selfish and be able to not be envious of others. And maybe even some advice on overcoming what makes me not want to improve myself. Thank you.

 

[Humble me Lord]

I know its hard being a young person, it was for me too. I was painfully shy and awkward, but you wouldn't know it now. I changed over time and you will too.
God made you who and how you are, and He will put situations in your life to shape you into what He wants you to be. The best advice I could give you is to grow in your relationship with Him. Treat Him like your best friend and let Him be your guide. It doesn't matter what other people think about you, it does matter in the end when we stand before the throne.
God bless you

 

[Bluerose31]

I honestly never really know where to post things, but this thread seems more active than than the other forum where this might fit. Hope it's okay here. Anyway.

I've been doing some serious self reflection recently, and I've noticed just how envious I can be. I'm really not all that pretty, and I've always been envious of pretty girls. I'm envious of those who have talent, and are proud of their talent, because I have little self-confidence in my own talents. I am a shy quiet person around others I don't know that well, and I am envious of those who can easily make friends and really participate in activities.
But my jealousy doesn't make me want to better myself. It just drags me down and makes me depressed. I want to be thinner and look better? "Well, there's no way I could possibly ever look any better than I do now, so why should I waste my time and energy?" Someone else is really good at the things that I'm also interested in? They inspire me for a short time, but then I think "I just don't have the talent for this, and I never will. I wish I could be like that but I'll never be good enough". I want to be more happy and outgoing? "People will judge me for how I look. Besides, I'm too awkward. There's no way I can even pretend to not be shy."
Sometimes it gets bad enough that when I see others being successful and happy in their own accomplishments, I just am unable to be happy and celebrate with them. The major examples that I can think of lately are these. Recently my fiance has been really wanting to improve himself physically and wants to get a gym membership so that he can go and exercise. He's asked me if he can, and I've been hesitant and told him that I want him to be sure that he can afford the gym membership. Deep down I think I almost want him to not go so that I don't feel like a loser who's not doing anything to improve myself. He also has been working on a fiction book for some time, and he's lost inspiration in the past to keep working on it. I myself like writing and have given a shot at writing a fictional story, but I have very quickly lost the inspiration to keep going. Recently my fiance has gotten the motivation again to keep working on it, and he's been doing really good about keeping up with it. And yet here I am still just wanting to give up on everything I've started. He's been so excited and telling me about how happy he is that he wants to work on it again. I'm glad that he found the inspiration, but honestly his joy in writing again has made me angry and depressed with myself that I can't do the same.

As per usual, this is super long, but I would greatly appreciate maybe some advice on how I can be less selfish and be able to not be envious of others. And maybe even some advice on overcoming what makes me not want to improve myself. Thank you.

Jesus loves you. He feels you are very beautiful and that you are talented. Jesus sees all women as being very beautiful. It has helped me to know Jesus feels I am beautiful. Also, reading Gods word and journaling to Jesus helps me a lot. I also write stories and that soothes me too. I would say pray to Jesus to help you with your stories so that writing can help heal you.

 

[miamited]

Hi soulwanderer,

I agree with humble me Lord, that age can play some part in one's ability and confidence in being outgoing. However, it is also often a sign of low self-confidence or low-self esteem. Have you ever really just sat down between you and yourself and God and asked what the underlying issue might really be that causes you to feel uncomfortable in just sticking your hand out to someone in a social gathering and just saying 'hi' without being asked or prompted to? Ever asked yourself, when you see someone else doing something that you think to yourself, 'gosh, I could never do that', why? Of course, that's assuming that whatever it is that you're hoping to emulate isn't bad.

Often times we create our own fear with our own imagination. We think to ourselves, 'goodness, they'll think I'm silly', or some such. Of course, having a quite personality or nature isn't a bad thing at all. But, if it's causing you some feelings of ill will, then I think it's worth looking into why you might feel as you do.

I remember many years ago taking my son to Disneyworld and standing in line for the ET adventure. It's just a ride where you sit in a car that's made to look like a bicycle and you move around in a dark theater type surrounding with a screen image playing in front of you to give you the illusion that you are riding this bicycle through the air following ET. My son, who was likely 4/5 at the time, cried through the entire hour long wait in line that he didn't want to go and showed obvious signs that he was allowing his imagination of what was going to happen inside the ride to put fear into him. I tried my best to console him and assure him that it wasn't any kind of rough or speedy thrill ride, but would be just like him riding his bicycle at home. There was no consoling him.

Well, we got to the ride and we pretty much made him get on with him still sobbing and pleading with us that we not make him ride the ride. However, we persevered and he did get on the ride. When we were done, you couldn't have kept him away from riding that ride a thousand times over. He was all smiles and giggles.

He had allowed his fear of a picture in his imagination of something being terrible about the ride, to cause his great concern. The reason I had persevered in 'forcing' him to ride the ride was because I had gone through the exact same experience at his age in Chicago many, many years before when my parents took us to a toboggan run. I was scared literally to death to get on that long toboggan sled, but after the first ride was over, wild horses couldn't have kept me from going again.

Could this be a part of your problem? That you envision terrible things happening if you just step out in a social gathering and start talking? Honestly, as far as I know, the only way to overcome such imagined fears is just to go out and do it.

As far as you're not being as pretty as other girls your age or overweight, it is true that overweight people, whether girls or boys, suffer from some self esteem issues. They've usually been teased or made fun of a time or two in their lives, and because of that experience, they tend to either withdraw or act out to ease their feelings of unworthiness. Weight issues can be worked on, but I'm not going to sugar coat it. It can be hard work and require mountains of perseverance. I'm also going to be forthright with you that overweight issues can also lead to real health issues the longer they go on.

So, if your being overweight is thought to be a part of this problem, then I can only encourage you to take control of that. God's word does say that we shouldn't be gluttonous in our eating and that's generally what leads to being overweight. I speak from experience on that. I'm 62 and weigh about 220 lbs. which is at least 40 lbs. over my 'desired' weight. I often struggle to get out of chairs and low slung cars. It's difficult for me to tie my own shoes and I usually have to put my foot up on some table or chair in order to do it and even then, it's a bit of work. I have taken the weight off on occasion and so I know that without the big spare tire around my waste, it's a lot easier to bend over and such.

As to your beauty, this world makes a big toodoo about outward beauty, but God's word says that a godly woman has inward beauty. A gentle and beautiful spirit. Yes, I know that isn't much comfort to a young girl these days, but I believe that if you do what you can with the outside, but make the inside sparkle like gold, you will be beautiful.

Of course, in all things of self improvement, I very, very strongly encourage that you also turn some of that work over to God. Of all the things that you mention, I think the outward beauty is likely the least important for you to deal with. Work on the inward beauty so that people will say of you, 'what a beautiful young lady' about you. Not referring to your outward appearance, but rather the goodness and beauty of your spirit.

I hope this helps in some small way.

But, just so you do understand, God does love you no matter any of these physical issues with your body. While I can again agree that I can see such a statement not being particularly consoling to a young woman just getting on in life...it is the truth.

I have faith in you that you are a human being just like the rest of us and that you are made up of blood and muscle and hair and such just like the rest of us. Because of that, and the fact that other such people are able to do what it is that you desire you could do, I know that you can. I believe, just like my experience and my son's experience that if you can somehow overcome your anxiety about what you're afraid might happen, you can feel better about yourself and your abilities.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted

 

[soulwanderer13]

Hi soulwanderer,

I agree with humble me Lord, that age can play some part in one's ability and confidence in being outgoing. However, it is also often a sign of low self-confidence or low-self esteem. Have you ever really just sat down between you and yourself and God and asked what the underlying issue might really be that causes you to feel uncomfortable in just sticking your hand out to someone in a social gathering and just saying 'hi' without being asked or prompted to? Ever asked yourself, when you see someone else doing something that you think to yourself, 'gosh, I could never do that', why? Of course, that's assuming that whatever it is that you're hoping to emulate isn't bad.

Often times we create our own fear with our own imagination. We think to ourselves, 'goodness, they'll think I'm silly', or some such. Of course, having a quite personality or nature isn't a bad thing at all. But, if it's causing you some feelings of ill will, then I think it's worth looking into why you might feel as you do.

I remember many years ago taking my son to Disneyworld and standing in line for the ET adventure. It's just a ride where you sit in a car that's made to look like a bicycle and you move around in a dark theater type surrounding with a screen image playing in front of you to give you the illusion that you are riding this bicycle through the air following ET. My son, who was likely 4/5 at the time, cried through the entire hour long wait in line that he didn't want to go and showed obvious signs that he was allowing his imagination of what was going to happen inside the ride to put fear into him. I tried my best to console him and assure him that it wasn't any kind of rough or speedy thrill ride, but would be just like him riding his bicycle at home. There was no consoling him.

Well, we got to the ride and we pretty much made him get on with him still sobbing and pleading with us that we not make him ride the ride. However, we persevered and he did get on the ride. When we were done, you couldn't have kept him away from riding that ride a thousand times over. He was all smiles and giggles.

He had allowed his fear of a picture in his imagination of something being terrible about the ride, to cause his great concern. The reason I had persevered in 'forcing' him to ride the ride was because I had gone through the exact same experience at his age in Chicago many, many years before when my parents took us to a toboggan run. I was scared literally to death to get on that long toboggan sled, but after the first ride was over, wild horses couldn't have kept me from going again.

Could this be a part of your problem? That you envision terrible things happening if you just step out in a social gathering and start talking? Honestly, as far as I know, the only way to overcome such imagined fears is just to go out and do it.

As far as you're not being as pretty as other girls your age or overweight, it is true that overweight people, whether girls or boys, suffer from some self esteem issues. They've usually been teased or made fun of a time or two in their lives, and because of that experience, they tend to either withdraw or act out to ease their feelings of unworthiness. Weight issues can be worked on, but I'm not going to sugar coat it. It can be hard work and require mountains of perseverance. I'm also going to be forthright with you that overweight issues can also lead to real health issues the longer they go on.

So, if your being overweight is thought to be a part of this problem, then I can only encourage you to take control of that. God's word does say that we shouldn't be gluttonous in our eating and that's generally what leads to being overweight. I speak from experience on that. I'm 62 and weigh about 220 lbs. which is at least 40 lbs. over my 'desired' weight. I often struggle to get out of chairs and low slung cars. It's difficult for me to tie my own shoes and I usually have to put my foot up on some table or chair in order to do it and even then, it's a bit of work. I have taken the weight off on occasion and so I know that without the big spare tire around my waste, it's a lot easier to bend over and such.

As to your beauty, this world makes a big toodoo about outward beauty, but God's word says that a godly woman has inward beauty. A gentle and beautiful spirit. Yes, I know that isn't much comfort to a young girl these days, but I believe that if you do what you can with the outside, but make the inside sparkle like gold, you will be beautiful.

Of course, in all things of self improvement, I very, very strongly encourage that you also turn some of that work over to God. Of all the things that you mention, I think the outward beauty is likely the least important for you to deal with. Work on the inward beauty so that people will say of you, 'what a beautiful young lady' about you. Not referring to your outward appearance, but rather the goodness and beauty of your spirit.

I hope this helps in some small way.

But, just so you do understand, God does love you no matter any of these physical issues with your body. While I can again agree that I can see such a statement not being particularly consoling to a young woman just getting on in life...it is the truth.

I have faith in you that you are a human being just like the rest of us and that you are made up of blood and muscle and hair and such just like the rest of us. Because of that, and the fact that other such people are able to do what it is that you desire you could do, I know that you can. I believe, just like my experience and my son's experience that if you can somehow overcome your anxiety about what you're afraid might happen, you can feel better about yourself and your abilities.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted

Wow, this is extremely helpful. Thank you.

I agree that I let my fear of things really hold me back. I'm sure if I had just done things and taken opportunities as they came without worrying, I would be a lot happier now. I'm still young and have a lot I can do, but I feel like it's too late for me to change for some reason. Even though that is very untrue.

As far as my weight goes, I think I'm also about 30-40 pounds over what I should be. I never really cared about it before, but I know that the older you get the harder it is to get that weight off, and so I've been very worried. I don't want bad health in the future. And I also want to feel comfortable with how I look, even to myself.

I also don't have a strong connection to God like I should. You're right, I need to work on that. I used to pray every night, and then I'm not sure what happened. Now I wonder if I'm even worth listening to, but maybe He really does want to help me. But I need to get back on track with that.

Again, thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to respond. You pretty much pinned it all on the head. And your story about your son was cute.

 

[miamited]

Hi soulwanderer,

I'm glad I was able to help.

Maintaining a strong relationship with our Lord can sometimes require an effort to keep up. However, there is a lesson in that for your situation also. Just as we sometimes need to put forth extra effort to maintain our relationship with the Lord, it often takes extra effort to overcome our fears and anxieties.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted