Struggling with adultery.

[Shark]

Marrying as virgins with only one another to experience the first everything, is a lovely relationship....
And being so young, committing yourselves to forever before you even knew who that adult sexual part of yourselves was in making that promise, is naive. Optimistic and very very inexperienced...
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Of course. You were virgins. Now she's feeling something new for someone else. Because all she's ever known is you and that isn't who she is, when she's with you. She's her own person as you are too.
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The adversary doesn't win if you divorce. The adversary wins if you force yourself to live in a relationship where one of you isn't bound in the joy and the commitment that marriage covenants promise one another.
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Taking those vows; "...till death us do part." Seems do-able at the time. However, in a bad marriage, in a marriage where one partner is already leaving either in mind, emotion or through adultery, there are a great many ways to die.
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I'd never heard this sermon (short version here) before however, I do find Bishop TD Jakes inspiring.

So much of your post is true. I especially found interest in your point that there are many ways to "die". True, the fairy tale of marrying as virgins and living happily ever didn't go quite as planned. There was a lot of pain and there are still consequences. I tend to be overly optimistic, sometimes to a fault.

It was 10 years ago, though. 10 years later, we're still together, and I think our story can bring hope to others that if people are committed to improving themselves and working together, a relationship can withstand very difficult struggles such as adultery and heal. It's definitely not "the easy way", but there is hope.

I am so glad now today that we didn't take the advice offered in the TD Jakes video you linked. Nothing personal, but I am glad that I pushed my wife for reconciliation and that she got her life back on track. I am glad that I had to grow up, and realize a lot of my own flaws.

DuskDove took a lot of flak in this thread back then, and I couldn't see it at first, but she was right. Even though my wife did something really bad, I know now that I contributed to the situation by being selfish and overconfident, and not giving my wife the attention she needed.

 

[SplendidTree]

Glad to hear this! Praying!

 

[LoricaLady]

Everyone one of your feelings seem so natural and you articulate them very well.

You have been very hurt and confused that isn't going to just fly away overnight.

I agree with the poster who mentioned Job. I suspect most believers go through a Job experience. Remember he said that when it was over he would be refined like gold. This experience can make you gold. I will be praying for that to happen.

I see a ton of good signs. You wife admitted up front & right away what had happened. She quit her job to avoid the scoundrel. She is obviously trying to save the marriage so she must value you - and far more than she valued him.

The concept of "hedges" in a Christian marriage is a good one. If she had followed those rules she would not be in this situation but it seems she may be willing to follow them now.

This isn't from Scriptures - you already know the verses on forgiveness from there - but from Shakespeare (I think) "To err is human. To forgive is divine."

I would pray to know if you are going to be able to trust her in the future or not. If the answer is Yes, or the answer is Yes, but some changes need to be made, some actions taken, then I would forgive her.

Fast (not too much, so that you stress out or deprive your body of essential nutrients) and pray about this. It is too much for you. But not too much for you and our Savior together. Wait until you hear from Him. There is really no hurry.

 

[LoricaLady]

Oops. I didn't catch it that the first post in the string was about a decade old.

I am so glad you and your wife have been reconciled, but I am concerned for you that the bad experience (and/or whatever else) has led you to little faith in YHWH's Word. It is supported by archaeology, science (yes, evolution is b.s., just pseudo science based on logical fallacies & inferences presented as evidence) fulfilled prophecies (notice Moses said 3000 years ago that his people would be persecuted and scattered throughout the world but that a remnant would always remain, for example) and innumerable personally transforming experiences. I will be praying for you and your family to come into all truth.

 

[Stephanie7]

I can see why you are hurting. Your wife gave into a moment of temptation and fell into sin. It tells me a lot that she was able to come clean and tell you about it. It sounds like she is remorseful and wants your forgiveness. However, forgetting may not be easy and may not happen over night for you, it will take time to rebuild trust and rekindle the love that you once had.
I think it's normal for you to be questioning all kinds of doubts and things. I think counseling may help to get you started.
As for divorce, it will only lead your wife to eventually end up with another. Are you willing to give her up in that way?

Father God You know of all or our human weakness and our moments of stupidity. Thank You Father for sending Jesus who forgives us our sins and remembers no more. LORD this man is hurting badly, it would release him to forgive his wife fully, but from what I am reading, he is too hurt to do so. Help him to cope and deal with this shocking news and help him to confess forgiveness with his mouth but help him in time to feel full forgiveness towards his wife in his heart.
While he is healing emotionally from this betrayal, help him to treat his wife with respect, so it won't put her in a state of permanent guilt or cause her to turn the other way and fall into further sin seeking love. Let him know that You have not forsaken him but are standing along side of him (them) to work out their relationship to the good, In Jesus Name, Amen

You may want to look up It's a New Day Television on the internet. The authors Bob and Audrey Meisner have a few books out. They were in exactly the same spot you are right now, maybe even more so as they are co hosts of a daily Christian program. His wife fell into sin just like your wife had and it devastated him. He was showing his hurt on TV before they brought the short falling on air. They have risen out of the ashes as one may say and have gone on to share their healing, forgiveness and restoring testimonies to others and now share a loving relationship together with Christ.

God can heal and God can restore.