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Struggling with adultery.

Discussion in 'Prayer Wall' started by Shark, Feb 25, 2002.

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  1. Shark

    Shark Newbie

    This is a very adult situation. I know some of you are teenagers that read these messages, and I am advising you not to read this or comment on it. Thank you.

    I don't know what I expect from coming here--I suppose encouragement, and also catharsis.

    More than anything I would like to hear from a Christian man that has been through what I am going through--a Christian marriage that has been rocked by adultery.

    Background: I started dating this girl in 9th grade, when we were both 14 years old. 6 1/2 years later, we were married--and both virgins.

    I can say that in two sentences, but I don't know of any words that can describe the impact that has on a marriage relationship. Such a wonderful foundation of trust, and truly highlights sexuality as a spiritual issue. Especially for me--it meant a lot to me.

    We attend and even serve in church regularly--we were recently asked to take what I feel is a very important leadership position as teachers for a 4th and 5th grade sunday school class. We are tithers, and while of course we are not perfect we have tried to live a Godly lifestyle. I feel that we both need to work towards having a closer personal relationship with God, but that we had been doing well at living out His will.

    We've been married for about 1 1/2 years. We have no children. Now, the day before Valentine's day, my wife had sex with another man. Just out of the blue, it seems. It happened only once, and she confessed it to me the day after Valentine's. She answered all of my specific questions about what happened. There is a man where she worked that, when things were slow, would pass the time by showering her with compliments and attention. This turned to flirtation, and she has told me that there developed a running "joke" of him asking her over for sex. She would always decline, but never harshly because she enjoyed the attention. Soon he was telling her things like, "He doesn't deserve you," and, "I can give you things that he can't." The day before the adultery, she told him she would meet him the next day for lunch. Sex was not discussed, but due to their running "joke", it was mutually understood that she was not coming just for food. She began to have doubts that night, and contacted one of her friends for advice. This friend is not a Christian, and is involved her current relationship evolved from a lunch break in which she cheated on her long time boyfriend. Her advice to my wife was to do whatever she wanted--if she liked the guy, then go for it--but if she didn't want to have sex with him, then have nothing further to do with him. At this point, I really think that my wife had decided to cancel her "date". She enjoyed the attention, but did not want to commit adultery.

    This may seem inappropriate, but I think it is relevant to the situation. That night, my wife began her period. Since we never copulate during this time, she tells me that she saw this as a chance to not cancel her date (and so keep getting the compliments that she enjoyed), but also know that nothing would happen in terms of sex.

    The next day, she went to this man's home for lunch. He kissed her, and she said, "This is wrong." He told her, "It will be okay. It will make you feel better." She told him that she was having her period, and he said it didn't matter to him. At this point, I do not understand why or how she could have continued, but she tells me that she basically felt numb--as though she were watching this happen, but not actually participating. And so she ended up having un-protected, adulterous sex with this man.

    After she told me, the morning after Valentine's day, I set up an appointment with a minister. There wasn't much he could do, really. She is truly sorry, I am hurt, and he just prayed for us. He said he wanted to see us stay together and work through this, but that it would not be easy if we did. I told him I was considering divorce. He said it is my choice, and told my wife that in the strictest interpretation of the Bible, if I divorce her for adultery she is never to remarry. Again, though, he encouraged me to stay in the relationship.

    That night I also confronted the man as he left work. For a long moment, I said nothing, and stared into his eyes. I think he knew who I was, but he did not look concerned--he looked straight into my eyes also. I told him that he had hurt my wife in a way that he will never understand, that he will pay for it, that it was evil, and that I honestly fear for his soul. He said it was the worst judgement of his life. I turned and walked away, and he called out to me, "Hey!" I turned around. He said, "I don't know what to say." I replied, "I don't think there is anything you can say," and walked away.

    I made my wife quit her job there and begin searching for a new one. We have decided that she will avoid if at all possible being in a room alone with another man besides me for any reason.

    Since then, the word I think of first to describe myself is devastated. But truly, it is a flood of many different emotions. Love for my wife, anger towards her, depression, and a swirl of blame: blaming myself, blaming her, blaming him, blaming her so-called friend, most of all, blaming Satan. Despite all the emotions I feel that truthfully this was a work of Satan. My wife was deceived, and this man was used by Satan, and her friend was used by Satan to coordinate this evil act.

    I am having such a difficult time dealing with this. I want to forgive my wife and move on, but I can't seem to let it go. It dominates my thoughts, and I try to occupy my mind with anything--TV, video games, work, music.

    I think of divorcing her--most often I resolve that if she has no sexual diseases from this encounter, then I will try to stay with her. She is scheduled for an appointment for STD screening later today, and the HIV virus can take up to 6 months to show up. So I won't know for sure until then. I intend that we will not have intercourse for that 6 months.

    I think I have pretty well made my mind up on that, but I still think of divorcing her, even if she has not contracted anything. It is very difficult, because I still love her and I know that she is really a good person that did a horrible thing. Yet this is the most serious infraction in a marriage--the ultimate betrayal. I believe she was decieved, but part of me thinks that if she is capable of doing this, then she is not the person I thought, and by extension, the person that I love is not real. Please read that sentence again, because it says a lot.

    But then I think... If we divorce, then Satan's evil plan has succeeded in destroying a Godly marriage. Or has it already? I mean, our purity is destroyed--there is no way we can ever go back to a marriage where we only experienced each other as sexual partners.

    I know in this day and age that doesn't seem to be a big deal, but that is the way God intended things to be--the scripture unequivocably and repeatedly stresses that point. And now it is ruined.

    My wife has apologized to me again and again, repented to the Lord, and says she is now inspired to be "the wife God intended" for me. She has been reading a lot of scripture, purchased two devotionals that she is working through, etc.

    Although I know that nothing should impact my relationship with God, this has. Honestly, one of the ways I am dealing with the hurt is by hardening my heart. It can't hurt me if I don't let it. I don't intend to do this, but I recognize that it is happening. I think that by hardening my heart, I numb myself to the pain, but I also close off my heart to God. I really can't seem to sit down and pray about this. I have read scripture, and tried to handle it with "Christian behaviour" but I have not gone to God for comfort or help. For some reason, I just haven't forced myself to sit down and do that.

    I do question, though, why God would allow this to happen. I know my wife has a free will, but I feel I have been faithful to God, and the scriptures say that if I honor God, he will protect me. I know I have not been perfect, but I haven't done anything to deserve this. I did "the right thing". I lived "the right way". Now I question good will. Why should I be good, when I will be hurt either way? Why should I not do whatever I feel--but that is life by a doctrine for pigs. Sometimes, I want to give up. But I don't want to die. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives." Now I know why. Living hurts. If you could have known me 2 weeks ago--I was one of the happiest people you would meet. I felt like I was protected by God, that nothing but good things could happen to me.

    One of the things the minister told us was that this should be kept confidential (which I don't think anonymous internet postings violate). That also makes it difficult for me, because I feel like I have to go around hiding my pain, acting like nothing has happened, while friends and family continue to think that my wife is such a good wife (I know that last part is petty, but I feel it and I'm trying to deal with it).

    Sometimes I get so mad, on the inside. I want to call her a whore or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I cannot believe that she ruined our purity just to be another notch in the headboard of some playboy (she knew this man had a lot of girlfriends). I refrain from saying it, but I say things to point out that she has done this evil thing to me. I don't say mean or hateful things, but I still think it is mean or hateful because I say things to make her think about what she has done so that she will feel guilty for it.

    Sometimes, I still don't believe this has happened. I think about our history, our story, and it doesn't seem plausible that this could happen.

    Othertimes, I get this feeling of angst in my chest, that makes me feel like I want to explode. But I don't even move. It feels strange.

    Ok, I've probably been writing this for two hours or something. I feel I've vented some. Now I would like to hear what others think, particularly if you have been in this situation before. I know there are people who have had adulterous spouses before, but I wonder how many there are out there that stayed chaste through years of dating, were married and lived as Christians, only to have the spouse commit this act against God, themselves, and their spouse.

    Thanks, and please pray for us.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Optimus_P

    Optimus_P Super Umpa Lumpa

    wow, when i read this it kinda reminds me of a past relationship.

    Let me share my experiance with you. We were only together for 3-4 years we had bore a child who was 1 by now. After she had teh baby she no longer to have intamate relations it was hard on me but i stuck it out, after all look at all i had. A gf, and a child. I have always believed in if you have a child you get married. (i dont think she would have said yes, on the basis of when i asked her to move in w/ me out of her mothers house should would not)

    well even tho i only lived a block away i helped her get online got her a pc and an inet connection and what not, and got her into online chatting. (me being a snoop installed various keyloggers and backdoors for myself) to monitor what was going on. One day i found a conversation between her and some girl of the not so on the up adn up. I was angry and upset. then i also found a conversation between her and a guy that was not on the up and up. Now i was furious, and livid. It just took a thought to think what else she does when i am not around and i couldnt handle that. I left that relationship after all that time invested a family started. talk about turnning your insides out, the pain is unbareable it truly is.

    to make a long story short my daughter is 4 now. i have only been able to see her a couple of times a year for less then an hour at most. and this is only allowed because her grandmother lets me come over to see her when my x is not around.

    Let me make this clear. sometimes i really wish it would have worked out. Other times i am glad i left. I put so much into it and feel robbed. but i would suffer thru all of that to have been a family. nothing can break a man down more then his daughter answering the phone and instanly crying when she hears your voice. She wont even let me have her on sundays for church (last time i saw my daughter i wrote "God [heart]'s You" on a piece of paper and she didnt know who that was. My daughter born in a catholic house dosent even know who God is. pain more then any one person can bear i tell you)

    I completly agree keeping a short rope on your wife (i do the same w/ my current gf), in time i hope the deep wounds can heal. I am sure the trust will come back and the pain will fade but on in time and forgiveness will you be able to pass the suffering you indure. Do not let doubt rule your heart.

    there is always councling to help this also if you decide to go that route.

    My prays be with you and your wife.
  3. FOMWatts<><

    FOMWatts<>< Follower of the Way

    I would ask you to take a look at the life of Job in the Bible. I know it is an old story, but I believe it applies here. Job was a man that walked with God. This doesn't mean he was perfect as you admit you are not either, but it means that he did as you say you do and he tried to stay in God's will. God knew Job's heart as He knows your heart and allowed Satan to test Job for his faithfulness to God. As you know Job lost everything, and after he had lost everything his friends told him to curse the Lord and die. Job answered with this, "Though He slay me, yet I will trust the Lord!" That is my advice to you friend. Though you do not understand stay steadfast in the faith you have portrayed these past years. He knows what He is doing or what He is allowing to happen. You have every right to be hurt by this, but do not let it kill you spiritually. REMEMBER God is in control! Tryo to open your heart to the one that created it and let Him lead and guide you in whatever you decide to do. This si the only wayyou will get back to that pure joy you once experienced. Having been cheated on myself I know the pain you are going through, but believe it or not it DOES go away. It has been a year since it happened to me and I have completely forgiven my partner. Not all of the trust has been restored, but my love remained just as strong and true to her. I did however decide to break up with her. We had been each other's one and only since they eighth grade and had remained sexually pure as well. People need time to experience differnt kinds of people in their dating lives and very seldomly does your case happen when you date that long at a young age and end up married. Yuor wife was probably in a mode of exploration that she should have expeirienced long before marriage where she wanted to know what else was out there. The guy she cheated on plainly needs JESUS, LOL. He is a sick sick case that I am praying for. MY advice to you is to seek guidance form teh only one that is capable of guiding you and that is GOD. "No man will be able to stand up against you as long as you live. As I was with Moses, so shalkl I be with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5. these are words spoken to another child of God during a time of need, and those words apply to us as well today. So stay strong in the Lord and open your heart to Him, and though He slay you, trust in Him. He loves you and will NOT let you down. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I hope my words brought some insight or inspiration. God peace, love, and mercy be with you.

    FOMWatts <><
  4. fieldmouse3

    fieldmouse3 Contributor

    Wow....I can only imagine how tough this situation must be for you. You seem to be handling it well. The anger you describe feeling is only natural when something terrible happens. Also, it's admirable that you are still willing to be with your wife, and to give heranother chance after she was with someone else. I'll be praying for you!
  5. solo66 man

    solo66 man Well-Known Member

    Pain is a difficult thing to live with, I know. I lived through 2 incidents of infidelity, with the same wife. The first, was after only
    about 1 1/2 years of marriage and the second was after 15 years.
    I have now been married to her for almost 29 years. I still like her and love her.

    First, the trust will come back.

    Second, it is good for neither one of you to be alone with the opposite sex. Billy Graham live by this. He wil not even be alone on long trips with his secretary. Satan is watching for every available opportunity.

    Third, the pain will last for awhile, but as time goes, stay in prayer
    and God will remove it. I know the pain is terrible. It seems it will last a lifetime, but if you forgive her, and pray that God puts the same forgiveness He has for us into your heart, He will. Don't rush it. It will come.

    Fourth, stop punishing her. She already feels terrible. She knows what she did. Curiosity, (Satan's) got the best of her. Remember we all fall to something. The question is, do we believe in the blood of Christ and God's mercies enough to get back up. We all fall and will need someone who will forgive us. What better situation can you ask for than that.

    Fifth, again, stop punishing her. You can be intimate with her before six months is up. Just use protection.

    Six, if you divorce her, Satan will have won a battle against all Christians and a major one against you and your wife. Give it all
    time and prayer. God does not want you to divorce her. Show your commitment to her and to God. Remember, for better, or for worst. That is our vow not only to all witnesses of our marriage, but a vow to God.

    Keep believing in God and His grace and mercy and you two will be fine in the long run and even stronger.

    God bless you and give you peace and strength and fill your heart with forgiveness.
  6. JohnR7

    JohnR7 Well-Known Member

    I went through the same thing with my first wife. At first it was a rape, and then she started to willingly have sex with other men. Of course it ended up in a divorce. So, just let me share with your some of the things I went though, and if it helps you fine.

    First of all, I was told it would take two or three years for the pain to go away, and my pain was intense. It ended up taking 5 years and even then I had a hard time from time to time.

    Then I found out I HAD to forgive her. God gave me a scripture. Bitterness and unforgiveness was tormenting me.

    Hebrews 12:15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;

    Matthew 18:33-34
    Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' [34] And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

    Also, I had to face up to the fact that perhaps I was to blame also, I could not put ALL of the blame on her.

    Deut. 28:30
    You shall betroth a wife, but another man shall lie with her; you shall build a house, but you shall not dwell in it; you shall plant a vineyard, but shall not gather its grapes.

    It was a part of the curse of the law that my wife would sleep with another man. It was a result of me not living right for God. I am just sharing what I went though and I discovered.

    Leviticus 20:10
    The man who commits adultery with another man's wife, he who commits adultery with his neighbor's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress, shall surely be put to death.

    Under the law both of them would be stoned to death. BUT we are not under the law, we are under grace. That is why Jesus allowed divorce in a situation like this. So we really need to study to understand what it means to live under grace and not under the law. Because as Jesus pointed out, under the law we all would be worth of death. All have sinned and fallen short.

    For me, I was hurting and I needed help and this was what brought me to God. So God caused good to come out of it. He can cause good to come out of it for you to. If you want to choose to have faith and confidence in God and what He can do.

    There is nothing so evil and so wicked, that God can not turn it all around and cause good to come out of it. God is able to redeem this situation. I don't know how He is going to do it, but He knows, and the answer is just to give it all to Him.

    Matthew 11:28-30
    Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. [29] Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

    If you harden your heart the enemy will have won. Rather live the life of a overcomer and find your victory in Jesus. Thanks, JohnR7
  7. placesofrefuge

    placesofrefuge New Member

    Wow!!! What a situation!! I think that a lot of men have gone through the very same sort of problem. We must, especially in the world as it s today, be very careful to guard not only our eyes, but the eyes of our loved ones. This may rub a few the wrong way but here it goes. The woman is a responder. She treats others the way she is treated. This is a general rule. The only time this is not true is when the woman has had a past history of abuse of all or any kind. She then carries the baggage of her past with her throughout her life unless she can find herself in a situation that is one that can change her life around. If this is a husband who is strapped with the duty of loving her and changing her, he must be very strong and love her with the "agape" love that God loves us with. A case in point is Dave Meyers. He had to be absolutely saintly in order to put up with Joyce. She is the first to admit it. It "taint" easy. Lots of prayer and fasting for that one!!!!! Be Blessed!-Lee
  8. LouisBooth

    LouisBooth Well-Known Member

    ouch. I'm sure that can be hard. I can't even say I can relate, because I can't. I will pray for you. Trust is a fragle thing but it takes both of you to rebuild it. I would say, as you already have I'm sure, sit down and talk to her. Start dating again like you did before you got married. You have to realistically set ways she can rebuild the trust that was broken between you. Do you pray together? Just you and her? Study scripture together? Its a hard thing to let go. I would also suggust going to that minister and setting up some sort of counciling session you can go to every week or so. I'll be praying for you.
  9. jrmorganjr

    jrmorganjr Paladin

    Hi Shark,

    I can't truly understand what you're going through, but I have have had my heart broken into a zillion pieces by a woman's infidelity as well.

    You do recover, the pain does fade to dull. It can be better than before. It's one of God's favorite maneuvers to allow such horrible things so He can turn it and you into something even better. But you won't realize that until you're looking back, probably years from now.

    For now, stick it out, love her harder if you can, as Christ loves his sinful, often adulterous Church. You can redeem her to yourself.

    Give yourself time, but don't let broken things linger, either.

    God bless and keep you. My prayers for you, brother.
  10. Josephus

    Josephus <b>Co-Founder Christian Forums</b> Supporter

    Hosea 3:1

    “Then the LORD said to me, "go and get your wife again. Bring her back to you and love her, even though she loves adultery. For the Lord still loves Israel even though the people have turned to other gods, offering choice gifts.”

    Hosea married an unfaithful wife. Often times we are reminded of just how much we have transgressed God in our covenant with Him. But the amazing thing is, God still loves us, and still is with us. And often times what was once good, now is even much better - and I can say that too, that beacuse God still loves me, even though I messed up a lot in the past, my relationship with Him is at a high never experienced by me before, and our relationship is one I wouldn't dare tread over again. Ever. As such, God can now use me for his even greater purposes since I am rock solid in my love for Him.

    I pray your wife continue to see that her relationship with you and with the Lord needs to grow even stronger than it ever has before. I pray that if the Lord directs you to stay together; that He grant you the peace about trusting in Him to make things right, as He is the Master at making bad things turn into good. It is because of that we have salvation, and a second chance.
    I urge you to continue in that. To continue to ask God to show you where you are at fault in a relationship with Him so that you too may always continue to grow and see yourself growing. I pray then that the Lord bring you closer to your wife, and she closer to you, and the three of you closer to one another as the cords of a three-way relationship with God as the third person is the strongest of all. Maybe in time you too can minister to others who have had to deal with this.

    It may seem strange, but God often has a better plan for us when we stick around to see how he can turn what was once bad into something used for the kingdom of God, his purposes, and his purposes for us.

    God bless you, and I am praying for all of you. God included. :)

  11. Martin

    Martin Senior Veteran

    Well, Shark, I have never had the experience that you (and others) have gone through, so I wonder what I can add to what has already been said by others. I don't know how you are feeling.... I can only imagine how you are feeling and in that light I offer these thoughts:

    1. You probably know something of the deep rejection that God felt when we rejected Him and went after worldly things. Yet God did not abandon us, He still loved us. More than that, he provided a way out for us to return to Him (by sending His only Son to die for us) and when we asked for forgiveness, He freely gave it and rejoiced when we came back to Him.

    Can I suggest that you use God as a role model? This is a tough call.... Don't put down your love for your wife, pick it up again. Continue to love her (love - essentially meaning that you want the best for her and will sacrifice or give yourself to her). If she has asked to be forgiven, then forgive her (really forgive her)....more than that, make her fully the object of your attention. Love her, as God loves you.

    2. Your marriage has been violated and scripturally, you do have the choice whether to pursue divorce or not, but I don't believe that this choice was ever God's desired intention, no matter what the situation. Matthew 19:7-8 "They said to Him 'Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?' He said to them, 'Because of the hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way'" (NASB). I cannot tell you what to do in your situation, you need to seek God on that one - but I'd like to suggest that even though God will understand your decision if you decided on divorce, He would prefer (want) you to look again to your wife and to avoid the hardness of heart of which the scripture speaks.

    3. All healing takes time. A burn on your finger will take several weeks to heal - but it will heal and just as if it never happened provided you don't pick at it (instant restoration is not healing but a miracle). Submit your heart to God and He will heal it....but it will take time.

    4. As solo66man has already said, I'm guessing that your wife feels the guilt over what she has done and you can choose to release her from that guilt. Recognise that she also needs restoration to take place - she needs to know she is forgiven. You will need to come to that point when you can honestly tell her that you forgive her for what she has done and that you want to re-establish your commitment to continue to love her.

    To restore the intimate relationship that you once had, I think you are going to have to start over again by seeking her out (romancing her, "dating" her, running after her again) and I'm guessing that it will take time, so be patient - one step at a time.

    5. The situation in which you now find yourself is a personal matter between you, your wife and God, but If you need a friend to help you to resolve your difficulties, then choose wisely.

    6. Some advice for you and all men.... Fundementally, whilst men are objective-oriented and look for purpose and significance in their lives, women are more relationship-focused and look to be loved. This creates a bit of a tension between a man and a woman. The man really needs to understand how to love his wife, which tends to be difficult for a lot of men because they don't know "what is required" (bad phrase but couldn't think of anyother way to write it). The Lord calls us to love our wives as God loves the church.

    TELL HER you love her, every day tell her you love her. Demonstrate your love towards her. Women do need to hear their husbands tell them that they are loved.... and they look for signs that they are loved. It's one of the reasons why romance has such a high place in a woman's order of things.

    Finally, I'm guessing that you have always loved your wife and you probably still do, but you have been badly hurt by the events that have taken place. Now you face a difficult challenge, but I would encourage you to exercise grace and mercy towards your wife as God as done with you, turn your face towards her and love her again.

    I praying that you will choose the right course of action and the you and your wife can regain the love ond trust for each other that you once enjoyed......
  12. placesofrefuge

    placesofrefuge New Member

    Top 10 list of ways to honor and love your wife in the day-to-day.

    10. Give small gifts even when it's not her birthday. When you go to the store, pick up a rose. If she likes crafts, pick up some thread. It doesn't need to be big, but it says she was in your thoughts while you were apart.

    9. When she's troubled by something, even if you think it's nothing, remember that it is real to her and be supportive.

    8. When she has a problem, realize that she may not be asking you to solve the problem but just to listen and let her know she's not facing it alone.

    7. Let pleasing her be enough to please you. Do things pleasing to her because you love her and not just so she'll return the favor.

    6. Let the things that matter to her matter to you. If she roots for a particular team, root with her. If she does cross-stitch, pick out designs that you'd like to see, and maybe even ask her to teach you how.

    5. Encourage her time with other women, who understand what it means to be a woman, and can affirm her femininity in ways that only women can.

    4. If you are going out, offer to run errands for her while you are out. If she is going out, ask if there are things you can do around the house while she is gone.

    3. If she is trying to improve herself, take note and encourage her, but make sure you don't suggest that you'll love her more after she improves herself.

    2. Not all loving touch needs to lead to intercourse. Our wives need to know that there are times when we are holding them because we love them and not because we are looking forward to our own pleasure.

    1. Pray for her and ask her how you can help her grow in her individual relationship with God, including areas that don't directly benefit you.

    Ye have heard that it was said, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
    28. but I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart Matt. 5:27-28
    Victory over the desires of the heart, must be attended with painful exertions. But it must be done. Every thing is bestowed to save us from our sins, not in them. All our senses and powers must be kept from those things which lead to transgression. Those who lead others into temptation to sin, by dress or in other ways, or leave them in it, or expose them to it, make themselves guilty of their sin, and will be accountable for it.If painful operations are submitted to, that our lives may be saved, what ought our minds to shrink from, when the salvation of our souls is concerned? There is tender mercy under all the Divine requirements, and the grace and consolations of the Spirit will enable us to attend to them.

  13. InspectorVol

    InspectorVol Regular Member

    The question you must answer is can you ever forgive her? You will never forget but if you hold any hope of a life with this woman you will have to forgive sometime or it will drive a wedge between you that can't be overcome. This will take time but it can be done. Marriage is not the happy happy joy joy times that are protrayed in movies and on TV. They take a lot of work, you will both have to work harder at staying married than anything you do in life. I know I have been married for nearly 18 yrs and there has been some really hard times. The thing both my wife and I had was we were both to stubborn to give up and that persevered us through her infidelity, depression, my selfishness and much worse but we survived and are better for it. Remember you can only control what you do and how you respond to her the rest is up to her to make it work. Good luck and may everything work out for both of you.
  14. Devoted Warrior

    Devoted Warrior Member

    My wife has apologized to me again and again, repented to the Lord, and says she is now inspired to be "the wife God intended" for me.

    Sometimes I get so mad, on the inside. I want to call her a whore or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

    Dear friend,

    What do you want, her blood?

    I am serious here. You can either forgive the way Jesus does, and the way he forgives YOU, or you can push both your wife and yourself onto a long, slow, slippery path to destruction.

    Offense is the bait of Satan.
    Rage is the bait of Satan.
    Unforgiveness is the bait of Satan.

    To rationalize and justify your own anger, evil, and hate is the bait of Satan.

    The question now is, who do you want to walk with?

    If you want to walk with God and Jesus, then you must forgive.
    You have to give undeserved and unconditional love.

    In this way, you will win that which you cannot obtain ANY other way.

    You will not obtain it through anything but love and forgiveness.

    It is your choice.

    In His love,

    p.s. None of us are sinless. We just all have different weaknesses.

    God bless.
  15. amie

    amie Survivor

    I will pray for you, I know it is difficult, I have been on the other side of it and it is a no win situation foor all involved. She loves you though and although hard to forget, you must forgive... right now you don't trust her, you probably don't trust anyone and the hurt you are feeling does not seem fair and it isn't and it is so painful right now and it is very personal. Unfortunately, our perceptions become our reality, I know this is hard, my story is horrible and much to personal to post, but you can e-mail me if you'd like me to share it...I am praying. God bless
  16. NoahsRaven

    NoahsRaven New Member

    Which is stronger, your jealousy or your love? She's still the same person you married. She made a mistake, as ALL do. Forgive or accuse? The battle is within YOU. If you part, what then? Will she fall further? Will you? Or will you cling to each other and hold on even tighter against the EVIL that so MANY underestimate?

    Don't blame the Father. Choice is a gift. Forgiveness is love.
  17. DuskDove

    DuskDove New Member

    Ok, Im going to give you a different perspective on this...

    From a WOMAN's point of view.

    First of all, you said that this man was telling her that YOU were not good enough for her and so forth. My question is, WHAT would lead him to say such a thing? What were their conversations at work? It sounds like SHE may have been expressing some unhappiness at home.
    You also said that this just came out of the blue. In a happy relationship, an affair does not JUST come out of the blue. You say that youre dealing with this by involving yourself with tv, videogames, work, music...Now PLEASE...Im NOT trying to bring you down any further...BUT...what I've noticed from your comments is that you look OUTSIDE of the relationship to find ways and means to console yourself. Was this the case BEFORE the affair?
    Another thing that leads me to believe that this did not just come out of the blue is that she was mentioning all the attention she liked from this other individual, the fact that she was not comfortable with going through the actual PHYSICAL part of this episode, she DID have doubts about their meeting. But she KNEW to keep the attention she desired, she had to comply with his set of rules (which, believe me, STILL does not justify her actions.)
    Reading into your comments, all the attention she was needing, was not to be found COMPLETELY at home. You also make statements that make one feel as if you are DEMANDING so much from her and the relationship. Are you pressuring her into being something YOU want her to be and thus, taking away from who she REALLY is?
    I am by NO means condoning an affair or justifying these actions in ANY marriage. But I am wondering where this would end if you decide to stay together. Are you still going to be demanding and make her live up to YOUR expectations of what she should be? Are you going to hold this HUMAN mistake against her in the future and use it as a WEAPON in any confrontations that arise? The fact that you even have thoughts of her being a "whore" or "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" makes one think that, even though you may have the ability to forgive, you may NOT choose to forget.
    The judgements made against her in this public format by you were VERY harsh. You assume that she allowed herself to be "just another notch in a playboy's bedpost" when this goes MUCH MUCH deeper than the physical aspect of what has happened. She even said that she felt as though she was not even there. That is called DISASSOCIATION. She WANTED the attention but unfortunately, it cost her the vows she made in your marriage.
    I would love the opportunity to hear what she has to say in her own words concerning what happened. But I am quite sure that she has no idea that you have posted this situation for the entire world to read. Even though it IS anonimous, would she be happy that you did this? Would you NOT be deceiving her by this action?

    Judge not...
  18. Devoted Warrior

    Devoted Warrior Member

    This is a good passage to consider:

    Luke 6:. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

    Luke 6: 37“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

    This sums it all up for me!

    God bless you all,
    nancy :)
  19. Crusader Abrahm

    Crusader Abrahm Member

    come on! stop it. everybody messes up. we don't need an excuse.
    we just do it. happy, unhappy, glad, sad, upset, upbeat. it makes no difference. there is no reason to sin. but we all do, don't we.
    well, do you? don't lie either.
  20. WhitBit

    WhitBit Mirror of His Heart

    I do not think that DuskDove was giving anyone an excuse...but there are issues that should be addressed, and the original post asked for our thoughts. Adultery is rarely a "whim" type of offense - it is a result of some kind of buildup in most cases I've ever seen. Why is Dusk's comment not applicable? It was honest and sound, IMHO.

    This thread is unique - I've never seen such a candid approach to this kindof situation, and it's encouraging to see people really searching their hearts and using Scripture to back it up :)
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