- Sep 30, 2017
- 7
- 17
- 71
- Country
- United Kingdom
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Divorced
Hello Folks,can someone PLEASE advise me? I have such a lot of baggage in my life & its all stopping me from becoming a true Born Again Christian.
Let me start by saying I am a 65 year old lady living in the uk,near Sutton Coldfield to be precise,I am traumatised and phycologically and emotionally damaged from various issues that has gone on in my life ever since I was in my early teens and I have NEVER had any kind of help support or counciling for it all.I have also had A LOT OF REJECTION in my life throughout my life,i have Never been able to make friends,i can remember my father saying about fifty years ago I will always be an Outcast,he's right,i have been.
My father whom I do love inspite of the way he treated me,( he's dead now)was verbally,mentally & emotionally & physically abusive towards me & I don't remember my mother intervening could be she was afraid to.This all made me very unhappy & I didn't feel loved,my parents seemed to love my brother more than me,he couldn't do anything wrong in their eyes and I could never do anything right.I began to resent this and it all caused me to play my parents up and cheek them and I would be spiteful towards my then kid brother who now is 60 years old and he wont have anything to do with me,not his wife.And id give my parents a hard time,all because I was so unhappy & over the years my father got more violent tempered towards me due to all the trouble I caused cause I felt so rejected and unhappy.
Dad I remember would keep on at me all the time moaning at me,putting me down,saying horrid things to me,shouting at me hitting me and even at the meal table eating our meals he would be picking on me for everything moaning about how I held my knife and fork,how I was gobbling my food etc and I was a nervous wreck around my him and over the years I became more and more afraid of my father And of all men in general,thinking all men were like this,they would hit me and should at me and put me down etc.
Mom and dad even forced me at 24 to marriage with a man I never loved cause they wanted to get rid of me..i didn't dare tell them I didn't want to go through with it and went through with the wedding as I was too scared to back out incase my father gave me a good beating.
Many a time dad would tell me many a time how he found it hard to stop himself from beating me so much id end up hospitalised and how he found it hard to stop himself from killing me.I Think my mom was too afraid to intervene and come to my aid.I was terrified of my father and of All men.I can remember my dad also telling me he couldn't show affection,he'd had an unhappy childhood and was never loved by his parents so maybe he was damaged himself by this.
I have chose to forgive dad but I should have had counciling but I never and I think why I'm like I am now is due to this.
I had a violent loveless marriage which I suffered for 25 years..i never told mom and dad about it I kept it to myself..my husband forced me into having a child when I didn't want one as ive never been maternal and didn't one anyway in such an unhappy marriage.
I developed a real fear of sex and a hatred to it also.
I have been divorced now 17 years I had to get out quick when he tried to stab me and my son I had 25 years of violence and was too frightened to get out and leave and I couldn't have gone back to my parents.
I love my son even though I do feel regrets that I had him..he has some learning disabilities and I think some slight autism,he's in his thirtys now and lives with me.I have had A LOT of trouble with my son And this friend of his called Matt and resentment has built up over the years,my health both physically emotionally and mentally has gone from bad to worse cause of all the ongoing stress and troubles with my son.He has also hit me a few times if ive told him off a few times so its left me afraid to put my foot down with him incase he gets angry and hits me again.
I suffer with mental health issues including severe depression and I'm constantly stressed and barely sleep.
I have never been able to discuss all my issues with my mom & dad( dad is dead now) as they just didn't wish to discuss things or want to know so ive had to bottle up everything throughout my life and I cannot make friends so my dad was quite correct when he used to say that I will always be an outcast.
My Mother thankfully is still alive and in her 90's and I get on well with her now since dad is no longer around.
I think my dad hated me..he would never let me go over to see him and mom more than ONCE every six to eight weeks,he just didn't want me there,and it wasn't any pleasure going over to see them anyway cause he'd keep moaning on and on at me and by the time I left and got home i'd be crying myself to sleep.He made me feel so rejected,but since he passed away after four years of ill health three years ago mom has been showing me plenty of love in many ways and has been helping me out a lot in different ways by buying me stuff for my home cause I have problems with money so have never got money to buy furniture clothing or anything cause I cant stop frittering my money away.
I suffer badly with my nerves,i jump at the slightest noise,im a nervous wreck I cant cope with loud bangs,like fireworks or loud thunder or anything.I am a deeply unhappy depressed person who should but hasn't had any counciling for what ive been through.
I love my mother deeply and I shall be in bits when I eventually lose her.I can now go over to visit her whenever I want cause when dad was there I couldn't go over to see them more than once every six to eight weeks.
I also love my son dearly but I feel a lot of bottled up anger and resentment towards him as I didn't plan on having any children cause I knew I wouldn't make a good mother and also because of the way he has caused me a lot of extra worry and stress etc.I don't think my son loves me,he has no respect for me whatsoever and he and this friend of his walk all over me and just do as they like,they wont listen or take any notice of me,they'll brings girls here against my wishes to have sex with,smoke drugs and keep me awake all night with awful and loud rock and metal music and the stress has really taken its toll on me and I have had several breakdowns over the years and my mental health has got worse and worse.
Many a time I have felt like ending my life but I have a fear of death and dying and that is what has stopped me doing it.
So you see I haven't had a very nice life and ive never had counciling of any kind and everytime I think about all these above mentioned issues I'm in floods of tears and cant stop sobbing for hours on end.I'm 65 now and my health is getting worse all the time and I cant stop comfort eating and am grossly overweight and unfit and I know this upsets and worries my mother but I'm powerless to do anything about my weight even though id like to..i just keep eating all the time.
I'm on State Pension now I'm a pensioner,i have no money in savings in my bank and I'm on a very low minimum state pension and I have to keep myself and my son on that as he wont pay me anything towards his keep.I struggle to pay my household bills and put food on the table for us.I cant afford proper meals,havent eaten meat,fish fruit or veg in years,cant afford clothing or footwear or holidays and I have a severe spending problem..i cant stop spending money I don't have and cant afford and keep getting into debt.Christians Against Poverty have helped me out of debt before and I have now got back into debt due to taking out a mobile(cell phone) contract which I'm in no position to afford and I keep wanting for Material things like stereos,cds,dvds etc which I cant afford and big screen TV's and other luxurys and I DONT have the money for any of these luxury items as a pensioner of 65 on a basic pension,but I just cant help myself wanting these things and then I realise ive spent all my pension money by the day after ive received it because of my reckless spending and I don't have enough money for food or my bills to last us till my next fortnights state pension payment.
I have in the past been forced to sell all my luxurys,the stereo,Radio/cd,cd collections,dvds and my mobile phones but before long I'm there again buying them all over again.Its getting me down I have no control over my spending or wanting these things,and at the age of 65 I shouldn't be wanting things like music cds and stereo equipment and mobile phones anyway.
I have been doing this ever since I moved into this flat with my son 17 years back since my divorce..i keep buying all these things only to be forced to sell it all to eat,only togo out and buy them all again...I have kept on buying these things,getting rid of them again and buying them back,getting rid of again,buying them again etc repeatedly throughout the years..i cant help myself...I must have serious mental illness.I have now gone cold turkey and am trying to fight this mental illness so I have again sold the big screen tv and are using an old small screen one,sold my cd & dvd collections,and sold the stereos and cd/radio.I cant afford these kinds of things..i cant keep up buying cds as a pensioner.Ive now dropped out of yet another Smartphone contract id only had three months and they've sent a final bill with cancelation fees of £600 which will have to go to Christians Against Poverty to deal with,and all i'm allowing myself to have for entertainment is a tv and a portable DAB Radio,with no cd deck on it and ive Got to be very firm with myself now as both myself and my son are sick and tired of having no money to eat or pay our household bills because ive gone and spent All my fortnightly State pension on the day its been paid into my bank.It then means we have to go hungry for two weeks till my next pension day but its always gone by the end of the day.
I cant afford to go out anywhere,except on the days I go to see mom,i cant buy clothes,have holidays or anything,i have no money for Anything because of my reckless distructive out of control spending and I have got to fight this problem,i have got to stop this spending,but its going to be easier said than done.I am so Materialistic wanting Things and Possessions that are things a teenager would want,not a woman of 65.It is obvious I have serious mental health issues and it isn't any wonder why I simply cannot become a Born Again Christian.
I think its all due to all the things that have gone on throughout my whole life & my never having any kind of counciling.Its all had a detrimental effect on me And I think as well as mental health problems satan has really got his clutches into me.
I also have anger issues and regretedly done some terrible things in the past.
Is there any kind of hope for me? cause I don't think as I have too much baggage in my life.
Let me start by saying I am a 65 year old lady living in the uk,near Sutton Coldfield to be precise,I am traumatised and phycologically and emotionally damaged from various issues that has gone on in my life ever since I was in my early teens and I have NEVER had any kind of help support or counciling for it all.I have also had A LOT OF REJECTION in my life throughout my life,i have Never been able to make friends,i can remember my father saying about fifty years ago I will always be an Outcast,he's right,i have been.
My father whom I do love inspite of the way he treated me,( he's dead now)was verbally,mentally & emotionally & physically abusive towards me & I don't remember my mother intervening could be she was afraid to.This all made me very unhappy & I didn't feel loved,my parents seemed to love my brother more than me,he couldn't do anything wrong in their eyes and I could never do anything right.I began to resent this and it all caused me to play my parents up and cheek them and I would be spiteful towards my then kid brother who now is 60 years old and he wont have anything to do with me,not his wife.And id give my parents a hard time,all because I was so unhappy & over the years my father got more violent tempered towards me due to all the trouble I caused cause I felt so rejected and unhappy.
Dad I remember would keep on at me all the time moaning at me,putting me down,saying horrid things to me,shouting at me hitting me and even at the meal table eating our meals he would be picking on me for everything moaning about how I held my knife and fork,how I was gobbling my food etc and I was a nervous wreck around my him and over the years I became more and more afraid of my father And of all men in general,thinking all men were like this,they would hit me and should at me and put me down etc.
Mom and dad even forced me at 24 to marriage with a man I never loved cause they wanted to get rid of me..i didn't dare tell them I didn't want to go through with it and went through with the wedding as I was too scared to back out incase my father gave me a good beating.
Many a time dad would tell me many a time how he found it hard to stop himself from beating me so much id end up hospitalised and how he found it hard to stop himself from killing me.I Think my mom was too afraid to intervene and come to my aid.I was terrified of my father and of All men.I can remember my dad also telling me he couldn't show affection,he'd had an unhappy childhood and was never loved by his parents so maybe he was damaged himself by this.
I have chose to forgive dad but I should have had counciling but I never and I think why I'm like I am now is due to this.
I had a violent loveless marriage which I suffered for 25 years..i never told mom and dad about it I kept it to myself..my husband forced me into having a child when I didn't want one as ive never been maternal and didn't one anyway in such an unhappy marriage.
I developed a real fear of sex and a hatred to it also.
I have been divorced now 17 years I had to get out quick when he tried to stab me and my son I had 25 years of violence and was too frightened to get out and leave and I couldn't have gone back to my parents.
I love my son even though I do feel regrets that I had him..he has some learning disabilities and I think some slight autism,he's in his thirtys now and lives with me.I have had A LOT of trouble with my son And this friend of his called Matt and resentment has built up over the years,my health both physically emotionally and mentally has gone from bad to worse cause of all the ongoing stress and troubles with my son.He has also hit me a few times if ive told him off a few times so its left me afraid to put my foot down with him incase he gets angry and hits me again.
I suffer with mental health issues including severe depression and I'm constantly stressed and barely sleep.
I have never been able to discuss all my issues with my mom & dad( dad is dead now) as they just didn't wish to discuss things or want to know so ive had to bottle up everything throughout my life and I cannot make friends so my dad was quite correct when he used to say that I will always be an outcast.
My Mother thankfully is still alive and in her 90's and I get on well with her now since dad is no longer around.
I think my dad hated me..he would never let me go over to see him and mom more than ONCE every six to eight weeks,he just didn't want me there,and it wasn't any pleasure going over to see them anyway cause he'd keep moaning on and on at me and by the time I left and got home i'd be crying myself to sleep.He made me feel so rejected,but since he passed away after four years of ill health three years ago mom has been showing me plenty of love in many ways and has been helping me out a lot in different ways by buying me stuff for my home cause I have problems with money so have never got money to buy furniture clothing or anything cause I cant stop frittering my money away.
I suffer badly with my nerves,i jump at the slightest noise,im a nervous wreck I cant cope with loud bangs,like fireworks or loud thunder or anything.I am a deeply unhappy depressed person who should but hasn't had any counciling for what ive been through.
I love my mother deeply and I shall be in bits when I eventually lose her.I can now go over to visit her whenever I want cause when dad was there I couldn't go over to see them more than once every six to eight weeks.
I also love my son dearly but I feel a lot of bottled up anger and resentment towards him as I didn't plan on having any children cause I knew I wouldn't make a good mother and also because of the way he has caused me a lot of extra worry and stress etc.I don't think my son loves me,he has no respect for me whatsoever and he and this friend of his walk all over me and just do as they like,they wont listen or take any notice of me,they'll brings girls here against my wishes to have sex with,smoke drugs and keep me awake all night with awful and loud rock and metal music and the stress has really taken its toll on me and I have had several breakdowns over the years and my mental health has got worse and worse.
Many a time I have felt like ending my life but I have a fear of death and dying and that is what has stopped me doing it.
So you see I haven't had a very nice life and ive never had counciling of any kind and everytime I think about all these above mentioned issues I'm in floods of tears and cant stop sobbing for hours on end.I'm 65 now and my health is getting worse all the time and I cant stop comfort eating and am grossly overweight and unfit and I know this upsets and worries my mother but I'm powerless to do anything about my weight even though id like to..i just keep eating all the time.
I'm on State Pension now I'm a pensioner,i have no money in savings in my bank and I'm on a very low minimum state pension and I have to keep myself and my son on that as he wont pay me anything towards his keep.I struggle to pay my household bills and put food on the table for us.I cant afford proper meals,havent eaten meat,fish fruit or veg in years,cant afford clothing or footwear or holidays and I have a severe spending problem..i cant stop spending money I don't have and cant afford and keep getting into debt.Christians Against Poverty have helped me out of debt before and I have now got back into debt due to taking out a mobile(cell phone) contract which I'm in no position to afford and I keep wanting for Material things like stereos,cds,dvds etc which I cant afford and big screen TV's and other luxurys and I DONT have the money for any of these luxury items as a pensioner of 65 on a basic pension,but I just cant help myself wanting these things and then I realise ive spent all my pension money by the day after ive received it because of my reckless spending and I don't have enough money for food or my bills to last us till my next fortnights state pension payment.
I have in the past been forced to sell all my luxurys,the stereo,Radio/cd,cd collections,dvds and my mobile phones but before long I'm there again buying them all over again.Its getting me down I have no control over my spending or wanting these things,and at the age of 65 I shouldn't be wanting things like music cds and stereo equipment and mobile phones anyway.
I have been doing this ever since I moved into this flat with my son 17 years back since my divorce..i keep buying all these things only to be forced to sell it all to eat,only togo out and buy them all again...I have kept on buying these things,getting rid of them again and buying them back,getting rid of again,buying them again etc repeatedly throughout the years..i cant help myself...I must have serious mental illness.I have now gone cold turkey and am trying to fight this mental illness so I have again sold the big screen tv and are using an old small screen one,sold my cd & dvd collections,and sold the stereos and cd/radio.I cant afford these kinds of things..i cant keep up buying cds as a pensioner.Ive now dropped out of yet another Smartphone contract id only had three months and they've sent a final bill with cancelation fees of £600 which will have to go to Christians Against Poverty to deal with,and all i'm allowing myself to have for entertainment is a tv and a portable DAB Radio,with no cd deck on it and ive Got to be very firm with myself now as both myself and my son are sick and tired of having no money to eat or pay our household bills because ive gone and spent All my fortnightly State pension on the day its been paid into my bank.It then means we have to go hungry for two weeks till my next pension day but its always gone by the end of the day.
I cant afford to go out anywhere,except on the days I go to see mom,i cant buy clothes,have holidays or anything,i have no money for Anything because of my reckless distructive out of control spending and I have got to fight this problem,i have got to stop this spending,but its going to be easier said than done.I am so Materialistic wanting Things and Possessions that are things a teenager would want,not a woman of 65.It is obvious I have serious mental health issues and it isn't any wonder why I simply cannot become a Born Again Christian.
I think its all due to all the things that have gone on throughout my whole life & my never having any kind of counciling.Its all had a detrimental effect on me And I think as well as mental health problems satan has really got his clutches into me.
I also have anger issues and regretedly done some terrible things in the past.
Is there any kind of hope for me? cause I don't think as I have too much baggage in my life.
