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Struggling to Respect My Husband To be...

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by Kayla Karenina, Sep 22, 2019.

  1. Kayla Karenina

    Kayla Karenina New Member

    11
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    Hong Kong
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Hi Everyone,

    I just got engaged few months ago and is getting married next year.
    My fiance and I are both a Christian and come from the Christian family.
    We both are seeking for the pre-marriage course from our church, but the counselling course will only be available few months prior to the wedding as part of the church's normal practice.

    Recently I have been struggling to respect my fiance and start to get scared what if I can't respect or submit to him once we get married later. The reasons behind this are mostly because I feel more superior than my fiance because of my spiritual growth, role of leadership at church, my independence and also comparing myself or other men to my fiance.
    I know this is really wrong to do, but sometimes it is just really hard and make me wonder how to submit to my future husband when I'm doubting his capability of spiritual leadership etc. and thinking that I'm always more superior than him. Even worse is that when I compare him to other men at church who has more capability in spiritual leadership and other aspects in life that sometimes make me wondering around.

    To make it worst, last week my best friend just called off her own wedding just few months before the wedding, which just make me more nervous and worried if that happens to me and my fiance as well.
    I know that making comparison is toxic, but sometimes I also just wondering around how do we know that your man is really the one from God and he is the one that you intend to marry to?

    Appreciate your valuable advice and prayer for me on this.

    God bless.
     
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  2. Ghostjunkie

    Ghostjunkie Member

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    1 Corinthians 14 . If you hold yourself in leadership in Church and feel you are superior to your husband, then you are in defiance of God's designed purpose.
     
  3. timothyu

    timothyu Well-Known Member

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    You have a best friend. Would you have this problem with her? If your husband to be is not a best friend why are you marrying him?
     
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  4. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    OP, you posted this thread in Mental Health & Recovery. Is there a mental illness at play in this question?
     
  5. maintenance man

    maintenance man Well-Known Member Supporter

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    There must be a list of reasons you decided to marry this man. Start there. Are those godly reasons? Do you feel God's hand in your relationship? I understand your concerns. This is an enormous commitment. It's a lifetime commitment. You want to get it right. The truth is marriage is a process not a completed transaction. If you love this man you will help him grow and discover the talents he has not yet fully realized. You are not buying a machine for which you have a money back guarantee. You are entering into a contract between you, your husband, and God. If you all work together everything will come to pass precisely as God intends.
     
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  6. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    " How to learn to respect him more as my future husband to be when I'm a very independent, strong in leadership, and a quite dominant woman in general (due to my upbringing and life background)?
    On the other hand, he is a very patient and quite introvert man..."

    quoting you from your other thread ^




    as someone who is married to a patient, intoverted man-
    he is quite capable of leading but you must learn to be quieter & listen to him (even if you're a leader in your job)

    if you were to marry someone more like you, there would end up being conflicts as you would both be competing with each other

    don't think of yourself as superior to him but appreciate his strengths instead

    my husband's patience is a great quality as a parent & husband
    if you plan to have children, each of your strengths contribute in raising a child
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
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  7. gradyll

    gradyll In the grip of grace

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    if you are having doubts, then that is the Holy Spirit putting a conviction on your heart to find a more Godly person to court. I met my wife at college youth group, we were both serving at the church, we were and still are equally yolked. But many couples struggle with religion because either one of them is an unbeliever, or of a different religion, or of a weaker type of Christian. If you are on fire and serving at a church I recommend you find another on fire believer that is also serving. I know that is not what you want to hear, but please hear me out on this... The great thing about a courtship, is that you can always break it off and it's not a divorce. My daughter was seeing a guy from youth group and we wouldn't allow them to date, because she was only thirteen and fourteen at the time. The boy ended up leaving the church in last six months, and won't let anyone know why. I feel they view the church did something wrong, but still that is no reason to leave a church. I don't know the situation but I am glad that we didn't allow her to date the boy. For all we know she would have left the church with them. But now she teaches a sunday school class, and is in a group called "youth discipleship" in her high school group. That is the youth leaders of the high school group. Anyway, it's good that you are seeking advice, but my recommendation is to pray about it. Your husband should be the loving initiator of all things spiritual. That means that He should be the one starting the conversations about God, and He should be the one starting prayer in the family, and Bible study. He should be the first person praying about a situation. That is what a head does. I exhort myself here, it's a tall order. But God has a man like that for everyone who desires. But first we must seek the Lord with all of our heart. Repent of any known sin, and follow Him with all of our hearts and He will provide such a person. If we are simply looking around and not looking up, we will miss the person the Lord has for us. I have been married for sixteen years and it's been the best sixteen years (not that long). It's been very hard because we have an autistic son (medium functioning), but if I settled for someone else years ago, most likely my son would not have the strong, Godly mother that He has, and I would be stretched thin with some inexperienced, ungodly, or all together irreverent person in our household. Causing fights over spiritual matters, etc. Yes, by all means wait it out. Marriage has been said to be the most important decision you will ever make, second only to coming to Christ. Wait for the Lord to bring that person strong enough to bring Jesus to the family. A pastor that is doing premarital counseling will probably know both of you and will not mention what I am mentioning, they will feel bad for your significant other and avoid the conflict. But this is exactly what you need to hear. See, you mention a lack of respect for your significant other, respect is one of the things that most men I know want. So if you can't respect him over spiritual things, most likely that is not the person God has for you. A relationship with no respect is not a relationship. I know that others have mentioned how they deal with not having respect for their husbands, but here you have a choice, you can find someone you do respect, they however are sealed by marriage, their choice is made. I watch a lot of marriage videos because I still want to learn better communication, and all of the marriage videos's I have seen recommend the wife to have a strong respect for her husband. So this to me is a huge red flag.

    If you will not break it off, at least do this....I recommend getting a christian premarriage workbook and doing the lessons, this will allow you to politely reveal to your significant other that this is not working out. As you do the lessons on God and you review the different answers, you can have documentation into how your spiritual lives are different. We used a great one, I will get the name of it tomorrow. It's packed away.

    praying for your situation, and that you make a decision that God wants you to make.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
  8. Kayla Karenina

    Kayla Karenina New Member

    11
    +14
    Hong Kong
    Christian
    In Relationship

    thank you so much for your valuable sharing and advice, really appreciate it.. :)
     
  9. WESTOZZIE

    WESTOZZIE Active Member Supporter

    399
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    Old and New Covenant Marriage
    I hear your problem and recommend this small book by Dr Stephen Jones....

    God's Kingdom Ministries :: Old and New Covenant Marriage

    "The divine law recognizes two kinds of marriage relationships. These are best illustrated by Hagar and Sarah, who were Abraham's wives. The Apostle Paul sets forth these two women in Gal. 4, saying that they represent the two (marriage) covenants. This book is no doubt the first of its kind in that it challenges many traditional views about marriage and sets forth the ideal marriage to be based upon the New Covenant."
     
  10. Kayla Karenina

    Kayla Karenina New Member

    11
    +14
    Hong Kong
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Thank you for everyone's input and advice here.

    I got some counseling with a very closed and trusted older Christian married couple yesterday, I can finally realized and admitted that it is my problem to be too prideful in which making myself to always see my strength and look down on others.

    Respecting someone or not is a matter of choice and I humbly want to learn to submit to God in obeying Him to respect my fiance more (as my future husband to be), to see his strengths that complement me while encouraging and supporting him as well that we both can learn to be more like Christ.

    It's a journey, thanks to those wise advise that help me to look into my own blind spot as well.

    God bless
     
  11. AWorkInProgress

    AWorkInProgress A fool becoming wise

    +189
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    Congrats Kayla!

    Marriage is a big step. It's a beautiful institution that has become pretty degraded these days. Thankful some marriages make it and we have people we can look up to about it.

    I totally recommend counseling and pre-marriage courses as long as they are sound teaching. Marriage is a relationship between God, your fiance, and you. It is good to learn how to work out issues in the beginning and be honest with both of your short comings. If you can't learn how to work out issues, then it is only a matter of time you both become numb to each other. Which lays the ground work for some dark stuff to happen.

    I am proud of you that you humbled yourself to ask for help with this! It is a healthy step in the right way to resolve issues.

    My passion is to see the Lord help guide you and give you peace with what is to come. These are the things that got my attention while reading your post. I really hope it helps you.

    It seems the man you choose to potentially spend the rest of your life with doesn't meet your standards or expectations. Realistically he will never will. Be honest it sounds like an insecurity or a mistrust of those with authority over you. Someone you trusted could have misused their authority and now you struggle to let anyone else have control.


    This is your life and you are at a critical moment in it. You can not compare it to your friend's, because her situation is her situation. She had to do what she had to do. I encourage you to do the same, stay focus on what is important and let it play out whatever way it is going to play out.

    If I met my wife when we were in high school or something like that, or even in our 20s. Our marriage would have never have worked. Our situation required that we go thru pain to learn what is gold in a person, and what is false gold. Instead of giving my heart away, the Lord had to teach me to wait till he helped me to know which is the one, and still not race into it. The Lord revealed I was the guy that was totally different from all the rest of the men she been in relationships with before. Debra is my best friend.

    The Lord revealed it to me that she was humble. And I paid a price to start a new life with the woman I love. We been thru many trials after we got together. My 'multi-tasking control freak' wife became sick, and I the 'cowardly boy' had to step up. My weakenesses were very much exposed, and the grace of God got us thru it all quite literally. My wife learned to let go of control.. for the most part lol

    If your fiance is your best friend, love him for who he is, not what he could be. If he is not mature enough or there are concerns, talk about them now. Don't be in a rush to get married. If you truly love each other with the love that the Lord gave you, then you both will wait and work it out. If he truly loves you, he will pay a price to keep you. I don't mean money, but a sacrifice of some sort.

    Scriptures point to Christ for his love and marriage to come with His Bride, the church which is made up of sinners/imperfect beings. Look to his example, His instituion, and learn why God so desired and designed it so. Seek his face in this, and I pray it gives you peace that only God gives.
     
  12. gradyll

    gradyll In the grip of grace

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    duplicate
     
  13. gradyll

    gradyll In the grip of grace

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    I asked my wife about this situation and she instantly saw it as a matter of being unequally yoked. Just because someone is cute is not a good enough reason to spend the rest of your life with them. Believe me. But most will follow feelings over what faith dictates, it's a common problem. I like my wifes input because she is very godly, and also very intelligent. She ran a vacation Bible school at our church of over 500 kids (like a small elementary school), she was also on staff in childrens ministry. I didn't even mention the term unequally yoked, but that was the term she used when I described this situation. To me that is a separate confirmation of the fact that this is in fact a situation of unequally yoked. I know the tendency is to ask your local church where you attend, but I would try to ask a pastor that does not know the two of you. That would be more accurate. Anyway this is a common problem in the church. Young people settling for God's second best or third best. Instead of God's number one perfect match for us.

    this is a good video on it,

    "real talk. often, the most destructive set back in following Jesus is dating someone, who cares little about Him... maybe, there needs to be some breakups for the glory of God."- shane pruit in a video from earlier today....click below link to watch 1 .5 minute quick video on this problem in the church...
    Shane Pruitt on Twitter
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
  14. bmjackson

    bmjackson Newbie

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    When in doubt put things on hold.
     
  15. gradyll

    gradyll In the grip of grace

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    she's already made up her mind,

    It hurts me to see people do this, so I am unsubscribing.

    maybe she will listen to you.
     
  16. bmjackson

    bmjackson Newbie

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    You should have listened to your gut first. Anyway, a delay is in order due to the previous doubts and possibility of being influenced.
     
  17. timothyu

    timothyu Well-Known Member

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    That is being more like being told to fall in line with church authourity and then mirrored on the advice of followers to likewise fall in line with a mate. Either way you are being told to know your place in the hierarchy of man, not God. To be like Jesus is to do the will of the Father, not some church. The Father has your best interest in heart while churches tend to be looking out for their own best interests first. It is how they survive. But wishing you the best.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
  18. AWorkInProgress

    AWorkInProgress A fool becoming wise

    +189
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    Awesome!! I am so happy for you both!!

    Sanctification is a life long process till we leave this earth. That means you and your husband to be will make many mistakes and face many challenges together, but as long as God is with you both. You will both grow and mature together, becoming more united as a couple.

    I always looked at is as we are a cord of three, which is not so easily broken. If I snap and she snaps, the Lord holds us together. There have been many nights where I had go for a walk away and ask God 'what just happened?!?!?'. I had to give it to God and be open I might have did something I didn't know. After the anger settles, we come back together, work it out, and we are stronger for it. I hope your marriage becomes the same.
     
  19. Kayla Karenina

    Kayla Karenina New Member

    11
    +14
    Hong Kong
    Christian
    In Relationship

    Thank you so much for your kind words and encouraging sharing.
    Totally agree with it, I'm glad God brings me back to Him by reminding me my own blind spot through fellow believers around me :)
     
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  20. Kayla Karenina

    Kayla Karenina New Member

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    [UPDATE]

    Just want to share again here as an update :)

    After some counseling (with a trusted and godly married couple), prayer, and honest talk time with my fiance, we both grow stronger than before.
    I'm amazed that when I humble myself in God and to my fiance, God really provides a way and refines both of us.
    I finally realized that it is actually me who is self-righteous and prideful, while demanding lots of changes from my fiance and lack of appreciation to him.

    Thankful that God opened my eyes, brought me back to repentance and restored my relationship with my fiance into a stronger one.

    Thank you to those giving valuable, wise, and godly advice here too.

    God bless
     
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