The trial that involves evil thoughts are from Satan. I suffered just over 2 years of it. The evil thoughts always against God, actually started in the mid 1960s but they were only one or two once in a while. I remember reading a magazine which contained classified ads, a book about “evil negative thoughts”. I remember thinking “oh, that’s what I get”. At that time, I prayed asking God to “Disregard the thoughts”. I didn’t have them much for a few years after untill the late 70s and they were a little bit more frequent but still just once in a while. I prayed the same way telling God I don’t know why I would suddenly think the opposite of what I wanted.
In 1985, I had an argument with my brother when he said my dad had been a deserter from the army although he went back. I was mad and said very foolishly, that “even if Jesus was standing here, I wouldn’t believe him saying that”. Well, that was the last of any words I heard my brother saying, because I felt really hot and terrified at what I’d said.
Our local church had a new minister around that time and my older brother said he was a bit aggressive, so I did not want to be shouted at, but desperately needed to ask someone what to do. I remembered a church in a town about 3 miles way and I went there. It had a female minister who just weakly told me to say sorry. I didn’t feel her advice was any good to me so I went walked back home and went to a Roman Catholic Chapel. The priest wasn’t there so I had no choice but to go to the “scary minister”. He gave me a prayer written about Jesus on the cross and dying for me and I repented using that prayer. Now, the terror I felt was intense! I managed to get some sleep and next day, I felt so much better. The terror was away. When at work, I was delivering fruit and veg to a girl at her dept in the supermarket and she surprised me by saying “ oh you usually say so much swear words, but you haven’t said one just then!”. I didn’t even notice until she said that.
A few weeks later, the thoughts came back, but this time they were thick and fast mostly saying the words “curse god” over and over. This was terrifying. It started in that little space of time in the morning just as you are aware of being awake, but before you open your eyes. It only ended as I fell asleep. Every day, constantly this occurred. I had to have conversations with people and answer against these thoughts.
Then one day, not long after, my brother came from the attic saying “look, here’s an old book dad had, by that guy who wrote Pilgrim’s Progress” the book is called “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners”. In this book John Bunyan writes about the same kind of satanic attack I was having. It made it more bearable knowing they weren’t from me. About a year and a half later, I was in the bus to work and I prayed for two weeks rest from this trial because I reckoned God had His reason for allowing this. I got my 2 weeks rest and it was amazing! My mind was completely quiet! It felt so so good. They went away after a little over 2 years. Any time thoughts of that kind occurred after that has been few and far between and very mild in comparison so I can easily cope.
I have had other strange trials. One frightening one was compulsions to do things like touch my male boss inappropriately. Another compulsive temptation was when I was at the top of the Scott’s monument in Edinburgh Prince’s Street Gardens. I had a temptation to throw myself off! These compulsions feel like your body will do the thing whether you resist or not but it never happens. I re-read John Bunyan’s book where he recounts a time when he was in his pulpit and felt that his mouth was going to utter things completely against the gospel on its own. Feeling that there’s just a second until your body carries these things out with or without your permission, is frightening. Another compulsive feeling was that I might stab my wife half way through an ordinary pleasant enough conversation in the kitchen! Horrible things. These things are few and far between now and very much weaker and not worrying.
Here is something written by John Newton that I found about a year ago, which may be of help to someone.
I asked the Lord that I might grow
VERSE 1
I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and ev’ry grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.
VERSE 2
‘Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer,
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair.
VERSE 3
I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He’d answer my request
And, by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.
VERSE 4
Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in ev’ry part.
VERSE 5
Yea, more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe,
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Humbled my heart and laid me low.
VERSE 6
“Lord, why is this,” I trembling cried;
“Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?”
“’Tis in this way,” the Lord replied,
“I answer prayer for grace and faith.”
VERSE 7
“These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou may’st find thine all in Me.”
To anyone going through these things, God Bless you, you are in famous Christian’s company.
People like John Bunyan, John Newton, Martin Luther, Charles Haddon Spurgeon and by the way he was talking about attacks by the devil, I think Dr.Martyn Lloyd Jones has experienced these kinds of inward trials too. These are the ones I know of so far.
