Struggling Marriage, Pleased Help

[Ri-in-need]

Hello Community, I’m new here and I am seeking to hopefully find some help.

My wife and I have been married for a year and a half, but we dated for about 5 – 6 years before we married each other. We have had many great struggles within our dating and married life together, but seem to always overcome them together.

We need to move by March of this year, so we have been looking for a new home for the past few months. At first we were looking for places to rent around were we currently live (UT), but 3 days ago my wife decided that she was going to move to Arizona were her mom and family live. I also am not a really big fan of change, especially fast sudden changes like this one.

My wife has lived back and forth in between Utah and Arizona for all her life, so she also has extended family that lives around us in UT as well. I have lived in UT all of my life, the majority of my family lives here, and I absolutely love where a live. This is not to say that I would not be opposed to moving out of state latter on in life when we are move financially stable and further along in our marriage.

The new of her was a very big shock to me, and I really do not want to move down to AZ at this point in time. We have made pros and cons list multiple times and they are exactly the opposite of each other, so we cannot agree. She has since said given me an ultimatum that either we can either move together to AZ or that she is going to go leave to AZ on her own, and wanting a divorce.

My wife as just graduated with her bachelors, so she says she is not “tied down” here anymore, so she is ready to leave. But I am still currently going to school here. I could transfer schools down to AZ, but I really like my campus I am going to currently, and there would be a greatly likely hood of me losing a $10,000 scholarship. I also really like my job that I currently work at, and I am very likely to now receive a promotion that I have been waiting forever for soon, which I would be very sad to leave.

My family where we live now is very helpful, and always willing to help us in every which and way, but I would hesitate to say that her family in AZ would be as helpful and supportive as my family has been, (due to past incidences.)

My wife struggles with a lot of depression, but refuses to try counseling and take medication for it. She says that moving closer to family will fix the problem, but her and her family has not always gotten along when she was younger in the past.

Another big reason I would like to stay is that I have had, and still have a lot of health issues, so I would be leaving all of my trusted doctors I have currently. And the insurance I’m currently under with my parents would be not good anywhere other than here because my dad works for the state. We have been blessed to have the support from my parents with all of my health issues and medication bills because that would be very costly if we had to pay and if we didn’t have their issuance, we cannot afford much right now.

Also both of us do not really like the incredibly hot dry weather of AZ, which is really hard for me, because I like having all 4 seasons and being able to go outside.

I also don’t think she knows how much harder is will be to move all of our stuff a state away rather than just a city away.

One good thing about moving down there would be that rent and housing is a bit less expensive than it is up here. Another would be possibly a fresher new start on life.

We have no jobs or housing lined up yet.

I have tried to compromise by suggesting that we let me finish my schooling here (I only have around a year and a half left.) and then moving down to Arizona. That way we can also plan better for the move and everything. But she is totally against is, and says she cannot wait, and is implying that she is giving her current job her two weeks’ notice tomorrow, and moving down ASAP. She will not compromise at all.

I really feel like we should stay here for the time being.

I have caused a lot of struggles and heartache before and within our marriage, and it has been very hard for her during it all. I am undoubtedly sorry for everything, and most certainly blessed to have her by my side still, and I will be forever grateful.

I love my wife so very much, she means everything to me.

But, it really hurts me that she would make such a quick rash decision like this.


If anyone can please help me with this problem, thank you!

 

[ValleyGal]

The problem is not the move; there are deeper marriage issues. There is a reason she is adamant about moving now rather than waiting till you finish school. She stayed there till she finished, so why wouldn't she afford you the same opportunity to finish? Also, you say your wife means everything to you, but you are struggling with moving. If she means everything to you, then you will give up everything for her sake. The same goes for her. If you mean everything to her, then she will not put moving closer to her family above you on her priority scale. That is not to say you should move. Maybe you could stay put, she could move, and then you can join her after you graduate.

If I were you, I'd find out what's really going on - moving is a symptom of the real problem.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I agree with ValleyGal: the move isn't the real issue here, but a symptom of the real issue. You two are obviously not on the same page communication-wise, or even the same book. Do you know why you two are so far apart?

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I will pray for you both and your marriage, that you will find out where God wants you
Dear Father, that these two lovely people will be joined together with strong ties of love, and grant them the rich experience of knowing you with real certainty and clear understanding, in Jesus name.

 

[SAAN]

Sounds like you really love your wife and want everything to work out, but Your wife is selfish and self centered. A woman is supposed to follow the mans lead and trust him, assuming he has the best intention for the marriage. If she is willing to leave you because you dont want to up and move to another state, she is showing her true colors.

-Wants to be around her family
-Quitting her job and just giving up everything
-Doesnt care if you finish school
-Doesnt care about your health concerns, while not realizing health issues can bankrupt a couple

You as a man are the leader and provider, so if your wife doesnt care that you still have a year to finish school and that you have a good job that provides for the both of you while you finish, she is very self centered and will find something else to leave you about in the future. If she is willing to end your marriage over the place to live and doesnt care about your situation and how it will affect you, she is showing a huge red flag that she isnt in this for the long run.

I guarantee alot of her decision is coming from input of her family or someone else when she is being this aggressive with all her decisions. I really hope you too can work it out as you have been together for 6-7yrs. Pray with her and ask God to guide your steps and just prays she has a open heart as well.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I would say that your wife is obligated to run such things by you, and at least let you have some say in where your life as a couple is spent.

If she does leave for Arizona, Sir, you could join her there, but I don't think a new city or state will change things all that much. She needs to deal with her emotional problems and let you into her life emotionally, as a friend, and her husband.

Do the two of you have a Pastor you could talk to, either alone or as a couple?

 

[faroukfarouk]

It's not about money.

Instead, talk.

Pray and read the Bible together daily.

 

[faroukfarouk]

If she is willing to end your marriage over the place to live and doesnt care about your situation and how it will affect you, she is showing a huge red flag that she isnt in this for the long run.

The OP does not seem to have even mentioned divorce, so why do you do so?

Remember: the opening verses of Romans 7 show that divorce so often leads to an adultery, so it's rather premature.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I agree with ValleyGal: the move isn't the real issue here, but a symptom of the real issue. You two are obviously not on the same page communication-wise, or even the same book. Do you know why you two are so far apart?

In some circumstances - military deployment, etc., - couples may have to spend weeks away from each other; getting a season ticket with Greyhound buses, etc. or whatever.

I don't think even here that this is the real issue, though.

You are right, the talking and communication that presumably should have started years ago needs to start pronto.

 

[SAAN]

The OP does not seem to have even mentioned divorce, so why do you do so?

Remember: the opening verses of Romans 7 show that divorce so often leads to an adultery, so it's rather premature.

Yes he did.

"She has since said given me an ultimatum that either we can either move together to AZ or that she is going to go leave to AZ on her own, and wanting a divorce."

 

[faroukfarouk]

Yes he did.

"She has since said given me an ultimatum that either we can either move together to AZ or that she is going to go leave to AZ on her own, and wanting a divorce."

Oops, I missed it; sorry; it was a long post.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Your Christian position is to love your wife which it sounds like you do. You are also to be a good godly leader of the family and your wife is to submit to your Christian lead.


In addition, your wife does not have a job and suffers from depression. Your wife refuses to get treatment for her depression and thinks that being close to her family will “fix the problem” Your wife’s decision making seems to be very poor.


You are willing to move to Arizona as per her wishes as soon as you finish your education but she will have none of it.


Your wife is immature and selfish and if you compromise and allow her to dictate your life with her poor decisions and selfishness you will have many years of strife and conflict in your marriage.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I have caused a lot of struggles and heartache before and within our marriage, and it has been very hard for her during it all. I am undoubtedly sorry for everything, and most certainly blessed to have her by my side still, and I will be forever grateful.

You didn't give detail on the above, but I am guessing she is harboring unforgiveness and bitterness, and might just be down right mad at you for that heartache - all this on top of her depression or it's very likely the cause of her depression. It's hard to think clearly (pros/cons of the move, etc) and be spirit-led and spirit-filled when depressed. Seems she's "physically" by your side now but is in desperate need of healing.

Praying for you both!

 

[Ri-in-need]

sorry for the delay, thank you all for your input.

As of now she is still wanting to leave and says she will be gone within 2 weeks. this makes me very sad because im still not sure what to do.
since last time i posted, when my wife and i are together everything seems fine, there have only been a few select times that the issue of moving has been brought up, and then that's when she gets mad, because i still am having a hard time understanding why she would want to move when we are still married, and can still work things out.
One night when I came home from work she told me that she was wanting to get back on her medication which mad me very happy! but she then said that she will see a doctor down there after she moves. she still is in the mindset that if she moves everything will be okay, so i dont really know if she will follow through with the meds once she is down.
i am very confused and lost on what to do...

 

[Solomons Porch]

Im just now reading your post and its Feb 17th.....Didnt wanna give any advice if the situation has changed any, let us know whats going on and i hope and pray things worked out. I hear alot of manipulation and agree there is some issues that are not being brought up, bitterness or something, let us know. Blessings in Jesus name !!