Stepson

[CrystalTurquoise]

I need advice for my relationship with my stepson. I got married four years ago for the second time at 48. Both my husband's and my kids are grown up. My daughter is married, my son lived with us for a little while, but then he went away to live with his college friends, especially because of my stepson. My husband's daughter has a scholarship in a very far college, while my stepson has recently graduated and found a quite decent job.
He is a very intelligent boy and at the beginning he seemed happy for my presence. At the beginning we prayed all together in the evening, all four of us, and I felt I was in heaven. Then my stepson did not pray anymore. He stayed silent. We shared our prayer intentions, and he stayed silent. He said that stating openly prayer intentions was "stupid". Then he started not eating with us. He stared blankly at what I cooked, and sat there without eating. He said it was "nasty". I am not the best cook in the world, but I raised two kids and I always cooked for them. My son decided to go away in a matter of days. I don't know what happened, but they shared a bedroom,and I can only imagine that it was not pleasant for my son. Then he started mistreating my cats. I have three old cats and they are part of my heart. He was very violent with them once. I could not stand it. He yelled at me so violently once that if I think about it I am still scared.
He has no friends. He spends large part of the night playing war videogames. He does not contribute in any possible form. I work and I pay basically for everything, my husband is on disability because he is sick and he pays the mortgage, I pay all the rest. He pays nothing. Zero. He is currently volunteering in the church, because he wants the daughter of the senior pastor to become his girlfriend. I pray she will never do it.
His room is a nightmare. I have to collect his stuff from the floor and piles of garbage. He seems not to care. I clean his room and I do his laundry because no human being should live in that way. But I cannot deny I resent him for that. Especially because when I need something, a lift or whatever, he is never available, he pretends he forgets, or if he does it, he yells at me in the car and manages to make me late.
The problem is that it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband. I realize that I am scared to face my stepson, so I lash my frustrations to my husband and he does not deserve it. He is a good man with a heart for the Lord.
I am scared that if I face my stepson directly, he will go away and my husband will resent me for that.
My stepson says he loves his father: but he does absolutely nothing for him.

Please help me, I am at a loss. What should I do? I am at my wits end.

Forgive me for the rant.

 

[Michie]

I need advice for my relationship with my stepson. I got married four years ago for the second time at 48. Both my husband's and my kids are grown up. My daughter is married, my son lived with us for a little while, but then he went away to live with his college friends, especially because of my stepson. My husband's daughter has a scholarship in a very far college, while my stepson has recently graduated and found a quite decent job.
He is a very intelligent boy and at the beginning he seemed happy for my presence. At the beginning we prayed all together in the evening, all four of us, and I felt I was in heaven. Then my stepson did not pray anymore. He stayed silent. We shared our prayer intentions, and he stayed silent. He said that stating openly prayer intentions was "stupid". Then he started not eating with us. He stared blankly at what I cooked, and sat there without eating. He said it was "nasty". I am not the best cook in the world, but I raised two kids and I always cooked for them. My son decided to go away in a matter of days. I don't know what happened, but they shared a bedroom,and I can only imagine that it was not pleasant for my son. Then he started mistreating my cats. I have three old cats and they are part of my heart. He was very violent with them once. I could not stand it. He yelled at me so violently once that if I think about it I am still scared.
He has no friends. He spends large part of the night playing war videogames. He does not contribute in any possible form. I work and I pay basically for everything, my husband is on disability because he is sick and he pays the mortgage, I pay all the rest. He pays nothing. Zero. He is currently volunteering in the church, because he wants the daughter of the senior pastor to become his girlfriend. I pray she will never do it.
His room is a nightmare. I have to collect his stuff from the floor and piles of garbage. He seems not to care. I clean his room and I do his laundry because no human being should live in that way. But I cannot deny I resent him for that. Especially because when I need something, a lift or whatever, he is never available, he pretends he forgets, or if he does it, he yells at me in the car and manages to make me late.
The problem is that it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband. I realize that I am scared to face my stepson, so I lash my frustrations to my husband and he does not deserve it. He is a good man with a heart for the Lord.
I am scared that if I face my stepson directly, he will go away and my husband will resent me for that.
My stepson says he loves his father: but he does absolutely nothing for him.

Please help me, I am at a loss. What should I do? I am at my wits end.

Forgive me for the rant.

It is your husband’s responsibility to say something to his son. There is no excuse for his son abusing you and your husband does not say a word. I’m sorry but that’s the truth. Your husband needs to stand up and set some ground rules. It could possibly be why his son is the way he is because he has never taken the reins.

 

[CrystalTurquoise]

It is your husband’s responsibility to say something to his son. There is no excuse for his son abusing you and your husband does not say a word. I’m sorry but that’s the truth. Your husband needs to stand up and set some ground rules. It could possibly be why his son is the way he is because he has never taken the reins.

The problem is that he is very passive aggressive. When he is rude in the car my husband is not there. If I complain I look like the evil step mom.

 

[TheWhat?]

Sorry to hear, it's saddening to hear he doesn't want to help.

A couple of questions come to mind. How old is he? He is employed, right? Does he pay any rent? Lastly, is your husband too disabled to handle the situation for some reason?

 

[Michie]

The problem is that he is very passive aggressive. When he is rude in the car my husband is not there. If I complain I look like the evil step mom.

Well your husband should still step up and demand that he respect his wife. Whether it happens in his presence or not.

 

[CrystalTurquoise]

Sorry to hear, it's saddening to hear he doesn't want to help.

A couple of questions come to mind. How old is he? He is employed, right? Does he pay any rent? Lastly, is your husband too disabled to handle the situation for some reason?

He is 22 and employed. No he does not pay any rent. Nothing. He recently wrecked the car my husband bought him in a car accident, and he bought a huge black monster which is terribly expensive. My husband is often in a great amount of pain, so it depends from the day. But I feel like I am hurting him when I talk about this. He loves his son, and when he wants my stepson can be a great company. But I see his mood swings and now I do not trust him anymore.

Well your husband should still step up and demand that he respect his wife. Whether it happens in his presence or not.

You are right. Not only for me, but for himself. Because when my stepson refuses to do something, he steps in, and he is in a great amount of pain. He should not do that.

 

[TheWhat?]

He is 22 and employed. No he does not pay any rent. Nothing. He recently wrecked the car my husband bought him in a car accident, and he bought a huge black monster which is terribly expensive. My husband is often in a great amount of pain, so it depends from the day. But I feel like I am hurting him when I talk about this. He loves his son, and when he wants my stepson can be a great company. But I see his mood swings and now I do not trust him anymore.

Yeah, he needs to be contributing at the least. It does sound like he's got some darkness in him, not all to uncommon at his age, either.

My opinion is you're right to be worried about confronting him. Ideally you should be able to talk to your husband about this and get the help you need to handle the situation, but I think you need to ask yourself before you do anything, does he need to learn a lesson here or does the underlying tension simply need to be resolved? He can be out of the house soon with his job, or this could blow up and the whole thing could get much, much worse. I would try to avoid the latter.

 

[Michie]

He is 22 and employed. No he does not pay any rent. Nothing. He recently wrecked the car my husband bought him in a car accident, and he bought a huge black monster which is terribly expensive. My husband is often in a great amount of pain, so it depends from the day. But I feel like I am hurting him when I talk about this. He loves his son, and when he wants my stepson can be a great company. But I see his mood swings and now I do not trust him anymore.



You are right. Not only for me, but for himself. Because when my stepson refuses to do something, he steps in, and he is in a great amount of pain. He should not do that.

Well he should not have to do that. But he should with this behavior. If his son respects his father’s wishes.... It’s not only good for you but him. Enabling or ignoring his behavior does nobody any favors. Especially the stepson. Ground rules should be established.

 

[tturt]

Encourage you to begin by him cleaning his own room. If he doesn't want to eat what you've prepared, then he can go get his own food. He's acting very childish, irresponsible, and disrespectful. He needs to grow up. If he can't change, he needs to move out.

 

[splish- splash]

Let hubby sit him down so they can talk, man to man. I guess I can't say his friends may have influenced him, coz he hasn't got any.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I need advice for my relationship with my stepson. I got married four years ago for the second time at 48. Both my husband's and my kids are grown up. My daughter is married, my son lived with us for a little while, but then he went away to live with his college friends, especially because of my stepson. My husband's daughter has a scholarship in a very far college, while my stepson has recently graduated and found a quite decent job.
He is a very intelligent boy and at the beginning he seemed happy for my presence. At the beginning we prayed all together in the evening, all four of us, and I felt I was in heaven. Then my stepson did not pray anymore. He stayed silent. We shared our prayer intentions, and he stayed silent. He said that stating openly prayer intentions was "stupid". Then he started not eating with us. He stared blankly at what I cooked, and sat there without eating. He said it was "nasty". I am not the best cook in the world, but I raised two kids and I always cooked for them. My son decided to go away in a matter of days. I don't know what happened, but they shared a bedroom,and I can only imagine that it was not pleasant for my son. Then he started mistreating my cats. I have three old cats and they are part of my heart. He was very violent with them once. I could not stand it. He yelled at me so violently once that if I think about it I am still scared.
He has no friends. He spends large part of the night playing war videogames. He does not contribute in any possible form. I work and I pay basically for everything, my husband is on disability because he is sick and he pays the mortgage, I pay all the rest. He pays nothing. Zero. He is currently volunteering in the church, because he wants the daughter of the senior pastor to become his girlfriend. I pray she will never do it.
His room is a nightmare. I have to collect his stuff from the floor and piles of garbage. He seems not to care. I clean his room and I do his laundry because no human being should live in that way. But I cannot deny I resent him for that. Especially because when I need something, a lift or whatever, he is never available, he pretends he forgets, or if he does it, he yells at me in the car and manages to make me late.
The problem is that it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband. I realize that I am scared to face my stepson, so I lash my frustrations to my husband and he does not deserve it. He is a good man with a heart for the Lord.
I am scared that if I face my stepson directly, he will go away and my husband will resent me for that.
My stepson says he loves his father: but he does absolutely nothing for him.

Please help me, I am at a loss. What should I do? I am at my wits end.

Forgive me for the rant.

Welcome to CF. I am sorry to hear about your struggles. Listen to your words..
" I am scared". This is not the will of the Father that you live in fear. Time to have a family meeting, layout your concerns and propose solutions to solve the problems. If you do this lovingly and righteously with no ill will towards others, you will not only have the strength to make changes but those who reap from your goodness will begin to respect you. Remember God is always on the side of righteousness. Be blessed.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Maybe you should start doing audio recordings on your phone while you are with your stepson so that you have audio evidence of his verbal abuse and then bring it to your husband and see how he addresses the problem. It's terrible for you to be so scared of him, he is very verbally abusive. Your husband should protect you from your stepson.

 

[valerina]

I need advice for my relationship with my stepson. I got married four years ago for the second time at 48. Both my husband's and my kids are grown up. My daughter is married, my son lived with us for a little while, but then he went away to live with his college friends, especially because of my stepson. My husband's daughter has a scholarship in a very far college, while my stepson has recently graduated and found a quite decent job.
He is a very intelligent boy and at the beginning he seemed happy for my presence. At the beginning we prayed all together in the evening, all four of us, and I felt I was in heaven. Then my stepson did not pray anymore. He stayed silent. We shared our prayer intentions, and he stayed silent. He said that stating openly prayer intentions was "stupid". Then he started not eating with us. He stared blankly at what I cooked, and sat there without eating. He said it was "nasty". I am not the best cook in the world, but I raised two kids and I always cooked for them. My son decided to go away in a matter of days. I don't know what happened, but they shared a bedroom,and I can only imagine that it was not pleasant for my son. Then he started mistreating my cats. I have three old cats and they are part of my heart. He was very violent with them once. I could not stand it. He yelled at me so violently once that if I think about it I am still scared.
He has no friends. He spends large part of the night playing war videogames. He does not contribute in any possible form. I work and I pay basically for everything, my husband is on disability because he is sick and he pays the mortgage, I pay all the rest. He pays nothing. Zero. He is currently volunteering in the church, because he wants the daughter of the senior pastor to become his girlfriend. I pray she will never do it.
His room is a nightmare. I have to collect his stuff from the floor and piles of garbage. He seems not to care. I clean his room and I do his laundry because no human being should live in that way. But I cannot deny I resent him for that. Especially because when I need something, a lift or whatever, he is never available, he pretends he forgets, or if he does it, he yells at me in the car and manages to make me late.
The problem is that it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband. I realize that I am scared to face my stepson, so I lash my frustrations to my husband and he does not deserve it. He is a good man with a heart for the Lord.
I am scared that if I face my stepson directly, he will go away and my husband will resent me for that.
My stepson says he loves his father: but he does absolutely nothing for him.

Please help me, I am at a loss. What should I do? I am at my wits end.

Forgive me for the rant.

You should feel comfortable in your own home, I am so sorry . Try to bring this up with your husband if you can, or try to take a week or 2 away from home and see if he is any different when you come back. I have had a stepson before and have had other issues that I feel too embarrassed to discuss, but I am fortunate that I was able to resolve it in a way where no one was hurt and I did not (and could not) to bring it up with his father. Our relationship changed but and calmer after and the attention I gave was not unwanted.

I hope there can be a positive change with him soon.