Steps 6-7

[OK Jeff]

I have been sober from alcohol for better than six years. But a lesser struggle with inappropriate contentography has crept up more than once. The first time was immediately after I sobered up (a couple months) and it was by far the worst. But I’ve had on and off trouble in the years since. I’ve been agonizing, beating myself up over what I missed in step four. I really feel I did this and five thoroughly (as well as 8-9). But by almost accident I stumbled across some step 7, then 6 reading in my life recovery bible and I really think this is my misstep. I’ve never become willing to let God remove these defects, these hurts, this guilt. I’m still carrying all this around and I don’t think I even realized it. Now I’m relatively confident I’ve identified the problem, so what to do now? How do I become willing? What does that look like?

 

[tdidymas]

I have been sober from alcohol for better than six years. But a lesser struggle with inappropriate contentography has crept up more than once. The first time was immediately after I sobered up (a couple months) and it was by far the worst. But I’ve had on and off trouble in the years since. I’ve been agonizing, beating myself up over what I missed in step four. I really feel I did this and five thoroughly (as well as 8-9). But by almost accident I stumbled across some step 7, then 6 reading in my life recovery bible and I really think this is my misstep. I’ve never become willing to let God remove these defects, these hurts, this guilt. I’m still carrying all this around and I don’t think I even realized it. Now I’m relatively confident I’ve identified the problem, so what to do now? How do I become willing? What does that look like?

When you talk about the steps, I assume you are talking about AA? I highly recommend joining a Celebrate Recovery group - Home. Where AA helped me a little, Celebrate Recovery helped me a lot. It is less self-centered, and more Christ-centered, and more accountable. In the statistics, where AA shows 5% long-term recoverd, CR shows 85%. Also, CR is not strictly alcohol, it is all-encompassing for all addictions.

Identifying the problem is half the battle. The other half is believing the promises of God (to heal your wrong ways) at the same time of your repentance. The first is illumination, the second is affliction. When you confess it to others, you are afflicting yourself, afflicting your ego. In this, though, false humility and self-pity is to be avoided. Confession should be for the benefit of others as much as for yourself.

Part of our problem is trying to recover ourselves, as opposed to believing that God is causing the recovery. We keep trying and trying, thinking that we are forming new habits; but our addictive nature takes over and we trade one addiction for another. We acknowledge step 1, but it doesn't really sink into our subconscious feelings. We must be completely convinced of our powerlessness to change our addictive nature, if we are to start believing in God's power to overcome. "Who is he who overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Christ." (1 Jn. 5:5). This kind of faith is much deeper than mental acknowledgement.

2 Pet. 1:3 says "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." Since this is a true statement, we then must find the way to tap into God's divine power against the fleshly corruptions that easily trap us. We cannot neglect the spiritual disciplines if we want to recover our spiritual and psychological health. Public worship, fellowship, confession, Bible study, scripture memorization and meditation, and prayer. The regular practice of these things will help to make us live balanced Christian lives.

May God bless you in your recovery.
TD

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Jeff,

Here's a tough line of thought, but if your goal is complete sobriety from this addiction, it's likely to be successful:

Many types of addictions lose a big part of their grip when they are acknowledged and exposed. Affairs are addictions to a person outside of the marriage, and exposure is the most successful way to end affairs. This is because once you start seeing your actions through others' eyes, you are not so proud of them and don't want them to keep watching you do it.

My favorite marital resource, Dr. Harley, says "If a rule to guide habit formation doesn't address motivational issues, it won't work. But when it requires couples to implement the most powerful motivators available, it always works.

Here's a link that discusses the various types of motivators:

Rules that Guide Good Habit Formation in Marriage

So all of that to say, a powerful motivator would be something Dr. Harley has recommended for couples who have struggles with their lives in the digital sphere, which is full digital transparency with your wife. If you knew she would see every time you accessed inappropriate content, you would likely be highly motivated to not access the inappropriate content. As you can tell from the other thread, lol, I am NOT an advocate for spouses having privacy "rights" in marriage. This is from observing so many instances of behaviors in privacy deeply hurting the other spouse. In my hierarchy of "rights", I put a spouse's right to not be hurt with malevolent behaviors in this universe and the right of privacy so perpetrators can be protected in another one. If you're not a perpetrator, what do you care if the person you are one flesh together with knows you almost as well as you know yourself?

Here's a great article on sharing this "radical" honesty with your spouse:

The Policy of Radical Honesty

What would you think of putting a key logger on the device that you are tempted to access inappropriate content on and having the reports delivered to your wife? If everyone's behaviors would be reported to the front page of the newspaper the next day, their behaviors would be quite different than what they might do in private. The same concept applies here.

As you are working towards gaining intimacy (into-me-see) with your wife's thoughts and life, this could be a way for you to offer her intimacy into your thoughts and life, which would protect both you and her from the effects of a relapse of inappropriate content in your marriage.

Thoughts?

PS: Many commendations on your success with this struggle so far!

 

[OK Jeff]

I have (and continue) to consider this. The sole reason I haven’t done it is to spare her unneeded hurt. “We made direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others”. I know this may look like a cop out, but i sincerely mean it. I caused her enough grief in my drinking years and can’t see relieving myself of this burden by placing it on her shoulders. Thank you for the suggestion and it’s not out of the question. But it’s no for now.

 

[Endeavourer]

I have (and continue) to consider this. The sole reason I haven’t done it is to spare her unneeded hurt. “We made direct amends except when to do so would injure them or others”. I know this may look like a cop out, but i sincerely mean it. I caused her enough grief in my drinking years and can’t see relieving myself of this burden by placing it on her shoulders. Thank you for the suggestion and it’s not out of the question. But it’s no for now.

If you have a relationship with your Dad or a leader in your church, that might accomplish the same thing. Who cares if someone you trust knows all your key strokes - would you rather someone know you THAT well, or would you rather go through a cycle of despair and self loathing that a relapse might cause?

However, my suggestion didn't include telling her the whole backstory (while I usually do tend towards that). You might say that seeing scanty figures in media or in real life sometimes gives you a nagging thought about seeking out inappropriate content and you want to ensure she is protected from you being tempted to do so. Or you might tell her you read about digital transparency in marriages and want to make sure she has access to your accounts and activities.

Giving her your keystrokes is a very vulnerable and daring thing to do, but it would be a powerful motivator for you to stay away from the problem forever.

 

[OK Jeff]

Not bad thinking. I have a full disclosure relationship with my AA sponsor. I’d do so with him but he carries a flip phone and watches TV from an antenna. Used to be a computer tech and now doesn’t even own one.

 

[OK Jeff]

FWIW, I don’t hide my phone from her. I leave it with her and it’s never locked.

 

[chilehed]

My first Sixth Step assignment was to just watch myself in action for a month and report back. All of a sudden I started acting out on all of the character defects I'd identified in my Fourth and Fifth Steps, and it was like having an out of body experience. I saw myself doing these things, knew how messed up they were, could fully see the destruction that I was causing in everyone's lives but was totally unable to stop it.

Suddenly one evening I realized that these things that I'd been hanging on to were quite simply more trouble than they were worth, that in my self-will there was ultimately nothing so disgusting, depraved or immoral that I wouldn't do it if my disease took me there, and that all of the "I didn't do that's" really did have a hidden "yet ". And immediately I saw that even though I was still emotionally attached to my defects, I could be willing to have God remove them anyway - sort of like the scene in "The Great Divorce" in which the man give the angel permission to remove the lizard from his shoulder - and that if I didn't I would end up in relapse and death.

I called my sponsor and told him about it, and he said "welcome to the Seventh Step".

 

[OK Jeff]

When I first started this journey, step six looked like the easiest one. Who knew it could be so difficult to simply “become willing” to let go of that which we already knew was wrong. I like that “yet”. With me that “yet” came to be in several places while I’ve been stuck. Thank you for the response. I’m doing better in the weeks since making this discovery. It feels so good to be making progress again.

 

[chilehed]

From The Great Divorce:
I saw coming towards us a Ghost who carried something on his shoulder. Like all the Ghosts, he was unsubstantial, but they differed from one another as smokes differ. Some had been whitish; this one was dark and oily. What sat on his shoulder was a little red lizard, and it was twitching its tail like a whip and whispering things in his ear. As we caught sight of him he turned his head to the reptile with a snarl of impatience. "Shut up, I tell you!" he said. It wagged its tail and continued to whisper to him. He ceased snarling, and presently began to smile. Then he turned and started to limp westward, away from the mountains.

"Off so soon?" said a voice.

The speaker was more or less human in shape but larger than a man, and so bright that I could hardly look at him. His presence smote on my eyes and on my body too (for there was heat coming from him as well as light) like the morning sun at the beginning of a tyrannous summer day.

"Yes. I'm off," said the Ghost. "Thanks for all your hospitality. But it's no good, you see.
I told this little chap," (here he indicated the lizard), "that he'd have to be quiet if he came -which he insisted on doing. Of course his stuff won't do here: I realise that. But he won't stop. I shall just have to go home."

"Would you like me to make him quiet?" said the flaming Spirit-an angel, as I now understood. "Of course I would," said the Ghost.
"Then I will kill him," said the Angel, taking a step forward.
"Oh-ah-look out! You're burning me. Keep away," said the Ghost, retreating.

"Don't you want him killed?"
"You didn't say anything about killing him at first. I hardlv meant to bother you with anything so drastic as that."
"It's the onlv way," said the Angel, whose burning hands were now very close to the lizard. "Shall I kill it?"
"Well, that's a further question. I'm quite open to consider it, but it's a new point, isn't it? I mean, for the moment I was only thinking about silencing it because up here-well, it's so damned embarrassing."
"May I kill it?"
"Well, there's time to discuss that later."
"There is no time. May I kill it?"
"Please, I never meant to be such a nuisance. Please-really-don't bother. Look! It's gone to sleep of its own accord. I'm sure it'll be all right now. Thanks ever so much."
"May I kill it?"
"Honestly, I don't think there's the slightest necessity for that. I'm sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. I think the gradual process would be far better than killing it."

"The gradual process is of no use at all."

"Don't you think so? Well, I'll think over what you've said very carefully. I honestly will. In fact I'd let you kill it now, but as a matter of fact I'm not feeling frightfully well to-day. It would be silly to do it now. I'd need to be in good health for the operation. Some other day, perhaps."

"There is no other day. All days are present now."

"Get back! You're burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You'd kill me if you did."

"It is not so."

"Why, you're hurting me now."

"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you."

"Oh, I know. You think I'm a coward. But it isn't that. Really it isn't. I say! Let me run back by tonight's bus and get an opinion from my own doctor. I'll come again the first moment I can."

"This moment contains all moments."

"Why are you torturing me? You are jeering at me. How can I let you tear me to pieces? If you wanted to help me, why didn't you kill the damned thing without asking me-before I knew? It would be all over by now if you had."

"I cannot kill it against your will. It is impossible. Have I your permission?"

The Angel's hands were almost closed on the Lizard, but not quite. Then the Lizard began chattering to the Ghost so loud that even I could hear what it was saying.
"Be careful," it said. "He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you'll be without me for ever and ever. It's not natural. How could you live? You'd be only a sort of ghost, not a real man as you are now. He doesn't understand. He's only a cold, bloodless abstract thing. It may be natural for him, but it isn't for us. Yes, yes. I know there are no real pleasures now, only dreams. But aren't they better than nothing? And I'll be so good. I admit I've sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won't do it again. I'll give you nothing but really nice dreams-all sweet and fresh and almost innocent. You might say, quite innocent____" "Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?"
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Then I may?"
"Damn and blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."
Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf.
"Ow! That's done for me," gasped the Ghost, reeling backwards.

For a moment I could make out nothing distinctly. Then I saw, between me and the nearest bush, unmistakably solid but growing every moment solider, the upper arm and the shoulder of a man. Then, brighter still and stronger, the legs and hands. The neck and golden head materialised while I watched, and if my attention had not wavered I should have seen the actual completing of a man-an immense man, naked, not much smaller than the Angel. What distracted me was the fact that at the same moment something seemed to be happening to the Lizard. At first I thought the operation had failed. So far from dying, the creature was still struggling and even growing bigger as it struggled. And as it grew it changed. Its hinder parts grew rounder. The tail, still flickering, became a tail of hair that flickered between huge and glossy buttocks. Suddenly I started back, rubbing my eyes. What stood before me was the greatest stallion I have ever seen, silvery white but with mane and tail of gold. It was smooth and shining, rippled with swells of flesh and muscle, whinneying and stamping with its hoofs. At each stamp the land shook and the trees dindled.

The new-made man turned and clapped the new horse's neck. It nosed his bright body. Horse and master breathed each into the other's nostrils. The man turned from it, flung himself at the feet of the Burning One, and embraced them. When he rose I thought his face shone with tears, but it may have been only the liquid love and brightness (one cannot distinguish them in that country) which flowed from him. I had not long to think about it. In joyous haste the young man leaped upon the horse's back. Turning in his seat he waved a farewell, then nudged the stallion with his heels. They were off before I well knew what was happening. There was riding if you like! I came out as quickly as I could from among the bushes to follow them with my eyes; but already they were only like a shooting star far off on the green plain, and soon among the foothills of the mountains. Then, still like a star, I saw them winding up, scaling what seemed impossible steeps, and quicker every

moment, till near the dim brow of the landscape, so high that I must strain my neck to see them, they vanished, bright themselves, into the rose-brightness of that everlasting morning.

 

[OK Jeff]

Wow, that is a tremendous illustration. Thank you