Step Parenting

[JAMIE MCNEILL]

Hello All,
Need advice. My wife and I have been been together for 2 years and married for only 9 months. She has a 12 year old daughter who is crazy about me. I want to adopt her at this point. I told my wife I wanted to take her (step-daughter) out to walk the dog and talk to her alone and speak to her about me adopting her, however my wife, took this as insulting. She felt left out. I am confused as to how she could feel this way as it was a time I wanted to spend with my step-daughter and talk to her alone.

 

[public hermit]

Surely, you know by now if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Just tell her with her mother. Problem solved.

 

[grasping the after wind]

Hello All,
Need advice. My wife and I have been been together for 2 years and married for only 9 months. She has a 12 year old daughter who is crazy about me. I want to adopt her at this point. I told my wife I wanted to take her (step-daughter) out to walk the dog and talk to her alone and speak to her about me adopting her, however my wife, took this as insulting. She felt left out. I am confused as to how she could feel this way as it was a time I wanted to spend with my step-daughter and talk to her alone.

She saw it as you leaving her out of the decision. Going unilateral on her. She correctly believes it is a decision she is entitled to be involved in. You probably do not see it as you and your daughter deciding without her input but she ;probably feels as if that is what would be happening. What was your reason for wishing to talk to your step daughter alone about this? If it is a good reason, did you explain to your wife why you think it is a good reason for the two of you to discuss this without her around?

 

[JAMIE MCNEILL]

She saw it as you leaving her out of the decision. Going unilateral on her. She correctly believes it is a decision she is entitled to be involved in. You probably do not see it as you and your daughter deciding without her input but she ;probably feels as if that is what would be happening. What was your reason for wishing to talk to your step daughter alone about this? If it is a good reason, did you explain to your wife why you think it is a good reason for the two of you to discuss this without her around?

Afterwards I explained to my wife that she has a habit of blurting out "things" that are not warranted at the moment. Plus there was a topic that I anticipated to come up that would have been sensitive to her (ie step daughter's paternity). Long story short. My wife has a
strong belief that daughter A, 20 and daughter B, 12 have the same father, although they look ZERO alike. It is more than obvious; hair, skin tone, facial features, everything, baby pics up until age 12 are zero resemblance.

 

[Rescued One]

Afterwards I explained to my wife that she has a habit of blurting out "things" that are not warranted at the moment. Plus there was a topic that I anticipated to come up that would have been sensitive to her (ie step daughter's paternity). Long story short. My wife has a
strong belief that daughter A, 20 and daughter B, 12 have the same father, although they look ZERO alike. It is more than obvious; hair, skin tone, facial features, everything, baby pics up until age 12 are zero resemblance.

I don't understand! Why do you want to adopt only one daughter? Why does it matter who the birth father is? Do you need the birth father's permission to adopt his child? Why don't you trust your wife ---- you're married to her!

 

[JAMIE MCNEILL]

I don't understand! Why do you want to adopt only one daughter? Why does it matter who the birth father is? Do you need the birth father's permission to adopt his child? Why don't you trust your wife ---- you're married to her!

Well to fill in the blanks. The 20 year old is married and she doesn't acknowledge [our] marriage for her own reasons. The 12 year old's [presumed] birth father is not in the picture since age 5/6. The 12 year does not like or want to go to his house, however the 20 year every, so often, wants her to go with her when she visits him, HOWEVER, mom doesn't speak up against it.

 

[blackribbon]

I would almost think that this should first be a discussion between your wife and your daughter so that the daughter can free say if she has any objections without worrying about offending you. After giving the daughter a period of time to think about it and voice any concerns to her mother, then it could be a discussion as a family which would include you...or a private discussion between you and the daughter where you tell her how much you love her and want her to be legally your child.

Even if she loves you and thinks of you as her dad, there can be reasons like she doesn't want to betray her sister or secretly hopes her biological father will some day return (realistic or not). She should feel free to be able to say "no thank you" without any pressure or worrying about hurting your feelings.

And then I would take your wife out for a treat and ask her if she has some concerns about the adoption idea or if she was just feeling left out (and apologize if this is the reason because this is her daughter). There may be more to this than you know and she just hasn't felt the need to discuss since it wasn't an issue until now and the adoption situation.

And full blooded siblings can look completely different. So be careful if you decide to discuss this topic.

How feelings like this can affect a young girl: I eloped so that I wouldn't have to decide who would walk me down the aisle...my dad who basically disappeared from my life at age 13 but I still loved or my step-dad, who I loved and didn't want to offend...but I really, really didn't want to offend my absentee dad. So my mom, who has always been there for me was also left out. So realize, she could love you and see you as "dad" and yet not want to be adopted...and it not be anything about you.

 

[Dave-W]

Do you need the birth father's permission to adopt his child?

In many jurisdictions you do need the bio father's permission; aka termination of parental rights.

DNA tests to prove paternity may be required.

 

[BNR32FAN]

Hello All,
Need advice. My wife and I have been been together for 2 years and married for only 9 months. She has a 12 year old daughter who is crazy about me. I want to adopt her at this point. I told my wife I wanted to take her (step-daughter) out to walk the dog and talk to her alone and speak to her about me adopting her, however my wife, took this as insulting. She felt left out. I am confused as to how she could feel this way as it was a time I wanted to spend with my step-daughter and talk to her alone.

Why do you need to adopt her? If your married to her mother then technically she is your daughter. Right?

 

[JAMIE MCNEILL]

Why do you need to adopt her? If your married to her mother then technically she is your daughter. Right?

Was just preparing for future legal options. If something were to happen. Wouldn't want her to go to strangers....(ie her birth father who doesn't know her for instance)

 

[barefeetonholyground]

I agree, you should both approach her together. That's what my husband and I did with my daughter and she's very excited to start this process.

 

[BNR32FAN]

Was just preparing for future legal options. If something were to happen. Wouldn't want her to go to strangers....(ie her birth father who doesn't know her for instance)

Good thinking brother.