Step parenting and letting go?

[SelfProtect]

My husband has 2 daughters. The first one lived at his exwifes home with no job till she got pregnant at 24 years old . Then she moved out and got a job and is doing fine. The second one is 16 and moved in with us in November. She has never had a job and didn't have her drivers license. I signed her up for drivers ed. Getting her motivated to practice driving was difficult for me but she finally has her license and seems to enjoy the freedom. Her Summers when she lived with her mom were spent in her room ALL SUMMER. My kids volunteer till they are 15 then get a job. My husband is on disability so I am the only one working. I get up and go to work every day while my husband and step daughter sleep in and stay at home except when they go eat out. My son has an interview tomorrow for a volunteer job. He just finished a 3 week summer program. He is 12. The fact that my step daughter doesn't work is causing major fights with me and hubby. Meanwhile she wants more glasses and contacts which we just bought her in October. The $100 school clothes budget I gave her she has said isn't enough. I gave her $65 for school supplies and bought her a $130 calculator. I pay $300 a month for braces for her and my son. I told her to get a summer job and she can quit when school starts so she can focus on her studies. Do I give up making her get a summer job. If so how do I do that without feeling taken for granted? I don't blame her. She is doing what she was taught . She is a kid that needs guidance. I blame my husband for allowing it.

 

[live4Christ2016]

Tell her Sorry, but you don't have any money left to help her. It's important that she get a job so she can have money of her own which means a little more freedom.
Your husband needs to work with you. Expecting you to foot the bill everytime she wants money is unfair.
I wanted to work at that age because I got to buy what ever I wanted, save whatever I wanted, and do what I wanted within reason. If she understood that she'd jump out there and do it, but no one has taught her. Also if she works at a clothing store she gets a percentage off of clothes in the store...how cool is that? Ice cream store....probably free ice cream. Shoes....percentage off on shoes.
I hope you get it worked out. You are in a tight position and I don't blame you for being angry with your husband who doesn't want his daughter mad at him, but it's ok if she's mad at you for not giving her what she wants. Just keep encouraging her to find something.

 

[SelfProtect]

I have told her all those benefits you mentioned. Thanks for your input and responding. It helps to hear I'm not being unreasonable. After my big blow up with my husband about it I hear him laughing at his shows in the living room and now he is snoring away without a care in the world. While I lay in bed with anxiety over it and I have to get up early and go to work.

 

[live4Christ2016]

Well...stick to not being able to give her any money. You can't help her because you are struggling with money. I'd kick my husband if he didn't work with me on the issue.
Praying you get it worked out.

 

[ValleyGal]

Why do you pay for any of this? It is your husband's responsibility - and his ex-wife's. You are not responsible for his children. THEY should be paying for their own children.

 

[SelfProtect]

Thank you for your reply ValleyGal. I wish it were that simple. Her mom is a loser and hasnt worked in about 8 years. She depends on her live in boyfriend. I can write more about them another day. That's a whole other book. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and can't work because of the side effects of the treatment. He has been out of work for a little over a year. Basically the doctor's say he will be on treatment for the rest of his life. We don't know how long he has. We go back for scans in August to find out if the treatment he is on is working.. I think this is what they mean when they say "in sickness and in health. Till death do us part". Plus I feel like his daughter is a child and needs help and guidance and I'm trying to undo the mess that her mother has created in her. I was a single mom of three for 11 years. I had two raised and out of the house when I met my husband. my youngest is 12 now. Then his daughter 16 and him not working I feel like I'm a single mom of three again. He has some income. Social Security disability and long-term disability. It helps. But it doesn't help that much with the mounting medical bills. And the needs of two kids. I like your no-nonsense approach but we can't just split the bills down the middle and each pay half. he just doesn't have it. I don't think that's what marriage is about plus I feel like the Lord has blessed me to be able to provide for all three of them. But it is by all means a struggle. My adult daughter , is getting married in March and I do contribute towards the wedding an amount that I agreed to. But by no means the amount she wanted. Thanks again for taking the time to post. It's nice to be heard.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Selfprotect, (hopefully with Jesus-protect over all),

Is there a chance, providential opportunity, for your husband to work at anything, even at home ? (for others).
If so, this would be a good and crucial example for everyone in the family, and for others.

For the child, as you stated, she didn't learn responsibility earlier, so learning today is going to be a long steady discipline and struggle.

But you have done a great job with the others, so don't give up. I don't believe Jesus will leave you hanging without knowing what to do - He is in the job of 'saving' people ....

 

[SelfProtect]

yeshuaslavejeff
Thank you so much for your encouraging post. Social Security disability and long term disability are very interesting programs. My husband been has been in physical labor type jobs all his life. He is 60 years old and can't exactly start work-from-home desk job. He's just not cut out for that kind of thing. it's not his giftedness. Maybe he could stuff envelopes but any money earned would be deducted from his Social Security and long term disability income. When he was at work they gave him light duty and it was too much for him because of the side effects of the treatment. Which also affects your brain. Sometimes they call it chemo brain because it's hard to focus. I really do love your post. It is funny how ive drawn more near to the Lord in the last couple of days then I have in the last couple of years. Something about being a Christian that the longer you are one the harder it is to get back to where you were when you first believed. The difficulties of life. The unanswered prayer. Chokes out you're faith. And makes you jaded. I do love the Lord with all my heart and soul. But not always with my actions and my mind. I know He wants more from me but this burden I have is too great. It's hard to be in a marriage where you don't always want to fight and express yourself when you know you have an appointment august 11 and you can hear the treatment isn't working there is nothing more we can do. And the could give him 4 months to live.". Or the bright side is the treatment is working see you in 6 months to still see if it still working. It really toys with you. But thank you so much for your post it really is encouraging and lifted me up.

 

[HannahT]

I don't wish to be morbid here, but it could be he is trying to get as much time with her as possible. He also may not want to fight with her under the circumstances.

As far as the money goes? She has a budget, and remember if it is THAT important to her? She will find a job to help pay for what she wants. If she doesn't get one? It's not that important. If she has glasses that are still workable - right prescription in other words? She can pay for her own contacts. If she needs more money for a clothes? Etc? She can find a way. Believe me if she NEEDS them that badly? She will get motivated. Whining doesn't count. That's just her way of button pushing.

You have enough on your plate right now. I'm so sorry for your burden. Kid's don't think that far ahead at times. They don't realize the cost and elbow grease it takes to give them things. Her sister was pushed into responsibility, and she can be too. Also? Now may not be the time to fight about it, and maybe time to just let it go. It maybe something for a later day. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you.

My prayers are with you!

 

[DZoolander]

Gotta ask -

is it really a money thing - or is it a life lesson thing you're trying to do? As in, are you trying to "teach her responsibility and to respect the value of money" - or is it because you are struggling to afford these things?

 

[SelfProtect]

Hanna thanks for your prayers. It's not that he wants to spend time with her because she spends all her time in her room and he just leaves her there. I don't know if he checks on her every day but he does check on her some.

You would think that not having money would motivate her but it doesn't seem to. I'm just disappointed because I know when she did have money it brought her a lot of joy to have the freedom to buy things. I don't like being the bad guy and withholding the money from her but I guess she has to learn the hard way. And that makes me the bad guy.

The thing that sucks about this cancer is I do know other stage 4 cancer patients that have been going 9 year strong. So for me to stuff my feelings for that many years is ridiculous. This problem we are having with her not working i have stuffed since June 5th when they got out of school. I just reached my Breaking Point.

And now my husband just wants to move on from this fight not make any changes. And I am having a hard time climbing out of this hole by myself.

Zoolander
It is definitely more about me trying to teach her responsibility. Plus I care for her and I would like her to have things she wants but there's no reason she can't go out there and work for it and get it. All of our bills are paid but yes it is a struggle. Especially when it comes to everyone's Desires in my house. My husband my son my stepdaughter all want want want. We have vacation coming up we were going camping for 4 days in a cabin. So we're not struggling. But I'm just a good juggler and I feel like nobody appreciates it
Thank you both for posting.

 

[HannahT]

I don't like being the bad guy and withholding the money from her but I guess she has to learn the hard way. And that makes me the bad guy.

Don't allow ANYONE to make you feel that way. It maybe their opinion, but it doesn't make it true.

You the responsible one. Big difference, and it royally rots at times...but it is needed!

I told my children while they were growing up that I wasn't here to be their friend, but I am their support system. I am the one that will supply your needs, and at times your wants. When your in your late twenties and early thirties? We will be pals!

Your the parent. You are not the 'money grows on trees' nonstop supply line. That hardly qualifies as the bad guy.

 

[HannahT]

The thing that sucks about this cancer is I do know other stage 4 cancer patients that have been going 9 year strong. So for me to stuff my feelings for that many years is ridiculous. This problem we are having with her not working i have stuffed since June 5th when they got out of school. I just reached my Breaking Point.

Having done this myself with my parents? Please find a support system outside the family. I mean that. Stuffing isn't good, and you will make yourself sick. My parents story is more humorous than any of my circumstances....

My parents had a fight when he was dying years ago. It was over a cookie. lol can't you believe it? Dad entered the hospital, and his meds made his sugar levels through the roof! They brought in his dinner tray on that first night, and mother didn't want him to eat the cookie. He got snippy with her, and said something ugly. She told him to call her when it was time for him to come home - and CALL her to pick him up THEN, because she wasn't going to spoken to that way.

I got the phone call from both of them. Both were sorry for their behavior, but it was at a time of high tension...and they were scared. they were too busy playing 'happy happy' with each other, and stopped communicating. They were walking on eggshells not trying to rock the boat, or upset anything because Dad was very ill.

Dad was scared for Mom. Mom was scared for Dad. Mom was afraid he was going to be mad at her for walking out, and Dad was afraid she meant it by calling when he was well enough to go home. lol he also admitted he was real jerk in the way he spoke to her! They really needed to talk to each other about the reality of what was happening. The cookie? It wasn't the issue.

I realize that doesn't sound to heated, but for them? It was a HUGE fight! It took something small and stupid for them to finally open up, and speak about things that needed to be talked about. The cookie was a side issue, and not really an issue at all. Their stuffing just didn't work as well that day.

He needs to know you feel a mountain on your shoulder, and the pressure of everyone is crushing you. It's okay! It's not meant to SHAME him, but to let pressure cooker lid to be released. It's also okay if he doesn't agree with your POV. It's not the end of the world. It would be like any other married couple that doesn't have the illness as a factor. It's normal!

Caregivers, and/or spouses of someone that sick need to be able to take care of themselves too. That is perfectly acceptable. It's needed in fact. Find a support system outside the home - and their are organizations and helplines - to help you learn to blow off some steam in a healthy way. Nothing can be settled without talking, fighting, and negotiating things out. Dealing with living with things that can't be changed, etc. You know the drill!

 

[SelfProtect]

Thank you for your post Hannity it really means a lot to me. It makes me want To laugh and cry I'm going to read it and re-read it to remind myself. Thank you for taking the time. I am going to go see a counselor on Thursday by myself to hopefully work through some of these issues.

 

[DZoolander]

Ya know - I'm probably going to be a little different than most on this - but here's my opinion on "learning responsibility"

...

I was pretty much a spoiled kid. I mean, my parents did try to lecture me on the "value of money", I did have part time jobs doing things like pizza delivery when I was a teenager, I got a job at McDonalds when I was 15, etc... But, then there was a huge swath of time where I really didn't do any work and just went to school.

My parents paid for pretty much everything. I think by the time I was 24(ish) I had already had 5 cars, my parents completely paid for my college tuition, my room and board (although I did live at home a good percentage of that time while I was in college), they paid for my car insurance, food, health insurance, etc.

A lot of my friends thought I was spoiled - and I got a lot of the trope about how I wasn't learning the value of money.

When I graduated college, I got a job, bought a house and started paying for my own stuff.

So even though I was "spoiled" - and I definitely "want want wanted" - it isn't like I was a fish out of water when it came to how to handle my stuff once being an adult was expected of me. The computation was "Well, when I had people supporting me who had a lot of money, I could get x, y and z. Now that I'm supporting myself, I can only get X or Y or Z. Choose wisely."

So, I've always been a little skeptical about the "teaching them responsibility" stuff. For me, within reason, I intend to try and pay for my kid's cars, college educations, etc...and to some extent other luxuries to whatever I can afford. If they want other misc stuff - sure they can get a job - but it's not going to be a requirement in my home.

I guess it all boils down to what they're asking for...lol

 

[akmom]

"She's 16 and has never had a job" is kind of an odd statement. Of course she's never had a job. She hasn't been old enough until this year, and it's been summer for like a month. I agree that it's important for teens to get a driver's license and work, to get used to it. But at this point, she is still a minor and she is still her parents' responsibility. The kinds of jobs she can get won't allow her to support herself. For her, it'll be good practice and a little extra spending money. It isn't a solution to your family's financial burdens, as it is still the parents' (and stepparents by extension) responsibility to provide for all their offspring until they are 18. It may seem more burdensome because she is not your own, but being part of a blended family is not the children's fault, and being legally old enough to work is not equivalent to being an adult. She still needs your help with clothes, vision and dental expenses, and school supplies. Rather than balk at the cost, look at exactly what she needs and make sure she can get it all. So $65 might not cover the cost of everything the school requires, or it might be much more than what she actually needs for school supplies. Please don't guilt trip her for what her school supplies cost; take it up with the school. My parents did this to me in high school and it was so frustrating. Teachers nagging me about having this or that, and my parents complaining that they shouldn't have to buy all that stuff. Don't stick her in the middle of a disagreement between your expectations and the school's, and please don't assume that a summer job will help her "carry her weight" in the household. No child should be treated that way. Same thing with glasses and braces. Yes, they are expensive, but that just comes with the privilege of having children (or marrying someone with children).

It's great that your community has so many volunteer opportunities that you can provide that experience for your 12-year-old. I'm not sure how much of a "contribution" it is, considering the chauffeuring and chaperoning that such young volunteers require, but I bet it is enriching for them. In my day, young boys mowed lawns and young girls babysat for money until they were old enough for "real" work.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you have chosen to be her provider and you want her to be motivated to get a job then do the bare minimum. Get her the cheapest glasses and Walmart clothes, don't give her money, take her shopping at Walmart for clothes.