step parent abuse or attempt at discipline?

[ruben garcia]

Good morning, my wife and i are part of a blended family, she has 4 boys, ages 21,16,11,9, i have 2 boys ages 18,14, and we have beautiful daughter together.
well 7 months ago we had a crisis which we are still battling. Heres my story, oct 2, 2020 my dad had asked me to help him out at his home, he was doing some yard work, and trimming trees, well my wife asked me to take all the boys and not leave anybody behind, so that morning around 9 am, i attempted to wake the kids and get ready for the day, mind you they already knew the plans since friday night, so i started by turning the lights on in their room, calling them to wake up, my wife was downstairs getting ready to go to work that day. so as time went on i think it was approximatly 30 min, i went up again and this time i raised my voice so the kids would wake up, of course they are boys, and they continued to stay in bed, well about 15 min later i went up again, and this time i started to pull blankets, this time the kids werent happy, well when i went to my 16 year old step son room, i attempted to pull his blanket and he jumped up and yelled "what [Staff Edit] is wrong with you" but at the time i heard [Staff Edit], since he was about 6-12 inches from my face, my first reaction was to slap him across the head, he turned and landed a punch on me, so i tuned and tried to restrain him leaning him on his bead, he punched me again, and then i landed a jab, and then walked away.
as of 04/15/2020, im not living at home, ive gone through anger management, family counseling alone, CBT therapy, and have spoken to my pastor on many occasions, ive written my step son letters, i tried apologizing, but now my wife is wanting a divorce, since her son doesnt want anything to do with me, mind you, this was my first offense, and i am trying everything in my power to correct myself to be better for my family.

 

[NomNomPizza]

Good morning, my wife and i are part of a blended family, she has 4 boys, ages 21,16,11,9, i have 2 boys ages 18,14, and we have beautiful daughter together.
well 7 months ago we had a crisis which we are still battling. Heres my story, oct 2, 2020 my dad had asked me to help him out at his home, he was doing some yard work, and trimming trees, well my wife asked me to take all the boys and not leave anybody behind, so that morning around 9 am, i attempted to wake the kids and get ready for the day, mind you they already knew the plans since friday night, so i started by turning the lights on in their room, calling them to wake up, my wife was downstairs getting ready to go to work that day. so as time went on i think it was approximatly 30 min, i went up again and this time i raised my voice so the kids would wake up, of course they are boys, and they continued to stay in bed, well about 15 min later i went up again, and this time i started to pull blankets, this time the kids werent happy, well when i went to my 16 year old step son room, i attempted to pull his blanket and he jumped up and yelled "what [Staff Edit] is wrong with you" but at the time i heard [Staff Edit], since he was about 6-12 inches from my face, my first reaction was to slap him across the head, he turned and landed a punch on me, so i tuned and tried to restrain him leaning him on his bead, he punched me again, and then i landed a jab, and then walked away.
as of 04/15/2020, im not living at home, ive gone through anger management, family counseling alone, CBT therapy, and have spoken to my pastor on many occasions, ive written my step son letters, i tried apologizing, but now my wife is wanting a divorce, since her son doesnt want anything to do with me, mind you, this was my first offense, and i am trying everything in my power to correct myself to be better for my family.

eh you didn't really do anything wrong its just not disciplined Children , I'd probably hit him so hard he would need to go to emergency room for what he did so you kinda went easy on him. 16 year old is young man to me its not kid first of all.

Still why are u marrying another woman and try to combine almost two adult families into one its kinda odd , unless u both were widowed I see no point in making that some sort of family, you basically wanted to be father of 4 almost fully grown men without being the one who is rising them and expecting them to respect you just cuz you have sex with thier mother it would never work they arent your children.

 

[ruben garcia]

well we have been together for almost 6 years,, i love the kids ,, but man this is the hardest part of parenting , or being a step parent, and we were both divorced, remarried after 2 years. now im stuck facing down a barrel of divorce,, which i hate the thought of. my wife is so angry with me, she says no matter what happened, it was my fault for hitting him, because im the adult, and i get that,, but man he didnt have to be disrespecting me either,,

 

[pescador]

well we have been together for almost 6 years,, i love the kids ,, but man this is the hardest part of parenting , or being a step parent, and we were both divorced, remarried after 2 years. now im stuck facing down a barrel of divorce,, which i hate the thought of. my wife is so angry with me, she says no matter what happened, it was my fault for hitting him, because im the adult, and i get that,, but man he didnt have to be disrespecting me either,,

It seems like the situation got out of hand very quickly and that you overreacted. You need to apologize to everyone, especially the young man you hit, and ask for their forgiveness.

Disrespecting you is no excuse for hitting him, period.

 

[ruben garcia]

i have asked for forgiveness in 3 different letters i wrote to him, he doesnt even want to look at me much less be anywhere near me, i understand how he feels and has every right to feel that way about me, i did over react and i regret every moment of it,, i reacted like my dad had reacted towards me when i was a teen. im going through therapy now, but my wife doesnt trust me,, ive apologized to the rest of the family and my wife of course.

 

[renniks]

well we have been together for almost 6 years,, i love the kids ,, but man this is the hardest part of parenting , or being a step parent, and we were both divorced, remarried after 2 years. now im stuck facing down a barrel of divorce,, which i hate the thought of. my wife is so angry with me, she says no matter what happened, it was my fault for hitting him, because im the adult, and i get that,, but man he didnt have to be disrespecting me either,,

Yeah the reaction seems way over the top. If someone did and said that to me I'd probably take a poke at them too.

 

[pescador]

Yeah the reaction seems way over the top. If someone did and said that to me I'd probably take a poke at them too.

You're justifying hitting a child??

 

[NomNomPizza]

You're justifying hitting a child??

its 16 year grown man not child

 

[renniks]

You're justifying hitting a child??

Yep. What are you going to do if a full grown male punches you? I'm going to at least smack his butt.

 

[David Hunter]

Yikes! Praying for your situation.

 

[Hazelelponi]

well we have been together for almost 6 years,, i love the kids ,, but man this is the hardest part of parenting , or being a step parent, and we were both divorced, remarried after 2 years. now im stuck facing down a barrel of divorce,, which i hate the thought of. my wife is so angry with me, she says no matter what happened, it was my fault for hitting him, because im the adult, and i get that,, but man he didnt have to be disrespecting me either,,

once my son decided he didn't have to listen to me because I was disabled and couldn't make him do anything.. So I tried dragging him to his room (which is where I told him to go and he said "no, I couldn't make him"!) anyway, and couldn't get him down the hallway as there were too many handholds so I turned and drug him out the front door and slammed it after him..

That's a moment in time he and I both laugh at today - but I won! Haha.. and he never told me I couldn't make him again..

If your stepson was cussing at you and punching you, regardless of popular modern thought, it was a moment in time one of you was going to "win", and if it wasn't you he's the worse for it - not you.

He needed to know he's not too old to respect you and your decisions... And now what he knows is that he doesn't need to offer anyone respect.

My son turned out to be a wonderfully well rounded adult, partly because I won that day...

I am sorry that your wife doesn't get it, but someday she'll be the one to pay the price for her stepping in like this and refusing to reprimand her son.

All you can do is pray for them. I 100% don't think it's you that needs counseling, you did what any parent would do, and that's honest. Anyone whose raised teenage boys knows what the stakes are when that day comes.

And by the way, I'm a mom not a dad... just a heads up on that.

 

[Paidiske]

You hit a child (in the eyes of the law) who was not your own. Legally, that's assault. You could have been charged and convicted.

How your family respond to that is up to them, but if you've apologised and they don't want to reconcile, especially because they don't feel safe (that's the lack of trust) then you're probably going to have to respect that.

 

[Taodeching]

step parent abuse or attempt at discipline?

Abuse, plain and simple. Not only that but it is also an assault on a minor and your lucky your not in jail permanently. Your wife most likely feels you abandon her because of your actions. She is letting you off easy with a divorce

 

[Leet]

That is abuse. It's assault. I don't even know why you're questioning this in the title.
Not to mention........Shame on some of the responders to this thread.

 

[christinemurphy]

I agree, this is abuse. No one should hit people like that.

 

[Deade]

He needed to know he's not too old to respect you and your decisions... And now what he knows is that he doesn't need to offer anyone respect.

Amen to this. Your wife overreacted regardless of the law. You have been his stepdad since he was 10 years old and he still has no respect for you? He needs counselling not you. It sometimes take drastic measures to keep you house under control. Think about this: If you were his real dad, he would have earned the death penalty [5th Comm.].

 

[renniks]

Abuse, plain and simple. Not only that but it is also an assault on a minor and your lucky your not in jail permanently. Your wife most likely feels you abandon her because of your actions. She is letting you off easy with a divorce

Because he defended himself? Good grief.

 

[Anthony2019]

Good morning, my wife and i are part of a blended family, she has 4 boys, ages 21,16,11,9, i have 2 boys ages 18,14, and we have beautiful daughter together.
well 7 months ago we had a crisis which we are still battling. Heres my story, oct 2, 2020 my dad had asked me to help him out at his home, he was doing some yard work, and trimming trees, well my wife asked me to take all the boys and not leave anybody behind, so that morning around 9 am, i attempted to wake the kids and get ready for the day, mind you they already knew the plans since friday night, so i started by turning the lights on in their room, calling them to wake up, my wife was downstairs getting ready to go to work that day. so as time went on i think it was approximatly 30 min, i went up again and this time i raised my voice so the kids would wake up, of course they are boys, and they continued to stay in bed, well about 15 min later i went up again, and this time i started to pull blankets, this time the kids werent happy, well when i went to my 16 year old step son room, i attempted to pull his blanket and he jumped up and yelled "what [Staff Edit] is wrong with you" but at the time i heard [Staff Edit], since he was about 6-12 inches from my face, my first reaction was to slap him across the head, he turned and landed a punch on me, so i tuned and tried to restrain him leaning him on his bead, he punched me again, and then i landed a jab, and then walked away.
as of 04/15/2020, im not living at home, ive gone through anger management, family counseling alone, CBT therapy, and have spoken to my pastor on many occasions, ive written my step son letters, i tried apologizing, but now my wife is wanting a divorce, since her son doesnt want anything to do with me, mind you, this was my first offense, and i am trying everything in my power to correct myself to be better for my family.

Hello Ruben
Welcome to the forums.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience and hope and pray that things will get better for you and your family.
From what you have posted, it seems to me that you have done all of the right things. You've sought help for your family and yourself, through anger management and counselling, and you've gone through all necessary steps to try and put things right. And all credit to you for doing so. I know a lot of people in your position who would not have made as much effort as you have done.
One of the harshest lessons of life is that we cannot change other people, but only ourselves. You mentioned that the incident happened about several months ago. That does not seem to me to be very long. Your wife and stepson are probably still feeling quite raw at the moment. Given time and space, maybe they will start to see things differently, but that will largely depend upon the type of relationship you already had with them. Perhaps they will forgive you. But you have to be equally prepared for the fact that they may not.
At this time, the most important thing you can do is give them their time and space. You have written your letters. Do not write any more, and make sure you step back from the situation. In time, they will make up their own minds, They will make their own choices.
Focus not on them, but yourself and what needs changing. From what you have posted, it seems you have already started to do this.
We will be thinking and praying for you Ruben. That things will work out best for you and your family.
Know that our God loves you most dearly and intimately. He understands your frustration and pain and longs to reach out to you with His mercy and abundant forgiveness. He will set all of your paths straight, so place all of your hope and trust in Him.

 

[Leet]

Because he defended himself? Good grief.

If a kid says what the blank is wrong with you, you don't smack em upside the head for it. Read the post. I doubt very much anything physical would've happened at all if the man didn't start it.

 

[Taodeching]

Because he defended himself? Good grief.

He did more than defend himself, he went to far if this whole thing is real. He should be behind bars with hard labor for a minimum of 10 years. He should have left and let the boys mother handle it since he is not even related to the boy. The law sees an assault on a minor with no relations between the two.

Though like I said I am beginning to think this whole thing was from a troll.

If a kid says what the blank is wrong with you, you don't smack em upside the head for it. Read the post. I doubt very much anything physical would've happened at all if the man didn't start it.

Exactly, the man started the assault