Step mom troubles

[st.mom]

I've been married for just over one year, and my new husband has two kids from two previous relationships (ages 2.5 and 5). They really are wonderful kids and we all get along great, we have 'access' to them every other weekend. Their moms are definately different and I get along fine with the older child's mom really well ie communication. but NOT the younger child's mom. Anyway, that is neither here nor there of my 'problem'. I love the arrangement we have, i have the best of both worlds, meaning, one weekend with the kids and one weekend with my husband. Here's my problem, sometimes we get offered extra weekends with the oldest child (mom is married with another child now) and i have to fight with my husband over this, as I (being selfish?) would like time alone with him. He gets so mad at me for saying this, but HE is the reason I am with him. Yes I knew he had kids, but I liked the arrangement already set in place. I feel like I have to sacrifice my alone time with him often. I'm so upset right now as he just hung up the phone on me as I expressed another future 'offer' was interfering with our time. I honestly don't know what to do. I would rather be alone than be this upset by someone that married ME. Life is too short to be miserable. I am almost thinking of separating over this. If I knew back when we met, what this (my future) had entailed, no matter how wonderful he is. I would have never gotten involved. I've almost given up.
I've asked him to go to counselling with me so he can understand my point of view, but nothing has ever become of that. help?! I need coping skills?

 

[pmcleanj]

I've been married for just over one year, and ...

... I am almost thinking of separating over this. If I knew back when we met, what this (my future) had entailed, no matter how wonderful he is. I would have never gotten involved. I've almost given up.
I've asked him to go to counselling with me so he can understand my point of view, but nothing has ever become of that. help?! I need coping skills?

Ooh, the one-year-mark in a marriage is a crucial time! I've observed a lot of couples (including myself and my husband) and noted this -- sometimes a little sooner or a little later. It's when the politeness of being strangers has worn all the way off, but the comfort of having grown together over years has not yet developed. I suspect the problem with your older stepchild is just the catalyst in your discomfort. If we didn't have a real problem to help us "surface" the stress of married life, then we would have to find something else.

The first anniversary of marriage is traditionally the "paper anniversary". I take advantage of that with couples that I know to give them a copy of Harriet Goldhor Lerner's excellent book on relationships: The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Be warned, Dr. Lerner is pretty liberal by many Christians' standards, so if you tend to be socially conservative you might want to consider a different source of wisdom -- your idea of counselling is a good one. Another good book that talks about taking responsibility first for the things that you can control, is Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

The issues I struggled with when I hit the one-year mark, were also issues that my dear husband didn't understand. He wasn't willing to go to marriage counselling with me, either -- so I went alone. You can't make your husband understand you, nor can you force him to change his mind. But you can find ways to change your own actions, or your ways of communicating, or your choices, so that you are happier and more comfortable. Your marriage can't be happy while you are unhappy, because you are half of the marriage.

 

[desi]

You married the guy's kids too. For you to keep a father from his children is wrong.

 

[bliz]

So you love this guy, and you married him becasue you really want to be with him and now becasue some of your time with him will also be time with his daughter, you are thinking about having no time with him. Do I have this straight? "I love you honey, but if I can't have all the time alone with you that I want, I would rather have no time with you." Is this really your position?

What is so different about family time with him and time alone with him? The child is 5 - she will go to bed in plenty of time for the two of you to have romantic nights. Besides, time spent with a child always reveals so much about the adults. Don't you enjoy those insights into your husband's personality?

You asked if you were beig selfish. Yes, you are being selfish. You are being so selfish, that you are considering throwing away the very thing you claim to want. Which makes me wonder if you really want him, or if you really want him doing everything that you want.

To be sure, you have only given us a momentary glimpse into your life, but, IMHO it seems to me that if you want this marriage, you are gong to need to so some major attitude adjusting. Perhaps the marriage counseling would be a good idea.

 

[st.mom]

Thank you to all those who replied. I do need some of my very own 'coping' skills so counselling is a definate.

 

[Kokopelli]

I am going to be blunt here.. if the unfortunate ever occurs, where my wife and I divorce, my daughter will always come first before any woman that may enter my life. If that woman does not like it, she better know where the door is. Simpe as that. I would rather live a life of celebecy, never having another partner that even think of chosing another woman over my daughter. My view is that I can always meet another woman. But my daughter is my future, something that cannot nor will I replace.

You are being very selfish with your actions. There is no "set time" when children are involved. Your "together" time is spent around the children, welcome to parenthood. If you are not up to the task, then I would suggest major changes before those children learn to hate you.

 

[bliz]

All of this ia a major change for you, I know. Most of us who parent children grow into that position gradually... there's 9 months to get mentally ready, even though it's never long enough, it is some time!, and we start with a beautiful baby (they're all beautiful), that just takes your heart and breath and most parents are in love with their babies!

You have not had the advantage of starting from that point. This little girl, as lovely as I'm sure she is, is to you, in some ways, a little interloper! A pretended to the throne of your husband's heart! For most parents that part comes easier because you love that child, from before they are born, just as much as your spouse does. While I'm sure you are being great about the children, there is no way that you can love them as he does. Yet.

That's the ideal solution, the more I think it over. You need to fall in love with the kids. I know that flies in the face of what you are feeling now, but it seems that if that can happen, all of you will be happy.

The kids are young enough that this can really happen for you as well as for them. Forget how these little people have come into your life, they have come and you need to love them and they need to love you.

It starts with praying for a change of heart.

 

[tnpebbles]

If me and mine ever split up and he didn't come to get the kids because of his new wife, there would defiently be problems. He was a ready made family when you met him, and you accepted this. He loves his children, don't keep him away from them, you don't want the children to have hateful feelings toward you later in life. I pray that you have a change of heart.