Staying pure, taking a step back -I need advice !!!

JennaPr9

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My boyfriend and I are both Christians and both desiring to honour God. We have vowed to not have sex until we get married. When we are cuddling together he gets pretty physical. I have talked about boundaries with my boyfriend and he explained to me that everything he does to me is done out of love and not lust... and that is how he justifies being so physical I think. However, I feel we have gone too far. We have been naked together. He touches me down there. He grinds against me (with his boxers on, but still!). I have asked him about this before and we discussed how the bible does not say anything against such acts, and that the only act that is a sin is lust and sex. But I still feel that we are not honouring God by what we are doing...my boyfriend would say otherwise though. He thinks I’m on the same page as him currently but I am now coming to the conclusion that we need to take a step back until we get married. Am I right in trying to take a step back physically? How do I approach talking to him about this respectfully and nicely? I need help and assurance, people.

Oh and can someone point out some Bible verses regarding boundaries I can use when talking to him? I appreciate all the advice I can get thanks
 
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Yeah that sounds like pretty close contact. You are fully in the right and he should lay off. Be upfront and tell him that the contact is too sexual and that you would feel comfortable if you both toned it down. If he is someone you are thinking about marrying, he should respect this boundary. What's wrong with kissing each other?
 
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Serving Zion

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My boyfriend and I are both Christians and both desiring to honour God. We have vowed to not have sex until we get married. When we are cuddling together he gets pretty physical. I have talked about boundaries with my boyfriend and he explained to me that everything he does to me is done out of love and not lust... and that is how he justifies being so physical I think. However, I feel we have gone too far. We have been naked together. He touches me down there. He grinds against me (with his boxers on, but still!). I have asked him about this before and we discussed how the bible does not say anything against such acts, and that the only act that is a sin is lust and sex. But I still feel that we are not honouring God by what we are doing...my boyfriend would say otherwise though. He thinks I’m on the same page as him currently but I am now coming to the conclusion that we need to take a step back until we get married. Am I right in trying to take a step back physically? How do I approach talking to him about this respectfully and nicely? I need help and assurance, people.

Oh and can someone point out some Bible verses regarding boundaries I can use when talking to him? I appreciate all the advice I can get thanks
1 Corinthians 7:36 seems best for you. How come you're not married already? It's not the sort of behaviour that people normally do together unless they're married (or of a different culture altogether).
 
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You are right in insisting on backing off. What you describe is way too far. (Not that I was that much different during our engagement :( )

The thing is when you are together the hormones can take over the thought process and self control can become very difficult. It is different for different people though. Someone with a higher libido usually had the more difficult time with it.

A few questions: (you can just answer in your own mind - we don’t need to know)

1 Are you engaged yet?
2 Have either (or both) of you “finished” (orgasmed) during those times?
3 How old are both of you?

If your answer to 3 is over 20, and your answer to 1 is yes, GET MARRIED ASAP.

If your to 2 is yes, understand you are already starting to forge the “one flesh” relationship that is reserved for marriage.

If your answer to 1 is no, then either change that to a yes (get engaged and set a date) or break off the relationship. Going backward from where you are is extremely difficult and many would say impossible.
 
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JennaPr9

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1 Corinthians 7:36 seems best for you. How come you're not married already? It's not the sort of behaviour that people normally do together unless they're married (or of a different culture altogether).
Thanks for the reply:) I appreciate it. We're not married yet because we are only 19 and still in college -not financially stable
 
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JennaPr9

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How long has he been your boyfriend? Do you have a ring/marriage proposal? About how old are the two of you? Yes, you need to step back and slow way down before it is too late! I don't understand his reasoning at all, because whatever makes you uncomfortable to do he should not do it. Save things for your honeymoon.
Thanks for replying! We're 19. Only been dating 7 months. Yea, I think his intentions are innocent but it's easy to go further than we intend in the moment.
 
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Thanks for the reply:) I appreciate it. We're not married yet because we are only 19 and still in college -not financially stable
I think that shouldn't stop you from being married, especially if your relationship is calling for it.
 
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I can see that you are really hurting inside, Jenna. I just really sympathise for you in this situation, because you know that there is a good reason to devote yourself to only one man (and from reading your other posts, I think you have understood why that is), but the way that the world is these days, where you can't just "leave your mother and father and cleave to your husband", but you've got to wade through a world of debauchery and godlessness first.. and here you have found companionship in a person who is able to really touch your soul, and he's found a special place in your heart.. and you've come to a point of intimacy where there is now some resentment toward the morality that you know is God's way.. and here now you are, simply stuck. I don't know what value there is in saying the obvious, that being naked and kissing is only ever appropriate for a husband and wife, and yet if you are already treating each other that way, then you may as well consider yourself married already because the only outcome of not believing yourself to be married, is that you believe yourself free to marry another person.. but you know that you have already been naked and intimate with another man, so that's an aspect of virginity that you can't offer to any other person now.

I guess, the real point of view in this, is to say "what is marriage?" .. it is only a formality of vows, and as I see it, the same as Abraham's vow to God, that circumcision was a seal of the formality, but the actual vow came into effect on the day of his decision ("by faith it was counted to him as righteousness, not by the works").

.. and a marriage is a partnership for life. It isn't right to go thinking that two people need to be financially stable before getting married, because you work together to carry each other through thick and through thin. Did you really mean to say that you both haven't saved enough cash to throw a proper marriage party? .. because there are ways to do it without huge costs, and by doing it all yourself you get to have all the fun and take lots of photos of the preparations for a photo album that makes good stories for your kids :)
 
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My boyfriend and I are both Christians and both desiring to honour God. We have vowed to not have sex until we get married. When we are cuddling together he gets pretty physical. I have talked about boundaries with my boyfriend and he explained to me that everything he does to me is done out of love and not lust... and that is how he justifies being so physical I think. However, I feel we have gone too far. We have been naked together. He touches me down there. He grinds against me (with his boxers on, but still!). I have asked him about this before and we discussed how the bible does not say anything against such acts, and that the only act that is a sin is lust and sex. But I still feel that we are not honouring God by what we are doing...my boyfriend would say otherwise though. He thinks I’m on the same page as him currently but I am now coming to the conclusion that we need to take a step back until we get married. Am I right in trying to take a step back physically? How do I approach talking to him about this respectfully and nicely? I need help and assurance, people.

Oh and can someone point out some Bible verses regarding boundaries I can use when talking to him? I appreciate all the advice I can get thanks


Take a step back - by your description above you are entering dangerous territory with how close you two have already become. I know how hard it can be to say “no” and/or “stop” to a man whom you love so much but, allowing him to get that close to you is only intensifying his desire to do more. Don’t lay down with him, absolutely do not take your clothes off with him and do not put yourself in ANY position where his hormones and yours could get the better of either of you; even if this means eliminating kissing and/or touching in any way.

Deception is a slow fade—meaning this- what seems “harmless enough” or “not all the way” can lead to more and more with each step coming closer to what you do not want to happen. (Which you have already experienced). Your conscience is clearly bothering you and you need to pay attention to God's leading. You have to practice self-control and more than that it’s ultimately YOUR decision and no amount of scripture quoting or otherwise is going to convince another person what not to do.

Your boyfriend will clearly debate you on every side -he already has- by what you have said above in his previous responses to you. Those are warning flags honey and you need to pay attention to that. This is not necessarily because he’s a bad guy but, because he is young, immature in his faith and speaking out of his fleshly desire. Every time you allow him close to you in the manners you have described above you are tempting that (for both of you). Don’t tempt him or yourself. You absolutely can control that- simply say no and mean it – regardless of his reaction to your boundaries. You have to be firm in who YOU are in Christ and what YOU believe.

With regard to the scriptures, you asked for- I think what would help you more is if you yourself read these scriptures as opposed to trying to use them to convince his heart – you need to make sure they are part of YOUR heart and in this way, you will become stronger.

Also, it would be a good idea to talk to a woman who is older than you (your mom, a pastor’s wife etc.) someone who is experienced in their walk, someone you trust, but, ensure they are a solid Christian woman who can help you, encourage you and lead you wisely with advice. Another suggestion is to read a few of the books listed below they too will help you.

Be strong and make this a priority in your relationship. If this young man does not go “with you” on this path of learning and resistance to temptation then no matter how much you love him he is not the boy for you.

Stay blessed my friend! :)

Suggested Scriptures: Proverbs 31: 10-31; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:3

Suggested Books: (You can purchase all these on Amazon )
1. Purity Under Pressure: A Young Woman's Guide To Staying Pure
2. Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World
3. Perfectly Unique: Praising God from Head to Foot
4. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship
5. Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control
6. When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships
7. Set-Apart Femininity: God's Sacred Intent for Every Young Woman
 
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Kit Sigmon

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My boyfriend and I are both Christians and both desiring to honour God. We have vowed to not have sex until we get married. When we are cuddling together he gets pretty physical. I have talked about boundaries with my boyfriend and he explained to me that everything he does to me is done out of love and not lust... and that is how he justifies being so physical I think. However, I feel we have gone too far. We have been naked together. He touches me down there. He grinds against me (with his boxers on, but still!). I have asked him about this before and we discussed how the bible does not say anything against such acts, and that the only act that is a sin is lust and sex.



But I still feel that we are not honouring God by what we are doing...my boyfriend would say otherwise though. He thinks I’m on the same page as him currently but I am now coming to the conclusion that we need to take a step back until we get married. Am I right in trying to take a step back physically? How do I approach talking to him about this respectfully and nicely? I need help and assurance, people.

Oh and can someone point out some Bible verses regarding boundaries I can use when talking to him? I appreciate all the advice I can get thanks

Talking about boundaries and not enforcing them means nothing.
If you have said no sexual touching, no removing of clothing and
if you attempt this, I will: slap your face, leave, stop seeing you etc.
If that doesn't happen, he knows you're just talking junk.
You now know this... because the two of you been doing sexual
things together for awhile now and you know that's for marriage and
singles should flee temptation, avoid putting themselves in compromising
situations/positions etc.
When you keep being alone together or going off together to places where
you can have these little sexual acts, then you setting yourselves up to fail..
and one day you both end up having actual sexual intercourse... all this
foreplay will cause you to desire/lust for more intimate contact, what you
all be doing is lusting, fanning the flames of desire and that be a snare to
you both... boundaries were talked about and you all still doing sexual
playing and lusting...he can call it what he wants, but it's still lust in
action...sexual foreplaying stirs up lust, passion, sexual desires etc.

You can talk about boundaries until you be blue in the face, that will do
no good, you need to enforce boundaries, like, no sexual touching and if you
do that I'm slapping your face and leaving or I won't be going or being with
you where we can be alone, all dates will be out in public areas we can meet
up at.
The godly are to practice godly living...sexual foreplay don't lead to godly
living...it leads into further sin and compromise.

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