staying in a marriage where spouse is violent on a regular basis?

[Yoona86]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

 

[Zoii]

It makes me shudder that he has to be won over in the first place. Violence in men, directed at their spouses is criminal and should never have countenance in christianity

 

[salt-n-light]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

It is not wise to stay with someone that would endanger your life in hopes that you can change him or win him over to Christ. You can't. Only God can.

If a marriage is becoming too violent of an environment for you to fulfill your duty as a wife, that is grounds for a divorce. But I would first suggest to have a christian marriage counselor be a mediator for diving into the roots of the hostility, since I figured that that never manifested before you got married to him.

But pray about it and discern the situation.

 

[Take Heart]

I think there are certain things (Like sexual immorality) that are legit grounds for divorce. I can't imagine that being God's will for someone to endure on a daily basis. He has called us to love and love the wife Like the Church. They need to remove themselves immediately from that situation but also make sure they have a support network that they can confide in to let them know what's going on. And to have the resources (phone numbers) of places and people to call to get them the help, protection, and shelter they need.

 

[Tolworth John]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

Its a load of rubbish, pay no attention to that Christian.

Use marriage guidance and anger management courses, as well as councelling from his minister to him.
If he won't confront his violence and change, leave.

 

[Basil the Great]

Never..... Ever.... Never....... Life is too short as it is and there is no excuse to remain with an habitual spousal abuser. Any Christian who recommends that a woman stay with a guy under these circumstances is an idiot.

 

[WolfGate]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

IMHO, that is unwise and naïve advice by the person you heard say it. While it might work that way in the very rarest of cases, it exposes the abused to pain, damage and potential death in all of the cases. Abuse is sin in every case - absorbing the abuse is never biblical submission or evangelism.

A better route would be for the abused to take steps to protect themselves. Proverbs 27:12 A prudent person forsees evil and hides himself.

Also, the abuse needs to be exposed. If that is through a trusted church leadership or the authorities, whatever is best path for that situation. Ephesians 5:11 Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.

The abuser should also have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows that also shall he reap.

My experience has been that the abuser will continue on that path and not confront their sin as long as they have control over their spouse and are not being held accountable by the church or society. On the other hand, if forced to confront their sin (and the lose of reputation) by the church or the courts, that personal crisis in some cases forces them to confront that they are sinning and the consequences of their sin.

Now, which do you think is more likely to result in them understanding they are broken, sinful, in need of their Savior and should drive for repentance? Being able to freely continue abuse because the spouse is silent and hopes being a vessel for their sin will make them confront it or being directly confronted by others who can clearly point out the evil they are doing?

 

[SkyWriting]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

It is much easier to love violent people if they are in jail.

 

[Danoh]

in hope of winning him over with love from Christ?

i recently heard this Christian made this statement.

thanks

Years ago, while helping out an older individual with some errand, he brought along two grandchildren. Both were very ill-behaved.

Later, he apologized for how they had carried on and explained that they had no parents, and began to tell me their story.

Their mom: his daughter, had been murdered by their dad right before their eyes.

Later, their dad took his own life.

As the man told me all this, he broke down...

He went on to relate that his other children had disowned him. Because every time his daughter had wanted to leave her violent husband, this man would go on about how that would not be right in God's eyes...

The two boys ended up in and out of trouble with law enforcement...

One day, while they were both locked up in different jails, one of them took his own life.

Such had been the impact of that "good Christian advice" all those years earlier.

A friend of mine had a sister who ended up being abused by her husband.

We both went over there, helped her pack, and got her out of there.

Took her several years to find her way back to herself after that nightmare; but she did.

Today, years later, she and her two now grown off-spring are just fine.

To this very day, her ex has yet to amount to anything resembling "useful."

May your choice this new year be not only a wise one, but one supported by people in your life who care enough to put your best interests ahead of their own.

Rom. 5: 6-8.

 

[HannahT]

Its a load of rubbish, pay no attention to that Christian.

Use marriage guidance and anger management courses, as well as councelling from his minister to him.
If he won't confront his violence and change, leave.

I would leave, and then look to help afterwards. The person has already shown their violent side. It's not safe to stay at this point. Chances are you will get a quick 'sorry' and a show of repentance...yet that doesn't ensure your safety. Safety is first, and then you see if the person is truly capable of helping themselves. It won't be a quick fix, and shouldn't be pushed. Although the harming spouse will push for that anyway.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Abusers don't change. Period.

 

[RaymondG]

Interesting how many people have judged that this has to be a situation where a man hits a woman....when no gender was given in the OP......as if it is not likely or possibly for it to be the other way around.

Also interesting how so many people talk about how the word is literal and literally God breathe.....yet find their way out of certain commands when they feel, like it. Jesus said that adultery was the only reason to put one aside......But when it comes to a touchy topic like this, we go by what we feel God would want or what he would allow outside of what he said.


As for me....I would advise the spouse to save themself first, before trying to save the other....

 

[WolfGate]

Interesting how many people have judged that this has to be a situation where a man hits a woman....when no gender was given in the OP......as if it is not likely or possibly for it to be the other way around.

Also interesting how so many people talk about how the word is literal and literally God breathe.....yet find their way out of certain commands when they feel, like it. Jesus said that adultery was the only reason to put one aside......But when it comes to a touchy topic like this, we go by what we feel God would want or what he would allow outside of what he said.


As for me....I would advise the spouse to save themself first, before trying to save the other....

Gender was given in the OP. "...in hopes of winning him over...".

Still, I made my initial response genderless because yes, abuse can go both ways. Also why I used God's word directly and limited advice to that.

 

[Take Heart]

Interesting how many people have judged that this has to be a situation where a man hits a woman....when no gender was given in the OP......as if it is not likely or possibly for it to be the other way around.

Also interesting how so many people talk about how the word is literal and literally God breathe.....yet find their way out of certain commands when they feel, like it. Jesus said that adultery was the only reason to put one aside......But when it comes to a touchy topic like this, we go by what we feel God would want or what he would allow outside of what he said.


As for me....I would advise the spouse to save themself first, before trying to save the other....

OP did mention 'in hopes of winning him over.' Which is what clued me in as well as the majority of assuming this was the husband they were referring to.

 

[HannahT]

In the end it really doesn't matter the gender. It would be the same advice. I mean what would be different? You get yourself out of danger first!

 

[RaymondG]

Gender was given in the OP. "...in hopes of winning him over...".

Still, I made my initial response genderless because yes, abuse can go both ways. Also why I used God's word directly and limited advice to that.

I see it now..........however with all the new laws being passed now.....can we still say we are certain?

I agree with the poster who said the advice would be the same regardless of gender.

 

[All4Christ]

Nothing regarding the type of violence was explained in the OP, so I’m assuming this is significant physical violence - though much would be similar no matter what form of violence. (Please note that I am not a licensed counselor - though I was trained in the field - and I am not a pastor, but this is what I would try to do if I ever experienced this again.)

1. Pray, pray, pray
2. Get out of the line of danger. (If you have kids, don’t wait to go to family or a shelter. It no longer is a choice for just your safety).
3. Confide in your pastor or church leader. It the spouse is a part of the church, the pastor / priest / elders should follow the pattern of discipline given by Christ.
4. Separation for safety is important. Depending on the severity, you may decide to meet with a licensed counselor who is experienced in situations of marital abuse. A Christian counselor would be ideal; however, make sure they know the nuances of how to handle violence and abuse. This isn’t a judgment for grounds of divorce - but is purely about safety. This is a practical reaction, not a decision about divorce or reconciliation.

On the other hand, some abusers will manipulate and hurt people psychologically in any time they meet - and at times even stalk the abused spouse. Other times, the abused may not yet be in a place where he or she can meet with the abuser without further psychological damage. My advice is a general rule that may be inappropriate depending on the level of violence and psychological abuse.
5. If participating in counseling, meet at the location of the counseling session. Don’t go back home just because the spouse is willing to go to counseling.
6. Be cautious in what you do. Ask for advice from the counselor and your pastor. Know that God cares for you and does not want you to be hurt violently or psychologically. If He cares for the sparrow so much, how much more does He care for you? Trust Him, but also do your part in keeping yourself and most of all your children safe. It isn’t your fault - far from it - but it isn’t good to just stay in the situation, especially with children. I know it is easier said than done. I know from experience, albeit not physical. However, God will be your comfort, your friends and family will hopefully help, and your church is also there to help.

Prayers for you!

 

[Basil the Great]

Abusers don't change. Period.

Sadly, I believe that this is usually the case. Most of these guys were bullies when they were growing up. Many were abused by their father. It is a cycle of violence that is very difficult to break. Can it be done? Yes, almost anything is possible, but we are talking here about a very serious matter, especially with an habitual abuser. To remain in an attempt to change him could result in severe physical harm to the woman and/or children.

 

[All4Christ]

<snip>...especially with an habitual abuser. To remain in an attempt to change him could result in severe physical harm to the woman and/or children.

It often isn’t just physical harm, but also long lasting psychological effects and self esteem, far longer than many physical effects. Psychological and sexual abuse also often have similar long term effects, even when it is before marriage.

 

[Basil the Great]

It often isn’t just physical harm, but also long lasting psychological effects and self esteem, far longer than many physical effects. Psychological and sexual abuse also often have similar long term effects, even when it is before marriage.

Yes, All4Christ. I apologize for ignoring the psychological harm. Your point is well taken. Even if an abuser never gives really serious beatings, he is still causing psychological harm with a milder form of physical abuse and not just against the woman, but the children as well. Hence, staying with an abuser for year after year is problematical at best, even if one's life is not in danger.