stay with cheating husband

[ANGELA CHERRY]

Hello all, i really have no idea what to do, im kinda frozen in indecision. My husband and I went through a trial separation in September after i discovered he had had an affair with the nanny (i know cliche) so after he said he would go to counseling and never do it again and he would change, i moved back home in December. Well after a few suspicions i checked his phone and he is sitll cheating on me, in fact it is with multiple women. i am devastated. i don't know what to do. i do know that this marriage is over since he messed up this 2nd chance i gave him. yet i dont want to confront him yet. this is going to sound so stupid but we have 4 boys and 1 daughter. we have travel plans already set for Disney wold this summer and i dont want to ruin that for them. also he is helping me get my finances/credit score back up so right now i dont have the finances or score to get a place on my own. he said i would be debt free in a few months. so im thinking can i stay with him and act like everything is fine for a few months for my kids sake and so i can prepare.

 

[tampasteve]

I would start with going to a Christian family and marriage counselor, perhaps without him, so you can explain this to someone that can give you solid good advice from a separate perspective.

My personal opinion as someone that was cheated on multiple times during the marriage, forgive, repeat, forgive, repeat three times....each time it was promised it would be the last. I would not stay, but then we did not have kids. Vacations are fun, money is good, but in the end this type of relationship will be toxic to your life, your conscious and your family. At a minimum I would confront him and let him know, but explain about the kids, vacation, etc. You can pretend it is OK for their sake if you wish. However, how long does that go on? Summer vacation, then start of school, then Christmas....there will always be reasons to delay the inevitable.

 

[Ancient of Days]

"I don't know what to do."

Yes you do, your just struggling with the courage to carry it through. GOD WILL PROVIDE ALL OF YOUR NEEDS. Right now you have two choices, its either FAITH or FEAR. Which will you choose? If you need to stay a few more months to get things ironed out, I don't think anyone here would deny you that. But as always, check your motives...

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Hello all, i really have no idea what to do, im kinda frozen in indecision. My husband and I went through a trial separation in September after i discovered he had had an affair with the nanny (i know cliche) so after he said he would go to counseling and never do it again and he would change, i moved back home in December. Well after a few suspicions i checked his phone and he is sitll cheating on me, in fact it is with multiple women. i am devastated. i don't know what to do. i do know that this marriage is over since he messed up this 2nd chance i gave him. yet i dont want to confront him yet. this is going to sound so stupid but we have 4 boys and 1 daughter. we have travel plans already set for Disney wold this summer and i dont want to ruin that for them. also he is helping me get my finances/credit score back up so right now i dont have the finances or score to get a place on my own. he said i would be debt free in a few months. so im thinking can i stay with him and act like everything is fine for a few months for my kids sake and so i can prepare.

Hi sounds like you two have been together for a while since you have 5 kids and divorce is a sticky manner but by law most states you would get half of the assets and that should get you out of debt as well and he would have to pay spousal and child support. If you stay you should tell him you know about the other affairs and stop sleeping with him 100%. Perhaps he will feel his guilt and get some help but he needs some immediate consequences for his actions. Perhaps you could ask him to leave too. Its time to talk to a pastor and a lawyer.

 

[RaymondG]

First thing you will need to do is forgive him. This is help you greatly in your life moving forward. Second, decide for yourself what you want for yourself. If you want a relationship with someone who cheats....have a relationship with someone who cheats. If you want a relationship with someone who loves, respects and cherishes you....go have a relationship with someone who loves respects and cherishes you. It is up to you. Once you figure out your desires...if you believe, God will give you the desires of your heart.

Now for your second proposal....you cannot link your actions to the actions of others....You cant say He did this, so it is ok for me to do that. We must always remember to do to others what you want done to us. So the plan is to pretend, so that we can gain financial advantage and a trip for kids. I see nothing wrong with is. you will just have to understand that, one day, you will also be tricked out of finances for the advantage of someone else who is pretending as well. Either way, like above, you have to decide what you want for yourself.....I see no fault in which ever you choose.

 

[Hotinco]

First I am so sorry you have to go through this. The broken trust in a marriage is so painful and leaves behind such devastation. There is a reason God made divorce permissible in these cases.

I understand your concerns for the future and not wanting to end things right now. We have advised people in similar situations and it is never easy.

Start with talking to your marriage counselor alone about this, they will often layout a plan to reveal this in a joint session to help control the situation. I would not personally recommend to anyone waiting 6 months.

Here are some things to keep in mind. No matter when you let your husband know it will create a situation that will need to be dealt with. Obviously you can make some plans in advance i.e. divorce attorney, plans for the kids living situation, etc. In these case we often recommend sending the kids away for the weekend ( grandmas house, or friends) then telling the spouse the first night to give everyone time to decompress before the kids come home.

If you are not telling your husband until August does that mean you will be sleeping with him while he is sleeping around? This puts you at risk for STD's and pregnancy ( no matter how careful you are it happens) if not how long before he catches on something is up, when you want nothing to do with him

The kids always figure out something is up, you are not doing them any favors by delaying. They will be living in this world of the unknown waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If this is truly waiting for the Disney trip, you can always go with out him or he can go and you split the time with the kids (him staying in separate accommodations). For the financial aspect, this is best discussed with your attorney and or financial adviser. You should not have to leave the primary home. I can't speak for you home state but most courts try to keep things as normal for the kids as possible. Legal separation may be an short term option while you work out the details. Most courts in a legal separation case would have him move out. He would still a financial responsible and it gives you time to work out the long term plans.

Regardless of all that you need counseling, preferable a faith based counselor to talk through your pain with. This will impact you in ways you can't even imaging right now, talking with a counselor now will help set your success for the future you.

 

[meyerjd]

I've remained married to my wife through two affairs and a pregnancy/abortion caused by a friend of mine who happened to be a pastor in the evangelical free church. I treasure the time I am able to spend with our two children. At the same time, my career comes with a very demanding schedule and my wife takes care of their needs when I am occupied at work. My wife and I no longer have much of a relationship but do ok in raising our children. So for now, we are married and plan on staying that way.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So you can stay with him when you know you want to leave, and you can get your debt down and your vacation, but is that the type of relationship you want to model for your children? Where the kids see whatever goes in a relationship as long as bills are paid and vacations are good enough? Because when it all comes down to it, if that’s the only reason you’re staying then you can attempt to get a settlement that covers the debt he promised to help with, and Disney will always be there.

Don’t waste your life and your kids lives to wait for the perfect time to leave if leaving is truly what you want. And on the flip side, if you want to stay, get to fixing it now. Every moment you wait is another chance you could get an STD, the women he’s with could get pregnant, or he could drain all your accounts, leave you with nothing, including a choice on what to do.

 

[Christian_Follower]

My heart goes out to you... really not sure what to say because divorce is not what God wants yet in a adulterous affair is allowed yet you must remain single unless wholeness can be made with your husband (if possible)... just know God is not far from you, and will help you, as will those who are placed in your path by His hand (hugs)