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tulc
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Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when
he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound
achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian
bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill
Livingston would have done it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better
they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it
would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.
ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper
playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are
creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men
down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the
pipes ring out.
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For
heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"
Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National
Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
A. They have seat belts and an air bag.
Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can
play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays
beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and
banjo....
Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So
he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the
other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and
asks the octopus whats wrong.
"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"
he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound
achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian
bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill
Livingston would have done it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better
they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it
would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.
ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper
playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are
creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men
down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the
pipes ring out.
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For
heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"
Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National
Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
A. They have seat belts and an air bag.
Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can
play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays
beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and
banjo....
Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So
he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the
other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and
asks the octopus whats wrong.
"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"
Upvote
0
I like bagpipes, but that is hilarious.
I have a friend who is a bagpiper, I'll have to send this to him.
I have a friend who is a bagpiper, I'll have to send this to him.
Upvote
0
tulc
loves "SO'S YER MOM!! posts!
670 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Beast Common Denominator
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
Beast1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Postcode of the Beast
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Target price of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666I BMW of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbour of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Beast Common Denominator
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
Beast1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Postcode of the Beast
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Target price of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666I BMW of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbour of the Beast
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tulc
loves "SO'S YER MOM!! posts!
The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until
they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a
Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with
his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until
they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a
Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in
enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with
his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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tulc
loves "SO'S YER MOM!! posts!
Just How Many Does It Take?
**Miscellaneous**
How many surealist artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
>Four-one to hold the giraffe and two to put the clocks back in the bathtub
How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?
The bulb cannot be changed, for once it has turned to the dark side,
forever will it dominate its destiny.
How many Japanese businessmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty: one to change the light bulb and nineteen more to see how the Americans do it so they can do it better
How many American businessmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty one: one to change the light bulb and fifty to try to figure out why the Japanese are doing it so much better than they are.
How many martial artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven: one to change the bulb and ten more to say "That's not how they teach it in MY style!"
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't ask me now - Mercury's retrograde!
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
Six-one to change the light bulb and five more to complain that "I bet the light bulbs never burnt out back in the days when prayer was allowed in school!"
How many techno geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb?
How many Psychic Friends does it take to change a light bulb?
For only $2.95 a minute, I can tell you when the light bulb will be
changed, who will change it, and the name of the brand of the new light bulb, as well as how long the new bulb will last.
How many politically correct politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he must check to make sure that there won't be anyone offended by the loss of darkness.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends-what do you want it changed into?
How many members of the Bush administraition does it take to change a light bulb?
7. One to buy the light bulb for $1000 from a government contractor (who happens to run a company that the vice president was once a CEO for),
one to explain why giving tax cuts to the rich will solve the problem, one to determine what color the national darkness level should be until the situation is resolved,
one to distract the nation's attention from the failing economy, high level of unemployment, and current military conflicts and instead focus on such critical issues as gay marraige and abortion,
one to classify or destory any information that might hurt the image of the light bulb industry,
one to screw in the lightbulb,
and one to screw the taxpayers.
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,030. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light bulb has been changed, 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently, 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs, 53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange off list or to another e-mail list, 203 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list, 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty, 27 to post websites where one can see examples of different light bulbs and get more information, 14 to post that some of the websites were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected site address, 3 to post about links they found from the websitess that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list, 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too.", 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they are annoyed about how people go on about something as trivial as changing light bulbs, 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three", 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, and 1 to propose a new mailing list dedicated
exclusively to light bulbs.
How many Vikings does it take to change a light bulb?
13: 12 to man the oars and 1 to find out where to steal another lightbulb.
OR
None, the light from the burning monestary will do nicely.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?
21: 1 to change the bulb and 20 to drink beer until the room spins.
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
24: 1 to change the bulb, 3 to do the fund raising, 2 to sell T-shirts, 5
to put up flyers reminding everyone of the light bulb changing event, 3 to give everyone a "courtesy call" to remind them of the duties they signed up for, and and 10 to stand around clapping their hands.
How many honest politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many Major Arcana does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them!
0) The Fool has already started before anyone else is ready.
1) The Magician assembles an array of objects that might be needed, displays
them to best advantage and starts discussing how to go about it.
2) The High Priestess sits in the background, knowing one thing is missing
but says nothing.
3) The Empress fusses around making sure it is safe and nobody gets hurt.
4) The Emperor tells everyone he thinks it should be done right now and
starts delegating responsibilities.
5) The Hierophant offers advice on the missing part after consulting with
the High Priestess.
6) The Lovers umm and ahh about what wattage bulb to put in this time.
7) The Chariot charges in and starts doing it himself regardless of the
others' protests.
8) Strength surreptitiously places what's needed into Chariot's hands and
gets it done her way.
9) The Hermit suggests a candle in a lamp would provide light in the
meantime.
10) The Wheel of Fortune laughs and reminds everyone that the light will
need changing again in the future.
11) Justice works out whose turn it is to change the light and whether the
division of labor is being delegated fairly.
12) The Hanged Man sits back and contemplates how darkness can change our
lives.
13) Death points out mournfully that this was bound to happen and how
everything ends.
14) Temperance tells Death to chill out, it all evens up in the end.
15) The Devil tries to blame the Hanged Man for causing the light to blow
and creates bad feelings all round.
16) The Tower suddenly starts ripping out the original light fitting so he
can create a whole new more basic look.
17) The Star marvels at new beginnings and says how much she's looking
forward to having the light working again.
18) The Moon continually offers conflicting advice, confusing everyone until
he wanders off to the relief of all.
19) The Sun wants to redesign the whole room around a much brighter light.
20) Judgment examines the globe to see whether it truly was its time to blow
and ponders whether the globe can be recycled.
21) The World suggests that any problems with the light are temporary: we
had light once, we will have it again, and suggests focusing on the bigger
picture.
Meanwhile, the Fool has already finished changing the light bulb and is off
doing his own thing.
**Gamers**
How many role playing gamers does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: One to change the light bulb and seven more to say "OK, here's how my character would have done it."
How many game masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but who here wants their character to live? (GM flashes an evil grin while pointing at burnt out light bulb)
How many rules lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty three: One to change the light bulb and 22 to say "that's not what it says in the rulebook!"
How many role playing game makers does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven: One to change the light bulb and ten more to say "In MY game system you would have had to make a skill check at this difficulty level."
**Music**
How many grungers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they'd rather just sit around and complain.
How many gangster rappers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to change the bulb and four more to blame "the Man" for causing the bulb to go out.
How many Alternative musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
101: One to change the light bulb and 100 to see how everyone else is doing it so they can do it that way, too!
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen-one to change the light bulb and fourteen more to say "That was pretty good-but can you do this?" (insert three minute guitar solo here)
How many bassists or keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
Huh? Was somebody talking to me? I don't know. I'll ask the singer or the guitarist.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
6: One to change the light bulb and 5 to say how much better Neil Pert would have done it.
How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it matter? They all need their own spotlight anyway.
How many New-age musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't use light bulbs-we just focus energy into our crystals and make them glow
How many Goth rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Darkness is cool!
How many teen pop idols does it take to change a light bulb?
One-but they just hold up the light bulb and let the world revolve around them.
**Religious**
How many Asatru does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how many allies you have at the Assembly.
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. They then pray the light bulb will be the one that has been chosen to be changed.
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one for each quarter.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want the message of light to continue, then send in your donation of $50 or more today.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.
How many traditionalist pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't use light bulbs. Fire was good enough for our ancestors, its good enough for us!
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: one to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much better they liked the old one.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
21: one to change the light bulb, ten to form a committee, and ten to organize the potluck.
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or sing a song about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
How many Dianic feminist Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen: one to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and eleven to do a self-criticism afterwords.
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
How many youth Pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
Only God knows, for if a light bulb burns out it is the will of Allah, and only He will determine if, when, and how many people replace the light bulb.
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109: Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance committee meeting. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business
Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store doesn't hire homosexuals, non-Christians, feminists, or pro-choicers. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
How many Satanists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. LET DARKNESS REIGN!"
How many Gardenarians does it take to change a light bulb?
I can neither confirm nor deny that Gardenarians change light bulbs, or even if they use them.
OR
I can not tell you-that's a third degree secret
OR
(stern tone) Why do you want to know, initiate?
**Miscellaneous**
How many surealist artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
>Four-one to hold the giraffe and two to put the clocks back in the bathtub
How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?
The bulb cannot be changed, for once it has turned to the dark side,
forever will it dominate its destiny.
How many Japanese businessmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty: one to change the light bulb and nineteen more to see how the Americans do it so they can do it better
How many American businessmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty one: one to change the light bulb and fifty to try to figure out why the Japanese are doing it so much better than they are.
How many martial artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven: one to change the bulb and ten more to say "That's not how they teach it in MY style!"
How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't ask me now - Mercury's retrograde!
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
Six-one to change the light bulb and five more to complain that "I bet the light bulbs never burnt out back in the days when prayer was allowed in school!"
How many techno geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb?
How many Psychic Friends does it take to change a light bulb?
For only $2.95 a minute, I can tell you when the light bulb will be
changed, who will change it, and the name of the brand of the new light bulb, as well as how long the new bulb will last.
How many politically correct politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he must check to make sure that there won't be anyone offended by the loss of darkness.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends-what do you want it changed into?
How many members of the Bush administraition does it take to change a light bulb?
7. One to buy the light bulb for $1000 from a government contractor (who happens to run a company that the vice president was once a CEO for),
one to explain why giving tax cuts to the rich will solve the problem, one to determine what color the national darkness level should be until the situation is resolved,
one to distract the nation's attention from the failing economy, high level of unemployment, and current military conflicts and instead focus on such critical issues as gay marraige and abortion,
one to classify or destory any information that might hurt the image of the light bulb industry,
one to screw in the lightbulb,
and one to screw the taxpayers.
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,030. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light bulb has been changed, 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently, 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs, 53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange off list or to another e-mail list, 203 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list, 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty, 27 to post websites where one can see examples of different light bulbs and get more information, 14 to post that some of the websites were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected site address, 3 to post about links they found from the websitess that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list, 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too.", 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they are annoyed about how people go on about something as trivial as changing light bulbs, 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three", 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, and 1 to propose a new mailing list dedicated
exclusively to light bulbs.
How many Vikings does it take to change a light bulb?
13: 12 to man the oars and 1 to find out where to steal another lightbulb.
OR
None, the light from the burning monestary will do nicely.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?
21: 1 to change the bulb and 20 to drink beer until the room spins.
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
24: 1 to change the bulb, 3 to do the fund raising, 2 to sell T-shirts, 5
to put up flyers reminding everyone of the light bulb changing event, 3 to give everyone a "courtesy call" to remind them of the duties they signed up for, and and 10 to stand around clapping their hands.
How many honest politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many Major Arcana does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them!
0) The Fool has already started before anyone else is ready.
1) The Magician assembles an array of objects that might be needed, displays
them to best advantage and starts discussing how to go about it.
2) The High Priestess sits in the background, knowing one thing is missing
but says nothing.
3) The Empress fusses around making sure it is safe and nobody gets hurt.
4) The Emperor tells everyone he thinks it should be done right now and
starts delegating responsibilities.
5) The Hierophant offers advice on the missing part after consulting with
the High Priestess.
6) The Lovers umm and ahh about what wattage bulb to put in this time.
7) The Chariot charges in and starts doing it himself regardless of the
others' protests.
8) Strength surreptitiously places what's needed into Chariot's hands and
gets it done her way.
9) The Hermit suggests a candle in a lamp would provide light in the
meantime.
10) The Wheel of Fortune laughs and reminds everyone that the light will
need changing again in the future.
11) Justice works out whose turn it is to change the light and whether the
division of labor is being delegated fairly.
12) The Hanged Man sits back and contemplates how darkness can change our
lives.
13) Death points out mournfully that this was bound to happen and how
everything ends.
14) Temperance tells Death to chill out, it all evens up in the end.
15) The Devil tries to blame the Hanged Man for causing the light to blow
and creates bad feelings all round.
16) The Tower suddenly starts ripping out the original light fitting so he
can create a whole new more basic look.
17) The Star marvels at new beginnings and says how much she's looking
forward to having the light working again.
18) The Moon continually offers conflicting advice, confusing everyone until
he wanders off to the relief of all.
19) The Sun wants to redesign the whole room around a much brighter light.
20) Judgment examines the globe to see whether it truly was its time to blow
and ponders whether the globe can be recycled.
21) The World suggests that any problems with the light are temporary: we
had light once, we will have it again, and suggests focusing on the bigger
picture.
Meanwhile, the Fool has already finished changing the light bulb and is off
doing his own thing.
**Gamers**
How many role playing gamers does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: One to change the light bulb and seven more to say "OK, here's how my character would have done it."
How many game masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but who here wants their character to live? (GM flashes an evil grin while pointing at burnt out light bulb)
How many rules lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty three: One to change the light bulb and 22 to say "that's not what it says in the rulebook!"
How many role playing game makers does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven: One to change the light bulb and ten more to say "In MY game system you would have had to make a skill check at this difficulty level."
**Music**
How many grungers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they'd rather just sit around and complain.
How many gangster rappers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to change the bulb and four more to blame "the Man" for causing the bulb to go out.
How many Alternative musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
101: One to change the light bulb and 100 to see how everyone else is doing it so they can do it that way, too!
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen-one to change the light bulb and fourteen more to say "That was pretty good-but can you do this?" (insert three minute guitar solo here)
How many bassists or keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
Huh? Was somebody talking to me? I don't know. I'll ask the singer or the guitarist.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
6: One to change the light bulb and 5 to say how much better Neil Pert would have done it.
How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it matter? They all need their own spotlight anyway.
How many New-age musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't use light bulbs-we just focus energy into our crystals and make them glow
How many Goth rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Darkness is cool!
How many teen pop idols does it take to change a light bulb?
One-but they just hold up the light bulb and let the world revolve around them.
**Religious**
How many Asatru does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how many allies you have at the Assembly.
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. They then pray the light bulb will be the one that has been chosen to be changed.
How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one for each quarter.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want the message of light to continue, then send in your donation of $50 or more today.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.
How many traditionalist pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't use light bulbs. Fire was good enough for our ancestors, its good enough for us!
How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: one to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much better they liked the old one.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
21: one to change the light bulb, ten to form a committee, and ten to organize the potluck.
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or sing a song about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
How many Dianic feminist Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen: one to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and eleven to do a self-criticism afterwords.
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
How many youth Pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
Only God knows, for if a light bulb burns out it is the will of Allah, and only He will determine if, when, and how many people replace the light bulb.
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109: Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance committee meeting. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business
Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store doesn't hire homosexuals, non-Christians, feminists, or pro-choicers. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
How many Satanists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. LET DARKNESS REIGN!"
How many Gardenarians does it take to change a light bulb?
I can neither confirm nor deny that Gardenarians change light bulbs, or even if they use them.
OR
I can not tell you-that's a third degree secret
OR
(stern tone) Why do you want to know, initiate?
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tulc
loves "SO'S YER MOM!! posts!
WHY MEN LOVE BEING MEN
1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. Only one suitcase required for a 5-day trip.
3. We can open our own jars.
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
5. The same hair-style lasts for years -- maybe decades.
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
7. We can kill our own food.
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10. If someone forgets to invite us to
something, they can still be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
12. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color.
14. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter-reader is coming.
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend
for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work -- more pay.
19. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
20. We can drop by and see a friend without bringing a gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit
you just might become lifelong friends.
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public.
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
26. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
27. We don't have to show below the neck.
28. Belches are expected and tolerated.
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
31. We can do our nails with pocketknife.
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people
on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
34. We know nothing about "dust" and we don't care.
1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. Only one suitcase required for a 5-day trip.
3. We can open our own jars.
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
5. The same hair-style lasts for years -- maybe decades.
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
7. We can kill our own food.
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10. If someone forgets to invite us to
something, they can still be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
12. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color.
14. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter-reader is coming.
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend
for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work -- more pay.
19. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
20. We can drop by and see a friend without bringing a gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit
you just might become lifelong friends.
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public.
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
26. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
27. We don't have to show below the neck.
28. Belches are expected and tolerated.
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
31. We can do our nails with pocketknife.
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people
on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
34. We know nothing about "dust" and we don't care.
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S
starelda
Guest
Hehe I'm one of those weird people that doesn't like coffee. I'll grab an iced tea instead 
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tulc
loves "SO'S YER MOM!! posts!
There was a man sitting down at a bar when another man came in and sat
beside him. The first man looked at the second, and said, "Do you want to
hear something that's pretty neat?" The other guy said, "Sure, go ahead and
tell me." Then the first guy said, "Well, if you jump off of a building, the
air will catch you and throw you back up onto the building.
The other guy didn't believe him, so they went up to the roof to see. The
first guy jumped off of the building and fell a few feet, and then popped
right back onto the roof. The other guy couldn't believe it and asked him to
do it again. Again he jumped off of the building and popped right back up,
and he said, "Now you try it."
The first guy jumped off the building and fell all the way, hitting the
ground hard. The guy walked back down from the roof to the bar and sat down.
The bartender looked at him and said, "You know, you're a real jerk when
you're drunk, Superman.
beside him. The first man looked at the second, and said, "Do you want to
hear something that's pretty neat?" The other guy said, "Sure, go ahead and
tell me." Then the first guy said, "Well, if you jump off of a building, the
air will catch you and throw you back up onto the building.
The other guy didn't believe him, so they went up to the roof to see. The
first guy jumped off of the building and fell a few feet, and then popped
right back onto the roof. The other guy couldn't believe it and asked him to
do it again. Again he jumped off of the building and popped right back up,
and he said, "Now you try it."
The first guy jumped off the building and fell all the way, hitting the
ground hard. The guy walked back down from the roof to the bar and sat down.
The bartender looked at him and said, "You know, you're a real jerk when
you're drunk, Superman.
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