Stalemate....should I just give in?

[Beth1231]

I was also wondering why will you be more $$$ stable in 6 months?

I agree with the posters that have mentioned that compromise works both ways. If you can wait the 6 months, he should be willing to work towards your best health at that point. That would mean no more BCPs and starting prenantal vitamins as well as a bunch of other things.

Finances will be different in a year (when he wants to get off the BC) but not exactly worse or better, just different. We want to move up north next spring and he is going to transfer jobs. Hence, the anxiety of getting pregnant before we get the big changes out of the way.
I decided to start taking pre-natals in June (six months before we get off the pill.) We are going to agree on a different form of BC then (don't ask me which one?) AND I even changed my avatar from a picture of a baby sitting on Jesus' lap to a pic of my husband and myself....so I can keep my priorities straight. Thanks again for all the help; you ladies have been very kind.

 

[BigNorsk]

Beth,

I doubt that having children is the only decision the two of you have been making.

In general, do you as a couple, do something as soon as one of you want to do it?

Or do you in general wait until and if the both of you want to do it?

Or do you just put on the gloves and duke it out?

I'm just wondering because the decision to have children doesn't happen in a vacuum and couples tend to have ways they work out to settle differences, but you haven't given a clue what yours are.

If you would never dream of fixing a meal that both of you wouldn't eat, it seems inconsistent to say he is going to be a father, ready or not.

If meals are fixed and anyone that doesn't like it doesn't need to eat. That's a little different.

If you fix it and he says what kind of slop is this and you tackle him and you shove it down his throat, that's still another.

In general, it isn't good to take on long term commitments until both people are on board. Now that's not saying that you wait until both don't have any concerns.

Since it often takes awhile for a woman's body to get to normal after a time on birth control pills. Stopping in December isn't such a bad idea even if you aren't going to start "trying" to have children on Jan 1st.

Switch to other types of contraception, he might be ready pretty quickly after that, maybe not for awhile, maybe one night he just says let's not bother with it anymore and see what happens.

It's probably easier if the whole thing comes as a series of little steps instead of big stop pill-try to get pregnant all rolled into one decision.

One thing to remember, even with pregnancy, God gives some time to get ready for the child so it's not like Scotty just beams the kid into the nursery.

Kids can really scare guys, they've seen a lot of their friends get all but kicked out of their wives' lives by the wives living and doing everything for the children (actually more than a few do lose their wife to children). He has you now and he probably really likes that, and he might be talking money, but it's as likely to be a fear of losing you that most men don't really want to talk about. It's probably common enough that I would say a majority of the time women put their kids ahead of their husband after the kids get in the picture. That's a mistake, but one which seems most natural for women to make.

Marv

 

[Beth1231]

Big Norsk, a great post thank you. As for your "how do you make decisions" question, that's simple. We are both laid-back about 90% of the decisions in our married life. Someone decides it doesn't matter and the other person makes the decision (since they feel a bit more strongly about it.) Or sometimes we talk about it till we come to something we both like. In this case, there is a statemate, hence the thread and its title. No, we don't "duke it out" or very very rarely. That's just incompatible with our personalities for the most part. This, however is near and dear to my heart and I guess I am ready to "fight" for it a bit. At least, insist that we use a different method of BC when my presciption runs out in Dec. As for your other comments, you make some good points. Perhaps he is a bit afraid of losing our carefree child-free lifestyle. More to think about and ponder and pray on. Thanks again.

 

[Robinsegg]

Finances will be different in a year (when he wants to get off the BC) but not exactly worse or better, just different. We want to move up north next spring and he is going to transfer jobs. Hence, the anxiety of getting pregnant before we get the big changes out of the way.

Beth,
Actually, with hubby changing jobs, it could be huge! My hubby changed jobs after I got pregnant with #2, and we had no insurance whatsoever! We had to consider going on state insurance. It was more stressful for that, and you really don't want to have to deal with all of those bills on top of everything else. (In my neck of the woods, the OB charges about $2500-$3000, the u/s hospital, anesthesiologist, etc. charge extra.) Anyway, it's expensive.
This might be part of what your husband is looking at.

Rachel

 

[bliz]

Kids can really scare guys, they've seen a lot of their friends get all but kicked out of their wives' lives by the wives living and doing everything for the children (actually more than a few do lose their wife to children). He has you now and he probably really likes that, and he might be talking money, but it's as likely to be a fear of losing you that most men don't really want to talk about. It's probably common enough that I would say a majority of the time women put their kids ahead of their husband after the kids get in the picture. That's a mistake, but one which seems most natural for women to make.

Excellent point!

Women who put a lot of emphasis on having a baby can make a guy feel like you just married him for his sperm.

Enjoy the time you have together now! You make it sound like you can't wait for this time in your life to be over and you want to get on to the main event... Darlin', your relationship with your husband IS the main event of your marriage and of family life.

Further, the stronger the marriage is, the better both of you will parent. I remember a 4 month period after my wonderful daughter was born. My eldest was just 3 yrs, wide awake at 6AM ready to play and she was a hard baby - up till 3 AM crying and vomiting, multiple minor medical problems, if she had her way, she'd have nursed non-stop from about 2PM to 3Am every day... I was so sleep deprived, it was the hardest 4 months of my life and my husband was on mandatory overtime at his job so he was working 6 or 7 days a week. During that time, I had to lean back on our marriage for support. There was no energy to build up that relationship - I had nothing to give my husband; there was no sex, the house was a disaster and I know I did not always speak politely, let alone lovingly, to him.
And it was OK. We both knew it was a temporary situation, we both knew we loved each other, and we leaned upon our marriage foundation that had been built in the preceding years.

In your OP you couched all of this in chess terms - a "stalemate"- a game wherein the other player is your opponent, your enemy you fight to the death. Your husband, on the other hand, should be your partner! You should not see him as an adversary! You could use some time building up this relationship.

Frankly, I think you should make the move and relocate and then begin to talk about family. I mean, you are 22 and have not been married for 2 years yet! They are not running our of babies at the baby store. I can't help but wonder if the talk of wanting off BC pills is a ruse and that you really want off BC all together, and not for health reasons.

 

[Micaiah]

My experince with my (ex) wife who took the pill was that it badly affected her moods. If you find the same or are otherwise uncomfortable with taking it may I suggest you discuss other methods of contraception with hubby.

 

[YellowSapphire]

I have been exactly where you were. Got married young (right before my 23rd birthday) and my husband was five years older than me. After we got married, he said he wanted children soon. Little did I know that "soon" in his speak was 5 years! Whenever I got him to agree to sooner, he'd change the date. We had a house, and a ton of money in our bank account-- I couldn't figure it out. I told him his reasons weren't good enough. I suggested he was selfish. I was wrong. I regret those 2 years of pressuring him.

Just want you to know that I shared your frustration and you're not alone. In our case, the baby fever passed after two years for me and we have agreed not to have any children ever. It works for us and I'm at peace with it.

Your husband sounds like he has some good reasons per your last post. Six months is not too much longer to wait. A child is an 18 year comittment. Why not have an extra six month to yourselves?

I'll stick my neck out there and be the first to say it: I don't like a lot of the advice about going off the pill in the spirit of making him "share the burden." It almost comes across as a way to "punish" him. IMO, a wife shouldn't want her husband to share the burden if at all possible. For instance, I know bc can be a hassle, why would I want to force that on my husband when I can absorb the entire inconvenience myself? Of course, if husbands desire shared-burden bc, go for it.

 

[newyorknewyork]

we are dealing with this EXACT same issue.. RIGHT NOW!

i am glad we are not the only ones

 

[AutumnDreamer]

i don't think anyone is suggesting that she get off the pill and get pregnant. the scripture says that the husband is the wife's and the wife is the husband's ... but it also says that he is supposed to take care of her. the only reason any of us suggest she should go off the pill is for her health. there are healthier ways to prevent pregnancy and not all of them require the whole effort to be placed on the woman's body.

I completely agree! I am against BC pills for moral and health reaosns. NFP is the way God designed our bodies to work, I just think that couples need to think of their body as belonging to their spouse (this goes for both husband and wife) She needs to sit down and explain to her husband why BC pills are bad for her. I just don't like heraing the "it's my body" argument.

 

[Beth1231]

Well, well, well.....everytime I come back I find more interesting posts. Some of you ladies have excellent insight. Bliz, I will admit that part of me wanting to get off the pill is to get on a form of BC that will at least give me a slight chance of getting pregnant. The other part is not wanting to go off the pill and switch to trying to conceive in one short month (I would like to space it out; I hear that's best.) So yes, you are close with your suspicions!
Hubby and I went to church this morning and worship was fantastic, I felt at peace and the sermon started. The message was (I kid you not) "Children are a heritage from the Lord" and how to raise them in a godly way and all of that. I just raised my eyebrows and looked at Hubby and said "you have got to be kidding me!." Just a piece of irony I thought I would share.
Also, one more thing. It's definitely true that I look forward too much to the next great thing in my life. I have looked forward to engagement, marriage, graduation and now a baby. You probabaly think I'm unhappy and discontent, but truly I have a wonderful marriage and I'm usually very satisfied with life. This is a maturity point and all of these replies on my thread have really helped me see some new perspective. I just wish my emotions would keep up with what I know to be true.

 

[Robinsegg]

I just wish my emotions would keep up with what I know to be true.

Beth,
You know, that's how it is for most of us! We know something to be true, yet our emotions are pulling us in another direction. That's why we are to be careful that we renew our minds in Him Romans 12:1-3, and that we be careful in what we think on Phil 4:4-9. Even Christ had something to say about worrying that something won't come to pass and setting your sights too much on tomorrow Matt 6:25-34. Consider that God has plans for you Jer 29:11 that you can't even imagine.

Be sure to always show respect for your husband Eph 5:21-24 and be content with who and where you are Phil 4:11. Remember, when God places a desire in our hearts, it is His wish to fulfill it Psalms 20:4-5 John 14:12-14.

May God bless you greatly,
Rachel

 

[Robinsegg]

Oh, and always remember who you and your husband are in Christ! It really helps the relationship!

Rachel

 

[Joykins]

You and your husband should be agreed on dropping birth control altogether. This is something you need to work out between the two of you. If you feel the hormones are bad for your body, there are other alternatives available, and since it's your body (alone!) it is more or less your choice as to stop the pill--but you and your dh have to have the plan of what to do next coming in.

If the problem is that your husband keeps putting off having a baby...the important thing is the 2 of you are of one mind in this. It's important that you work it out. I don't have any answers as to how, I wish I did

 

[lin1235]

I stopped taking hormonal BC last year September, we were going to use condoms for a year before we started TTC. I wanted to make sure my cycles and everything are back to normal before we started trying. As it turns out, condoms have expiry dates! So I conceived in late February, and we're really happy (even my husband who really wanted to wait another 6 months).

My suggestion would definitely be to be off the pill for a few months before starting to try. My cousin went off the pill in February, they started trying in March (immediately, in other words) and conceived, and she lost the baby at 6 weeks. The dr said it was because they hadn't given her body a chance to get back to normal.

I think NFP can also help you to get to know your cycle and it might help once you do want to conceive.

 

[LynnMcG]

First, you need to do what your husband wants in submission to him. Once you let your feelings known to him, he should be making a decsion based on BOTH your best interest. If you feel he's not, then bring it to his attention - gently.

Next, you will NEVER have enough money to have children. Unfortunately, you won't really understand what I mean until you have kids.

Finally, who knows how long it's going to take you to get pregnant OR how long it will take for your body to release the extra hormones it absorbed from the Pill. I say this from my own experience.

oh! Then there's always the chance you get pregnant on the pill. Again, speaking from experience, that's how we were blessed with our littlest!

 

[Beth1231]

First, you need to do what your husband wants in submission to him. Once you let your feelings known to him, he should be making a decsion based on BOTH your best interest. If you feel he's not, then bring it to his attention - gently.

quote]


I don't know quite how to respond to this. Please don't take the following as an angry retort (it isn't.)
I am not willing to simply leave this matter entirely in my husband's hands. He knows how I feel about it and trust me, he won't change his mind based on my emotions or desires. My husband is logical and objective when it comes to these big decisions (and I suppose in a way that is a good thing.) However, I am the woman in this relationship and that means I'm the one on the pill, with the maternal clock, the one who will be pregnant, the one who will be nursing and the one who will be staying home with our child. I can't just say "well, you know best; let me know when I have permission to get off the pill." It's not in me to do that. So....for now, the matter is at rest with us (although not in my heart.) We will revisit it again when it gets closer to December.
I am more unwilling than ever at this point to stay one the pill until next summer. From what I understand it's not the most healthy choices for me or an unborn child. Our disunity on this issue just makes me sad.

 

[LynnMcG]

First, you need to do what your husband wants in submission to him. Once you let your feelings known to him, he should be making a decsion based on BOTH your best interest. If you feel he's not, then bring it to his attention - gently.

I don't know quite how to respond to this. Please don't take the following as an angry retort (it isn't.)
I am not willing to simply leave this matter entirely in my husband's hands. He knows how I feel about it and trust me, he won't change his mind based on my emotions or desires. My husband is logical and objective when it comes to these big decisions (and I suppose in a way that is a good thing.) However, I am the woman in this relationship and that means I'm the one on the pill, with the maternal clock, the one who will be pregnant, the one who will be nursing and the one who will be staying home with our child. I can't just say "well, you know best; let me know when I have permission to get off the pill." It's not in me to do that. So....for now, the matter is at rest with us (although not in my heart.) We will revisit it again when it gets closer to December.
I am more unwilling than ever at this point to stay one the pill until next summer. From what I understand it's not the most healthy choices for me or an unborn child. Our disunity on this issue just makes me sad.

OK, I didn't take that as an angry retort.

In my experience, I have found that God often gives my husband wisdom (when our marriage is functioning in a Godly manner) he doesn't give me. Believe me, there are times my husband makes decisions and we both wonder what he was thinking. But this has never happened with the big stuff.

Look, I'm not some mindless drone void of an opinion in my marriage. I wasn't saved until I was 27, just a year before I was married. I was on the pill for more than 10 years. I didn't have my first child until I was 33. My response was from my own experience.

I understand what you mean about being the woman, and issues with your body. And this is a HUGE decision. If you're feeling conviction over the Pill, then why not find an alternative you can both agree with until he feels more comfortable about the timing? What about an IUD? Condoms? Diaphram?

 

[RedTulipMom]

I would get off the pill ASAP! If you aren't aware the bc pill is an abortificatient. That means that it can be causing abortions and you wouldnt even know it! Please get informed! There are tons of articles out there here is just one:
http://www.epm.org/articles/26doctor.html

I am shocked there are so many Christian women still unaware of the properties of the bc pill, its sad.

Please sisters inform yourselves of the facts.

 

[Utah Knight]

I would get off the pill ASAP due to it possibly causeing unknown abortions and besides it is your body the medicine goes into not his it is only right that the choice should be yours