Stalemate....should I just give in?

[Beth1231]

Here is the scenario: My sweet husband wants to wait until next summer for me to get off the Birth control pill. I, on the other hand, want to get off of it this Dec (which is when my prescription runs out). You wouldn't think six months difference would be such a big deal, except that I have already been on this pill much longer than I would like and my husband knows this. We've been married about a year and a half. I never knew the question of when to have children would be such a point of contention in our marriage; it has completely surprised me. Should I just give in and keep waiting? What would you do?
I should add that yes, my husband does want children he is just worried about finances (no big surprise there, I'm sure).

 

[Adela]

I've been in a similar position as you. I thought I wanted children early, and my husband has always wanted to wait until we are older. I finally came around to his view, and want to wait several years.

My way of thinking was, that I knew my husband wanted them eventually, he just wanted some time to enjoy his 20's without a kid to take care of. He also wants to get his master's degree and have a good job and money saved up. I will probably want to be a stay at home mom, so we really want to be financially prepared. However, we are in college right now and live pretty cheap. If I don't work while our kids are small, we will have to live cheap then too. So, we wanted a few years while we are still young to be a little selfish with our money.

I didn't want to pressure my husband into having kids. I want to wait until we were both ready. So we decided to enjoy our time together, save money, travel, become better people, and then have a baby.

Since you and I are the same age, I would say, wait. You really do have plenty of time, so wait until your hubby is ready. You know he wants them, right? So, try to enjoy the time that the two of you have alone, because kids really do change things.

 

[Robinsegg]

Hi!
I've been married for nearly 8 years. We planned to wait to concieve until we'd been married for 2 years, to give our marriage lots of stability before having children. After being married 11 months, I got pregnant. I lost the baby early (most women would never have known they were pregnant to begin with, but my body shows symptoms extrememly early). After that, we were ready to conceive (which we did 4 months later). Our first child was born 1 month after our 2nd anniversary.

I'd say, after my experience, that you should go ahead and wait the 6 months. If God wants you to concieve before that, believe me, nothing's gonna stop Him. Enjoy your time together and cement your relationship with hubby and with God. When babies do come, remember that your first priority is your relationship with God, your second your relationship with hubby, your third your relationship with baby. It's too easy to get this mixed up and end up with problems.

Rachel

 

[snoochface]

Wait the 6 months. Just remind him that there is never a "good" time to have a baby and no one is ever completely financially ready for it. You have challenges and sacrifices to make no matter how financially stable you are. So wait, but make sure you guys talk about it and agree completely that on X date you'll go off the pill.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I would submit to him and wait to conceive whenhe is ready, however I would talk to him about getting off the pill in Dec and use something else for the 6 mths. It isn't a good idea to start trying right after getting off the pill.

 

[Beth1231]

Thanks for all the comments, ladies. I'll be 23 in June and Hubby will be 26 in July. We are both finished with college and we work full-time. I think at this point I'm just plain frustrated with trying to get a "final date" out of Hubby as to when we can go off BC. I told him last night I feel like next summer he is going to come up with a reason why it would be better to wait yet another six months or so. He's just too anxious in my opinion, but then again, maybe I'm too quick to go for it, who knows?
I think he might go for a different kind of BC in Dec. I hope so, because I have pretty much made up my mind that I'm done with the pill. This will be the first stubborn "I'm doing it my way" thing that I have done in our marriage thus far. I'm kinda fed up, can you tell?

 

[Beth1231]

Katomi, I see your point but I worry about the attitude (quickly becoming my attitude!) behind it. After all, the "It's my body" argument has been used to murder a lot of unborn children.
Hubby told me way back when we were engaged that he wanted to be married two years before having children and Dec will mark two years. I took him super literally. This is just so hard. Most of all, I desire to be unified in this thing. I guess we will be looking into other forms of BC come Dec; I just can't help but wonder if he is going to be upset if we get pregnant as a result. Life is complicated, that's why I'm asking for advice

 

[Beth1231]

ahh yes but the "its my body" argument for murdering unborn children is misguided. Because when you murder the unborn, you are actually doing something to TWO bodies, one which is your own and one which belongs to another.

In this case, substances in your body is truly an "its my body" argument, you are not affecting the body of your husband or anyone else.. in fact, if you were to become pregnant while taking the pill (which is possible, it happened to us, we are Mr. and Mrs. 0.01%), it can negatively affect the unborn child.

Edit: added a few clarifications

~ ~

Okay, so here is the question. Is it alright to say "it's my body" about taking the pill if Hubby is the one who will be supporting three people? In other words, I would still be affecting two (three) people. I promise I'm not trying to argue with you; I have hashed and re-hashed this all through my mind for weeks now. I just want the man to agree with me, what's so hard about that?

 

[Endless]

I think he might go for a different kind of BC in Dec. I hope so, because I have pretty much made up my mind that I'm done with the pill. This will be the first stubborn "I'm doing it my way" thing that I have done in our marriage thus far. I'm kinda fed up, can you tell?

that is exactly how it should be. the burdon of keeping your eggs unfertilized should not be yours alone. if it is he who does not want to have children yet then he needs to take some responsibility. you should share the chore together. it is a frivolity if it is being used as recreation rather than procreation ... so use it wisely. i suggest condoms. why? because NO form of birth control affects him in the same way that BC pills affect you.

just my opinion.

~M

 

[Leanna]

Beth, had I read nothing but your opening argument I would have said "wait 6 months!!!" and "wait for your husband to be ready!!!" but since we have talked extensively and on numerous occasions about this issue I will take a slightly different stance.

6 months doesn't sound like too much, the thing that concerns me is the sheer number of times that its "wait another 6 months." If I remember right first it was "wait until April 2006" which has now passed-- last summer that was the goal. Then for a while it was "wait until August 2006" because of a friend's wedding." It went back and forth there and then became "wait another year-- December 2006" so you could pay off debt. I think these are all really good things, your husband wanting to be resposible and you will be *really* glad when you guys aren't struggling with money nearly as much as dh and I.

However, there comes a point when it becomes excessive and in my opinion its getting there rather fast. How long can you push a woman who has the baby bug? How long can she be expected to patiently wait? You need a goal, a date, it is not reasonable to go through this much of an emotional roller coaster on this issue. So he needs to committ-- which maybe is a struggle for him. You struggle with the opposite-- waiting. I know, I am just like you!!

Now Beth think back to your one regret (and since you share this on a number of threads I trust this is not a breech of confidence) ..... when you were dating your husband and you kept pressuring him about getting engaged, when is it going to happen??? He was too cautious and you were too anxious. Sound familiar? It is this exact same situation!!!!

You are both essentially wrong. He is wrong for expecting you to sit around, not have a goal, and just wait until it all feels good for him-- who knows when taht will be at this rate!? And you are wrong for pushing. What a difficult situation!!

I do hope that you two can sit down and have a real heart-to-heart. He needs to see that essentially on issues of this sort he pushes you to the breaking point, as far as he can, and then when you break down he can't figure out why. Um hello? I don't believe in aggravating your spouse, this is very wrong in my book. He doesn't mean to aggravate you, I am sure, but he is. I hope that he can really try to be in your shoes and picture this. Try to put it in parable form telling a story about a girl who dreams her whole life of being a mommy.... somehow put it in words he can understand, and that you want this to go much better than the engagement thing. Sometimes it helps for me to put it in story form for my husband, although this might sound silly, talking about a parallel situation or couple sometimes helps it not be so personal.

 

[Leanna]

Both having children AND putting the pill in your body are big decisions IMO.. I think your husband may possibly think the pill is no big deal. Maybe thats where the problem is.. your husband may be down-playing the significance of you wanting to stop taking the pill.

I definitely agree on this as well, because you know the struggles I had coming off the pill and the weird side effects. I wouldn't recommend it long term. There are a lot of options..... I'll put in a nudge for NFP again

 

[Cordy]

I have a few thoughts after reading this thread.

One is I don’t think Katomi is saying you should try to disreguard your husband’s concerns and exibit the self-centered “I can do whatever I want! And you better butt out!!!” attitude. That is an extreme, and not good for marriage. The other extreme is sacrificing too much, and potentially doing harm to yourself – in this case, physical. Being on the pill too long can be bad for your health. Most of my friends have dropped it and found alternatives because they have had some bad repercussions.

Although you may choose to wait the extra six months, it is unfair for him to expect you to do all the work to do so, especially in a way that could potentially harm your health.

If you want to wait the next six months, sit down and talk with him about it. Say that you don’t want to be taking pills that can be harmful anymore, so you both need to look for alternative solutions. We have to ensure that the harmony in marriage is healthy for both parties. You need to take care of yourself and the blessings you have been given, like your body, as well as the blessings you have been given as a couple (marriage).

I sometimes wonder if you might perhaps be on this narrow track to get where you have decided you will be years ago. I agree that goals are good, but so is being flexible. I can understand wanting to know when you are going to get there – when your husband will finally be ready. But maybe the reason why he gave you dates when he would be ready beforehand is because you were pushing him. He might need some breathing space -- we all do.

You are still very newly married. It might be a good idea for your marriage to drop the conceiving issue for a while. Live in the moment. Be newlyweds! I know I know.. you have already been so for 1.5 years. But there is so much you two can do together now that you may never get to do together again. In the same way that people should take advantage of their time of singleness, and not see it simply as a “waiting to get married” time, take advantage of this time together before children and see the blessing in this season, rather than “waiting until conception” time. I just feel like you might, as the cliché goes, be so busy rushing with your plans that you aren’t smelling the roses along the way.

 

[Leanna]

You are still very newly married. It might be a good idea for your marriage to drop the conceiving issue for a while. Live in the moment. Be newlyweds! I know I know.. you have already been so for 1.5 years. But there is so much you two can do together now that you may never get to do together again. In the same way that people should take advantage of their time of singleness, and not see it simply as a “waiting to get married” time, take advantage of this time together before children and see the blessing in this season, rather than “waiting until conception” time. I just feel like you might, as the cliché goes, be so busy rushing with your plans that you aren’t smelling the roses along the way.

That too

 

[Cright]

I agree with those who say you need to talk more with your husband. I don't beleive anyone should put ANY drug into their system longer than needed. Since there are several alternatives ( Depo (which I strongly oppose), IUD, the patch, and non-drug ways, condoms, diaphram, sponge, spermicides, NFP etc.)

I think since you are willing to comprimise on waiting 6 months, he should be willing to at least discuss other options for birth control.

If the 6 months is too long for you to wait, you could also discuss only waiting 3 or 4 months.

Most importantly though, is to keep talking and try to find an agreement.

 

[Beth1231]

Wow, some great answers. Thank you so much for taking the time to write out some great thoughts for me to chew on. *takes a deep breath and lets it out* I am most definitely just letting my anxiety get the best of me. I love being married and it is nice to be able to just just get up and go places. There was a lot of insight in your comments, so thanks again. Especially when Mbams mentioned that I might be upset simply because plans I made years ago are not coming to completion when I would like. Wow, is that ever true! You ladies are awesome.

 

[Beth1231]

....He doesn't mean to aggravate you, I am sure, but he is. I hope that he can really try to be in your shoes and picture this. Try to put it in parable form telling a story about a girl who dreams her whole life of being a mommy.... somehow put it in words he can understand, and that you want this to go much better than the engagement thing. Sometimes it helps for me to put it in story form for my husband, although this might sound silly, talking about a parallel situation or couple sometimes helps it not be so personal.

You made a bunch of good comments, chica, but this piece of advice made me laugh because this is exactly what I did earlier today! Hubby told me when we were engaged that he wanted to wait two years before having children. Obviously, I took this literally and he meant "around then give or take a year." Okay, so here is my little "parable." I told him "that's like me telling you we are going to have sex when we get married and you are thinking once a week, but I am thinking once a month!" Lol, he raised his eyebrows and gathered me into a hug and asked "only once a week?" Clearly, my parable did not get through, but we both laughed about it.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Okay, so here is the question. Is it alright to say "it's my body" about taking the pill if Hubby is the one who will be supporting three people? In other words, I would still be affecting two (three) people. I promise I'm not trying to argue with you; I have hashed and re-hashed this all through my mind for weeks now. I just want the man to agree with me, what's so hard about that?

I have a problem with the whole "it's my body" concept for married couples. The scriptures are clear where it says your body is no longer your own. These decisions should be made together.

 

[avilagirl]

I second the NFP. From what I understand, men in couples who use it really come to appreciate their wives and their bodies.

My question though is - will your financial situation really be that much more stable in 6 months?

 

[greenessa]

I was also wondering why will you be more $$$ stable in 6 months?

I agree with the posters that have mentioned that compromise works both ways. If you can wait the 6 months, he should be willing to work towards your best health at that point. That would mean no more BCPs and starting prenantal vitamins as well as a bunch of other things.

 

[Endless]

I have a problem with the whole "it's my body" concept for married couples. The scriptures are clear where it says your body is no longer your own. These decisions should be made together.

i don't think anyone is suggesting that she get off the pill and get pregnant. the scripture says that the husband is the wife's and the wife is the husband's ... but it also says that he is supposed to take care of her. the only reason any of us suggest she should go off the pill is for her health. there are healthier ways to prevent pregnancy and not all of them require the whole effort to be placed on the woman's body.

it is absolutely imperative that they together come up with a mutually agreeable plan of action. regarding b/c and having chidren. but i do believe it is her choice to protect her body if her husband won't. if she chooses to go off b/c pill and they can't compromise on b/c ... there is abstinance. now admittedly this is not the best solution. here again the bible says that only abstain for a short while and only if it's mutual.

but i don't get the impression that he is unreasonable ... just not ready. and if called out he would likely even wear a condom.

oh ... uhm ... what is NFP?

edit ... i found a site on natural family planning and i WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree. it puts the burdon on both parties ... AND it keeps at the forefront that the sexual act can result in procreation even when used as recreation.

~M