Hi there,
So I basically said it all in the heading: currently I am stable; however, high levels of stress cause me to relapse - I am seeing a psychologist soon (I just thought it might be wise to document it here, while I wait for the appointment to be made).
The thing is, the more stressed I am, the more I tangentialize mentally, in an effort to manage stressors. It doesn't push me over the edge immediately, but I find my tangents harder and harder to understand or contextualize - so then I am in a state of stress, with no real way out (and my thoughts become more and more psychotic).
The relapse itself, is over in a matter of hours if I get medication, but they have put me on a medication that has danger attached - viz., that if you stop taking it suddenly, you get sicker. So I am constantly checking myself mentally, thinking "is this dangerous? how would I know??" It is basically a bandaid, though, there is no real incentive to improve my condition, just to live in ignorance of what the stress could be (in a very lethargic, unproductive kind of way).
I want to acknowledge the medication, the diagnosis and the doctor, but they kind of put me at a distance with comments like "he'll never get better" and "its like diabetes, you need the bandaid more than the cure". It makes me angry because they are basically writing me off, I would assume because of the same thing: stress making it hard to determine what the way forward was.
In time, I think what I am going to do is just take God's word for how stressed I am, instead of trying to judge it myself - it's when you think the illness or the condition or whatever it is is you, that you start to get into trouble. Like when you think, "I am having these thoughts because I am a bad person", that sort of thing.
Thanks for thinking about it; it's basically just a window into my recovery at the moment - not much, but you stuck with me: thanks.
So I basically said it all in the heading: currently I am stable; however, high levels of stress cause me to relapse - I am seeing a psychologist soon (I just thought it might be wise to document it here, while I wait for the appointment to be made).
The thing is, the more stressed I am, the more I tangentialize mentally, in an effort to manage stressors. It doesn't push me over the edge immediately, but I find my tangents harder and harder to understand or contextualize - so then I am in a state of stress, with no real way out (and my thoughts become more and more psychotic).
The relapse itself, is over in a matter of hours if I get medication, but they have put me on a medication that has danger attached - viz., that if you stop taking it suddenly, you get sicker. So I am constantly checking myself mentally, thinking "is this dangerous? how would I know??" It is basically a bandaid, though, there is no real incentive to improve my condition, just to live in ignorance of what the stress could be (in a very lethargic, unproductive kind of way).
I want to acknowledge the medication, the diagnosis and the doctor, but they kind of put me at a distance with comments like "he'll never get better" and "its like diabetes, you need the bandaid more than the cure". It makes me angry because they are basically writing me off, I would assume because of the same thing: stress making it hard to determine what the way forward was.
In time, I think what I am going to do is just take God's word for how stressed I am, instead of trying to judge it myself - it's when you think the illness or the condition or whatever it is is you, that you start to get into trouble. Like when you think, "I am having these thoughts because I am a bad person", that sort of thing.
Thanks for thinking about it; it's basically just a window into my recovery at the moment - not much, but you stuck with me: thanks.
