Spouse Gone, Stress Gone

[MaraPetra]

After four people (none of which know one another) have made the same observation to me within the past three days, I'm forced to recognize a very disturbing thought regarding my marriage.

My husband's been offshore for seven days, and will be gone for seven more days. Because he started with a new company this hitch, he has been unable to call or contact me while he's working. It's the first time we've ever been out of contact for this long since before we started dating!

I still work full-time, I still come home to an ADHD 12 year-old, as well as typical 10 year-old and 6 year-old girls. I still have a house to keep running, dinners to cook, a church nursery to direct (including weekly contact with my workers), a 52-page website to redesign, a semi-psychotic ex-husband to appease, and a marginally active social life. I should be stressed out of my mind with everything I have to do, because I'm doing this without ever consulting my husband on problems. There should be problems, since this is the first time in five years that I've ever truly been "on my own".

The comments which were made to me by those four people was this: They've never seen me so unstressed. Two people, who knew me before I remarried, say my behavior hasn't been this cool, calm and collected since I was single.

The final straw was today. My secretary made the passing comment that, since my hubby's been gone, she's noticed that I don't mention my step-son giving me problems, I'm not worried about things financially, I'm smiling more and snapping much less. She says I've become more laid-back, "comfortable in my skin", and I'm not scrambling to get things done, but she's noticed I'm more productive anyways.

I started thinking...Since hubby's been gone, my step-son hasn't been acting out at all, which translates to a much more peaceful house. The house stays much, much cleaner, and requires less upkeep. Even the dog stopped piddling on the floor! None of the kids are sullen, or resentful, and my step-kids and I are bonding, and sharing confidences, like never before. I haven't been worrying about the bank account bouncing, and I don't spend beyond bare necessities, so I can actually afford to pay the bills on just my check. So his income will actually be lagniappe (Cajun French for "something extra").

It's been a very sobering, and very scary, realization. I miss my husband...But I don't miss the way the household acts when he's here (kids clamming up, piddling puppy, lots of outbursts, etc.). And I don't miss the way he acts to his kids and towards life in general.

And things sort of feel like they did when I was single, and living on my own with my two kids. It's like I "lost" the need for spousal touching, or any kind of spousal support, for that matter. I feel peaceful, and fulfilled, with what I'm doing. I should be out of my mind with loneliness, missing my spouse like crazy, feeling like something's missing in my life. Instead, I feel happier right now than I have for a long, long time.

Perhaps this time apart is being used by the devil to remind me of how much easier being single was. I haven't lost the love I hold for my husband...It's just that I don't need him in the day-to-day living, and I'm having to face the fact that he brings issues into the hosuehold which is inhibiting our growth as a married couple, and which affects our kids. Even spiritually, I'm growing without him here. How nutty is that?!

Am I the only woman with an absentee spouse, who's finding herself enjoying the absence? Even with all my psych training, I don't understand how I could love him, but be so much happier without him.

Any thoughts?

 

[WrightWife]

I can't say I understand (bc I don't have any kids or ex's) but I can say as a fellow military spouse who's husband is gone alot, I too feel guilty for "enjoying" the peace when he leaves. I think it's just a mature way of dealing with the inevitable part of being "married to the militiary' and putting your big girl panties on. ;-) In a way, we HAVE to do it all when our hubby's leave and I say if you've mastered the juggling act, CONGRATS!

As long as it's not affecting your love for him, enjoy God's precious gift of peace at home and savor every minute

 

[InTheFlame]

I started thinking...Since hubby's been gone, my step-son hasn't been acting out at all, which translates to a much more peaceful house. The house stays much, much cleaner, and requires less upkeep. Even the dog stopped piddling on the floor! None of the kids are sullen, or resentful, and my step-kids and I are bonding, and sharing confidences, like never before. I haven't been worrying about the bank account bouncing, and I don't spend beyond bare necessities, so I can actually afford to pay the bills on just my check. So his income will actually be lagniappe (Cajun French for "something extra").

It's been a very sobering, and very scary, realization. I miss my husband...But I don't miss the way the household acts when he's here (kids clamming up, piddling puppy, lots of outbursts, etc.). And I don't miss the way he acts to his kids and towards life in general.

I think this is the sort of thing that needs to be -very carefully and gently! - communicated to him. I really don't think there's anything wrong with your realisation and your feelings. You're less stressed because overall, his influence on the house is more negative than positive. I think a lot of marriage counsellors would term that a 'breakthrough' - you've come to an important understanding of your situation. Unfortunately there's no obvious path that I see coming from that understanding... except that if I was in his situation (not as implausible as some might think - I've had to do a lot of anger-management type work!), it would really, really shake me up to hear of the negative influence I was having on my family. I'd be distraught - but it'd be a catalyst for me actually getting some in-depth, long-term HELP.

PS. *huggggggggggggggggggggg*

 

[Telrunya]

My thoughts are you should read the Power of a Praying Wife.

There is nothing wrong with you being able to, and being comfortable with functioning on your own without your spouse around. I daresay the Proverbs 31 woman didn't NEED her spouse every day. What is concerning is the nature of problems when your husband is home. Before going to him and talking about this differance, and I believe you should bring it up with him at some point, you should really carefully concider this matter in prayer. As you said it may be satan at work so test the spirit.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I'm a military spouse as well and even those with good relationships (including me) enjoy the breaks every now and again. My dh isn't very demanding but he is human and he will sometimes take the bossy tone...ie why don't you close the cabinets, why did you leave this here, that here, etc. However, when he does leave and it seems more peaceful- I am not naive to think that this is the life . I've often heard othervwives say they are single parents when their dh leaves....well I don't think so....we still have a paycheck coming in and our situations (when they deploy) is only temporary bc we know they will be back in just a matter of time.

Altho I do enjoy some of the breaks, by week two I am yearning to have him home and in his arms


Since you do sound like you have a troubled marriage, your 'happines' that he is gone, may be a different measure of happines than someone who is in a marriage that is doing well. Communication and prayer is key. Tell him how you are feeling and that others have recognized a change in your attitude. Don't do it gloatingly, but as an issue that needs to be addressed

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Boy, that's something.

My husband has been gone almost three months now and will not return until the summer of 2007 (thanks Uncle Sam) and I miss him so much it hurts. I was incredibly independent before we married but over the last ten years we have become such good friends and so close that I feel a part of me is torn out and I know he is struggling too. Partly this is because we are forced to be seperated for so long. Although we've endured deployments before none were 18 months and that seems to make a difference. He is a great father though and a great husband and sorely missed by his family.

Anyhow, sounds like you and your spouse might benefit from counseling.

 

[Cright]

I think it's rather exciting to find out you don't depend on him (hopefully your depending on God) and just enjoying life with him.

John and I don't want to become completely dependent on each other, we both enjoyed our lives as single people, we just wished to spend it together... so we got married. God is still who leads us.

The only part of your post I find upsetting is the part where you point out that with your husband gone you find the household runs smoother, less out bursts and no piddling puppy.

I think that should be communicated to him. I bet neither of you realised that he may have been the factor in this prior to his leaving right? "Aha" moments like this really give us insight to improve, I would present it as a way to improve, instead of as a negative critisism (even if it is). He will be more likely to respond positivly to something positive.

Hope all goes well, let us know.

In Him,
Carina

 

[homeschooling_Momma]

I love that book 'The Power of a Praying Wife'!!!!!!

It has done such wonderful things in my heart!

I am so attached to my hubby (we will have our 4 year wedding anniversary in July, so weve not been married that long) that I couldnt even go and be away from him a night.

Studying thru Proverbs 31, and having a strong prayer life will help as well.....

I can not imagine not wanting my hubby here.....I am so sorry that you have so much stress and so much going on with your life...my my I dont know how you do everything you have to do!

I am praying that the Lord bring you & your hubby closer together emotionally and that you both have a wonderful marriage.....

 

[Autumnleaf]

Just one suggestion. If you decide to bring this up with your husband do it carefully and when he is in the right mood to receive it. Unless his job is tons of fun when he leaves home he is probably doing it because he thinks he has to for the family. Telling him things go better when he's gone if he's gone to support the family could really mess with his head.

 

[Southern Cross]

I've experienced the same thing. Some of it is due to not having to be responsible to meet certain expectations on a daily basis. I mean, don't you find it restricting when someone says "do the laundry this way" or "what about dinner by 7 p.m. so we don't go hungry around here!".

My wife felt the same type of release from stress when I moved out. But on the other hand, the kids were not being reprimanded when they were misbehaving, dinner wasn't served until an hour after they were supposed to be in bed, and certain things necessary to keep a household together weren't being handled. And often, the stress free environment you are living in can go away very quickly once people settle into the idea that Dad (or Mom) is gone.

So, yeah, stress levels certainly do drop when a spouse isn't around. I kinda enjoy it when my wife is out of town. But why? Is it because the spouse is such a negative influence? Or because you don't need to be accountable to certain standards? Are the kids happier because they don't have to deal with two competing authority and household management styles,even though both spouses are equally effective? These are just general questions, they're not directed at you MaraPetra.

 

[MaraPetra]

WRIGHTWIFE: Thanks for your support, sweetie. I know you went through horrible trials in your marriage, and you're a reminder that all things work together for those whom love the Lord.

INTHEFLAME: Join the club on anger management!!! I went through one of those courses years ago, and they're dead helpful...Although in my case, God has done the majority of the work in controlling my anger issues. There's a big difference between having those emotional tools available, and actually using them. Praise God for his mercy in that respect!!!

TELRUNYA AND HOMESCHOOLING_MOMMA: I've had the book for over two years now. I'm doing some "remedial reading" now. I agree, it's an awesome way to keep track of how God wants us to work with our spouse.

MERCY@GRACE AND OREGAL: I wouldn't say the marriage is troubled, because when he's home, the relationship works relatively well. We do have problems, but what marriage doesn't? I'm already debating on getting hubby into counseling (I know the issues that cause him to act the way he does), but that needs to be his decision, not mine. Ultimately, he has to come to terms with his own past. It's one of the things I'm asking God for right now.

CRIGHT, INTHEFLAME AND AUTUMNLEAF: This is something huge, and I know I have to express it, very gently, so that it becomes an opportunity for growth, rather than a gripe session.

At this point, my issue is that I know my husband. Even said lovingly, constructive criticism to my husband is taken as simply criticism. As said earlier, he's rejected counseling on his issues, and I think that's because he's of the mistaken impression that counselors "mess with his mind", instead of helping him draw out and resolve his problems. He wasn't averse to me going to counseling when I had the flashbacks from childhood sexual abuse, though. Perhaps I can use the results he saw in me during that time as an example as to what counseling, done in the right spirit, can do.

Nonetheless, the happiness in this home is dependent upon whether or not my spouse identifies, for himself, the issues which are so glaringly apparent to me and the kids right now.

I spent my first marriage (9 years) walking on eggshells, scared witless of making a wrong move and setting my then-husband off. In this marriage, I try to be much firmer when setting boundaries and limits.

*sigh* Okay, folks, suggestions on HOW to get this across to my husband without making him feel like he's being attacked?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

what kind of a guy is your husband?

From what you read it sounds like everyone is afraid of him, even the poor dog.

 

[newyorknewyork]

Is it just a coincidence what these ppl said to you seeing as your DH has only been gone a week? Are you around these 4 ppl ALOT for them to make those sort of statements?

Enjoy your alone time. Enjoy your time with others. But you need your husband and he needs you. Remember why you married him. The children need him as well.

If your husband has only been gone a week.. could the dog piddling and the children doing whatever they do really be that drastically affected?

What I'm saying is.. is it just a coincidence? Are you looking into it all too much? Are you seeing problems where there are none because deep down you have a little bit of resentment towards your husband?

I really hope it all works out for the very best.. God bless you richly!

May this time away from your husband be fruitful spiritually ... may you and your children continue to grow closer to one another.. and may you pray for your husband. ..pray and ask God to heal him.. ask God to fill his cup to overflowing.. and seek each day to be your husband's helper and companion that he married.

 

[newyorknewyork]

oh! one more thing.. can a dog peeing on the floor really have anything to do with your husband? I'm so sorry to hear there seem to be a bit of strife when he is home.. but surely the poor guy can't be blamed for the dog's piddles on the carpet??!!?!?!?!

 

[MaraPetra]

tsuriyel: Sorry, the dog piddling was intended as comic relief... I know it's not my hubby's fault. I sprang for some slightly more expensive puppy pee pads with a different attractant, and I'm firmly convinced that's why the puppy's doing so wonderfully.

It's very interesting on the kids, because my step-son continues to open up to me. He's never done this before, and it's breakthrough. Last night, he said he was looking forward to his dad coming home, because he missed the big guy...But he also feared his dad coming home, because his dad's much stricter than I am. As he said, I give him a chance to get things completed...Whereas his dad is constantly rushing him, and his dad depends more on corporal punishment (spanking) as a deterrent.


Mr.Cheese: The people who have made these comments are around us quite a bit. One friend has known my husband since 1998, and known me since hubby introduced us in late 2000 (before hubby and I even started dating). Another one is my husband's ex-wife, who knows us both well enough to have an adaquate assessment both of my response to the situation, and her kids' assessment. Another one sees my husband and I every Wednesday and every Sunday, as well as speak to me at least three times per week. And of course, my secretary sees me five days a week, and has done so since last July. So yes, they're all qualified to make the point they did.

I was just amazed that those people made those points independently.

Again, I know my husband's root issues. He was raised an Air Force brat, his father was a fighter pilot, and his home was as precisely run as any military base. There wasn't much in the way of emotional support in the home, and the 'discipline' my husband grew up with very much crossed the line into physical abuse.

Let's just say that if my husband didn't do things the first time he was told, then he was told again with a 2 x 4 across the back, or a combat boot to his belly. He wasn't raised in the Cleaver household, obviously.

Now, his style of parenting has changed dramatically since he and I got together. He's modified a lot of behaviors, and disciplinary responses, but there's obviously still some more work to be done.

This has been revealing, because I never had a "control situation" to see how the kids act/respond without their father's presence...Until now.

It's highlighted some problems, and now I'm praying and searching for the best way to resolve those issues with my husband, while presenting it in a way that doesn't shred my husband's psyche.