Spouse demanding access to all online accounts

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.chrys.

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In our marriage, we have full access to all accounts. Nothing is left inaccessible by either party. Sometimes things "break", but it gives us an opportunity to fix stuff too! :)

For what it's worth, I am the one who does most of the bill paying and keeping of the ledgers--but when it's necessary (if I'm out of town or ill, for example), my husband will take over paying the bills and keeping things in order.

For us, marriage is teamwork--we are each other's "help-meet".
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I had some comments but most have addressed it well. Marriage is not 50%/50%. Its 100%/100%. And that means having access to everything. Some say its an invasion of privacy. But I say whats privacy? Marriage is if anything the opposite of privacy. Now I realize some feel their spouse may check on them all the time.

But often people fail to realize your spouse isn't saying they want to check your stuff all the time. Its more of a test to see if you are willing to let them see everything out of trust. Just as they will let you see everything too. My wife and I share everything. No hidden accounts, no hidden passwords. When you open trust like this it means the other person won't feel the need to "check" up on you because your stuff is always open and they have no reason not to trust you.

Now like if you worked for the FBI then obviously you wouldn't be able to let her access certain things. Granted the FBI workers only can access there stuff from where they work anyways. I see more marriages that go bad after awhile because when things aren't shared, it starts to make the other spouse feel like your hiding something. And thats when their feelings turn from upset to angry then to paranoia. Then you will hear things like "Are you cheating on me? Is that why you don't want me to see things?". At that point the trust is gone and will take forever to gain back.

So share everything now or the road back to full trust will not be easy.
 
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Inkachu

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I have been married to my spouse for nearly 10 years. She has recently been pretty adamant that she wants full access to our online credit card and phone accounts. I have always handled the finances for us. I asked her why she was wanting this and she said that she wants more openess between us. I told her I could print out a monthly statement for her so she wouldn't feel I was going something behind her back, but I wasn't comfortable with her using my login to access the accounts, but she got angry about that and said it wasn't enough. She says that this is just an example of me being controlling. I don't feel I am being controlling. We both have a credit card to our one account and she has her own phone. I feel I have lightened up quite a bit over the last few years. I used to want to know everything that was going on, but I don't try to check up on her through her phone or what she spends. I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something. I have asked other guys and they have said that they have handled all the finances for their family as well and that their spouse wanting access to those accounts has never come up. I am wondering what other's thoughts and perspectives are on this and if your spouse has full access to your accounts and how you feel you can build trust in this area with your spouse.
Thanks.

If you have nothing to hide, then you hide nothing.

My husband and I have joint everything. We each know each others' log in information to our bank accounts and stuff. I don't understand the concept of having "private" financial information when you're married UNLESS someone is trying to hide something. Obviously if there's infidelity or lying or someone's trying to build a nest egg so they can sneak out the door, then yeah.
 
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Naboo

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To my husband and I, one of the joys of marriage to us was becoming a union, sharing everything, and sharing our lives together. Basically - "What's mine is yours." We share all of our finances and all of our accounts. We have joint everything. Not only does it show us that we trust one another, we are a partnership and we 'do life' together, but for an emergency situation wouldn't you want your wife to be able to access and control the finances? What if something happened to you and she did not have authority to access the finances?

I've never really understood couples that get married, but then continue to live separately, keep things from each other, or live without trust of one another, especially when it comes to finances. To me, marriage is all about joining your lives together and living together.
 
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turkle

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My husband and I also have logins to every financial account. In addition, we have each other's logins to Facebook and email as well. Nothing is hidden.

I agree, you sound controlling. When you married, you became one in God's eyes. Keeping information from your wife does not help unity in the marriage. Of course she will be suspicious if you are not forthcoming.

It will do your marriage well to give her all the passwords with a smile.
 
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HerCrazierHalf

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If it is a joint account then both should have the passwords. You can ask her not to change things though. But my advice would be to carve out some time to go through things together, showing her how you have it structured and why. Then nonchalantly write down the login info and grab a cop of tea.

OTOHI of course differ from the consensus here regarding "individual" accounts, be they financial or otherwise.
 
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HannahT

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Thanks for the replies everyone. It has given me a lot to think about on this issue. It had bothered me that my wife was only concerned about access to our credit card account online and our cell phone account, but no mention of other accounts like electric, gas, mortgage, retirement accounts, etc. It felt like it wasn't about that she wanted to make sure she had access to it in case something happened to me, but more about those areas where someone could "check up" on someone else by their phone or credit card usage. From what someone said earlier about giving your spouse their own login to those accounts may be the way to go. And I do know I need to get on top of providing more information to her on all our accounts in case something happens to me. When she first approached me about this it was with a bit of finger pointing and telling me it had to be done soon, which made me feel there was more to this than just "hey, I just want to make sure in case something happens", and unfortunately it made me question her motives and where it was all coming from (which I still feel I don't have a full answer to). And when I asked a friend of mine, he said that he just handles it all himself as well. I wasn't sure if maybe other couples handled this differently or not.

It really shouldn't matter what her motivation is truly. These are family accounts. In the end it wouldn't matter if they are only in one name either. I have the cell phones, and utilities in my name...because I was the one that signed us UP! We both have separate retirement accounts - or investment accounts - yet in the end if something happens to one of us? He gets mine, and I get his.

If my husband refused? That would send up huge red flags to me. You don't need her motives, and shouldn't be asking her to account for WHY she wants this either. She is a fellow adult, and should be able to access this just as you do. She shouldn't have to demand either - you should have had a way for her access it from the beginning.

I have accounting experience, and at one time I did my business and our personal stuff. It never would have dawned on me to NOT tell him how to access these things. I finally asked him to take over the personal stuff, and had to drag him kicking and screaming to do it finally online. ^_^ When I closed my business to tend to family illness, etc I told him he could keep it too! :p

These are family accounts, and the two adults should always have access. Minus some odd circumstance it should always be that way too. Remember your the husband - not the Daddy. She shouldn't have to ask for how to access these things - it should be a given.
 
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HannahT

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I can understand a husband not giving his wife access to the finances if she is a shopaholic that runs up credit card bills or if she literally out to destroy him financially. But if she's responsible and trustworthy, why not share the info?

Link - I can't tell you how many circumstances I have run into when the above happened, and removing access didn't make a hill of beans difference. I've seen it with both spouses being the irresponsible one, and you would be amazed at how they get around that....believe me. It's truly awful.

In certain states only a legal separation or state of divorce proceedings in the only true way. The damage done prior? That's on both most of the time.

I've found that most of the time its both parties - and not just one - contributes to the financial mess most families find themselves in. Sure, you do find certain circumstances - like medical or catastrophic - that it can't be helped. Majority of the time? It's both.

Point is - denying access does nothing most of the time. It's crazy!
 
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abacabb3

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If this were the other way around, and she did all the finances and the man asked for it, we would all say "he's head of the household, of course he should have access to all these things."

Now when it's a woman, we immediately think, "Bro, she's positioning herself to screw you out of all your money."

Dude, I know how it is. It's scary. I suppose marriage is scary. We are one flesh with our wife. We have to be willing to die for our wives, not because they are good (they are sinners like us) but because Christ was willing to die for us. We need to be Christ for our lives.

So even if the result is that your wife screws you out of a ton of money and leaves you (God forbid), you still have not suffered to the point of shedding blood, which God can rightfully ask from you.

Short answer: Don't try to win your wife over with words. Search the Scriptures together, share the passwords with love, and tell her how you trust her and apologize for being controlling sometimes, asking her to forgive and bear with you if you still act controlling because Christ is patient with all of us.

God bless,
Craig


P.S. If your marriage has obvious problems right now, you may want to consider counseling before doing any of this.
 
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All4Christ

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My husband and I struggled with this at the beginning (still do, sometimes). I'm not sure if we made the best decision, but it seems to work for us. We both have access to our joint account with separate logins. Our paychecks go into our joint account. Each of us has a personal account in which we deposit a small amount each pay period (automatically). This way we can surprise each other with gifts, and feel like we have a little more flexibility with a chunk of money. If he wants to buy some fishing gear with money from his personal account, I won't be complaining. if I want to buy something with mine, I can do that without discussing it with him. Before using our joint account for major purchases, we run it by each other. This has worked for us, but we still struggle at times with working out the best solution.

From a wife's perspective, I agree that it is best to both have this information, as it builds trust. If you feel that you need a separate account, then maybe an 'allowance' so to speak, into accounts that are separately managed might help. This was the compromise we made, but I would have preferred is to both have access to everything.
 
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RedPonyDriver

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My husband and I have had separate bank accounts ever since we've been together. HOWEVER...he has the log in information to mine and I have the log in information for his. I have all the bills electronically sent through my bank for me to pay...but, I always tell him what the bill is and when it gets paid (if heaven forbid, anything happened to me). We transfer money back and forth between accounts (they're linked online) as needed.

That said...I don't think that anything can be "broken" by giving the wife access to the online accounts. As I said above, we have separate accounts but full transparency. I don't get what the big deal is with secrecy...
 
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Avniel

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Personally I don't see how it's a controlling issue at all. The truth is I think it's cause by male bias I personally believe THEY(the both of them) as a couple need to work on trust. He doesn't trust her with his hard earned money.
 
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HannahT

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Could be male bias, and he did mention trust issues.

I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something.

Male bias could be seen as a controlling aspect (he feels it is not necessary), but I don't know what he meant by her inadvertently breaking something.
 
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Avniel

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Could be male bias, and he did mention trust issues.



Male bias could be seen as a controlling aspect (he feels it is not necessary), but I don't know what he meant by her inadvertently breaking something.
No I'm saying male bias as in because he is a male people tend to add on to issues more associated with men.

If I'm scared you're going to break something that's trust not control. She has her own account, she has her own money. He doesn't trust her with the money point blank period. That's directly trust. Anytime a man takes a position that goes against his wife he automatically is controlling. I don't think that's right.
 
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Avniel

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Okay. Then I'm confused by what you mean by male bias. I'm also unsure what he meant by breaking something either.

He didn't say he didn't trust her with the money - he said he saw no reason she needed access. There are huge middle area between the two of course.
Maybe I said that totally wrong, I think that people have a certain bias towards male gender.

I get what he is saying I don't agree with it but it's not controlling.

He has a well oiled and well maintained machine that works well. Now she is looking at him for his keys but he's driven it soooo well for some years now.

What he is saying is "I don't want to give her the information I have this system that works for me if she comes in a breaks something I am going to be the one doing the fix.........she's got her own too so why does she even need the info(frustration and fear)." It mostly has to do with trust
 
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