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Spouse demanding access to all online accounts

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by swf75, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. .chrys.

    .chrys. Guest

    +0
    In our marriage, we have full access to all accounts. Nothing is left inaccessible by either party. Sometimes things "break", but it gives us an opportunity to fix stuff too! :)

    For what it's worth, I am the one who does most of the bill paying and keeping of the ledgers--but when it's necessary (if I'm out of town or ill, for example), my husband will take over paying the bills and keeping things in order.

    For us, marriage is teamwork--we are each other's "help-meet".
     
  2. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,943
    Christian
    Married
    I had some comments but most have addressed it well. Marriage is not 50%/50%. Its 100%/100%. And that means having access to everything. Some say its an invasion of privacy. But I say whats privacy? Marriage is if anything the opposite of privacy. Now I realize some feel their spouse may check on them all the time.

    But often people fail to realize your spouse isn't saying they want to check your stuff all the time. Its more of a test to see if you are willing to let them see everything out of trust. Just as they will let you see everything too. My wife and I share everything. No hidden accounts, no hidden passwords. When you open trust like this it means the other person won't feel the need to "check" up on you because your stuff is always open and they have no reason not to trust you.

    Now like if you worked for the FBI then obviously you wouldn't be able to let her access certain things. Granted the FBI workers only can access there stuff from where they work anyways. I see more marriages that go bad after awhile because when things aren't shared, it starts to make the other spouse feel like your hiding something. And thats when their feelings turn from upset to angry then to paranoia. Then you will hear things like "Are you cheating on me? Is that why you don't want me to see things?". At that point the trust is gone and will take forever to gain back.

    So share everything now or the road back to full trust will not be easy.
     
  3. LinkH

    LinkH Regular Member

    +644
    Christian
    Married
    I can understand a husband not giving his wife access to the finances if she is a shopaholic that runs up credit card bills or if she literally out to destroy him financially. But if she's responsible and trustworthy, why not share the info?
     
  4. Inkachu

    Inkachu Bursting with fruit flavor!

    +3,722
    Christian
    Married
    US-Others
    If you have nothing to hide, then you hide nothing.

    My husband and I have joint everything. We each know each others' log in information to our bank accounts and stuff. I don't understand the concept of having "private" financial information when you're married UNLESS someone is trying to hide something. Obviously if there's infidelity or lying or someone's trying to build a nest egg so they can sneak out the door, then yeah.
     
  5. Naboo

    Naboo Newbie

    68
    +9
    Christian Seeker
    Married
    To my husband and I, one of the joys of marriage to us was becoming a union, sharing everything, and sharing our lives together. Basically - "What's mine is yours." We share all of our finances and all of our accounts. We have joint everything. Not only does it show us that we trust one another, we are a partnership and we 'do life' together, but for an emergency situation wouldn't you want your wife to be able to access and control the finances? What if something happened to you and she did not have authority to access the finances?

    I've never really understood couples that get married, but then continue to live separately, keep things from each other, or live without trust of one another, especially when it comes to finances. To me, marriage is all about joining your lives together and living together.
     
  6. turkle

    turkle Blessed

    738
    +400
    Christian
    Married
    My husband and I also have logins to every financial account. In addition, we have each other's logins to Facebook and email as well. Nothing is hidden.

    I agree, you sound controlling. When you married, you became one in God's eyes. Keeping information from your wife does not help unity in the marriage. Of course she will be suspicious if you are not forthcoming.

    It will do your marriage well to give her all the passwords with a smile.
     
  7. HerCrazierHalf

    HerCrazierHalf closet atheist

    294
    +70
    Agnostic
    Married
    If it is a joint account then both should have the passwords. You can ask her not to change things though. But my advice would be to carve out some time to go through things together, showing her how you have it structured and why. Then nonchalantly write down the login info and grab a cop of tea.

    OTOHI of course differ from the consensus here regarding "individual" accounts, be they financial or otherwise.
     
  8. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,812
    Christian
    Married
    It really shouldn't matter what her motivation is truly. These are family accounts. In the end it wouldn't matter if they are only in one name either. I have the cell phones, and utilities in my name...because I was the one that signed us UP! We both have separate retirement accounts - or investment accounts - yet in the end if something happens to one of us? He gets mine, and I get his.

    If my husband refused? That would send up huge red flags to me. You don't need her motives, and shouldn't be asking her to account for WHY she wants this either. She is a fellow adult, and should be able to access this just as you do. She shouldn't have to demand either - you should have had a way for her access it from the beginning.

    I have accounting experience, and at one time I did my business and our personal stuff. It never would have dawned on me to NOT tell him how to access these things. I finally asked him to take over the personal stuff, and had to drag him kicking and screaming to do it finally online. ^_^ When I closed my business to tend to family illness, etc I told him he could keep it too! :p

    These are family accounts, and the two adults should always have access. Minus some odd circumstance it should always be that way too. Remember your the husband - not the Daddy. She shouldn't have to ask for how to access these things - it should be a given.
     
  9. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,812
    Christian
    Married
    Link - I can't tell you how many circumstances I have run into when the above happened, and removing access didn't make a hill of beans difference. I've seen it with both spouses being the irresponsible one, and you would be amazed at how they get around that....believe me. It's truly awful.

    In certain states only a legal separation or state of divorce proceedings in the only true way. The damage done prior? That's on both most of the time.

    I've found that most of the time its both parties - and not just one - contributes to the financial mess most families find themselves in. Sure, you do find certain circumstances - like medical or catastrophic - that it can't be helped. Majority of the time? It's both.

    Point is - denying access does nothing most of the time. It's crazy!
     
  10. abacabb3

    abacabb3 Newbie

    +300
    Christian
    Married
    If this were the other way around, and she did all the finances and the man asked for it, we would all say "he's head of the household, of course he should have access to all these things."

    Now when it's a woman, we immediately think, "Bro, she's positioning herself to screw you out of all your money."

    Dude, I know how it is. It's scary. I suppose marriage is scary. We are one flesh with our wife. We have to be willing to die for our wives, not because they are good (they are sinners like us) but because Christ was willing to die for us. We need to be Christ for our lives.

    So even if the result is that your wife screws you out of a ton of money and leaves you (God forbid), you still have not suffered to the point of shedding blood, which God can rightfully ask from you.

    Short answer: Don't try to win your wife over with words. Search the Scriptures together, share the passwords with love, and tell her how you trust her and apologize for being controlling sometimes, asking her to forgive and bear with you if you still act controlling because Christ is patient with all of us.

    God bless,
    Craig


    P.S. If your marriage has obvious problems right now, you may want to consider counseling before doing any of this.
     
  11. All4Christ

    All4Christ ✙ The Handmaid of God Laura ✙ Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

    +6,400
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    My husband and I struggled with this at the beginning (still do, sometimes). I'm not sure if we made the best decision, but it seems to work for us. We both have access to our joint account with separate logins. Our paychecks go into our joint account. Each of us has a personal account in which we deposit a small amount each pay period (automatically). This way we can surprise each other with gifts, and feel like we have a little more flexibility with a chunk of money. If he wants to buy some fishing gear with money from his personal account, I won't be complaining. if I want to buy something with mine, I can do that without discussing it with him. Before using our joint account for major purchases, we run it by each other. This has worked for us, but we still struggle at times with working out the best solution.

    From a wife's perspective, I agree that it is best to both have this information, as it builds trust. If you feel that you need a separate account, then maybe an 'allowance' so to speak, into accounts that are separately managed might help. This was the compromise we made, but I would have preferred is to both have access to everything.
     
  12. Sheenagh Tucker

    Sheenagh Tucker Newbie

    50
    +5
    Catholic
    Married
    I guess it is just a matter of how much you trust each other. Some couples do not share access but is totally okay with it. I am either for or against it.
     
  13. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +6,190
    Messianic
    My question is why all of sudden after all these years is she "demanding" access to the credit cards and not the house bills?
     
  14. RedPonyDriver

    RedPonyDriver Professional Pot Stirrer

    +2,331
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Democrat
    My husband and I have had separate bank accounts ever since we've been together. HOWEVER...he has the log in information to mine and I have the log in information for his. I have all the bills electronically sent through my bank for me to pay...but, I always tell him what the bill is and when it gets paid (if heaven forbid, anything happened to me). We transfer money back and forth between accounts (they're linked online) as needed.

    That said...I don't think that anything can be "broken" by giving the wife access to the online accounts. As I said above, we have separate accounts but full transparency. I don't get what the big deal is with secrecy...
     
  15. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

    +368
    Pentecostal
    Married
    US-Democrat
    Personally I don't see how it's a controlling issue at all. The truth is I think it's cause by male bias I personally believe THEY(the both of them) as a couple need to work on trust. He doesn't trust her with his hard earned money.
     
  16. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,812
    Christian
    Married
    Could be male bias, and he did mention trust issues.

    Male bias could be seen as a controlling aspect (he feels it is not necessary), but I don't know what he meant by her inadvertently breaking something.
     
  17. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

    +368
    Pentecostal
    Married
    US-Democrat
    No I'm saying male bias as in because he is a male people tend to add on to issues more associated with men.

    If I'm scared you're going to break something that's trust not control. She has her own account, she has her own money. He doesn't trust her with the money point blank period. That's directly trust. Anytime a man takes a position that goes against his wife he automatically is controlling. I don't think that's right.
     
  18. HannahT

    HannahT Newbie Supporter

    +1,812
    Christian
    Married
    Okay. Then I'm confused by what you mean by male bias. I'm also unsure what he meant by breaking something either.

    He didn't say he didn't trust her with the money - he said he saw no reason she needed access. There are huge middle area between the two of course.
     
  19. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

    +368
    Pentecostal
    Married
    US-Democrat
    Maybe I said that totally wrong, I think that people have a certain bias towards male gender.

    I get what he is saying I don't agree with it but it's not controlling.

    He has a well oiled and well maintained machine that works well. Now she is looking at him for his keys but he's driven it soooo well for some years now.

    What he is saying is "I don't want to give her the information I have this system that works for me if she comes in a breaks something I am going to be the one doing the fix.........she's got her own too so why does she even need the info(frustration and fear)." It mostly has to do with trust
     
  20. Messy

    Messy Well-Known Member

    +1,983
    Christian
    Single
    nm
     
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