Spouse demanding access to all online accounts

[swf75]

I have been married to my spouse for nearly 10 years. She has recently been pretty adamant that she wants full access to our online credit card and phone accounts. I have always handled the finances for us. I asked her why she was wanting this and she said that she wants more openess between us. I told her I could print out a monthly statement for her so she wouldn't feel I was going something behind her back, but I wasn't comfortable with her using my login to access the accounts, but she got angry about that and said it wasn't enough. She says that this is just an example of me being controlling. I don't feel I am being controlling. We both have a credit card to our one account and she has her own phone. I feel I have lightened up quite a bit over the last few years. I used to want to know everything that was going on, but I don't try to check up on her through her phone or what she spends. I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something. I have asked other guys and they have said that they have handled all the finances for their family as well and that their spouse wanting access to those accounts has never come up. I am wondering what other's thoughts and perspectives are on this and if your spouse has full access to your accounts and how you feel you can build trust in this area with your spouse.
Thanks.

 

[Dave-W]

Hard to say from this amount of info. Handling the accounts has went back and forth a couple of times depending on what was going on in our lives. (been married 37 years)

Is there something else going on as well?

 

[Samuel_Rigby]

My wife and I share access to everything. She has my passwords and I have hers. I trust her completely and she trusts me completely. This, IMO, is how it should be.

Another thing to consider is. . .if something should happen to you, can she gain access to the accounts? If you completely shut her out--acting as a gateway to accessing the accounts--if something were to happen to you she might not be able to get access. I've known this to actually happen. Men--with all the best intentions--feel it is their manly duty to handle all the finances. But the man will die and his wife will find it very difficult to access their accounts. Doing this is not doing your wife any favors. It does suggest you are being too controlling. If there is nothing to hide, why not allow her access? You think she is going to "break" something, but it sounds as if you just don't want her to have access. Pride or ego maybe?

 

[Dave-W]

.if something should happen to you, can she gain access to the accounts? If you completely shut her out--acting as a gateway to accessing the accounts--if something were to happen to you she might not be able to get access. I've known this to actually happen.

Good point. we are getting to the point where that could happen to either or both of us and our youngest daughter is wanting to know how (should we both go) what insurance we have, what bank accounts, where our final wishes are written down, etc.

there should be some where, some file with all those locations, account numbers and passwords available in case something happens.

 

[Odetta]

I flat out think you're being too controlling and actually find it suspicious. If my husband did that to me, I'd think he has something to hide. It does not build trust in a relationship to keep things from her when she has a legitimate and legal reason to want access.

And I second the notion that you are doing her no favors by keeping her out of the loop. I work with lots of widows whose husbands controlled the finances, and it is heartbreaking the mess they have to deal with when husband is gone, even if the husband was conscientious and above-board.

 

[annafullofgrace]

I see no reason why you wouldn't want your wife to have access to your financial accts. she's your wife and she should. What if something happened to you? What if there was an emergency and she needed access? You can't just call a bank and say I have an emergency and need to access my banking info, but I have no login or passwords. There is so much security on banks that she would need that info. I accidentally locked myself out of our acct last week and I had to put in all kinds of info to gain access and than had to call the bank and verify it with a code ONLY after I answered all the security questions correctly. How can your wife do that if she has no access?

Even if you handle them and you take care of paying everything, she should be able to log in when she wants to check things out. Unless there is something to hide, why is his even an issue?

Now, I handle all of our finances, but my husband can access them whenever he likes. Perhaps your wife is upset because by the information you've provided, it does seem like there is some obvious trust and control issues. Definitely communication. You say should could inadvertently break something? What could she break by checking in on the finances?

 

[ValleyGal]

I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something.

You feel this is a trust issue....if it is, giving her the login information would be one way to build that trust then. Not only that, but imo, the trust issues go both ways because you don't trust her not to "break" something. How on earth can she possibly "break" something by logging into the accounts? Let's turn the table a little now, too. What if SHE had control of the finances all these years, and then you wanted full access? Would you be totally trusting of her if she denied you access but you offered to give her a token bank statement at the end of the month? I'm with Odetta....you do sound controlling - given the little information we have.

 

[LinkH]

Unless she's messed up your computers or accounts in the past, why are you afraid she'll break something?

You should look over the terms and conditions of the websites. Sometimes you have to agree not to give your password to anyone. If you have a joint credit card account and an online password, probably, the right way for her to get access is to go online and set up her own account, enter her card info, and get access to the information through her own account. The phone may be the same.

If my wife wanted to see our credit card online (instead of just looking at the statement), I'd either log in myself and let her look around. If she wanted access a lot, I'd suggest she get her own account and password. That's the way it's supposed to be done.

Her demanding access to your passwords could also be seen as controlling depending on the context. But like a lot of other posters have pointed out, if something happened to you and she doesn't know how to get to the right information, that could be a problem. If she has bank account numbers in joint accounts and credit card statements, that shouldn't be a problem, though. She probably doesn't need access to your online account. If you have your own accounts without her name on it, then legally it can be a mess for her to get to the money, I'd guess, as someone who isn't a lawyer.

 

[WolfGate]

You're being too controlling.

And you build trust in this area by trusting her.

 

[tall73]

I have been married to my spouse for nearly 10 years. She has recently been pretty adamant that she wants full access to our online credit card and phone accounts. I have always handled the finances for us. I asked her why she was wanting this and she said that she wants more openess between us.

At face value it sounds like she wants to know who you are speaking to, and where you are spending your money. Have there been other issues in the marriage? Jealousy? Accusations of affairs?

If you think it is about money instead, have there been problems financially or any reason for her to wonder where you are spending money?

 

[AvilaSurfer]

"Sure honey, here are the passwords. Knock yourself out. " problem solved.

 

[DZoolander]

I think you're being either too controlling, or too paranoid as well.

My wife and I do a lot of online banking. What exactly do you think she might "break" by having access to all of those accounts? Are you afraid she'll make a payment or something without notifying you and therefore you'll end up double paying on something causing a deficit? Are you afraid she'll transfer money out of one account (like checking) into savings without telling you - and you'll have outstanding checks that might not be covered?

I mean - it's hard to "break" anything. The only thing I could foresee is if you're financially tight and miscommunication over where money was going caused a problem. But - apart from that it's all pretty "unbreakable".

Or are you thinking she might be thinking of leaving you - and may transfer money from the account surreptitiously to another account completely under her control so she can bail?

Those are the only things I can see as possibly "legitimate" (and I put that in quotes intentionally) reasons for being skittish about giving her access to the accounts.

 

[DZoolander]

As for other comments people have made about the legit reasons for both partners having complete knowledge and total access - those are totally true.

My mom and dad had a pretty conventional relationship. He worked - she took care of the home/finances. He trusted her to take care of everything - and he was only minimally involved.

Welp - she died first pretty suddenly. She started feeling ill - they discovered pancreatic cancer - and about a month later she was gone. During that month - they were far too overwhelmed with the medical stuff to have any sort of meaningful discussion about finances, where the money was, etc.

It took me like 4-5 months operating completely in the dark - based solely upon statements that came in the mail - to piece everything together and get his affairs in order. He was in no state to do it after her passing - and really had no grasp of where anything was except for the primary checking/savings accounts. He didn't really know where the investment accounts were, what she had in safety deposit boxes, how many safety deposit boxes there were, etc. It was a nightmare.

The more she knows - the better off everyone will be in the long run.

Unless there's something douchey going on, of course.

 

[swf75]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It has given me a lot to think about on this issue. It had bothered me that my wife was only concerned about access to our credit card account online and our cell phone account, but no mention of other accounts like electric, gas, mortgage, retirement accounts, etc. It felt like it wasn't about that she wanted to make sure she had access to it in case something happened to me, but more about those areas where someone could "check up" on someone else by their phone or credit card usage. From what someone said earlier about giving your spouse their own login to those accounts may be the way to go. And I do know I need to get on top of providing more information to her on all our accounts in case something happens to me. When she first approached me about this it was with a bit of finger pointing and telling me it had to be done soon, which made me feel there was more to this than just "hey, I just want to make sure in case something happens", and unfortunately it made me question her motives and where it was all coming from (which I still feel I don't have a full answer to). And when I asked a friend of mine, he said that he just handles it all himself as well. I wasn't sure if maybe other couples handled this differently or not.

 

[Odetta]

Sounds like there are more issues in your marriage than just who controls the money.

 

[katerinah1947]

I have been married to my spouse for nearly 10 years. She has recently been pretty adamant that she wants full access to our online credit card and phone accounts. I have always handled the finances for us. I asked her why she was wanting this and she said that she wants more openess between us. I told her I could print out a monthly statement for her so she wouldn't feel I was going something behind her back, but I wasn't comfortable with her using my login to access the accounts, but she got angry about that and said it wasn't enough. She says that this is just an example of me being controlling. I don't feel I am being controlling. We both have a credit card to our one account and she has her own phone. I feel I have lightened up quite a bit over the last few years. I used to want to know everything that was going on, but I don't try to check up on her through her phone or what she spends. I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something. I have asked other guys and they have said that they have handled all the finances for their family as well and that their spouse wanting access to those accounts has never come up. I am wondering what other's thoughts and perspectives are on this and if your spouse has full access to your accounts and how you feel you can build trust in this area with your spouse.
Thanks.

Hi,
Look up please, Personality Disorder, in Psychology. Your wife also may be merely displaying those symptoms, and if she is, you are now in massive trouble, and doing what she asks will just make it worse.
If however, she is not text-book Anti-social or Nacissistic, then some other posters might be helpful. Other conditions mimick this, but do check it out as you are diplaying the symptoms of a victim also.
I have over 140 man years of experience with these types. I say this neither in an ill informed manner, nor in an unconcerned manner.
LOVE,

...Katie., .... .

 

[annafullofgrace]

Hi,
Look up please, Personality Disorder, in Psychology. Your wife also may be merely displaying those symptoms, and if she is, you are now in massive trouble, and doing what she asks will just make it worse.
If however, she is not text-book Anti-social or Nacissistic, then some other posters might be helpful. Other conditions mimick this, but do check it out as you are diplaying the symptoms of a victim also.
I have over 140 man years of experience with these types. I say this neither in an ill informed manner, nor in an unconcerned manner.
LOVE,

...Katie., .... .

I'm asking this gently... How on earth based on the small amount of info here are you saying that she may have a personality disorder? Based on what is provided there seems to be more issues under the surface. I'm guessing (just guessing) that he has some control issues ( and maybe he is working on them) with these types of things and got defensive when she asked for access. And maybe she is feeling he doesn't trust her. Maybe she has some insecurities as well. either way, communication seems to be the biggest culprit.

OP-talk to your wife'. Sit down and discuss how the two if you communicate. Books such as love and respect and For Men Only and For Women Only. Craig Groschel also has a good book on marriage. If hily recommend doing them as a couple.

 

[katerinah1947]

I'm asking this gently... How on earth based on the small amount of info here are you saying that she may have a personality disorder? Based on what is provided there seems to be more issues under the surface. I'm guessing (just guessing) that he has some control issues ( and maybe he is working on them) with these types of things and got defensive when she asked for access. And maybe she is feeling he doesn't trust her. Maybe she has some insecurities as well. either way, communication seems to be the biggest culprit.

OP-talk to your wife'. Sit down and discuss how the two if you communicate. Books such as love and respect and For Men Only and For Women Only. Craig Groschel also has a good book on marriage. If hily recommend doing them as a couple.

Hi,
I don't understand what you mean by a small amont of information, for the experiece level I quoted. Are you trying to tell me that with your similar background of working with no-remorse by brain damage types that your observations of this mans words are not indicative of a victim of a spouse with Personality disorder or similar mimicking conditions.
I have said, and I am saying it again, look it up. When he looks up Personality Disorder the Psychological Condition, is she doesn't match, then the issue is done, concerning that. But, to always say that things are relationship oriented and nothing else as you are suggesting, is not academically acceptable.
Once this man looks up and understands Personality Disorder, he can decide if the issue is that, and not what everyone here is saying. Will it hurt to be sure. And, have you ever worked or diagnosed people with this for others and then kept them out of trouble, counseling both of them not just the victim? If so, I bow to you more than astute observation that I am wrong. However, it won't hurt him to make sure.
Personality Disorder in Relationships is very much like a crooked politician. On the surface everyone likes him/her as they are nice. Argh! This takes too much time. On average it takes me months to have people understan and the victims years to recover, if their spouse is of any rank of Personality Disorder.
Signs are constant verbal abuse of a light nature. The spouse being pleasant in social situations. Yet, at home the problems start. The spouse also works to separate their mate from all family members, slowly if possible. Money, where it is and getting control of it, is always a goal. Having one person as a slave to them is also a very large goal. Also, their ability to hide this is amazing, they have great memories and use that. This can go on and on. Look it up. It it is not so, the situation is over, for my input. If it is there, no amount of giving in, will make a difference until the other spouse even controls your thoughts if possible.
LOVE,
...Katie., .... .

 

[annafullofgrace]

I mean exactly what I said. I'm not interested in a dialogue with you, we can just agree to disagree.

 

[evoeth]

but I wasn't comfortable with her using my login to access the accounts,.

Depending on your state or the company you hold the account with, it may be qualified as fraud to give another person your credentials. It almost certainly violates the user agreement even if it isn't fraud.

Also, for your credit card, if your wife is a cardholder the CC company will let her make a login. I'm actually surprised she doesn't have one already.