Spirit is making me feel sick from my sin...confused

[Jesus' Girl]

I feel God speaking to me regarding my sin. I have fallen so far back lately. Due to great disappointment in God and the fact I feel pain, anger and annoyance when reading the bible. It is unnessarily hard for me to read. This has been a problem for years. I sought deliverance from people who do that sort to thing and have not had a response and it has been a while, so I’m unsure if they will ever response. I believe I am oppressed by demons inside. I have felt so since I was a child.


My idolatry is reading comics when I’m not allowed to by God’s warning, watching non Christian videos, watching non Christian movies and having hobbies. While these things aren’t sinful they are quickly idols. My life is now consumed by them. Sometimes they fill me with so much contentment because I threw away all my dvds and hobbies. I missed that sense of “me”. I’m scared to surrender these things because it means having nothing like this. I have never truly surrendered to God. I want to surrender Him everything and deny myself and give..but I’m so selfish and wicked inside..I’m scared to give, scared to deny, scared to do everything...I’ve lost all love for people (do feel pity) and feel hatred... I am 100% selfish. I want to give up all to others and God. I want to deny myself pleasures and food and things and give them to others. Including money. I have hatred, sometimes envy, unforgiveness and even bitterness. I prayed and have had no response. I’ve been waiting a long time for help. I keep praying.

My dream inside is to provide help to others and love so deeply. I feel my calling is helping the homeless, elderly and poor. But I’m a very slow minded, mentally disabled sort of person. I can’t go to university so am unsure why God kept calling me to counselling as a job


I have tried small parts of the bible. I still try to pray. I have tried Christian music and enjoy certain songs. I have tried repentance but it wasn’t genuine. I quickly rewatch the videos I deleted and similar actions. I feel sick inside if I try sermons and shut it off. I find it so hard to read the bible. I did try a few audio bible chapters a few days ago.


My inner soul is aching. Last night I had other sinful thoughts and felt filthy afterwards in spirit. Some of it was imagination as a form of self healing. One time I felt it so wonderfully inside I felt the best I’ve felt in about 7 years but felt a strong conviction afterwards. I have never felt as happy as I did through these thoughts I created.

I feel God talking to me but don’t know what to do. I feel God just isn’t helping me.

I’m still having poor sleep despite praying..barely sleep an hour or so (don’t blame God) and still am having nightmares of people from my past who deeply hurt me. I’m also still having sexual dreams and I want these to stop. I’ve soight help to be delivered from these dreams they don’t end. Sometimes I am attacked in my dreams by demons.

I feel I’m in so much turmoil it is really hard. I have soul searched like nothing on earth..even apologised to someone I love for any pain I’ve caused. I’ve cried and just sought as much as I could to get better. Even something new age (wasn’t aware at the time). It just feels like Christianity is full of guilt and pain and always going a step backwards if there is one mini step forward.

 

[☦Marius☦]

I have felt exactly what you are feeling. My weakness has driven me to where I am now preparing to move to a monastery. I'm not saying its for you, but there are many convents for women that do charity work all the time. You spend your days praying and working, removed from all the world. And if you are looking for true asceticism, look for an Orthodox cenobite convent for women. Orthodox monks are not allowed to ever eat meat or drink hard liquor. There mission in life is to live with no possession, pray for the world, and grow closer to God in silence and peace. Often times farming, caring for animals, candlemaking, etc are part of the everyday life and you are doing it all for your brothers and sisters. and the Church.

Just a thought.

Some people have an extraordinarily hard time with wanting to remove themselves from the world which is pretty much impossible nowadays.

 

[☦Marius☦]

The endless cycle is maddening. Pick up an idol, feel guilty, get rid of it- try to replace it with something Holy but it doesn't last. End up right back where I started. It is horrible and depressing.

 

[Jesus' Girl]

The endless cycle is maddening. Pick up an idol, feel guilty, get rid of it- try to replace it with something Holy but it doesn't last. End up right back where I started. It is horrible and depressing.

That is exactly what I’ve dealt with..I bought a Christian colouring book..planned to get rid of it...thought it was legalism and so got a sticker book...will probably have to get rid of that...buy a DVD...feel guilt. Just on and on and on. Got rid of so much stuff I owned and just replace it with new belongings.

 

[☦Marius☦]

That is exactly what I’ve dealt with..I bought a Christian colouring book..planned to get rid of it...thought it was legalism and so got a sticker book...will probably have to get rid of that...buy a DVD...feel guilt. Just on and on and on. Got rid of so much stuff I owned and just replace it with new belongings.

I was exorcised by an Orthodox Priest. It helped me greatly. Though I still have temptation, I am not completely losing my mind and can actually see a path ahead of me.

 

[Radagast]

annoyance when reading the bible. It is unnessarily hard for me to read. This has been a problem for years.

There is a range of translations out there. If you're having trouble reading, move further down this list. But whatever version you get, read it:

having hobbies

Having hobbies is not a sin.

 

[☦Marius☦]

There is a range of translations out there. If you're having trouble, move further down this list:

Having hobbies is, in general, not a sin.

I doubt her issue is with translation, but the ability to actually sit down and concentrate on and take in the message of the words. All translations have commentaries. And I actually find the tougher translations get the theology through better.

As for the hobbies, while in itself not a sin, if she cannot pray correctly, or read the Bible, or worship because she diverts to hobbies immediately then yes it is a problem.

 

[Radagast]

I doubt her issue is with translation, but the ability to actually sit down and concentrate on and take in the message of the words.

And I'm saying that, for most people, it's easier to "sit down and concentrate on and take in the message of the words" with a more readable translation.

 

[☦Marius☦]

And I'm saying that, for most people, it's easier to "sit down and concentrate on and take in the message of the words" with a more readable translation.

Sure but it won't matter what translation she reads if her relationship with God is the issue. She claims her issue is the emotions she feels when reading.

 

[Radagast]

Sure but it won't matter what translation she reads if her relationship with God is the issue.

And I'm saying that the best way to begin to address that, apart from prayer, is to get a readable version of the Bible and read it.

 

[☦Marius☦]

And I'm saying that the best way to begin to address that, apart from prayer, is to get a readable version of the Bible and read it.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you can't pray? Where you are so consumed by trying to distract yourself that you are to indulgent to do anything that you know you need to, and only do what you want?

Have you ever tried to read the Bible, only to have enormous guilt come down on you every time you do? Or that the closer to God you try to get, the worse mentally you become?

Have you ever had serious struggles with doubt, or anger at God, and prayer or worship only brings those things more into focus?



There are circumstances that make it extremely difficult to spiritually progress. While I think God helps those eventually who truly desire it- the process is something that can only be described as mental torture. We all have a cross to bare. Some of us struggle with depression so bad it is almost impossible to motivate to do anything other than survive and sleep. That is when prayer becomes almost impossible, and a routine un-achievable.

When I was younger I could feel guilt weeks after some small thing I did, and no matter how many people I confessed to, or how much I prayed about it, the guilt would remain. That kind of thing tears a person up inside, and makes them want to ignore spiritual things. But if they know they need spiritual things it causes a painful conflict.

 

[Jesus' Girl]

You seem to be understanding my situation more clearly than anyone else has done for me.

 

[teofansan]

You sound like nun. Better try to find something to read about monastics.

 

[Radagast]

There are circumstances that make it extremely difficult to spiritually progress.

And the answer is God. It is always God. The answer is not within ourselves.

 

[EmmaCat]

Pray unceasingly and give it time. As we pray and become closer to God and Jesus, answers will come.

In the meantime if anything one does or involves oneself in, if it does not glorify God it is to be done away with.

All good things
Emmy

 

[HopefulHepatica]

That is exactly what I’ve dealt with..I bought a Christian colouring book..planned to get rid of it...thought it was legalism and so got a sticker book...will probably have to get rid of that...buy a DVD...feel guilt. Just on and on and on. Got rid of so much stuff I owned and just replace it with new belongings.

I think it's overthinking due to guilt, there's something heavy weighing on you and the enemy is definitely confusing your thoughts and making it difficult for you.

I don't believe God is bothered by you colouring in a Christian colouring book, for one. Anything that has you thinking of Him, honoring Him (even just colouring pictures of biblical figures is still thinking of Him) isn't bad. God judges your heart, your intentions, and you just wanting some peace? He isn't going to be angry with you for that.

Like what EmmaCat said, if you find yourself involved with or spending more time thinking of things that do not glorify God, it needs to be set aside, but it seems like you're having difficulty discerning what those things are. Just spend time in prayer and with God's word. We get impatient and often, rely on our feelings to be our guide but they're just as confused and helpless, and prone to being misleading.

Don't give up, pray that God unveils His word to you and makes it easier for you to understand. Growing up in a Christian household I've had the bible in my hands ever since I can remember...I will tell you, I could not wrap my head around the Word for YEARS. It just seemed confusing or stories that weren't relevant to me at the time.

I didn't understand it, but when I prayed about it, God has over the years helped me to read it the way He designed it. He can do that for you, too. I also have had a hard time in the past just sitting down and focusing on His word or making time for prayer, but believe me, when you do this continually each day, He will come to your aid. You'll experience the changes.

 

[Job3315]

I feel God speaking to me regarding my sin. I have fallen so far back lately. Due to great disappointment in God and the fact I feel pain, anger and annoyance when reading the bible. It is unnessarily hard for me to read. This has been a problem for years. I sought deliverance from people who do that sort to thing and have not had a response and it has been a while, so I’m unsure if they will ever response. I believe I am oppressed by demons inside. I have felt so since I was a child.


My idolatry is reading comics when I’m not allowed to by God’s warning, watching non Christian videos, watching non Christian movies and having hobbies. While these things aren’t sinful they are quickly idols. My life is now consumed by them. Sometimes they fill me with so much contentment because I threw away all my dvds and hobbies. I missed that sense of “me”. I’m scared to surrender these things because it means having nothing like this. I have never truly surrendered to God. I want to surrender Him everything and deny myself and give..but I’m so selfish and wicked inside..I’m scared to give, scared to deny, scared to do everything...I’ve lost all love for people (do feel pity) and feel hatred... I am 100% selfish. I want to give up all to others and God. I want to deny myself pleasures and food and things and give them to others. Including money. I have hatred, sometimes envy, unforgiveness and even bitterness. I prayed and have had no response. I’ve been waiting a long time for help. I keep praying.

My dream inside is to provide help to others and love so deeply. I feel my calling is helping the homeless, elderly and poor. But I’m a very slow minded, mentally disabled sort of person. I can’t go to university so am unsure why God kept calling me to counselling as a job


I have tried small parts of the bible. I still try to pray. I have tried Christian music and enjoy certain songs. I have tried repentance but it wasn’t genuine. I quickly rewatch the videos I deleted and similar actions. I feel sick inside if I try sermons and shut it off. I find it so hard to read the bible. I did try a few audio bible chapters a few days ago.


My inner soul is aching. Last night I had other sinful thoughts and felt filthy afterwards in spirit. Some of it was imagination as a form of self healing. One time I felt it so wonderfully inside I felt the best I’ve felt in about 7 years but felt a strong conviction afterwards. I have never felt as happy as I did through these thoughts I created.

I feel God talking to me but don’t know what to do. I feel God just isn’t helping me.

I’m still having poor sleep despite praying..barely sleep an hour or so (don’t blame God) and still am having nightmares of people from my past who deeply hurt me. I’m also still having sexual dreams and I want these to stop. I’ve soight help to be delivered from these dreams they don’t end. Sometimes I am attacked in my dreams by demons.

I feel I’m in so much turmoil it is really hard. I have soul searched like nothing on earth..even apologised to someone I love for any pain I’ve caused. I’ve cried and just sought as much as I could to get better. Even something new age (wasn’t aware at the time). It just feels like Christianity is full of guilt and pain and always going a step backwards if there is one mini step forward.

Thanks for opening up and being vulnerable, that takes courage and I admire people who seek help.

The Lord works in seasons and from what I read you are trying to cover many seasons all at once.

One time I remember I told God I wanted to be completely healed and delivered, because that's what I heard from people, but the thing is I heard about their deliverance but they didn't say about the years of turmoil they went through. So I was frustrated because I wanted healing and deliverance right away. It didn’t work like that for me. I remember God wispering: “Do you remember when you were a child and you were trying to pull weeds with your hands?” I said yes. He then explained that when I try to pull the plant I would get cuts in my hands and barely were able to get the root out, just the leaves. Same is with sin/wickedness. If you work slowly around the roots, removing the dirt, you’ll be able to remove the whole plant and the root, removing it completely without hurting your hands. So it’s important to take steps into your healing and restoration. Maybe you can’t handle a chapter a day, but you can start with a verse a week. Get a bible verse and meditate on it, even if you are still watching tv shows, movies or whatever you think it’s not pleasing God, take that verse and daily while going to work, at home, meditate on it. Eventually you can move to a verse a day and slowly grow. The idea is to start feeding your spirit.

There’s a movie called The Deep End of the Ocean. Its about a child who goes missing and eventually the mother found him, but its been so many years that he doesn't even remember her. It was really frustrating for the child because his reality was a different one now. But the mother worked slowly to bring him back home. It was a slow process that involved the child staying at the new home and in the house of the family who raised him. It’s sort of like that with God, He knows you don’t know who you are, but He wants to help and He knows it can take time. It’s us who want things right away.

By what you described it seems like you have the gift of dreams and visions. I have them as well. Mix that with the gift of discernment and you’ll go nuts if you don’t know how to manage them together. You’ll discern your thoughts plus everyone elses including neighbors. So, I suggest you pray to God and tell Him “here I am, I am listening” get a journal and write down your dreams and visions. It doesn't matter if you think they are good or bad. Write them down. The idea is to organize your thoughts, dreams and visions. The thing is we can get dreams from God, from the devil and from your own soul. But you need to have order in your life.

About comics, movies and wordly songs, it was a long process for me. I don't think those things are all necessarily wrong, it’s just that they came before God so the priorities were not straight. The good thing is God knows we need help. The Bible says that He pulls us with cords of love. The devil is the one who wants to rush us and scare us, the Lord wants to slowly remove the dirt and remove the whole plant with the root (what is causing the problem). God has spoken to me through dreams using characters from movies and tv shows, and used lines of lyrics too. Have you thought God actually likes comics too? I enjoy watching The Defenders and Marvel movies and tv shows, it actually became a subject of conversations with Him. He enjoys that I share with Him my likes and dislikes. He is not always a teacher, He is also a friend. I did stop watching many movies, tv shows and listening to some songs because I realized they were not aligned with what God says about me. Why should I watch a scary movie if the Lord repetitively says not to fear? why bring fear into my life if that’s not what He wants for me? I became conscious about what I ate, read, watched and listened because they were simply not good for me. Connecting myself with what God wants for me brought peace into my life.

The soul has lived without God for so long it doesn't want to submit, but as you grow the soul starts to lean towards its original design.

Also, remember, you can’t help others if you are not well yourself. If you feel God is guiding you towards counceling (He wont force you to) then start working on yourself first.

About dreams: repetitive dreams mean an issue you need to deal with. Journaling will help you see more deep into what the problem is; curses, sin; generational iniquities, fear, etc. The first step into healing and deliverance is admiting something is wrong and finding what is causing the problem in the first place.

Hope this helps. Message me if you need more points.

Wish you the best

 

[Jesus' Girl]

I’ll try journaling. I don’t believe I have the gift of dreams as they only negative and involve people from my past.
I’ll see if I can find a verse and think on it to fight

 

[Emli]

I have gone through exactly what you are describing, and so have a lot of us. It's the war between the flesh and the spirit, and the enemy trying to get us to hold on to our pasts, so we won't move forward with Christ. And in my case, and in your case, and for many, many other people, there were also spirits involved. And they will do anything to confuse you and hurt you, and keep your body as their home.

It takes time. God can move fast, but He cares for you and loves you so much, He won't. Because our hearts are fragile. They need love and healing, knowing by faith that God is who He says He is, so we will feel safe with Him and stop trying to find other things to give us comfort. We can remove the idols that give us that false comfort and we can move out of captivity, but if light doesn't feel comfortable to us, we will just run back. And that's why the Lord wants us to know what a fortress He wants to be for us. The Spirit gives us love and joy, not fear. The enemy uses fear and pretends that it comes from God to push us away from freedom in Christ. God wants to heal us and restore our souls, and fill us with His Holy Spirit, so we can walk with Him for His purposes. The enemy wants to keep us bound in sin and fear.

You are suffering from feelings of guilt and shame, and confusion instead of walking with Christ like you want to. As if God is harsh and demanding, condemning you for colouring images from the Bible. That is the lie that the enemy has put in your mind. Reality: that book is a gift from God to give you rest in Him. Trust me, I've been in similar struggles. Hold on to Godly hobbies, because God can use them to set you free.

Remember, God is not a slave driver. Satan is. Any feelings of OCD, lists of do's and dont's, shame and guilt for enjoying something that isn't sin, that all comes from the enemy.

Would you be okay talking to me in a private PM? I'm here for you if you are, but don't feel bad for saying no. I also know a thing or two about deliverance, so I can help you there as well. I'll pray for you either way.

Lots of love in Christ,
Em

 

[Jesus' Girl]

That is true..I just feel I’m in this endless war of back and forth..good and bad every second of my life..this war never ends inside me..like Paul said I wish to do good but don’t and do the bad instead.

The war of tossing things, buying new things, watching a bad video then good after than bad again, planning to throw things away then changing my mind, planning to give this up then keeping it, .planning to go there and say I won’t but do...saying I’ll not do this again but end up doing it in weakness, saying I’ll trust God but get let down when something doesn’t happen (like sleep as I have severe insomnia), not going into a shop then doing so, planning to give things away but not, thinking bad thoughts then my mind tries to correct it by shaking my head as if to get rid of the thought, going to read the bible then feeling pain, telling myself I’ll go home and read the bible and then feel sick again, planning to get better with God then something happens, planning to give it all to God..I don’t...turning back to old issues in my life I thought I had surrendered to God (even crying and making a video on how I was set free)...thinking I’ll do this or that then don’t, planning to put God first then don’t...fasting then becoming overwhelmed with hunger thinking God would help, seeking a church and being blasted by others by not consulting God first, going to church and finding enemies and exclusion...trial after trial after trial, unanswered questions and prayers, being blasted or scolded online by people who just didn’t understand in Christian forums and communities, co fusion, demonic attacks (see my older topics)
Just this is in my mind day after day after day. If you see my older topics I’ve been struggling for a long time

It just doesn’t end

I was paranoid about it for so long that I dreaded hell every second of the day. I felt guilty and very unhappy. This I believe culminated to the excess of sin I’ve commited over the months. I just “lost it”I guess. It was too much. I was already falling in ways I noticed..I stopped sermons, devotionals and things like that.

I want a piece of me still there. I like the things I mentioned. I desire to make things and even do things for free to give to others to make it less selfish. I have a childish part of me that enjoys “kiddy” things and losing that is losing me