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spanking at daycare

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by fortheloveofmychild, Feb 8, 2006.

  1. fortheloveofmychild

    fortheloveofmychild New Member

    I am so confused. My daughter is 3 yrs old, born in October 2002. She goes to a home day care. The lady who does the daycare is my best friends mom. She is also a pasters wife for a Weslyan (sp) church. But there is a problem.

    to give a little detail. My husband and I had our daughtr 3 yrs after we got married. She was 100% planned and we love her very very much, as any parent would. She was 18 months old and wanted to be potty trained, she did very good w/ it and by the time she was 2 or 2 1/2 she was completely potty trained. We do believe that a child can be spanked, when doing something wrong, and you tell the child not do do that behavior, and if nt listening, then spanking is appropriate.

    I have started noticing that every thing our daughtr does that is naughty, she runs holding her bottom saying it was an accident, pls don't spank me. What really bothers me is that for a while she was going through a phase about 6 months ago of wetting her pants. At first I just thought that she was forgetting to go, then it turned into, asking her and reminding her to go all of the time and having her look at me and say i just went potty in my pants. So it started to become a problem where we did give her a spanking when she repeatedly stood there and wet her pants. This continued and took her to the doctor, and he had a bladder infection. Got that all cleared up and no does nt wet her pants at all like she used to. But everytime she dribbles in her pants, the babysitter is giving her a spanking. I totally disagree w/ that, but i need some advice to see if I am the one who is off my rocker or if she is. I want to confront the babysitter, but I need ammuntion and back up on what is right and what is wrong.

  2. Mary_Magdalene

    Mary_Magdalene AKA..Godschosengirl

    Calvary Chapel
    i guess it depends on what your wishes are in that daycare setting. i personally would take my child out of that situation. wouldnt matter if the mom assumed it was ok with me if my child was spanked.

    the thought that someone would go ahead and use this as a form of punishment without asking me first would be a red flag for me.

    i am a parent that believes in spanking. but only from me or my DH.

  3. fortheloveofmychild

    fortheloveofmychild New Member

    Thank you!!!
  4. Hiskid4ever

    Hiskid4ever Standing on the promise of God

    I agree- something like this should have been discussed with you before it ever happened. The first time your daughted did something the sitter felt deserved a spanking she should NOT have done it, but rather told you of the incident and said something like in the future if something like this should happen, can I spank her.

    The fact that your daughter holds her bottom and begs not be be spanked when something naughty happens, should be a red flag to you that it is happening more than just an isolated incident. It sounds like your daughter is expecting to be punished.

    Hope you get this resolved.
  5. CarrieAg93

    CarrieAg93 Senior Veteran

    I don't think you need any "ammunition" when you confront the babysitter. She is your child and if you don't want the babysitter to spank her then she shouldn't. I don't think it needs to be a big confrontation either. Just tell her that you don't want her to spank your daughter anymore. Don't give any justification or apology. Good luck.
  6. lucypevensie

    lucypevensie Not drinking the kool-aid Supporter

    Totally agree!
  7. Stormy

    Stormy Senior Contributor

    The daycare home that you have your child at must be unlicensed. I own a licensed daycare and spanking is not allowed.

    I really feel sorry for your little girl, and hope that if you have to use a sitter while you work that you move her to a loving environment. :)
  8. Christdefinesme

    Christdefinesme Well-Known Member

    This situation makes me mad.
    She has no right to spank your child, unless you give her permission. Not only that, but be prayerful and cautious before you decide to give permission to anyone for this type of discipline. I personally don't think it's a good idea, but you have to decide.
    I agree with others that you don't need ammunition to confront this situation.
    She's your child, you are her protector, and it's up to you to decide how she's raised.
    I am not trying to rile you and get you worked up against your provider, she just was really in the out of line, and I hope that you will put up boundaries soon and I will pray for wisdom and grace for you, the right words, etc.
  9. Peppermint Patty

    Peppermint Patty Member

    I would not allow *anyone* to spank my child except my husband and I. Spanking must be done appropriately, in love and with instruction. It should also be done only when a child is being rebellious, not when she has an accident. If I were you, I would take her out of this situation immediately, or she may develop emotional problems, if she hasn't already.
  10. Athene

    Athene Grammatically incorrect Supporter

    The babysitter has no right to spank your child, IMO you should complain, and remove your child from her, and warn any other parents.
  11. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    My concern would be that even after you confront the babysitter and tell her "No spanking." that the attitide and approach will remain the same. If your daughter piddles, and she cannot be spanked, what will the babysitter do then? This woman clearly felt she was right in spanking other people's children in the first place, so, what other thought does she have about child rearing?

    Plus, what is your daughter's attitude to going to that home? Will she continue to go there with a fair amount of fear every day?

    You may want to seek out new daycare.
  12. JaneFW

    JaneFW Well-Known Member

    This would be a big red flag for me that my child is worried/scared about being spanked for every slightest wrongdoing, and it seemed to be coming from a carer. If ANYone laid a finger on my child, other than my husband or myself, I would be mad, and I would remove him (mine are him's) from that situation - ASAP. I agree with the poster who said that you don't need ammunition. A face to face meeting with the carer and the words "please do not spank my child again or I will take her to another daycare" should entirely suffice! Gosh, I'm really mad with this lady for spanking your daughter! I understand that you feel it is difficult because this is a friend's mom and she is a pastor's wife, but regardless of who she is or what she is, she needs to learn some boundaries with the kids in her care.
  13. Mary_Magdalene

    Mary_Magdalene AKA..Godschosengirl

    Calvary Chapel

    agree with this too. that is why i would just take her out of there.
  14. Mary_Magdalene

    Mary_Magdalene AKA..Godschosengirl

    Calvary Chapel

    exactly. i seems this woman is older and i believe the "old school" way of thinking would dictate that spanking can be done by anyone who is caring/babysitting for a child. that "it takes a town to raise a child" thinking.

    unfortunately, times are not what they once were and these days someone is more apt to spank out of frustration or anger vs. using it as a tool to teach a child.

    my point is...that it may not have been intentionally wrong on the part of your friends mom. I wouldnt make a big huge scene over it-i would just move your daughter.
  15. heron

    heron Legend

    In Relationship
    I agree. You don't even need to explain why. You don't need to ruin a friendship over it. If your daughter is that fearful, the woman must be expressing a lot of anger.

    If you do choose to keep your daughter there, make sure the sitter knows that there's a doctor's excuse for leakage, whether you think it's behavioral or not.

    I had to switch sitters a few times before I found someone that I felt had my children's best interest at heart. These are the years that your children should be learning good and useful things from their caretakers, not reinforcing fears. Every minute is valuable at that age.
  16. Entertaining_Angels

    Entertaining_Angels Well-Known Member

    A child should never, ever be spanked for wetting their pants. I'd pull my child out of that daycare pronto. I believe any child that covers their rear end and begs not to be spanked has been spanked much too often.
  17. Leanna

    Leanna Just me


    I agree with this post.... it sounds like a very negative environment to have your daughter in, and I would immediately find her more positive care.

    .... and I also want to share my own journey with the spanking issue.

    I thought I would be a spanking parent, at first. But the more I read and the more I was around my son the more something didn't seem right. My son was never spanked though because he is still so young, but something seemed wrong with the whole *mindset.* In all my psychology courses I was taught that positive reinforcement has better results than negative reinforcements. So in all my thinking, I wondered, why is it that we try to use negative reinforcers with our children? By that I mean we focus on punishment. I thought there had to be a better way and about the time my son turned one I went on an all out "I must find a better way" binge. I read books, talked to parents, and watched parents out and about. I discovered something that I didn't like about people who were talking to their kids at the indoor park in this area, "You need to stop or I am going to spank you."

    Meanwhile in my child psychology course I learned the following, "How a parent disciplines a child is an integral part of parenting style. No developmentalist would suggest that young children should do whatever they please; but, given what researches have learned about cognition, it is apparent that proactive and preventative discipline is preferable to punishment after the misdeed." (Berger, see below) This baffled me because I wondered.... what, besides punishment IS there? :confused:

    I also learned that among children who were *only* spanked, not hit or beaten in any other way, there was a higher expression of bullying aggression and reactive aggression, reactive aggression being, "she took my toy so I hit her." It has been guessed this is because the child connects spanking to anger, a powerful emotion for a 4 year old(Strassberg, see below).

    One longitudinal study (which means they watch a group and wait all the years for them to grow up and see the outcome) found that the mothers who controlled their children by yelling, grabbing and spanking had children whose aggressive and disruptive behavior increased between 3 and 6, but the effect was less if the families were warm and affectionate (Spieker).

    So this is just some of what I learned that led me to head in the direction of being a non-spanking family. I definitely would also be worried if my little one was running around with fear of punishment. What we are doing instead of spanking is a hands-on approach. It takes more energy because instead of saying "don't do that" from the couch, I am more often to say "no, that's not for you..... lets do this" and then I physically guide him to an appropriate behavior. As he gets older there will be other methods. This is something I am just learning about but I feel it is the right thing and if you have interest of a different way I can give you some links.... otherwise.... I gave everyone some interesting reading ;)

    Berger, Kathleen Stassen. "The Developing Person: Through Childhood and Adolescence," 224, 2003.

    Spieker, Susan J., Larson, Nanacy C., Lewis, Steven M., Keller, Thomas E., & GilChrist, Lewayne. "Child Development," 1999.

    Strassberg, Zvi, Dodge, Kenneth A., Pettit, Gregory S., & Bates, John E., "Development and Psychopathology", 1994.

  18. annaapple

    annaapple Senior Member

    I second the motion. How DARE she?

    Also, I think this kind of frequent spanking happens when someone can't handle a situation. It sounds like your provider is stressed, tired, over-worked and generally not able to cope with her job. Maybe you can also suggest that she get some help? Or take fewer kids? That would help everyone long term.
  19. CrystalBrooke

    CrystalBrooke I'm almost positive I don't care what you think

    I wouldn't care if she was my sister, if she spanked my kid without my permission she wouldn't be watching her anymore. this is why I don't believe in letting anyone besides close family (grandparents, aunts and uncles) to watch my child. I would take her out of the daycare and tell her why, I would also let her know that other parents were going to find out about it.
  20. Savedthroughfaith

    Savedthroughfaith Well-Known Member

    I agree with this post. I would remove her as well. Especially since she did not consult you first!!!