Something's not right. VERY complicated issues. Need advice and prayer.

[DaveHTexas]

I neeed help, advice really. Some background might help.

A few years ago, my brother in law was fighting a battle against cancer, my father in law, and my own dad were both struggling with dementia, and. Well in the span of 12 months we had a grand total of 20 close relatives, friends, and colleagues that died including both of our Dads, her brother, a neice, the second friend I introduced my wife to while we were dating etc...

In that same time frame my wife was being bullied in a VERY toxic workplace, and was dealing with fighting with the other siblings over her Dads care. This lead to multiple long term hospitalizations for what I will kindly refer to as stress induced mental health issues.

She was after coming back to work summarily laid off of her job due to "downsizing" and my job gave us a massive reduction in pay. Needless to say our finances went into the toilet.

I've done what I can, and more probably to isolate my wife from anything stressful. But it has taken a toll on me.

To be blunt, I think I am depressed. Not suicidal or anything like that, or even the whole feeling worthless that most people seem to get, but the other check boxes I click in spades...

I am pretty sure I need to seek out at least a good therapist to help me sort my head out, and get pointed the right way.

Now the bigger problem. I am absolutely terrified to talk to my wife about how I have been feeling, and wanting to seek help. I am scared to death that anything that happens to me, or looks like it might happen to me might trigger another major event for her.

We have no children, or even relatives we can talk to about this. Our church small group I am sure means well, but we have not clicked with them as it all started during COVID, and due to these issues my wife is also terrified of in person meet ups. So the extended support system really isn't there.

I'm not sure what to do, so I can address these issues, and continue to help her address her issues.

I don't want to be dishonest with my wife mind you, but I need to make sure I am okay so I can make sure she is okay. I'm tired of being strong for everyone else...

And honestly, aside from her hospitalization that I would prefer to not remember needing to call 911 to get her help, I have no idea how to even get help for this sort of thing...

 

[SarahsKnight]

I neeed help, advice really. Some background might help.

A few years ago, my brother in law was fighting a battle against cancer, my father in law, and my own dad were both struggling with dementia, and. Well in the span of 12 months we had a grand total of 20 close relatives, friends, and colleagues that died including both of our Dads, her brother, a neice, the second friend I introduced my wife to while we were dating etc...

In that same time frame my wife was being bullied in a VERY toxic workplace, and was dealing with fighting with the other siblings over her Dads care. This lead to multiple long term hospitalizations for what I will kindly refer to as stress induced mental health issues.

She was after coming back to work summarily laid off of her job due to "downsizing" and my job gave us a massive reduction in pay. Needless to say our finances went into the toilet.

I've done what I can, and more probably to isolate my wife from anything stressful. But it has taken a toll on me.

To be blunt, I think I am depressed. Not suicidal or anything like that, or even the whole feeling worthless that most people seem to get, but the other check boxes I click in spades...

I am pretty sure I need to seek out at least a good therapist to help me sort my head out, and get pointed the right way.

Now the bigger problem. I am absolutely terrified to talk to my wife about how I have been feeling, and wanting to seek help. I am scared to death that anything that happens to me, or looks like it might happen to me might trigger another major event for her.

We have no children, or even relatives we can talk to about this. Our church small group I am sure means well, but we have not clicked with them as it all started during COVID, and due to these issues my wife is also terrified of in person meet ups. So the extended support system really isn't there.

I'm not sure what to do, so I can address these issues, and continue to help her address her issues.

I don't want to be dishonest with my wife mind you, but I need to make sure I am okay so I can make sure she is okay. I'm tired of being strong for everyone else...

And honestly, aside from her hospitalization that I would prefer to not remember needing to call 911 to get her help, I have no idea how to even get help for this sort of thing...

Man, these are some dark and trying times for you and your wife both, to say the least, sir. I will pray for you, but, I fear I have no practical advice other than you may want to tell your wife about how you have been feeling. Anybody would be depressed under circumstances like these. Surely even with her own problems and burdens it won't be a trigger for her to know that you aren't feeling so strong yourself right now? Surely she at least has a hint that these past events - the deaths, the workplace bullying, the financial struggles - are affecting you negatively at least a little? Unless you are truly fearful of doing more harm than good by triggering her when she herself is already weighed down with enough problems (and of course you would know her better than I would), then I suggest going ahead and telling her. Be honest with her, but perhaps also tell her your feelings with an air of hope and assurance that you two can and will eventually work through this, and that God will carry you through. I guess, don't tell her about your mounting depression with an air of complete despair like it will never get better or anything like that, because that might definitely do more harm than good did her in her fragile state at this time. Hey, at least the both of you are not each going through this alone; you have each other to carry through.

 

[Jeshu]

o be blunt, I think I am depressed. Not suicidal or anything like that, or even the whole feeling worthless that most people seem to get, but the other check boxes I click in spades...

A lot of people become depressed when a lot of bad life comes their way, not anything you cannot get over again though, if you deal with the bad life within you in the right manner. You need to defuse the time bomb ticking away inside your heart with the loving truth of Jesus.

The only way to do that is to step in God's truth, which means you may not hide away what is going on within you, but need to be open about it to those who it matters to, especially your wife. (The bible calls this coming to the light so the darkness living inside is exposed.

The best is to bring all the bad life living in you, those things living in you triggering depressed feelings, to Jesus - time and again - if need be - and ask for His good life back in return.

You are going to need faith in God's love - our Lord Jesus - before His good life, life in His Spirit, can come down into your heart replacing the bad life.

Usually this process happens slowly, as we bring our bad life and die to being like that, He installs His good life back in its place.

Each time Jesus installs His good life you will celebrate, just keep the party going until all of you triggering depression is in Christ's care.

i hope this is of some use to you.

Peace.

(This Psalm is really useful finding the evildoers bringing you your bad life when you are down the dumps.)
Psalms 6
Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?


I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.


Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.

 

[TheWhat?]

Sorry to hear friend. We're in a similar boat. 20 losses in that short time span is unimaginable to me. I lost only 6, but a few were very close. This also was followed by my walking away from a job due to stress related issues (which were really spiritual at the core) and an attempt to get things sorted.

Here's what I'll share -- on walking away from the job the thing that was primarily on my mind was seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness first, before the other things. Intuitively I just knew that I needed a stronger foundation at my center.

So I did that. It took time but my faith is being strengthened.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I neeed help, advice really. Some background might help.

A few years ago, my brother in law was fighting a battle against cancer, my father in law, and my own dad were both struggling with dementia, and. Well in the span of 12 months we had a grand total of 20 close relatives, friends, and colleagues that died including both of our Dads, her brother, a neice, the second friend I introduced my wife to while we were dating etc...

In that same time frame my wife was being bullied in a VERY toxic workplace, and was dealing with fighting with the other siblings over her Dads care. This lead to multiple long term hospitalizations for what I will kindly refer to as stress induced mental health issues.

She was after coming back to work summarily laid off of her job due to "downsizing" and my job gave us a massive reduction in pay. Needless to say our finances went into the toilet.

I've done what I can, and more probably to isolate my wife from anything stressful. But it has taken a toll on me.

To be blunt, I think I am depressed. Not suicidal or anything like that, or even the whole feeling worthless that most people seem to get, but the other check boxes I click in spades...

I am pretty sure I need to seek out at least a good therapist to help me sort my head out, and get pointed the right way.

Now the bigger problem. I am absolutely terrified to talk to my wife about how I have been feeling, and wanting to seek help. I am scared to death that anything that happens to me, or looks like it might happen to me might trigger another major event for her.

We have no children, or even relatives we can talk to about this. Our church small group I am sure means well, but we have not clicked with them as it all started during COVID, and due to these issues my wife is also terrified of in person meet ups. So the extended support system really isn't there.

I'm not sure what to do, so I can address these issues, and continue to help her address her issues.

I don't want to be dishonest with my wife mind you, but I need to make sure I am okay so I can make sure she is okay. I'm tired of being strong for everyone else...

And honestly, aside from her hospitalization that I would prefer to not remember needing to call 911 to get her help, I have no idea how to even get help for this sort of thing...

I am sorry to hear about your struggles. First and foremost, I commend you for being the "rock" in your family. It is obvious God has given you this gift. Have faith and do not doubt that He will see you through this time of difficulty. Though the feelings of depression loom over you, God will not abandon you. Soon there will be light and you will look back knowing that God led you through times of tribulation. Your faith will grow ever stronger. Stay the course, follow your instincts and pray for more strength. I will pray for you. Be blessed.

 

[Vieste]

I neeed help, advice really. Some background might help.

A few years ago, my brother in law was fighting a battle against cancer, my father in law, and my own dad were both struggling with dementia, and. Well in the span of 12 months we had a grand total of 20 close relatives, friends, and colleagues that died including both of our Dads, her brother, a neice, the second friend I introduced my wife to while we were dating etc...

In that same time frame my wife was being bullied in a VERY toxic workplace, and was dealing with fighting with the other siblings over her Dads care. This lead to multiple long term hospitalizations for what I will kindly refer to as stress induced mental health issues.

She was after coming back to work summarily laid off of her job due to "downsizing" and my job gave us a massive reduction in pay. Needless to say our finances went into the toilet.

I've done what I can, and more probably to isolate my wife from anything stressful. But it has taken a toll on me.

To be blunt, I think I am depressed. Not suicidal or anything like that, or even the whole feeling worthless that most people seem to get, but the other check boxes I click in spades...

I am pretty sure I need to seek out at least a good therapist to help me sort my head out, and get pointed the right way.

Now the bigger problem. I am absolutely terrified to talk to my wife about how I have been feeling, and wanting to seek help. I am scared to death that anything that happens to me, or looks like it might happen to me might trigger another major event for her.

We have no children, or even relatives we can talk to about this. Our church small group I am sure means well, but we have not clicked with them as it all started during COVID, and due to these issues my wife is also terrified of in person meet ups. So the extended support system really isn't there.

I'm not sure what to do, so I can address these issues, and continue to help her address her issues.

I don't want to be dishonest with my wife mind you, but I need to make sure I am okay so I can make sure she is okay. I'm tired of being strong for everyone else...

And honestly, aside from her hospitalization that I would prefer to not remember needing to call 911 to get her help, I have no idea how to even get help for this sort of thing...

I would start, first with prayer for help from the Holy Spirit, then getting an outside Christian counselor with whom to talk. I've been in your situation [different facts] and prayed without ceasing, then sought out a Christian counselor/pastor/leader. I couldn't have gotten through without prayer and the Christian wisdom from someone objective.

Perhaps wait until you consult someone else and get a new perspective before confiding in your wife. It's difficult to say as only you know her condition. If she's relying on you completely, you might wait until after you get some outside counseling as to how to approach her with something that might add to her distress. Eventually, she may share in counseling. You will also be getting yourself strengthened through prayer and guidance.

One thing, however, is certain and so necessary - take it all to Jesus immediately and talk with Him about what to do. He will guide you if you ask. 'Pray without ceasing' is imperative during this time. He will show you the way and lead you to resources. It does work. You will then know the next steps to take - not on your plan - but on His. His way is the only way and the only comfort and help you need.

May God bless and keep you in His good care.