Something to share --- afraid to admit

[sk8brdkd]

I've seen the self-injury forum on this site for awhile. There's something I'm hiding. That I've been hiding for years. The only ones that, well, sorta know are my parents. It doesn't have anything to do w/ cutting and it didn't start out as self-injury but,, it also was kinda bc i agreed to do it.

I really do not want to share this as I feel in my mind people will think how could I be so naive. How could I have ever let this happen and start this series of events? I was dumb and naive and just wanted to fit in and be accepted.

I have always had self-esteem issues from little up.

Back when I was btwn 8-10 yrs old, I made some bad choices which are affecting me still to this day. I'm facing the consequences every single day and i hate myself for it more and more and more.

I was and still am a tomboy. Growing up, I was willing to do whatever it took to be "one of the guys." Whehter it was dressing like them, acting like them, being like that, I was up for anything.

This one time, I met these 2 guys. I am not sure their ages and I don't even think they were related to each other. I started hanging out w/ them in my neighborhood. This one boy, the older one, he was really really scarred up pretty badly. I really didn't think anything of it, he was pretty nice.

Well, I had made the mistake of telling them, I was willing to try anything to be more like the guys. So, the one kid, said, if you want to hang with us, you have to do this. Which was <Staff Edit> kinda almost like burning your legs <Staff Edit>. So, me being young and dumb, did it and, kept it up on and off for weeks <Staff Edit> both my right and left legs are all scarred now bc of my idiotic choice back then. After that was over and done w/, after the skin healed and the scars showed up, once in awhile, when i got depressed and really down, i felt something inwardly, that told me, that i needed to cut but not actually cut, but, needed to feel the pain of a cut and sometimes would purposefully do that just to feel a release. I struggled w/ that on and off throughout my teenager years. No one knew. Not even my parents and they still don't know to that extent eitehr. No one does.

I haven't been able to wear shorts since 2001 bc when growing up, the kid got into my head that in order to be accepted and liked, this is what i had to do. But even w/ that bad issue on top of me, I have another issue w/ my skin bc even when i get a mosquito bite or like the tops of my hands got burned a couple of months ago, my skin doesn't heal properly, it scars up, so, now i have scars on my legs, some on my arms, one on my right shoulder and I can't do anything.

I can't date anyone bc i can't let them see these scars. I feel like I'm going to be single forever bc of the lies that were fed to me and i was stupid enough to believe them.

I've been working on the scars on my legs for the past few years but, idk if anything is helping. I just want to be normal again. i want to wear shorts, I want to be able to go swimming (haven't gone swimming since about 2000).

If my friends want to go swimming or something, I have to come up w/ an excuse as to why I can't. I hate hiding. I hate living a lie. I just want to be normal and I kick myself every single day for what i did back then or, i should say, for what I allowed happen. I wish i could go back in time and start at 8 yrs old again and make different choices then I wouldn't have to live w/ these scars and hide and be depressed about everything.

I haven't actually chosen to not have a bf, but, it just happens that it's "worked" out that way. Makes me so unhappy. No one will love me when they find out what I let happen when I was younger, I feel like I'll never get married.

I've tried everything from Aloe Vera oil (pure all natural stuff), to silicone sheets, to chemical peels to exfoliating stuff, idk if anything is working.

I was also thinking of going to a healing room type of thing but, even w/ that, i question it. How can something like that be healed of completely?

I've been praying a lot about this lately, that God would just like wipe my skin clean or have something I'm using really work but, it's depressing. The older I get, the more I feel like I'll never end up w/ anyone. I'll never be able to get this fixed bc I feel like it'll never go away.

I just want to be accepted, loved and to have fun and be able to show my body off (in good ways), and be myself and not have to hide/lie anymore.

Sorry, this was extremely difficult to admit and talk about.

 

[grandvizier1006]

Look down at my signature. See the Bible verses? I put those there for a reason.

I've never self-harmed, and I've never had fears of people seeing my body (although I'm unattractive and my skin in general is...not in the best condition ). Regardless, though, I think I understand a little bit of what you feel.

I have my own crazy past which stopped me from dating like a "normal teenager" most of my life, which I am struggling to let go of. You're probably going to think it's unusual, at least the way I look at it, but here goes:

<Staff Edit>

<Staff Edit> having this confused, <Staff Edit> pre-existing social awkwardness made me never really date much. I didn't even know that girls were into me, and my desire to date them was more like a distant dream.<Staff Edit>

My point is, I too have a past. A past that I would have to open up to with a potential girlfriend or wife. It's only recently that I've begun to realize that yes, I'm physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature enough to consider dating. I cannot see myself as living single forever, although if I have the gift of singleness, then that's just how it's going to be.

I haven't started dating just yet, and it might be a long while before I will. Or maybe I won't even realize how to do it and as such I won't even try. But regardless, I'm worried that if I did start dating I'd have to tell a girl about my past<Staff Edit>. She'd probably want to leave me then, assuming that <Staff Edit> I'm too psychologically messed up for companionship.

But I'm not afraid of telling it. A potential spouse will have to look past that and see me as the person that I am on the inside, not be repulsed by my past. She'll have to tell me that she forgives me for my past, just as God did.

I think you could benefit from a similar mindset. If you ever got a boyfriend he'd eventually notice that you never exposed your legs. You'd have to tell him about your past at some point, and you'd have to explain very clearly that you're not like that anymore, and plead with him to look at you more clearly.

It might be difficult for some guys. But hey, if you find one that will understand even if he has no similar experience to relate to...then chances are he could be the one.

Not necessarily, of course, but it certainly narrows it down. You're not supposed to have any secrets between your significant other. For me, that's always been a bit scary because I don't like the idea of telling some girl about my <Staff Edit> past. But I have to do it, to be honest and to show her that it doesn't define me anymore.

 

[graciesings]

I have cutting scars on my arms and legs...

I haven't worn shorts to town for over two years. Even at home I keep it covered up, I don't want my family to see. I'm also overweight and I have acne and skin rashes all over.

But fortunately, the few guys who have seen all of my body haven't been bothered by it. None of them have perfect bodies either.

I pray that someday you will find someone who will think that your eyes and face and hair are beautiful, and will like you since he first sees them. Someone who won't care about the scars and imperfections on your body, because he loves you.

 

[estadalamoo]

I've seen the self-injury forum on this site for awhile. There's something I'm hiding. That I've been hiding for years. The only ones that, well, sorta know are my parents. It doesn't have anything to do w/ cutting and it didn't start out as self-injury but,, it also was kinda bc i agreed to do it.

I really do not want to share this as I feel in my mind people will think how could I be so naive. How could I have ever let this happen and start this series of events? I was dumb and naive and just wanted to fit in and be accepted.

I have always had self-esteem issues from little up.

Back when I was btwn 8-10 yrs old, I made some bad choices which are affecting me still to this day. I'm facing the consequences every single day and i hate myself for it more and more and more.

I was and still am a tomboy. Growing up, I was willing to do whatever it took to be "one of the guys." Whehter it was dressing like them, acting like them, being like that, I was up for anything.

This one time, I met these 2 guys. I am not sure their ages and I don't even think they were related to each other. I started hanging out w/ them in my neighborhood. This one boy, the older one, he was really really scarred up pretty badly. I really didn't think anything of it, he was pretty nice.

Well, I had made the mistake of telling them, I was willing to try anything to be more like the guys. So, the one kid, said, if you want to hang with us, you have to do this. Which was <Staff Edit> kinda almost like burning your legs <Staff Edit>. So, me being young and dumb, did it and, kept it up on and off for weeks <Staff Edit> both my right and left legs are all scarred now bc of my idiotic choice back then. After that was over and done w/, after the skin healed and the scars showed up, once in awhile, when i got depressed and really down, i felt something inwardly, that told me, that i needed to cut but not actually cut, but, needed to feel the pain of a cut and sometimes would purposefully do that just to feel a release. I struggled w/ that on and off throughout my teenager years. No one knew. Not even my parents and they still don't know to that extent eitehr. No one does.

I haven't been able to wear shorts since 2001 bc when growing up, the kid got into my head that in order to be accepted and liked, this is what i had to do. But even w/ that bad issue on top of me, I have another issue w/ my skin bc even when i get a mosquito bite or like the tops of my hands got burned a couple of months ago, my skin doesn't heal properly, it scars up, so, now i have scars on my legs, some on my arms, one on my right shoulder and I can't do anything.

I can't date anyone bc i can't let them see these scars. I feel like I'm going to be single forever bc of the lies that were fed to me and i was stupid enough to believe them.

I've been working on the scars on my legs for the past few years but, idk if anything is helping. I just want to be normal again. i want to wear shorts, I want to be able to go swimming (haven't gone swimming since about 2000).

If my friends want to go swimming or something, I have to come up w/ an excuse as to why I can't. I hate hiding. I hate living a lie. I just want to be normal and I kick myself every single day for what i did back then or, i should say, for what I allowed happen. I wish i could go back in time and start at 8 yrs old again and make different choices then I wouldn't have to live w/ these scars and hide and be depressed about everything.

I haven't actually chosen to not have a bf, but, it just happens that it's "worked" out that way. Makes me so unhappy. No one will love me when they find out what I let happen when I was younger, I feel like I'll never get married.

I've tried everything from Aloe Vera oil (pure all natural stuff), to silicone sheets, to chemical peels to exfoliating stuff, idk if anything is working.

I was also thinking of going to a healing room type of thing but, even w/ that, i question it. How can something like that be healed of completely?

I've been praying a lot about this lately, that God would just like wipe my skin clean or have something I'm using really work but, it's depressing. The older I get, the more I feel like I'll never end up w/ anyone. I'll never be able to get this fixed bc I feel like it'll never go away.

I just want to be accepted, loved and to have fun and be able to show my body off (in good ways), and be myself and not have to hide/lie anymore.

Sorry, this was extremely difficult to admit and talk about.

You sound like a lovely person on the inside, someone who is deeply sensitive of their own actions. The world needs more girls like you.