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So this is why I'm here...

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by BrendaaH, Dec 4, 2018 at 2:12 PM.

  1. BrendaaH

    BrendaaH New Member

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    I stumbled across this site in my pursuit of direction. I'm in a tough place. I am married to the love of my life. We've been together 12 years, married 6. We are a blended family; he has two sons, i have two daughters, and we share a son. I am a Christian, he was raised Muslim, but does not practice Islam, and we raise our children as Christians. This is just to paint a clearer picture of our dynamic.

    I am contemplating a separation and even divorce. As much as I love him and dont want that, I also feel like I have no choice. My husband has, on multiple occasions, had emotional affairs. It's never been something where he falls in love with other women, but he flirts with them, and will even say he isn't married. He has struggled a lot with being financially stable. He's been through 5 jobs in 5 years, studied refrigeration (which didn't pan out for him), became a realtor, all while i financially supported us. It was in his lowest points, when he seeks out this validation from women. I always catch him, and he ends it. But just when i think we're OK and on the right track, he blind sides me again.

    In this year alone, we have suffered so much loss. He lost his sister, lost his job, lost our home, lost our vehicle, is losing his father, and is trying to get real estate business off the ground and we moved in with friend and had to relocate far from where i work. Again, I am the sole provider. Which is not a complaint. I would take on whatever I needed to for us to keep moving forward. I have loved him through all we have gone through, I have been forgiving, I have extended grace, I have modeled Christ in our marriage in all aspects. I'm not perfect but I have tried to be a support for my husband as much as possible. In March, I found out about a girl he was talking to. It crushed me this was like the 5th - 10th time (I cant keep count!). I drew a line in the sand, and said ENOUGH! I told him, that I would stick with him no matter what came our way, but would not forgive another indiscretion! I explained to him, that him flirting with woman via text or online was CHEATING in my book and would not accept that from him any more! I have always said this! And yet here we are again, in December and I found another girl on his social media. She said they were just friends. Nothing inappropriate happening between them, but he was deleting their conversations! I am LIVID!!

    I am a strong woman. I have overcome A LOT in my life. I became a single mom at 15, then again at 25, I finished, HS then got my degree and did it all by myself! I do not have self-esteem issues and I DO know my worth. But I want to be obedient to what God wants and not make decisions based on my anger and how used I feel. I feel I should walk away, maybe separate, maybe divorce but I feel so conflicted because my Pastor's tell me God is for marriages staying together. So do I stay?? Is that what God wants?? I feel like to stay is to accept this behavior which is why he keeps doing it. He knows I am a christian, he knows i believe in forgiveness and he plays on that. He swears he wont do it again. He tells me he knows he's wrong, and then BAM! He does it again. And i feel like he really thinks, as long as its not physical, he's not really cheating. I'm lost. I have stayed. I have been obedient. I have extended grace. But as the daughter of the Most High, is this what I am to accept from a man I have been loyal to for yearsss? There are other big issues we have on our plate to deal with and we can never even focus on them, because I am always recovering from another one of his affairs. He is a terrible step-parent to my girls, he ignores them, doesn't talk to them, isn't mean but isnt' kind either which to me is the same thing. All of these things make me feel like, "whyyyyyy am I still here???" What am I teaching my children??

    I don't understand what the Godly thing to do is? I am so lost! Anyone?
     
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  2. Basil the Great

    Basil the Great Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Welcome to the forums, BrendaaH. Your problem is a troublesome one, that is for sure. I am not sure what to tell you. While I might be a bit of a stretch to say that his emotional affairs = cheating, it certainly borders on such and I do share your concern. Only you can decide when it is time for a separation or a divorce. Marriage counseling might help, though I have never been a huge believer in the process. It probably does help some couples, but getting him to go might be a problem and then you must ask yourself, can you afford counseling at this time? The only thing that I will say is that a line in the sand really should be drawn when it comes to an actual physical affair. Short of that, I leave it up to you and the marital experts.
     
  3. Loyce KG

    Loyce KG "Put on Christ and make no room for the flesh"

    82
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    Hey Brendan, welcome to the site. Am certain God led you here on purpose and I hope you find other believers to encourage you and uphold you.
    One thing for sure is that marriage is meant to conform us to the image of Christ everyday. Scripture says we don't wrestle flesh and blood but against principalities etc. (Ephesians 6:11-16). Our weapons are also not carnal but mighty for pulling down strongholds. Reading your post reminded me of how Christ forgives us everytime we stumble and fall. He continues to love us ans hold us. That's what you extend to your husband. He is not a believer and therefore, the devil will use him easily to get to you. Be aware of that and pray for your husband. Also God to change the things you don't like about him and to equip you as better wife to him. Be still and know that God is in control. I haven't seen any marriage that is a bed of roses without thorns. Don't give up on him. Be longsuffering, patient and forgiving. It's not easy but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I know you will overcome.

    “And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.”
    ‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭7:13-14‬ ‭

    “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?”
    ‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭7:16‬ ‭
    Fight on your knees and don't give up. Praying for you.
     
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  4. sunshine100

    sunshine100 Well-Known Member

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    Hello and welcome
     
  5. Radagast

    Radagast is a Trinitarian Christian

    +4,856
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    There is no obligation to remain with an unfaithful non-Christian spouse, so if you want to do that, go right ahead.

    1 Corinthians 7:15: But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

    And God be with you. :prayer:
     
  6. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    Beware of half-truths. They can be very destructive.
     
  7. BrendaaH

    BrendaaH New Member

    4
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    Pentecostal
    Separated
    Would you be able to elaborate?
     
  8. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    All else being equal, God is for marriages staying together. But in cases where the covenant is being broken, you have to consider the alternatives. You are not doing your husband any favors by not holding him accountable for his repeated behavior. A higher level of response may be necessary to get his attention.
     
  9. BrendaaH

    BrendaaH New Member

    4
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    Pentecostal
    Separated
    This was helpful. Thank you.
     
  10. BrendaaH

    BrendaaH New Member

    4
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    United States
    Pentecostal
    Separated
    This blessed me tremendously. Thank you.
     
  11. HR_19

    HR_19 New Member

    3
    +9
    United States
    Baptist
    Separated
    BrendaaH, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're not here under happier circumstances. On November 1st this year, just a little over 5 weeks ago, my wife told me she wants to leave. By now, she has filed and served me divorce papers. I have until 12/22 to decide if I want to file an actual response.

    Based on the research I've done, your heart is what is really important in whether you decide to leave him or not. Are you just leaving to escape pain? That is a reason from the evil one. God is a healer, and He is the only one who can heal your pain. Do you pray for your husband earnestly everyday? Do you have faith that God can change him? If so, I would urge you to stay, or threaten to leave. You may consider going and picking up a set of divorce papers so he knows you're serious. Even fill them out if you must. But the only position of heart that the Bible seems to allow to make a divorce acceptable is that your spouse is damaging your walk with God, and you are leaving them to get closer to God, to come under His authority. If you have faith that God can work, then consider strongly before taking drastic actions. Be honest with yourself. If your faith simply isn't that strong, then you may need to leave. Consider Matthew 5:30, "And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." Also the story of Hosea, who married a prostitute, who then left him and eventually was sold as a slave, but he bought her and forgave her. Jesus never stops forgiving us.

    Only you can decide what is right. Don't think about "what you feel is best," because of feelings are wrong. Pray, and so God for direction. Usually, whatever direction He wants you to go, is the one that is more difficult and less traveled. If one decision seems easy, and to give you peace, and the other choice is uneasy or difficult, assume that the difficult choice is usually the right one.
     
  12. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Administrator Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    Mod hat on
    [​IMG]
    This thread has been moved from
    Introduce Yourself
    to
    Christian Advice.
    For a better fit and responses.
    Carry on.
     
  13. PiecebyPeace

    PiecebyPeace New Member

    4
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    Christian
    Married
    Hi BrendaaH...I want to say how very sorry I am for what you are going through. I understand so well the burden you carry as I have carried it myself. As Christian's, we do not take the decision to divorce lightly so it can cause extreme distress and my heart goes out to you because I understand your pain so well. I can feel the love and compassion you have for your husband and I urge you to continue praying for his heart..."Lord, give __________ a new heart, put a new spirit in him. Take out his stony, stubborn heart and give him a tender responsive heart...Amen" Ezekiel 36:26 Pray this over and over.

    I want to clear up a few things for you as a woman who has been in your shoes (over and over again). Emotional affairs are in fact affairs and will eventually become physical...maybe not with the first 5-10 affairs, but eventually one of them will get physical as the temptation will be too much to resist. My ex-husband started out with emotional affairs and eventually that turned physical. I knew about the emotional affairs, confronted him, etc., but I convinced myself he would never cross the line...until he did...over and over again. He refused to get help for himself and after 15 years of this and a battered heart and spirit, I had to let go. I hope and pray your husband has a responsive heart.

    I think it would be wise to speak with a counselor about placing boundaries on your husband and what will happen should he cross those boundaries. You can't keep making empty threats or he will just keep doing this to you and your family...trust me...I know. Then you're just an enabler like I was. You have to have a plan in place and know that sometimes the right thing is often the most difficult and painful. I pray for God's guidance, direction, peace and love as you move forward and try to figure things out. Please know that you are not alone in this world and many have gone before and many will follow. But one day there will be no more pain.
     
  14. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

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    "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you."​

    I'm looking, but I don't see where "unless you talk to someone else" is in there.

    The Bible is very clear, the number one, top qualification for divorce, is sexual infidelity. Doesn't say emotional anything. It says when a spouse is sleeping with another person. If he is not sleeping with another person, then divorce is not really an option for you. Pagans it is, but you claim to be a Christian, so the standard in the Bible is the standard you should follow.

    So the "Godly thing to do" is pretty clear. You should not divorce your husband.

    Also: "but would not forgive another indiscretion!"

    Matthew 18:21-35
    'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt, because you begged me. Shouldn't you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?' His lord was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors, until he should pay all that was due to him. So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don't each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds
    Pretty clear. Forgiving people is not an option for Christians. If you do not forgive your husband, the Bible says that G-d himself will not forgive you. That's a bad plan.

    He is a terrible step-parent to my girls, he ignores them, doesn't talk to them, isn't mean but isnt' kind either which to me is the same thing. All of these things make me feel like, "whyyyyyy am I still here???" What am I teaching my children??

    Blended families are typically pretty bad. This is not abnormal. This is why the Bible tells people that if they divorce, they should remain single, or work to reconcile the marriage. Blended families have a terrible track record, and should be avoided.

    I am a bit confused how you ended up with a guy who is not a Christian, since the Bible says very clearly a Christian should never be with a non-christian.

    However, since you are in this situation now, then the reason you are still here, is because you are supposed to model for your kids that you don't bail out when you made a vow to G-d to be faithful to another person.

    Regardless, this problem with how your husband interacts with your daughters, is not a reason for divorce. He is not harming them.

    Last bit of advice: The core of the problem.

    It is true that forgiveness is a requirement for a Christian. However, that does not mean you allow bad behavior without consequences.

    I had a co-worker at work that treated me horribly. We were friends, and they betrayed me multiple times. I no longer associate with my friend that I care for. I have forgiven them, and I wish them the best, and I hope they succeed in life, but there are consequences to action. I don't let them harm me anymore.

    I fear to ask what consequences you imposed on the first couple of bad choices your husband made. What penalty did you impose on him? Did you just talk at him?

    "I drew a line in the sand, and said ENOUGH! I told him, that I would stick with him no matter what came our way, but would not forgive another indiscretion! I explained to him, that him flirting with woman via text or online was CHEATING in my book and would not accept that from him any more! I have always said this!"

    In that section I see a lot of "I told" and "I explained", and "said enough" and "I have always said this".

    Saying stuff, is equal to doing nothing. What did you do? What consequences did you impose?

    When I was growing up, i had a neighborhood friend, whose mother would yack at him constantly, but never did anything. As a result he would constantly do whatever he wanted, and just wait until lecture time was over when he was caught.

    I was smacked across the face by my mother. (really good woman) Consequently I tended to not do things to tick her off.

    Just yacking at your husband, so that he learns when he does bad things, he just has to wait until lecture time is over..... is doing nothing. From what you have written here, you have done nothing.

    What can you do? Go live with your parents for a couple of months. Disappear on him. Ghost him. Just send him a note "I told you I would leave if you kept talking to other women." And then don't come back for a week... or two weeks. Or a month later.

    And then when he does it again.... disappear again.

    At some point, even a dog learns to stop peeing on the carpet.

    But don't yack at him. "blaw blaw blaw I feel blaw blaw blaw blaw".... that does nothing. To a man, that is like the peanuts teacher talking "wah wah wah waaah wah wah wah". That is what a man hears.

    You need to have consequences. And honestly, I would say NOTHING to him. He does thus and so, and you just pack up the next day, and drive off when he goes out.

    You do this 3 or 4 times, and see if the dog doesn't stop peeing on the carpet.
     
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