I came to Christ when I was 13, but every time I entered a church, or at certain other times, while I tried to pray, I had horrible images in my head, and would hear obscenities, accusations against God and myself, etc ...I never understood why, and for many years, I just tried to push it away, or quote scripture, plead the blood, cast down imaginations, etc ....all the things they tell you to do according to scripture, and are meant for spiritual warfare, etc ... but it never worked. Nothing worked until I was in my 30's and realized that those things I was seeing and hearing were flashbacks and were there due to things I suffered, and that God wanted to heal those broken places in me. I'm in my 40's now, and still in this healing process.
I was also abused in ways that took scripture and twisted them in order to justify and even reinforce how ev*l I was.... I heard them all.... when I was a child, before I came to Christ, I thought God was the one who hurt me. I would see images of t*rtures and thought He was the one doing those things to me, because I was ev*l and He hated me. None of those things were true. But I had to learn the truth in order to be free from the lies. That takes time.
Despite the torment I had going on inside me, I began hearing the voice of Jesus when I was age 10, calling me to follow Him, and revealing Himself to me... for 3 solid years, until I finally gave my heart to Him. But my journey to freedom and healing has been lifelong. Thankfully, He is patient.
I'm sorry for what you've endured. Please go easy on yourself.
How would you be with possibly finding a Christian counselor? I have had Theophostic Prayer Ministry off and on for the last 8 years, and it has been such a huge help to me. Most Theophostic ministers do not charge a fee, but may receive donations or offerings. Mine didn't require anything, and many don't. They have a directory on their website to help you find someone in your area.
I hope this helps!
Blessings!
