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Smartphone ruining marriage

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by cross_product, Oct 8, 2017.

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  1. cross_product

    cross_product New Member

    5
    +3
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Hello everyone,
    My wife spends 8-10 hours a day on her smartphone, surfing Facebook and texting her girlfriends. I have told her she has an addiction and needs to seek help. She agrees it is unhealthy but won't make any changes. Attempts to confront her further result in angry counter-accusations and silent treatment.
    This has been going on for about three years, and her life is falling apart. She has almost completely stopped cooking and cleaning, spends almost no time with our young kids, gets no exercise and her health is suffering. She has gained 40 pounds in the last year. Her emotional state is spiraling downward. She's depressed and unhappy which drives her onto the smartphone more to escape. She has starting drinking excessively while she surfs her smartphone. She often puts down a whole bottle of wine in an evening. She has lost interest in almost everything outside of her digital world. She has no interest in sex. She doesn't want to go to church anymore. It's sad to watch her spend hours on end staring at her smartphone right in the living room and refusing to interact with the family. Often the kids need to ask her for something right to her face 5-6 times before she snaps out of her smartphone "trance".
    Anyone else dealing with this? What should I do? I love her but she is ruining her life as well as our marriage.
     
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  2. GUANO

    GUANO Well-Known Member

    740
    +318
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Welcome to the club... well, minus the drinking and skipping church. I do the church skipping lol.
     
  3. Jane_Doe

    Jane_Doe Well-Known Member

    +987
    Mormon
    You are married to an addict. If she's truly unwilling to do anything about her addiction (cause she does need lots of help), then your course is the same as any other person's who is married to an addict. My sympathies, friend.
     
  4. GUANO

    GUANO Well-Known Member

    740
    +318
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Lol what course would that be?
     
  5. cross_product

    cross_product New Member

    5
    +3
    Non-Denom
    Married
    OP here. Guano, I know we're not the only ones, but I sincerely hope this is not a widespread problem in the church today. If it is, the church is going to collapse in a couple more generations.
    When people aren't even taking care of their children's basic needs because they're wasting time on electronics for over half of their waking life, who is going to minister to the local church? Who is going into the mission field?
    BTW my wife has a degree from a Christian university and has been going to solid Bible-teaching churches for 25 years. And after all of that instruction, she has fallen into this snare.
    This is serious, Church! Don't let your kids fall into this. For some adults I think it's too late. Hopefully not for my wife.
     
  6. RedPonyDriver

    RedPonyDriver Professional Pot Stirrer

    +2,310
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Democrat
    shut the phones off. It is possible to live w/o cell phones. If you have wi-fi, change the password on it. I mean...just shut it all off, get a land line again (yes, you can still get a land line with certain cable services). When she has a fit just tell her that she's addicted to the phone and you're done with it.

    We haven't had cell phones in probably a couple of years. We have 2 landlines. One for the house and one for my office (for when I'm working on freelance projects or have to fax things).

    And, after being sideswiped by some irresponsible woman who was on her phone when she ran into me and claimed she neither saw nor heard me (driving a race red Mustang with a non-stock and LOUD exhaust), I am UTTERLY opposed to cell phones...just get rid of them. Both of you.
     
  7. Jane_Doe

    Jane_Doe Well-Known Member

    +987
    Mormon
    That only works if the wife wants to face her addiction.
     
  8. RedPonyDriver

    RedPonyDriver Professional Pot Stirrer

    +2,310
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Democrat
    nope...it works...no phone, no addiction. Time for someone to put their foot down and make it quite clear that the behavior is unacceptable and WILL end.
     
  9. Jane_Doe

    Jane_Doe Well-Known Member

    +987
    Mormon
    Physically yanking the object of addiction out of an addict's hand never cured anyone. Did create plenty of resentment and anger though.

    An addict has to want to be better first and be willing to do the work.
     
  10. RedPonyDriver

    RedPonyDriver Professional Pot Stirrer

    +2,310
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Democrat
    In my experience, there are times when the addict must be confronted. In this case, since being nice hasn't seemed to work, it's time to just make it quite clear that the addiction is unsatisfactory and either the object of the addiction must be given up voluntarily OR involuntarily. Seeing as how I am facing surgery and a lifetime of disability all because someone HAD to use a cell phone when they shouldn't have, I am all in favor of taking it and getting rid of it. It's much better than using it while driving and getting sued for everything you own for gross negligence. Seems to me the choice is clear.
     
  11. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +1,863
    Christian
    Married
    Good decision.

    The radiation they pump out is also a problem.The effect on eyes if you stare at the screen is a problem. Social media is known to depress people. And even some of those who invented aspects of the social media platforms are saying it is killing attention spans and lowering decision making ability by constantly distracting through alerts, etc.
     
  12. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +1,863
    Christian
    Married
    Part of wanting to be better may be confrontation with the reality of what they are doing to other people. Which is why interventions are sometimes done. It may or may not work, but I would rather try than wait for things to go downhill even further in the hopes she "hits bottom" before she kills herself with alcohol, etc.
     
  13. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +1,863
    Christian
    Married
  14. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,632
    Christian
    Married
    My wife is always on her smartphone or watching TV. She does work so I don't mind. But when we first were married she would use it even while we watched tv or movies...etc. Shes gotten much better about it now, well in terms of when we are together she tries to stay off of it. To be though shes from overseas so its her only way to stay in touch with family and friends there.

    I also find smartphones can mess with peoples minds. As in if someone loves facebook, they can read so many things other friends post about that it can make them jealous or question their own marriage.
     
  15. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

    +1,040
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    If you shut the WiFi off and take away the phone, I can promise that will go very, very badly. Addiction or not, people don’t generally enjoy their spouses treating them like children. She will view it as a breach of trust, and she’d be right.
     
  16. Glowing

    Glowing Christian Life Coach

    15
    +19
    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    Have you thought of spending time with her, and ask the time to be cell-phone free? Maybe she is lonely. Maybe she has a lot of stress 'on her plate' and this is the way she deals with the stress. Yelling and fussing are not going to help or change anything. Neither will force changing the wifi-password. That will make her feel like she's two...and then will you have a nightmare on your hands.

    So I encourage you to go back to the beginning. Spending time with her, date nights, fun outings, learn to talk together again. Pray together (even if it's just you who is praying, make it a nightly thing before you go to bed) Let her know on a daily basis that she is still special to you.

    If she's spending as many hours on her phone as you say, then something has happened somewhere that she is not spending it with you. A phone is a great distraction from life, but what is she avoiding. Where has she been hurt? What has been said that has driven you two apart? Start by searching your own heart, call out to God to show you what you need to change in the relationship, and then do that.
     
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