Single at 32 and feeling dread

[DarkSoul999]

So perhaps I'm not exactly "old" and it isn't overly unusual for people to still be single at this age. Some people are just holding out for "the one" and refusing to settle.

Thing is....I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 2 months. I had severe psychiatric issues from the age of 7-25 and only started dating at 29 after I managed to land a full time job and a place as a "normal" member of society. For most of my life I was treated like a leper because of the extreme stigma surrounding mental illness. I don't really blame them for this because my personality was utterly exhausting during those years. I was really hard to tolerate.

It is fairly unlikely that I will relapse into depression over this because I'm a health fanatic. My neurotransmitters are working just fine. However, I still have this overwhelming sense of dread that I will be rejected by woman as soon as they find out about my past. So lately I have been acting fake and put on airs around women in the hope that they will never sense the pain and scars that I harbor inside. This doesn't work because they can see right through it.

It is not easy to spend an entire lifetime knowing NOTHING but pure agony and inner Hell and then trying to somehow relate to people who have not experienced this. I just wish for once that woman would stop asking me questions about my past on the first date!!! If I come clean and tell them they look at me like I'm the most disgusting piece of garbage they have ever seen. I've seen woman recoil at me like I'm literally made out of dog ****. Even devout Christian women seem to think that I'm God's mistake. Even my own parents tell me to keep it all a permanent secret! So if I somehow find someone willing to be my wife then I can't trust her with my past...well that's reassuring...

Thing is, I CAN'T change the past. I can take action to prevent the past from repeating again but they really don't care. They are like an insurance company which sees me as a liability. A giant red flag! Every good thing I've done in life is now tainted and worthless!

There is also another element to this. They get to choose from millions of successful thirty somethings who have gone from victory to victory and have zero baggage. I'm not entirely sure why they should choose a guy like me who is just barely starting to get things together.

If I had survived cancer I'd be treated like a hero! Sometimes I ask God "why didn't you give me cancer instead?!" At least there wouldn't be this overwhelming stigma.

It's getting to the point where I might need to only date women who barely speak English....but then once they learn English they will ask the question and I'll be forced to either lie (and drive them away) or tell the truth (and drive them away).

What do I do now? It will take a divine miracle to somehow "catch up" to normal men who have more to offer. Only incredible success will prove that I'm not a dud...

 

[Sketcher]

There is also another element to this. They get to choose from millions of successful thirty somethings who have gone from victory to victory and have zero baggage.

I think you're overstating this by a lot.

 

[DarkSoul999]

I think you're overstating this by a lot.

There are definitely a few million on the planet and many of them are available.

 

[Sketcher]

There are definitely a few million on the planet and many of them are available.

With zero baggage? Really?

"On the planet" is essentially meaningless unless you're assuming that all of the young, single women in your area are willing to travel around the world to get one of those few million. Assuming they can pick out the right one for them, safely get there, and get his attention. No, you're just competing with the men in your area.

 

[Alicia Schout]

So perhaps I'm not exactly "old" and it isn't overly unusual for people to still be single at this age. Some people are just holding out for "the one" and refusing to settle.

Thing is....I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 2 months. I had severe psychiatric issues from the age of 7-25 and only started dating at 29 after I managed to land a full time job and a place as a "normal" member of society. For most of my life I was treated like a leper because of the extreme stigma surrounding mental illness. I don't really blame them for this because my personality was utterly exhausting during those years. I was really hard to tolerate.

It is fairly unlikely that I will relapse into depression over this because I'm a health fanatic. My neurotransmitters are working just fine. However, I still have this overwhelming sense of dread that I will be rejected by woman as soon as they find out about my past. So lately I have been acting fake and put on airs around women in the hope that they will never sense the pain and scars that I harbor inside. This doesn't work because they can see right through it.

It is not easy to spend an entire lifetime knowing NOTHING but pure agony and inner Hell and then trying to somehow relate to people who have not experienced this. I just wish for once that woman would stop asking me questions about my past on the first date!!! If I come clean and tell them they look at me like I'm the most disgusting piece of garbage they have ever seen. I've seen woman recoil at me like I'm literally made out of dog ****. Even devout Christian women seem to think that I'm God's mistake. Even my own parents tell me to keep it all a permanent secret! So if I somehow find someone willing to be my wife then I can't trust her with my past...well that's reassuring...

Thing is, I CAN'T change the past. I can take action to prevent the past from repeating again but they really don't care. They are like an insurance company which sees me as a liability. A giant red flag! Every good thing I've done in life is now tainted and worthless!

There is also another element to this. They get to choose from millions of successful thirty somethings who have gone from victory to victory and have zero baggage. I'm not entirely sure why they should choose a guy like me who is just barely starting to get things together.

If I had survived cancer I'd be treated like a hero! Sometimes I ask God "why didn't you give me cancer instead?!" At least there wouldn't be this overwhelming stigma.

It's getting to the point where I might need to only date women who barely speak English....but then once they learn English they will ask the question and I'll be forced to either lie (and drive them away) or tell the truth (and drive them away).

What do I do now? It will take a divine miracle to somehow "catch up" to normal men who have more to offer. Only incredible success will prove that I'm not a dud...

What the Lord has for you, you will get. Don't worry but pray and wait on the answer. If a woman fall in love with a man, because of his character and faith she doesn't
bother wether he has a nerves problem or not. So trust God and let him give you a sign to know which woman He has for you. There surely some good woman that will love and suit you out there!!! Don't give up searching and prayinb. God will reward you for diligently seeking His guidance and help to find that loving, kind and suitable woman. At the meantime enjoy those activities, sport and fellowship that help you to be strong. Singing and/or dancing is a way of praising the Lord, while He is working on your behalf.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

i'm curious as to what you did in your past that makes women not want to have anything to do with you even though you've shown these things are now behind you?

 

[DarkSoul999]

i'm curious as to what you did in your past that makes women not want to have anything to do with you even though you've shown these things are now behind you?

Nothing all that shocking. I never broke the law or harassed people. No drugs. I was a very boring psychotic.

Women just assume that I was a criminal

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Nothing all that shocking. I never broke the law or harassed people. No drugs. I was a very boring psychotic.

Women just assume that I was a criminal

so when they ask questions about your past what are you telling them?

 

[DarkSoul999]

so when they ask questions about your past what are you telling them?

I have a history of schizophrenia which is now very well controlled and only requires low dose medication. It started when I was 7 years old and stopped when I was 25. I never did much of anything between those years and I have very few memories.

Most just change the topic after that and wait it out until they can say their goodbye and split.....

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I have a history of schizophrenia which is now very well controlled and only requires low dose medication. It started when I was 7 years old and stopped when I was 25. I never did much of anything between those years and I have very few memories.

Most just change the topic after that and wait it out until they can say their goodbye and split.....

I see,

I guess the only thing I could tell you is don't lie to people when they ask but you don't have to give them all the details. you can say to them that you had some issues in the past that you have been able to overcome. women will think highly of a man who is able to overcome adversity in his life. if they ask for details just say it was some neurological issues that are pretty much under control now.

 

[DarkSoul999]

I see,

I guess the only thing I could tell you is don't lie to people when they ask but you don't have to give them all the details. you can say to them that you had some issues in the past that you have been able to overcome. women will think highly of a man who is able to overcome adversity in his life. if they ask for details just say it was some neurological issues that are pretty much under control now.

I'm sure that there are wonderful people out there who judge based on character....I just don't get to meet them.

 

[Jane_Doe]

That's probably not the best thing to bring up on the 1st date.
That being said, it's not something you should hide. Frankly, if a girl is gong to run away from you because of it, then she's not worth your time.

 

[DarkSoul999]

That's probably not the best thing to bring up on the 1st date.
That being said, it's not something you should hide. Frankly, if a girl is gong to run away from you because of it, then she's not worth your time.

I would never bring it up! I avoid this topic like the plague!

 

[Jane_Doe]

I would never bring it up! I avoid this topic like the plague!

Like I said, if a girl isn't willing to date the real you-- that means knowing the past and how it's different than the present-- then she's not worth your time.

 

[rickster]

They get to choose from millions of successful thirty somethings who have gone from victory to victory and have zero baggage.

I think your problem is that you have low self esteem and you let your past have too much control over you.

The sentence I quoted speaks volumes about how you see yourself. No one has zero baggage, as you get older you obtain more baggage. And not having a ton of exes could be seen as a lack of baggage.

I don't know how you personally can get more self esteem. What worked for me was climbing up the work force ladder. Starting off an a low position and working my way up a job that I am proud to have and talk about. If you can't figure out what gives you confidence and happiness then maybe you should see a psychiatrist.

I also didn't like my past very much. I think my 20s were so awful that I developed a mild form of PTSD and don't remember much of them. I used to dwell on my "awful" past a lot. I had a heart to heart talk with one of my friends, and I realized that it was a waste of time holding on to the demons of my past. That's a decade behind me and I am a different person now. I don't let my past define me.

Once you get more confidence and move on from your past, you will be able to much better handle some of these personal questions and not come off as an insecure loser.

 

[Evergold]

First and foremost, I’m sorry you feel this way. I guess my best advice for you is to spend more time acknowledging and celebrating the strides you have made to improve your life. No matter how far in the past our darkest hours in life may be we often continue to walk around with the shame of it stuck to us. Even if we try to “fake” our way through it, it’s always there. It’s just like you said...people see through it. When you’re proud of your progress and are truly happy with the person you have become, I think you’ll attract people who can do the same.

That being said, I think it is best to own our past “shortcomings”, but not dwell on them. The past is the past. All we can ever do is show a consistent pattern of improvement and ensure that we are more concerned with being a better version of ourselves than worrying about what others will think of us. I personally wouldn’t get too deep with specifics when you’re first dating someone because it can often be offputting and reek of insecurity. Never lie, but allow yourself the space to simply enjoy another person without worrying about what will happen if and when they learn of your past. I believe a truly mature person who is meant for you will be more understanding of what you’ve been through. And if not...I would keep looking because you never want someone who can’t appreciate you in your entirety.

 

[Observer]

Hi,

I had severe anxiety/OCD/BDD/depression/agoraphobia where I didn't leave the house (not even to the driveway, I wouldn't even open curtains) from 12 to 16 and rarely left the house until 19.

Now I have a degree and I work but I'll never be "normal". I am stunted.

I went the opposite way to you in response to my mental illness and recluse like behaviour... I met a guy online and I got married at 20. Then I wasted all my 20s on that. He was extremely abusive and that messed me up in all kinds of new ways. I divorced him after 8 years marriage.

So a relationship or marriage is not a sign that you've defeated anything or that you're in a better place.

Now I'm in a great relationship with a man who has similar issues to me. But he is older, more experienced, more mature and better adjusted now... but he still has regular anxiety. He never told a woman about his issues, not even when he lived with a girlfriend. I think men sometimes feel the worst shame with this kind of thing. He was so repressed, he was so closed up and full of shame about his past and who he was. I was the first person he opened up to, my honesty and my experience with mental health issues helped him to do that. I think it lifted some weight off his shoulders. He never thought he was capable of being in a genuine relationship which is why h was single for his late 20s and whole 30s. He thought he had major issues with intimacy. But, being with someone who actually communicated and understood him and didn't flinch at all when he told his darkest secrets... he doesn't have the issues in a relationship like he thought he did/would. He's the perfect partner to me, I couldn't ask for anything more in any aspect of a relationship.

But yeah, majority of people you come across won't quite get it. Because not everyone has mental illness or constant torment. They may label you as negative or weird. That's just the way it is.

I personally can't imagine being with someone who hadn't experienced chronic anxiety and depression. That sounds odd but it's a huge part of my life and I need to be understood. I couldn't keep up with someone whose mind was free... I can't have the same energy levels or mindset and I'd bring them down.

But I have to make sure my partner and I don't feed off each others negativity or become each others soundboards for complaining. Luckily we can also have lots of fun and we bring smiles to each others faces constantly.. but still have that background of understanding each others dark sides. It's hard to explain. Love is complex and it's a huge fluke/miracle to find someone you truly fit with... but if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone.

 

[Leah F]

Hey do not give up hun. I only just got married last year and I am now 33 and he is 34. We met in January and were married in December. As for the mental health issue, the right woman for you will understand. My wonderful husband has Tourette Syndrome and most people do not understand it. It is not the verbal kind which most people think of but his body twitches and he makes some funny sounds. I also have a brother who has undiagnosed Asperger. I studied psychology so I knew that all abnormal stuff is treatable and is a spectrum so no two people are exactly the same. Schizophrenia is a tough one to swallow but you are not damaged and honestly even crazy people deserved to be loved. I personally struggled with a STD which was not dangerous only annoying. I actually believe God healed me of it but I was rejected by two Christian guys the year before I met my husband when I told them about it. I was devastated and I was not sure what to say when I met my husband. He was the one who brought it up using a post I made on Facebook. When I told him that it was not life threatening, he just said OK and accepted me as I was. I was everything he was looking for and this was not enough to scare him off. There is a woman out there that will hear what you have been though and will love you no matter what. God knows what you need and he will give it to you. Be confident in the Lord and she will come when you are not looking.

 

[Bluerose31]

So perhaps I'm not exactly "old" and it isn't overly unusual for people to still be single at this age. Some people are just holding out for "the one" and refusing to settle.

Thing is....I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 2 months. I had severe psychiatric issues from the age of 7-25 and only started dating at 29 after I managed to land a full time job and a place as a "normal" member of society. For most of my life I was treated like a leper because of the extreme stigma surrounding mental illness. I don't really blame them for this because my personality was utterly exhausting during those years. I was really hard to tolerate.

It is fairly unlikely that I will relapse into depression over this because I'm a health fanatic. My neurotransmitters are working just fine. However, I still have this overwhelming sense of dread that I will be rejected by woman as soon as they find out about my past. So lately I have been acting fake and put on airs around women in the hope that they will never sense the pain and scars that I harbor inside. This doesn't work because they can see right through it.

It is not easy to spend an entire lifetime knowing NOTHING but pure agony and inner Hell and then trying to somehow relate to people who have not experienced this. I just wish for once that woman would stop asking me questions about my past on the first date!!! If I come clean and tell them they look at me like I'm the most disgusting piece of garbage they have ever seen. I've seen woman recoil at me like I'm literally made out of dog ****. Even devout Christian women seem to think that I'm God's mistake. Even my own parents tell me to keep it all a permanent secret! So if I somehow find someone willing to be my wife then I can't trust her with my past...well that's reassuring...

Thing is, I CAN'T change the past. I can take action to prevent the past from repeating again but they really don't care. They are like an insurance company which sees me as a liability. A giant red flag! Every good thing I've done in life is now tainted and worthless!

There is also another element to this. They get to choose from millions of successful thirty somethings who have gone from victory to victory and have zero baggage. I'm not entirely sure why they should choose a guy like me who is just barely starting to get things together.

If I had survived cancer I'd be treated like a hero! Sometimes I ask God "why didn't you give me cancer instead?!" At least there wouldn't be this overwhelming stigma.

It's getting to the point where I might need to only date women who barely speak English....but then once they learn English they will ask the question and I'll be forced to either lie (and drive them away) or tell the truth (and drive them away).

What do I do now? It will take a divine miracle to somehow "catch up" to normal men who have more to offer. Only incredible success will prove that I'm not a dud...

I am so sorry you have suffered so much. I will pray that Jesus brings you a beautiful soul to be your wife. That she will be a Godly woman and someone you can share your past with and she will understand you and love you deeply.

 

[Sir Robbins]

With zero baggage? Really?

"On the planet" is essentially meaningless unless you're assuming that all of the young, single women in your area are willing to travel around the world to get one of those few million. Assuming they can pick out the right one for them, safely get there, and get his attention. No, you're just competing with the men in your area.

I think the more appropriate term is "baggage that's acceptable"... I have literally and I kid you not, had women tell me they would not date a virgin guy who is 30 years or older. It's awkward and makes them suspicious. These are church girls.....