Should you share your password with your loved one?

[CounselorForChrist]

So this is sort of a multi-part question about passwords when it comes to dating (or engaged...even married). Theres alot of views on this and I am curious on everyone else's views. If you are dating/engaged should you have access to each others facebook profiles, emails...etc? What if you are married? Is this about honesty or trust?

Some say if you love someone and trust them then you don't need their passwords. My problem is for what is the big deal with sharing your password with someone you are with? If you have nothing to supposedly hide why not share it? Some say its also an issue of privacy. But as christians a couple becomes one right? You share everything. So why would passwords be diffrent? I mean going to the bathroom is one thing in terms of privacy, but not sharing your password is not. Most importantly I ask what about being honest as christians? Can you say your being honest if you refuse to give your password to the person you are with? Also would it fall under selfishness to not give it? Of course one could reverse and say its selfish to ask for it. Despite the fact a couple is to share everything and be honest.

In today's world of technology there are many routes to cheat on someone. And even among christians the rate of cheating is high thanks to technology. Which is why I feel most don't want to share their passwords. Because even if they aren't cheating, their other half might see things about them they didn't want them to know (old conversations, talking behind their back...etc). And in some cases they might find out they are into something like porn.

Giving your password lets the person look into your past. So maybe if you tend be flirty they can see that and realize the risk level with you goes up higher. Or maybe if you told them your a virgin, but you found an old email where you told someone the sex was great, you know they are lying. Or maybe you claim you are a really good person, but your chat message show you constantly swearing instead. Stuff like that is why password sharing is needed I think.

So for me I never go into the engagement stage of a relationship unless the person is willing to lay all the cards on the table, including sharing their password. Even more so if they are from over seas. It shows to me the person really wants to be honest with you. Granted once your married I don't think you may need to know the passwords really since you took the final step already which means you trust them (marriage). Unless of course you have proof that something is going on that isn't right such as finding your spouse with condoms in their pocket while they "go to work".

So what are peoples views? Whats right and whats wrong? Where does being a christian play into this in terms of honesty?

This subject is brought up because a couple I know split because of many lies she found once she figured out his password and seen he was cheating on her.

 

[Girder of Loins]

I don't think sharing passwords is necessary, but it does keep both spouses accountable to one another. My parents share an email, passwords, and everything. That is what I would do if I were married. It would keep me accountable to her, and her to me. Is your fiance not wanting to share passwords or something?

 

[TheDag]

Before I answer specific questions let me say this. It is foolish to think that everyones motives would be exactly the same so there is no clear cut answer.

So this is sort of a multi-part question about passwords when it comes to dating (or engaged...even married). Theres alot of views on this and I am curious on everyone else's views. If you are dating/engaged should you have access to each others facebook profiles, emails...etc? What if you are married? Is this about honesty or trust?

I don't think it is about honesty or trust but some may have "emotional baggage" that can make it an issue. See later in my post for details.
I think it depends on what is being asked. My dad for example has said that when he dies there is certain information on his computer that we should look at. however since nobody knows his password how are we to access the file when it is not in the public documents folder but his password protected one? information on facebook can easily be found without even going to the facebook website.

Some say if you love someone and trust them then you don't need their passwords. My problem is for what is the big deal with sharing your password with someone you are with?

What is the big deal with not sharing? That question is just as valid. In some cases you are required not to share with your partner. If I shared some details with my partner then I could lose my job. If you should share all those things then why shouldn't I tell my wife my alarm code and safe combination for work?

If you have nothing to supposedly hide why not share it?

This line is so frequently used as emotional blackmail. I don't care if people find out i have a medical condition but I don't shout it oput from the rooftop telling everyone I meet even though it could impact on them. I see no problem with that.
I had nothing to hide but my wife and I had three bank accounts between us. One joint bank acount and then we each had our own personal bank account. There was an excellent reason for that. I never gave her access to my personal bank account and I never had access to her personal account and indeed would not want to. The money in those accounts belonged to the account holder only.

Some say its also an issue of privacy. But as christians a couple becomes one right? You share everything. So why would passwords be diffrent?

What does it mean to share everything? We don't eat with the same fork but rather we each have our own fork to use at meal times. So just because we are sharing does not mean we literally share everything. or let me put it another way. For arguments sake say your partner is not a virgin when you get married. Do you really want a blow by blow description of their sex life with their previous partner or are you happy that they share they have had previous partner/s or do you not care if they have had previous partners and don't care how many? For me I don't care even though I knew she obviously did since she had a kid from a previous relationship.

Also what does it mean the two become one? Without a clear understanding of what is meant by that your question can not be answered properly. Do you plan on wearing your partners dresses and skirts and bra? if not then it is fair to acknowledge that even couples have their own stuff.

I mean going to the bathroom is one thing in terms of privacy, but not sharing your password is not.

So you acknowledge sharing everything does not rule out privacy so how do we determine what can allow privacy while sharing and what can't? I don't think the bible is meaning that.

Most importantly I ask what about being honest as christians? Can you say your being honest if you refuse to give your password to the person you are with? Also would it fall under selfishness to not give it? Of course one could reverse and say its selfish to ask for it. Despite the fact a couple is to share everything and be honest.

I wholeheartedly believe you can be honest without giving your password. i don't think it is selfish. I do not tell my partner the pin for my bank card. She has her own card with its own pin that can access the account so why does she need mine? Answer is she doesn't.

In today's world of technology there are many routes to cheat on someone. And even among christians the rate of cheating is high thanks to technology. Which is why I feel most don't want to share their passwords. Because even if they aren't cheating, their other half might see things about them they didn't want them to know (old conversations, talking behind their back...etc). And in some cases they might find out they are into something like porn.

just because you feel that is the reason does not make it so. It has never occoured to me to offer my password. mind you if they really wanted to find out they have the knowledge to hack my account anyway! In todays world of technology it is so easy to jump to conclusions as well. So do we keep it secret to avoid jumping to conclusions which can be very damaging to a relationship (and lets face it people in the church in general are great at putting pressure on relationships) or do we tell all in case there is cheating which also destroys relationships? A case of six of one and half a dozen the other.

Giving your password lets the person look into your past. So maybe if you tend be flirty they can see that and realize the risk level with you goes up higher. Or maybe if you told them your a virgin, but you found an old email where you told someone the sex was great, you know they are lying. Or maybe you claim you are a really good person, but your chat message show you constantly swearing instead. Stuff like that is why password sharing is needed I think.

Perhaps ask. Sure they may not tell you the truth but i can see how a partner wanting your password can be harmful to a relationship. If they have issues with people not trusting them in the past eg parents then your asking for the password could bring that up and cause them to think your just like my parents wanting to control me and not appreciate me for who I am. A question that is just as worthwhile asking is should christians hug one another? For me the answer is yes as I am a touch oriented person. I get great strength from hugs from friends/family. however someone who has been the victim of abuse may consider hugs to be the last thing one is doing. So it depends on the individual and what they like and their past.

So for me I never go into the engagement stage of a relationship unless the person is willing to lay all the cards on the table, including sharing their password. Even more so if they are from over seas. It shows to me the person really wants to be honest with you. Granted once your married I don't think you may need to know the passwords really since you took the final step already which means you trust them (marriage).

Once your married your partner may be able to guess your passwords anyway.

Unless of course you have proof that something is going on that isn't right such as finding your spouse with condoms in their pocket while they "go to work".

and what does finding condoms in their pocket proove? Nothing really. let me tell you a story. This guy cheated on his wife. he was remorseful and they were having counselling to try and save their marriage. The guys workmates one day decided to play a joke on him. They put some empty condom packets in his jacket pocket. his wife found them and it was the end of the marriage. So depite having the condom packets he had not actually done anything wrong. Of course why should his wife believe him after he admitted to cheating previously. So just having them is not actually proof of anything.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

If the couple is mutually comfortable with it, and it isn't based on jealousy, suspicion, or a need for control, then sure. Frankly, based on the OP, that's controlling IMHO. Wanting to know every single detail, every thought, every action, all based on "what if's" that haven't even happened and may never happen. You're clinging and being intrusive based on insecurity and fear. That's not trust, and it's not healthy.

I personally would never allow my significant other unlimited access to all my stuff. And I wouldn't want or expect access to theirs.

I would never want to be in a relationship where I didn't trust my guy enough to let him have his own private business, and vice versa.

 

[Barricade24]

I think that really depends on what the password is to. If it is for a personal forum I really don't see the point in sharing it. But I don't know it likely varies among individuals.

 

[motherprayer]

I think it depends on the relationship. My husband has trust issues because of previous relationships. When we first got together, I gave him all my passwords so he could know I wasn't doing anything untoward. Lol I actually offered them, he never asked.

Now about six months in, I was in the process of looking for a job through Craigslist, and he went through my email. He found an email that said "Thank you so much! Let me know when you are available so we can talk!" Because of the way Gmail displays emails, he didn't see the rest of the conversation, where me and this employer had discussed my qualifications and such, and he accused me of cheating on him.

I showed him the rest of the emails, and then told him he was being ridiculous (in so many words), and then changed my password and told him he needed to learn to trust me WITHOUT having access to my stuff.

My girlfriend just had a similar experience with her husband. Her friend offered him a job through a message on Facebook. She asked her husband, and he said find out what the job was about. Right before the interview, he hurt himself, and she sent the guy a message, saying it wasn't that he didn't want the job, but he hurt himself and couldn't perform the duties of the job at the moment.

He read the message, and got angry with her and said she made him look bad. She told him he should have contacted the guy himself, and then he wouldn't have had to worry about what she was saying about him lol

 

[Aibrean]

My husband has all my passwords and I have his. In short, it's for our security we have them in case of some unforeseen tragedy where we need access to certain accounts. We don't really share any accounts, but we can at least access them.

Now would I do that when dating? No.

 

[parsley]

Everyone needs some privacy. If you make decisions based on fear, then you just feed the fears.

I never asked for my kids' passwords, and only have one of dh's passwords because he doesn't use it and I need it for administrative purposes.

Keep a notebook of passwords in case you are in the hospital and your family has to run things for you.
There are better things to do with your time than obsess over what the other person is doing.

If you cheat, it's not because someone didn't have enough access or control over your life.

Hey Aibrean, sorry to be so dense and not notice you are pregnant! Congratulations! You'll make a great mother.

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

Everyone needs some privacy. If you make decisions based on fear, then you just feed the fears.

I never asked for my kids' passwords, and only have one of dh's passwords because he doesn't use it and I need it for administrative purposes.

Keep a notebook of passwords in case you are in the hospital and your family has to run things for you.
There are better things to do with your time than obsess over what the other person is doing.

If you cheat, it's not because someone didn't have enough access or control over your life.

Hey Aibrean, sorry to be so dense and not notice you are pregnant! Congratulations! You'll make a great mother.

Two REALLY good points made, Parsley. The bold/underline is mine The second point, especially, should be noted. If someone is going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat, sharing passwords isn't going to make someone loyal to you, they'll just find sneakier ways of doing what they're going to do. Until you can learn how to trust someone openly, you should stay single IMO.

 

[parsley]

If someone is going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat, sharing passwords isn't going to make someone loyal to you, they'll just find sneakier ways of doing what they're going to do. Until you can learn how to trust someone openly, you should stay single IMO.

(-;

I went to a wedding once where the groom propositioned me during the receiving line.
You can guess what the marriage ended up like... but somehow the bride saw beyond that and only looked at the love she felt for him.

Marriages are about so much more than feeling in love.

But as for trust, we can discipline our minds to not fly away with the first worry of losing a person. Jealousy and mistrust can grow and become very ugly and domineering.

We have a lot to do in our lives, and the partnership is there to support us and help us keep going in our different directions. If we focus too inwardly relationships, they will get stagnant.

Then all our eggs will be in one basket, and our lives will crumble because we have made that other person our life. Keep your life going... keep enough autonomy that you will be strong enough if something bad comes up. It is your own strength and God's... your grounding that will help you survive a storm, not a well-policed household.

 

[BFine]

For me, I had no reason to share my passwords with my "boyfriend" before we got
married-- he lived nearly four thousand miles away in another country.

Being married (IMHO) means you don't hide things from your spouse -- our
passwords to online accounts are written down in notebooks and kept in our respective computer drawers.
These drawers don't have locks and either one of us is free to access
those notebooks.

 

[He Saved Me]

I do not think there is anything wrong with sharing passwords. I've given my husband mine on a number of occasions and he has done the same for me. I have nothing to hide - I'm pretty boring.
If people are going to do things they should not be doing, they will find a way.

 

[krugerpark]

millions of people out there starving and millions here that need to hear the gospel... and you're concerned with passwords

 

[HIS Geeky Girl]

 

[Aibrean]

millions of people out there starving and millions here that need to hear the gospel... and you're concerned with passwords

Don't belittle or judge. If you don't want to present an answer, don't post. I think this is a perfectly sensible and current question as passwords affect much - including ones financial access. It's called stewardship.

 

[pgp_protector]

If they could remember my Passwords without writing them down (voiding the security of the password) I wouldn't mind them having them at all.

But my main account passwords tend to be along the lines of -> kDmV8ZBF0svuGNo9AyKtr80hd

 

[Soverinth]

Here's my opinion. I would only do it if you know strongly in your heart that they are not someone who would back-stab you or do something on your account that shouldn't be allowed. I know your supposed to be true to each-other in the marriage but you would be surprised how many spouses have used this route as a ways to get revenge. As long as you two have a profound trust in each other, go right ahead, you shouldn't have anything to hide from them. Just be careful. I agree with pgp xD. Even if i did let people know my password it would be interesting to see if they could remember the random passwords I have.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For me, I had no reason to share my passwords with my "boyfriend" before we got
married-- he lived nearly four thousand miles away in another country.

Being married (IMHO) means you don't hide things from your spouse -- our
passwords to online accounts are written down in notebooks and kept in our respective computer drawers.
These drawers don't have locks and either one of us is free to access
those notebooks.

That is how I should have worded it. Being married means you don't hide things from each other. If we are to love our spouse like Christ, by hiding things from our spouse it would mean then we would be ok hiding things from Christ. Granted we can't hide anything from Christ obviously. But point remains you can't hide things and yet claim to be honest with each other.

I think especially in America where we tend to be paranoid about stuff, the first thing we do is freak out when a loved one asks for our password. In other countries I don't notice couples being so paranoid about letting their other half have the password. Or as said above more so being able to access their stuff.

 

[jminnesota]

once your married i feel its ok to share passwords for e mail and bank stuff etc. i mean your married to eachother after all what do you have to hide??

 

[TravelerFarAwayFromHome]

So this is sort of a multi-part question about passwords when it comes to dating (or engaged...even married). Theres alot of views on this and I am curious on everyone else's views. If you are dating/engaged should you have access to each others facebook profiles, emails...etc? What if you are married? Is this about honesty or trust?

Some say if you love someone and trust them then you don't need their passwords. My problem is for what is the big deal with sharing your password with someone you are with? If you have nothing to supposedly hide why not share it? Some say its also an issue of privacy. But as christians a couple becomes one right? You share everything. So why would passwords be diffrent? I mean going to the bathroom is one thing in terms of privacy, but not sharing your password is not. Most importantly I ask what about being honest as christians? Can you say your being honest if you refuse to give your password to the person you are with? Also would it fall under selfishness to not give it? Of course one could reverse and say its selfish to ask for it. Despite the fact a couple is to share everything and be honest.

In today's world of technology there are many routes to cheat on someone. And even among christians the rate of cheating is high thanks to technology. Which is why I feel most don't want to share their passwords. Because even if they aren't cheating, their other half might see things about them they didn't want them to know (old conversations, talking behind their back...etc). And in some cases they might find out they are into something like porn.

Giving your password lets the person look into your past. So maybe if you tend be flirty they can see that and realize the risk level with you goes up higher. Or maybe if you told them your a virgin, but you found an old email where you told someone the sex was great, you know they are lying. Or maybe you claim you are a really good person, but your chat message show you constantly swearing instead. Stuff like that is why password sharing is needed I think.

So for me I never go into the engagement stage of a relationship unless the person is willing to lay all the cards on the table, including sharing their password. Even more so if they are from over seas. It shows to me the person really wants to be honest with you. Granted once your married I don't think you may need to know the passwords really since you took the final step already which means you trust them (marriage). Unless of course you have proof that something is going on that isn't right such as finding your spouse with condoms in their pocket while they "go to work".

So what are peoples views? Whats right and whats wrong? Where does being a christian play into this in terms of honesty?

This subject is brought up because a couple I know split because of many lies she found once she figured out his password and seen he was cheating on her.

i actually think sharing password with your loved ones ( in this case, significant others) could strengthen the trust hence the relationship itself

that said, it depends on the kind of passwords you are talking about.

password to emails etc etc yes

password to bank account, well, i would have to say no. As even though God intended marriage to be forever, we are all imperfect human beings....

Also the state of the relationship matters as well

if you are engaged, i would definitely say no

only if you are married, then it might be a different matter, but it still depends on how well you know your spouse.

also bear in mind these days, identity theft is getting more and more common, giving someone free access to your email could be potentially very dangerous.