SHOULD MY GIRLFRIEND MEET MY KIDS?

[CODad77]

Hello there! I'm a single 40-something year old unmarried father from Colorado with 2 kids (15 and 12 years old, boy and girl) and have been divorced for 9 years. My kid's mom has been remarried for 6 years, so the kids are very well adjusted to me being single and their mom and step-dad being married. In other words, they have no hopes for their mom and I getting back together.

I've been communicating with a woman (who I met on-line) from Canada since early January 2020. We met in-person twice for a total of 3 weeks. She has never been married and has no kids, so we're hoping the long-distance will be shortened and we'll eventually live in the same town.

The question I have is when is the best time for me to introduce her to my kids? They have been aware of her since we started dating but I've been hesitant to have her meet my kids. Although we are in a committed relationship, we have only been officially in contact since January 2020. I don't want to bring my girlfriend into my kid's lives, only for us to break up. It would be like putting my kids through another divorce. I also don't want to get really close to engagement and then introduce my girlfriend to my kids, only to find out that they don't get along.

I heard from a wise person once that he waited 8 months before introducing his son to his girlfriend. It gave their relationship time to flourish and grow. To me, 8 months is a bit too long and since every situation is unique, I don't want to stick to a certain time period. In my unique circumstance, my girlfriend has only visited me once and we are uncertain when she'll be back in town. Would it be appropriate to introduce her to my kids since she'll be leaving town soon?

I try to view things from her perspective and it would be tough to not spend time with me while I'm with my kids. Here she is, traveling to Colorado to see me but we have to be apart whenever my kids are with me.

An introduction to my kids wouldn't be like everyone spending the entire day together, it would only be a walk or my girlfriend coming over to my place to play games or everyone having dinner together. I think my kids and girlfriend should be involved in the relationship early-on so they can discover if they get along. Because I have kids, the relationship and interaction between them and my girlfriend is paramount to the foundation of a possible future blended family.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you do it? What rules did you put into place to encompass everyone's feelings, points of view and contribute to the forward progression of the relationships? What didn't work? Is there anyone else you know who went through this kind of situation?

Thank you for your comments!

 

[Albion]

Oops. I mistakenly thought this was the Christian Advice forum. My apologies.

 

[Elliewaves]

Um, probably not until this Coronavirus thing blows over. If she's in Canada, I don't think she can even travel to see you as the borders are closed to non essential travel. Perhaps you can introduce her via a Zoom meeting! If she's currently in the US with you, I don't think she can travel back to Canada so she's likely there for quite awhile, but I wouldn't be meeting with her and then going back to your home where the kids live. Consult a doctor as to how this would even happen with social distancing.

 

[timothyu]

I would advise you not get ahead of yourself. A two month relationship is hardly stable. Also consider the fact you haven't settled on a mutual town or gone through the logistics involved which may create problems between you. Throw in the travel bans and lock-downs coming, there is hardly any reason to rush this. The kids are also at an age where the adversity is about to kick in. As much as you might hope this could go smoothly there are a lot of things to consider right now without complicating the situation with impulse. I would suggest giving the kids a chance themselves to mull over how they would feel about a significant person to come into their lives just to have that person leave them once again. Make them aware a breakup is a possibility. All the best in your endeavour.

 

[SkyWriting]

Hello there! I'm a single 40-something year old unmarried father from Colorado with 2 kids (15 and 12 years old, boy and girl) and have been divorced for 9 years. My kid's mom has been remarried for 6 years, so the kids are very well adjusted to me being single and their mom and step-dad being married. In other words, they have no hopes for their mom and I getting back together.

I've been communicating with a woman (who I met on-line) from Canada since early January 2020. We met in-person twice for a total of 3 weeks. She has never been married and has no kids, so we're hoping the long-distance will be shortened and we'll eventually live in the same town.

The question I have is when is the best time for me to introduce her to my kids? They have been aware of her since we started dating but I've been hesitant to have her meet my kids. Although we are in a committed relationship, we have only been officially in contact since January 2020. I don't want to bring my girlfriend into my kid's lives, only for us to break up. It would be like putting my kids through another divorce. I also don't want to get really close to engagement and then introduce my girlfriend to my kids, only to find out that they don't get along.

I heard from a wise person once that he waited 8 months before introducing his son to his girlfriend. It gave their relationship time to flourish and grow. To me, 8 months is a bit too long and since every situation is unique, I don't want to stick to a certain time period. In my unique circumstance, my girlfriend has only visited me once and we are uncertain when she'll be back in town. Would it be appropriate to introduce her to my kids since she'll be leaving town soon?

I try to view things from her perspective and it would be tough to not spend time with me while I'm with my kids. Here she is, traveling to Colorado to see me but we have to be apart whenever my kids are with me.

An introduction to my kids wouldn't be like everyone spending the entire day together, it would only be a walk or my girlfriend coming over to my place to play games or everyone having dinner together. I think my kids and girlfriend should be involved in the relationship early-on so they can discover if they get along. Because I have kids, the relationship and interaction between them and my girlfriend is paramount to the foundation of a possible future blended family.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you do it? What rules did you put into place to encompass everyone's feelings, points of view and contribute to the forward progression of the relationships? What didn't work? Is there anyone else you know who went through this kind of situation?

Thank you for your comments!

Meeting them on the first date is best. That's always been my experience.

 

[TassiaNico]

A physical meeting shouldn't happen now because people should be isolating from coronavirus. You wouldn't want someone to get sick as a result of travel.

I would recommend giving yourselves more time before introducing your girlfriend to your children. You've only recently met this woman and most or all of your communication has been online. You don't know each other well yet, and you don't know where the relationship is headed. It would be better to wait until you've both grown more comfortable with each other and grown more connected. Otherwise, your children might meet her and become attached only to lose her, or have a difficult adjustment when she wasn't going to stick around anyway. You should tell them you're chatting to a lady online and give them some information about her if they ask, but save the meeting until you're sure she's the one.

 

[E.C.]

The question I have is when is the best time for me to introduce her to my kids? They have been aware of her since we started dating but I've been hesitant to have her meet my kids. Although we are in a committed relationship, we have only been officially in contact since January 2020. I don't want to bring my girlfriend into my kid's lives, only for us to break up. It would be like putting my kids through another divorce. I also don't want to get really close to engagement and then introduce my girlfriend to my kids, only to find out that they don't get along.

First and foremost wait until after we adjust to whatever normal we'll be living in after the coronavirus.


I'd have to say you definitely want to be in the same area first. Online long-distance relationships are nice and all, but when you finally meet in person things can change. You also want to have a bit more time in the relationship as well.

I met my stepmom when I was ten, parents had been divorced since I was six, and my dad had had a few ladyfriends prior. I think two that were serious-ish before my stepmom, but we only ever met one of them. I met my then-future-stepmom about a year after they had started dating. They were both divorced and even though her daughters were grown up, they both made the decision not to introduce my stepmom to us until they knew that their relationship was actually going to go somewhere. Part of what helped was that they both lived in the same general area and took the bus to work in Seattle everyday (they initially met on the bus) and spent plenty of time together in person. My stepmom also respected the divorce parenting plan and didn't try to interfere with the arrangements my dad and mom had made; but my stepmom sometimes did pick us up or drop us off to/from places when my dad couldn't because of traffic or whatever reasons. The one thing she wouldn't do is pick us up from our mom's house because, well, my mom was not always pleasant. To anyone.

 

[bèlla]

Two months is a short window especially for someone you met on the Internet. You need time together face to face to solidify your attraction and gauge her character beyond the screen. Everything seems rosy in text, Skype and the telephone.

While it’s important to meet your children if you agree to move forward. I think it’s equally important that she’s proven herself as a worthy companion whose example would be a good influence on your children.

You’ll need to determine if she’s prepared for the demands of parenting and the compromises children bring. She’s accustomed to a different lifestyle and measure of freedom you may not have.

It would be beneficial if she has wise Christian friends with solid marriages whose example she can reference.

~Bella