Should I tell his new girlfriend?

[Penguin87]

Hi everyone

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 3 months ago, we were together for 2 years. He is 44 years old and has had about 15 long term girlfriends over the years and multiple other "flings".

I think he has Aspergers (a form or high functioning autism), we were seeing a couple therapist who wanted him to go for an Aspergers assessment, but he refused which is why we broke up (we argued a lot because our brains work differently & I was hoping an assessment would help us understand how we think differently and improve our communication) He is a lovely guy but he doesn't understand emotions terribly well & he is critical & gets annoyed easily & then he ends up saying hurtful things to his girlfriends.

He has recently been sending me very confusing mixed messages, he says he wants to marry me, but he needs to date other girls to make sure that I am the right one (I know it sounds crazy, but his brain is wired differently & to him it makes perfect sense!)

Anyway, he has now started going out with a new girl, I don't know her, but she seems like a beautiful daughter of God. Only 2 nights after he had been on a date with her & after telling me that he has started a relationship with her, he tried to kiss me!

What do I do? Should I warn this girl that he is very complicated & that she will most likely end up getting hurt? (When he first met her, he was not very keen on her, he only started going out with her because he had no other option!). Should I tell her that he has Aspergers? Should I tell her that he tried to kiss me even though he has started a relationship with her?

We are no longer in contact. I have been in contact up until now to try to stop him from starting another relationship. He has this pattern of failed relationships & he has left a trail of broken hearts behind him & it's not good for him or for the new girl

Surely he has to be stopped? Surely it is not fair that he treats God's daughters like this?! He is also a Christian and he ought to know better! He is very charming and intense at first & you fall head over heals in love with him because he is so attentive, but then when he has you hooked, he becomes critical & gets annoyed. A characteristic of Aspegers people is that they can't see the consequences of their actions, so he does not understand that he should not be "using" girls like this! He does not understand that he will most likely also hurt her too! Surely she deserves to know all of this?

But then I will look like the psycho ex?

It's so terrible! It's like I'm watching a car crashing into a solid brick wall at high speed & I can't do anything about it!

Please let me know your thoughts!

 

[Poppyseed78]

That's a tough situation. Truth be told, I would stay out of it. If you tell her, she might not believe you and actually attach herself to him even more, just to spite you. Also, she would probably tell him, which would inspire him to contact you, which defeats the purpose.

I don't think it's your responsibility to warn her. She is an adult who can make her own decisions. I hope that she doesn't end up hurt. What he's doing is wrong - pursuing you while dating her. I get the impression he is only with her to make you jealous. You deserve better, and so does she. Also, I don't buy Asperger's as an excuse for why he claims he has to date other women to make sure you're the one. It sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can find someone else who treats you with respect. If at age 44 he still hasn't learned, then I wouldn't hold my breath on that.

 

[bbbbbbb]

It is time to leave him alone. Cut it off with him. He will not change and you don't need to be dragged down with him. As for her, it is none of your business to intervene. Did anyone warn you about him? If they had would you have acted any differently?

 

[Tull]

He is 44 years old and has had about 15 long term girlfriends over the years and multiple other "flings".

A real keeper

I think he has Aspergers (a form or high functioning autism),

Or perhaps he just knows how to play women

He is a lovely guy but he doesn't understand emotions terribly well & he is critical & gets annoyed easily & then he ends up saying hurtful things to his girlfriends.

Sounds wonderful

He has recently been sending me very confusing mixed messages, he says he wants to marry me, but he needs to date other girls to make sure that I am the right one (I know it sounds crazy, but his brain is wired differently & to him it makes perfect sense!)

Speechless,but I would love to hear how he convinced you of this.

A man who provides copious amounts of drama will never lack a woman,the one thing most women will not tolerate is boredom,if you are not dysfunctional in some way and cannot provide emotional episodes of some sort from time to time you will be boring.....and alone.

 

[kevintri99]

you can only help when asked to help. the other girl has to travel that road.

Hi everyone

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 3 months ago, we were together for 2 years. He is 44 years old and has had about 15 long term girlfriends over the years and multiple other "flings".

I think he has Aspergers (a form or high functioning autism), we were seeing a couple therapist who wanted him to go for an Aspergers assessment, but he refused which is why we broke up (we argued a lot because our brains work differently & I was hoping an assessment would help us understand how we think differently and improve our communication) He is a lovely guy but he doesn't understand emotions terribly well & he is critical & gets annoyed easily & then he ends up saying hurtful things to his girlfriends.

He has recently been sending me very confusing mixed messages, he says he wants to marry me, but he needs to date other girls to make sure that I am the right one (I know it sounds crazy, but his brain is wired differently & to him it makes perfect sense!)

Anyway, he has now started going out with a new girl, I don't know her, but she seems like a beautiful daughter of God. Only 2 nights after he had been on a date with her & after telling me that he has started a relationship with her, he tried to kiss me!

What do I do? Should I warn this girl that he is very complicated & that she will most likely end up getting hurt? (When he first met her, he was not very keen on her, he only started going out with her because he had no other option!). Should I tell her that he has Aspergers? Should I tell her that he tried to kiss me even though he has started a relationship with her?

We are no longer in contact. I have been in contact up until now to try to stop him from starting another relationship. He has this pattern of failed relationships & he has left a trail of broken hearts behind him & it's not good for him or for the new girl

Surely he has to be stopped? Surely it is not fair that he treats God's daughters like this?! He is also a Christian and he ought to know better! He is very charming and intense at first & you fall head over heals in love with him because he is so attentive, but then when he has you hooked, he becomes critical & gets annoyed. A characteristic of Aspegers people is that they can't see the consequences of their actions, so he does not understand that he should not be "using" girls like this! He does not understand that he will most likely also hurt her too! Surely she deserves to know all of this?

But then I will look like the psycho ex?

It's so terrible! It's like I'm watching a car crashing into a solid brick wall at high speed & I can't do anything about it!

Please let me know your thoughts!

 

[rubyinprogress]

Some of what you describe sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder than Aspberger's.

As for your poll tell her if she asks, but if not, leave it alone. Just out of curiousity, how did he explain his string of failed relationships to you when you first started dating him?

 

[Greg J.]

In my unknowledgeable and biased opinion, the best two choices you have are (1) tell him that you will never marry him and to stop contacting you (perhaps phrased a little more nicely), or (2) pursue marriage and require that he stop seeing anyone else for the rest of his life.

However, from some of the things you said, I agree with the other posters [my (1), above]. However, we don't know many details of the situation (such as your personalities or love). Seek the Lord for a good husband rather than just looking for the "right" person.

Oh, and it would be a valuable skill for you to learn how to accurately identify when something is your responsibility and when it is not. Study the Bible for that. Tip: the authority to do something, the power to do something, and the responsibility to do something always go hand-in-hand when it is from God. Do you have a place of authority in her life? Or his?