Should I stay with him or move on?

[mspagev]

Hello all,

I'm new here and I'm not sure where to post this question so I thought this would be the best forum to ask for wisdom. I am 26 and my fiancé is 29. He is a wonderful man and does treat me very well. This is my first relationship by the way. Long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged after almost 4 months of dating and been together for almost 8 months now. When we first met, I knew that he wasn't a strong Christian and that he had a colorful sexual past but he said he's not in the lifestyle anymore and he's trying to get himself back into church. We connected really well and I decided to give this relationship a shot. Early on, I was trying to break up with him because I wasn't sure if he was serious about his walk with God and I really want to be with someone who can lead me spiritually. I know that when someone's been out of church for a while, it's hard for them to get back in so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I do encourage him to go to church and read the Bible here and there because I don't want to be pushy. If anything, I want him to come to terms with it on his own.

Before getting into the relationship, he also knew that I was saving my first kiss for my future husband at the alter. Not because it was the "right" thing to do but I wanted to do it because I didn't want it to lead to other things. He did pressure me into kissing him and I gave in. Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex. At the beginning, it was difficult for him to understand why I didn't want to do it anymore because no one has ever put those kinds of boundaries on him and he didn't think anything was wrong with it. We almost broke up in order for the Lord to convict him on the area of sexual purity. Even now, we are still struggling with it and we've had multiple conversations about it but keep falling.

It is not all his fault because in this situation, it took two to commit sexual immorality. I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times. I am sorry towards myself because sexual purity was something that I've always wanted to strive for and I let myself down. I am sorry towards my fiancé because I have involved another person's heart and emotions when I knew that this was not a relationship I would've gotten into in the first place. But because I let my emotions and feelings of wanting to be in a relationship consume me, I got into it without praying about it. I feel deep sorrow and regret my decisions because I knew better.

I'm torn on how to handle this situation because I don't know where to go from here.To be honest, it would be easy for me to sweep these feelings under the rug and hope for the best just because I'm engaged and a wedding is naturally to follow. I do love and care for him a lot and I know he feels the same way too.

Is there anyone who has ever been in a similar situation that can offer wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

 

[Albion]

I haven't been in that situation, but some elements of your story probably apply to most of us. I would say that your fiance is not unusual nor does it appear that he has intentionally deceived you, etc. Sex is a powerful force and temptation. But neither is he willing or able to abide by the standards you set out.

Consequently, I would recommend you reassert them and plan on a long engagement (and possibly a break-up at some point) while holding fast to your policy of no sexual activity. I would definitely not recommend hoping for the best in this case.

The reason I would not say to break it off immediately is because you cooperated in breaking your own rules, so we cannot put everything on him.

 

[mspagev]

I haven't been in that situation, but some elements of your story probably apply to most of us. I would say that your fiance is not unusual nor does it appear that he has intentionally deceived you, etc. Sex is a powerful force and temptation. But neither is he willing or able to abide by the standards you set out.

Consequently, I would recommend you reassert them and plan on a long engagement (and possibly a break-up at some point) while holding fast to your policy of no sexual activity. I would definitely not recommend hoping for the best in this case.

The reason I would not say to break it off immediately is because you cooperated in breaking your own rules, so we cannot put everything on him.

Thank you for your suggestion. I too, think it would be a good idea to have a longer engagement to see if we can work out these issues.

 

[Chris V++]

I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times.

If you broke God's heart I'm sure He is heartbroken only for you for the pain, guilt, and remorse you are feeling. You are already forgiven.

'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.'

 

[mspagev]

If you broke God's heart I'm sure He is heartbroken only for you for the pain, guilt, and remorse you are feeling. You are already forgiven.

'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.'

Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.

 

[Take Heart]

Personally sis, i dont think that he is God's best for you. You long to have someone spiritually lead you in the future as your husband. Already you have compromised in the area of purity. I think it is a blessing that you are not married yet and still have a chance to break things off. I suggest waiting for someone who is mature in their faith and is born-again and is actively and intentionally pursuing Jesus. It is not fair to you to be unequally yoked with someone who is not a believer and does not have the same convictions you have and is unable to lead you as a husband to Jesus. He should be pushing you TOWARDS Christ, not away from him. You need to stand firm in your convictions. I believe that the Holy Spirit is alerting you to these red flags which is why you feel uneasy. He may be nice and loving but you will save yourself a lot of heartache down the road when both of your beliefs clash. I also think 4 months was way too early to be engaged. It is very hard to discern someones character and beliefs and morals in such a ahort amount of time. This may not be what you wanted to hear. And to be honest, this is all coming from a place of love and even experience. While i have not been engaged, i have been a close friend with someone who is an unbeliever who i had feelings with and visa versa but later found out was not a Christian even though he claimed certain things. Our beliefs often clashed. It was very draining and exhausting. You cannot work this out with him. Let God be God and his Savior and work out all those issues in his heart. We cant fix them or change their attitudes and minds about certain things like purity, etc. I know both of you are responsible but on his end, he is carnal and is unable to grasp, without being saved and having the Holy Spirit to convict him, of spiritual matters that we as Christians are aware of and are sensitive to by the working of the Holy Spirit. Please highly consider, for your spiritual welfare, of breaking off the engagement and waiting for God's best. God will not present you a man who is not a born again Christian and who does not pursue Christ daily.

 

[Sketcher]

So, how's he been doing with church and discipleship? Is he pursuing that on his own, or are you prodding him to walk with God, dragging him along?

I ask because you said that he was "trying to get himself back to church" at the beginning of your relationship, and you were saving your first kiss for the altar at the beginning of your relationship. You moved toward him on that since then. Did he move toward God since then? How close to God has he gotten? What evidence of repentance have you seen in his life?

 

[Albion]

Take Heart makes a good point. While the purity issue is the most talked about part of this problem, you said you want someone who will lead you spiritually. It looks unlikely that he is the kind of person who will ever take on that role, even if he is sincere about being again a practicing Christian.

So, a long engagement would be called for if everything is working well, but I would resist giving it forever to develop in the direction you are hoping for.

 

[Brightmoon]

Hello all,

I'm new here and I'm not sure where to post this question so I thought this would be the best forum to ask for wisdom. I am 26 and my fiancé is 29. He is a wonderful man and does treat me very well. This is my first relationship by the way. Long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged after almost 4 months of dating and been together for almost 8 months now. When we first met, I knew that he wasn't a strong Christian and that he had a colorful sexual past but he said he's not in the lifestyle anymore and he's trying to get himself back into church. We connected really well and I decided to give this relationship a shot. Early on, I was trying to break up with him because I wasn't sure if he was serious about his walk with God and I really want to be with someone who can lead me spiritually. I know that when someone's been out of church for a while, it's hard for them to get back in so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I do encourage him to go to church and read the Bible here and there because I don't want to be pushy. If anything, I want him to come to terms with it on his own.

Before getting into the relationship, he also knew that I was saving my first kiss for my future husband at the alter. Not because it was the "right" thing to do but I wanted to do it because I didn't want it to lead to other things. He did pressure me into kissing him and I gave in. Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex. At the beginning, it was difficult for him to understand why I didn't want to do it anymore because no one has ever put those kinds of boundaries on him and he didn't think anything was wrong with it. We almost broke up in order for the Lord to convict him on the area of sexual purity. Even now, we are still struggling with it and we've had multiple conversations about it but keep falling.

It is not all his fault because in this situation, it took two to commit sexual immorality. I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times. I am sorry towards myself because sexual purity was something that I've always wanted to strive for and I let myself down. I am sorry towards my fiancé because I have involved another person's heart and emotions when I knew that this was not a relationship I would've gotten into in the first place. But because I let my emotions and feelings of wanting to be in a relationship consume me, I got into it without praying about it. I feel deep sorrow and regret my decisions because I knew better.

I'm torn on how to handle this situation because I don't know where to go from here.To be honest, it would be easy for me to sweep these feelings under the rug and hope for the best just because I'm engaged and a wedding is naturally to follow. I do love and care for him a lot and I know he feels the same way too.

Is there anyone who has ever been in a similar situation that can offer wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

. I think the important questions here are do you love him ? Does he love you ? Do you get along about other things ? Can he wait until marriage and if not what’s he doing with the frustration ? And does he understand and care how important this is to you? You’re asking questions that arent significant to YOUR relationship instead of dealing with it .

 

[vinsight4u]

deleted

 

[thecolorsblend]

Hello all,

I'm new here and I'm not sure where to post this question so I thought this would be the best forum to ask for wisdom. I am 26 and my fiancé is 29. He is a wonderful man and does treat me very well. This is my first relationship by the way. Long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged after almost 4 months of dating and been together for almost 8 months now. When we first met, I knew that he wasn't a strong Christian and that he had a colorful sexual past but he said he's not in the lifestyle anymore and he's trying to get himself back into church. We connected really well and I decided to give this relationship a shot. Early on, I was trying to break up with him because I wasn't sure if he was serious about his walk with God and I really want to be with someone who can lead me spiritually. I know that when someone's been out of church for a while, it's hard for them to get back in so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I do encourage him to go to church and read the Bible here and there because I don't want to be pushy. If anything, I want him to come to terms with it on his own.

Before getting into the relationship, he also knew that I was saving my first kiss for my future husband at the alter. Not because it was the "right" thing to do but I wanted to do it because I didn't want it to lead to other things. He did pressure me into kissing him and I gave in. Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex. At the beginning, it was difficult for him to understand why I didn't want to do it anymore because no one has ever put those kinds of boundaries on him and he didn't think anything was wrong with it. We almost broke up in order for the Lord to convict him on the area of sexual purity. Even now, we are still struggling with it and we've had multiple conversations about it but keep falling.

It is not all his fault because in this situation, it took two to commit sexual immorality. I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times. I am sorry towards myself because sexual purity was something that I've always wanted to strive for and I let myself down. I am sorry towards my fiancé because I have involved another person's heart and emotions when I knew that this was not a relationship I would've gotten into in the first place. But because I let my emotions and feelings of wanting to be in a relationship consume me, I got into it without praying about it. I feel deep sorrow and regret my decisions because I knew better.

I'm torn on how to handle this situation because I don't know where to go from here.To be honest, it would be easy for me to sweep these feelings under the rug and hope for the best just because I'm engaged and a wedding is naturally to follow. I do love and care for him a lot and I know he feels the same way too.

Is there anyone who has ever been in a similar situation that can offer wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

It's not okay to be physical with each other before the wedding, as you obviously already know.

But something to keep in mind is that these days it's not the norm to wait. People struggle with that. Clearly your fiancee is having a hard time. Your fiancee is having a difficult time with this. He should respect the boundaries but this could easily be the very first time he's ever had to control his urge if you know what I mean. It's a big adjustment if somebody has never had to do it before.

If you two love each other and if this is likely to become a problem between the two of you, you may want to get married as soon as possible so that you can, y'know, enjoy being married. A prolonged engagement may not be for the best in this case.

Good luck!

 

[paul1149]

Going to church is a good thing, if done for the right reasons. But people will do a lot of things in order to win a mate, and going to church to get the girl is one of the all-time classics. The problem is, once the girl is won, the outer trappings of religion too often fall away.

The issue is not church attendance, per se, it is whether he is consecrated to Christ. If he is, that will show over time in his decisions. It has to, because the Holy Spirit is "jealously" working in everyone who is His. If he is not consecrated, IMO you should not be in a serious relationship with him. Marriage is out of the question with a unbeliever.

To a great extent, this relationship has not been good for you, as it has caused serious compromise. But it has not been good for him either, if the importance of purity has been obscured.

If you want to convince Father that this relationship is something He should bless, I would suggest you make sure that your dealings with the young man actually benefit him spiritually. Hebrews 13 tells us marriage should be honored and the bed undefiled. That means no sex outside of marriage. So it's either get married - which doesn't seem possible if I understand the young man's spiritual state correctly - or get to a safe distance where you can handle the temptation and restore your own integrity. Sometimes drawing distinct lines is exactly what is needed to show the other person the importance of the root spiritual issue. Other times, doing so reveals that the other person doesn't really have your best interests at heart.

 

[Deidre32]

I think if it's one or two ''mistakes,'' it might be one thing, but if someone is consistently causing you to stumble in your faith, then likely, they don't care about your faith walk...and don't wish to have a faith walk of their own. We are all sinners, but if you have made it crystal clear as to how you view this, and he keeps tempting you and himself, then it might be time to move on.

 

[jkjk]

People constantly show us who they really are, but we ignore it, because we see who we want to see and who we want them to be.

I would advise you to pray deeply and honestly reflect on who your fiance has shown himself to be. And then consider if that is who you can trust to walk with you along the path you wish to walk.

People do change, but human nature resists change. You cannot count on someone becoming who you want them to be.

 

[eleos1954]

Hello all,

I'm new here and I'm not sure where to post this question so I thought this would be the best forum to ask for wisdom. I am 26 and my fiancé is 29. He is a wonderful man and does treat me very well. This is my first relationship by the way. Long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged after almost 4 months of dating and been together for almost 8 months now. When we first met, I knew that he wasn't a strong Christian and that he had a colorful sexual past but he said he's not in the lifestyle anymore and he's trying to get himself back into church. We connected really well and I decided to give this relationship a shot. Early on, I was trying to break up with him because I wasn't sure if he was serious about his walk with God and I really want to be with someone who can lead me spiritually. I know that when someone's been out of church for a while, it's hard for them to get back in so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I do encourage him to go to church and read the Bible here and there because I don't want to be pushy. If anything, I want him to come to terms with it on his own.

Before getting into the relationship, he also knew that I was saving my first kiss for my future husband at the alter. Not because it was the "right" thing to do but I wanted to do it because I didn't want it to lead to other things. He did pressure me into kissing him and I gave in. Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex. At the beginning, it was difficult for him to understand why I didn't want to do it anymore because no one has ever put those kinds of boundaries on him and he didn't think anything was wrong with it. We almost broke up in order for the Lord to convict him on the area of sexual purity. Even now, we are still struggling with it and we've had multiple conversations about it but keep falling.

It is not all his fault because in this situation, it took two to commit sexual immorality. I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times. I am sorry towards myself because sexual purity was something that I've always wanted to strive for and I let myself down. I am sorry towards my fiancé because I have involved another person's heart and emotions when I knew that this was not a relationship I would've gotten into in the first place. But because I let my emotions and feelings of wanting to be in a relationship consume me, I got into it without praying about it. I feel deep sorrow and regret my decisions because I knew better.

I'm torn on how to handle this situation because I don't know where to go from here.To be honest, it would be easy for me to sweep these feelings under the rug and hope for the best just because I'm engaged and a wedding is naturally to follow. I do love and care for him a lot and I know he feels the same way too.

Is there anyone who has ever been in a similar situation that can offer wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

Walk your walk with the Lord. He may or may not choose to walk that walk but you should proceed in that manner. Hoping for the best? You and He need to know.

Temptation ... be careful about that

Matthew 5:28
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

What is it he is thinking? What is it you are thinking? in regard to whatever "boundaries" you have set for yourself.

Does the Lord say "the boundaries you (both of you) have set forth are in line with His?, or is it I've/We've decided how much I/we can probably get away with? Questions both of you need ponder and put forth to each other.

Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex.

Pray about it ... may He lead you through His written word. Amen.

God Bless.

 

[Soyeong]

Hello all,

I'm new here and I'm not sure where to post this question so I thought this would be the best forum to ask for wisdom. I am 26 and my fiancé is 29. He is a wonderful man and does treat me very well. This is my first relationship by the way. Long story short, my fiancé and I got engaged after almost 4 months of dating and been together for almost 8 months now. When we first met, I knew that he wasn't a strong Christian and that he had a colorful sexual past but he said he's not in the lifestyle anymore and he's trying to get himself back into church. We connected really well and I decided to give this relationship a shot. Early on, I was trying to break up with him because I wasn't sure if he was serious about his walk with God and I really want to be with someone who can lead me spiritually. I know that when someone's been out of church for a while, it's hard for them to get back in so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I do encourage him to go to church and read the Bible here and there because I don't want to be pushy. If anything, I want him to come to terms with it on his own.

Before getting into the relationship, he also knew that I was saving my first kiss for my future husband at the alter. Not because it was the "right" thing to do but I wanted to do it because I didn't want it to lead to other things. He did pressure me into kissing him and I gave in. Since then, we've been physical with each other in terms of foreplay but not actually having oral or penetrative sex. At the beginning, it was difficult for him to understand why I didn't want to do it anymore because no one has ever put those kinds of boundaries on him and he didn't think anything was wrong with it. We almost broke up in order for the Lord to convict him on the area of sexual purity. Even now, we are still struggling with it and we've had multiple conversations about it but keep falling.

It is not all his fault because in this situation, it took two to commit sexual immorality. I am sorry for breaking God's heart and knowing full well what I was doing but not caring enough to stop a lot of the times. I am sorry towards myself because sexual purity was something that I've always wanted to strive for and I let myself down. I am sorry towards my fiancé because I have involved another person's heart and emotions when I knew that this was not a relationship I would've gotten into in the first place. But because I let my emotions and feelings of wanting to be in a relationship consume me, I got into it without praying about it. I feel deep sorrow and regret my decisions because I knew better.

I'm torn on how to handle this situation because I don't know where to go from here.To be honest, it would be easy for me to sweep these feelings under the rug and hope for the best just because I'm engaged and a wedding is naturally to follow. I do love and care for him a lot and I know he feels the same way too.

Is there anyone who has ever been in a similar situation that can offer wisdom? I would really appreciate it!

Hello,

To use an analogy, it is far better to have a mechanic to do preventive maintenance and your car to keep it running smoothly than to have a mechanic repair your car after the engine has broken. In the same way, it is better to have a marriage counselor do preventative maintenance on your relationship even when everything is fine in order to give you tools to help it stay fine then to have them repair your relationship after it has broken. So I always recommend people to go to Christian pre-marriage counselor even when things are going fine, but especially when there are issues that could become problems. There are many issues that they can help guide you through that are useful to discuss beforehand so that you're on the same page instead of needing to make a decision quickly while under pressure.