Hi Everyone.
I don't expect a simple answer from anyone but I've done so much praying and talking to others that are married or divorced but am still very confused. I'm trying to be patient and wait for God's answer, but thought that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to start a new thread and see what other married individuals thought of my current state.
My husband and I will have been married for three years in the fall. We have a daughter that's almost two.
My husband and I met and fell very much in love and got married. The first 2 1/2 years of our marriage (so mostly up until about six months ago) we've had such rocky times. My husband refused to work even 40 hours a week when we first got married. I was pregnant two months after we were married and we were barely making ends meet - something I definitely didn't sign up for, especially when I was working. Should I have known better? Of course. My husband then started working much more and when we tried to get a new, better, family friendly rental home or apartment to live in, we couldn't because there were five pages of delinquent accounts on his credit score. This was a big deal because I'd asked about it before we got married, and by "it" I mean finances. We had a conversation about honesty (duh) and I tried to move forward. We were able to get into an apartment later. Luckily our landlord was understanding when we had a cosigner. Six months later I was really trying and thought he was as well to make our marriage all it could be. I was trying to do my best to get closer to God and be a good wife all while being good mother. I'm also a student in college now. We were in the process of planning a vow renewal type thing since we had gotten married legally but not yet in front of our friends and family. I was really thinking of it as a new beginning. In the process of that, he left his phone with me one night (he worked overnights at the time) and I'd seen he was looking up pictures of naked women. A lot of men do it, yes. But I obviously don't believe in doing it even though I know it's said to be natural. My husband swore up and down, cried and said it would never happen again. After that, he had talked to me in really demeaning ways. I told him I truly had considered divorce about six months ago. Since then, he's tried to be responsible, attentive, etc.. But I just don't know if I can forgive the dishonesty. I don't know if this is what God wants for me. I love my husband obviously. If I didn't, we wouldn't still be together. I really need some insight for myself and my daughter's best interest. He's a wonderful dad but I really want her to see a healthy and happy marriage. I'd really appreciate it.
Firstly,
I feel your pain. We do not have children but I am currently separated from my husband. I first decided that I should have that talk with him long years after I had suggested marriage counseling. Like you, we too started having troubles shortly after what for us was a traditional family wedding. When I made that suggestion though he said, go ahead.
As if it was all on me.
We've been together now for 27 years. I've been married almost longer than I was single. It's amazing what you discover about someone when you marry them and are together with them day in and day out.
Unlike you, we do not have children. Praise God. That would be way too much to put on them given what's transpired these near three decades.
OK, here is my thoughts based on my experience after reading your sharing of where you're at in your marriage. Not an advice column just talking out loud.
For a marriage to work you have to like each other first. If the like isn't there where does the love blossom from?
Then of course with like, friendship first, there is that innate need for trust. If I don't trust you how can I like you? How can I like myself if I live with what I don't trust? I'm expected to close my eyes and become unconscious in sleep for a great many hours beside this person in the bed we share. If I don't trust them to speak to me truthfully how do I trust them about anything else with me? Including my body.
My husband didn't have naked women on his phone. But then again I didn't check his phone. But if he did so and he didn't lock his phone I'd think he didn't care if I found those women should I have had need to use his phone. And what kind of women were they? inappropriate content site women? Or everyday women making a selfie? If it's a selfie we've got real issues. Because that means she , they, know my husband well enough to get naked and transmit adult material across the net onto his iPhone.
Yes, that's a very serious talking point. And since I can guarantee hubby didn't weep like a baby when he opened that sent file, I sure know he's weeping now like a little kid because as kids will do, he got caught being naughty. And wanted to get out of trouble.
His, "I swear I'll never do it again!", for me, is empty. Because when we made those vows to each other the idea of that adultery was a, NEVER, from the moment he said, "I do."
But he did. And he lied about it. I know this because he kept it a secret on his phone that he didn't lock. Which is like not locking my house or car. Careless? Or, just don't care if someone comes on in? Or maybe it was to send a message to me should I look in the phone.
See honey? You don't look like this! I like how this looks. I clearly want this because she, they, are naked and many. On my phone.
What's to do with those images on a phone anyway? Yes, there's a visual in my imagination I could do without. Too late.
First thing that comes to mind when I see those pictures, or read of your having seen them, is Matthew 5:27 and 28.7 “You have heard that it was said, ‘
Do not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
And just as if my man laid his hands on another woman for sex so too has he laid his eyes on her with the lust for sex. And besides, when a woman sends my man naked pictures, if that is what they were and not captures from some inappropriate content site, which are said to often contain all sorts of computer virus and Trojans to mess up a computer or phone, what is her point? Sex! Seduction! Temptation!
And he kept the pictures. Every single one. From more than one woman.
That's the first step to physical adultery. Look but not touching. Look enough and passion and desire , craving, to touch isn't far behind. Otherwise, what's the point of having strange women's naked pictures on your phone? When you have a wife at home.
Others.
That's what.
Another woman that isn't the wife.
That's what.
And how do I know he hasn't slept with them? If these aren't inappropriate content captures? Because there are even inappropriate content sites that are hookup sites. You look. And then you can meet.
I grew up in a dysfunctional house. To this day I am repelled by screaming voices. Even loud voices at a certain pitch makes me cringe and remember my childhood. When mom would try to talk to dad. And he'd sit in the living room that wasn't really full of a happy life at all and turn the TV volume up to drown her out. While she sat in the kitchen speaking loud hoping to be acknowledged.
Rarely happened.
My point being, my parents stayed together because of the kid. Me. Their only one. And when I turned 18 and was able to get out on my own, which I did a year later, they'd both given up on a life of their own. They were resigned to their life as a couple that would never divorce. And they hated each other.
Only after dad had died did I learn he had affairs. And one bastard daughter to show for it. Someone I never knew about until I was in my 30's. Because he'd sworn my husband to secrecy while he was alive. It would have killed mom. Or maybe he was afraid she'd kill him.
The thing about that really dysfunctional relationship was, they made the biggest mistake of their life and mine. Staying together as a couple that didn't like each other, didn't trust each other, didn't love each other, but lived under the same roof going through the motions of family and home. Because they thought they had to for the sake of keeping a family model active for the child.
Who picks up on the dysfunction. Who hears the screaming to be heard even after she's gone to bed. Who watches the coldness between them. No touching, no hugs, no kiss. Barely ever , " I love you ". Save on occasion greeting cards when it was expected to give them to each other. Keeping up appearances. My folks were big for that.
"What will people think?"
The mom mantra that stymied in its background audio the great joys I was going to express in my childhood. Jubilant, joyful, happy, expressive. Hushed! "What are you doing? Stop that! What will people think? "
Funny isn't it? Worried about what people will think when seeing us as a family out in public. While behind the door of our home no one could see what was so very miserable, betrayed without knowing it , and hate filled.
My mom was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma shortly after my dad was diagnosed with his own liver cancer. She worked as a nurses aid until she couldn't anymore. When dad was diagnosed she gained strength and took care of him even when he entered into a hospice program at our house.
A year and three months after he passed she did too. Even when she was beyond help she asked her best friend if she should get more chemo. Because she was afraid of how I'd take it when she died. Being I'd suffered a lot when my grandparents, her parents, were killed when I was but a small child. She didn't want to break my heart leaving me without parents.
It makes me cry all these years later to write that. Thinking how she was so stoic and resigned to stay with a man she didn't like or respect. Just for my sake. She didn't want to break a home apart or break my heart. And me? I just thought our home life was normal. Role models. Even when it is dysfunctionality leaves an impression that lasts because it is hardwired into the youngest psyche.
The Bible says God is OK with divorce in the case of adultery, being one spouse is an unbeliever, or even if you're so miserable you just can't stand your life.
The most sacred responsibility you now have is that of a parent. Your allegiance is first and foremost to that life you brought into the world.
People stay in dead relationships for the sake of the child. As one of those I'll tell you it was the biggest mistake they ever made. They died hating their life. But they loved me.
I personally think they deserved better for themselves and each other. Because I'm all that's left now and I departed from my husband when I had a good long look at us. No adultery that I know of. And realized, we were the living copy of my parents.
Even inheriting the house our bed fit and could only fit on the same spot as had been theirs.
When we stopped talking. When he ignored me and preferred TV it hit me like a ton of bricks. When he became infatuated with inappropriate content and hid DVD's under his side of the bed, I was mad. But I stayed. Until years later when I did that inventory of us and self.
Now we're separated. Trying on life married but States apart. Free to be each other alone and away from the chaos and vacancy that was there when we were together. No contact. No intimacy. No trust. He actually told me once years ago that he didn't trust me. "But when you think about it very few people deserve respect!" . He excused that after he also said he didn't respect me.
No communication.
Where is there like then? Where can love blossom? After it died under so many words, behaviors, indifference. When you don't look at the one you're married to when they speak to you, or when you talk, it's telling them they're not there. And you're just saying words.
Whatever you do, take this to God in prayer. Think about your child. When kids grow up in dysfunctional families they are impressed by the role models they've witnessed. Because parents example how life is suppose to be and how kids are suppose to behave. How then can a child not copy mom and dad when they're adults on their own?
It is long said, girls look for their dad in a husband. Boy's look for their mom in a wife.
When you think of you and your feelings and future in this, which is paramount as a matter of self-respect, think of that about your child. Your little girl.
Would you want her to marry a boy just like daddy?
A man who promises he'll never do "it" again after he's been caught at it is lying. Because if he was able to tell the truth when he said he'd be monogamous to his wife at the altar, there would never be an 'it' to apologize for. Because "it" would never cross his mind. His wife would. His honor would. His child would. His future would.
I'll never do it again.
My dear, you were never suppose to do it in the first place. But you did. Knowing the whole time you had a wife who it would hurt. And a child who would be hurt because mommy is hurt that daddy betrayed her. Even if she isn't told about it she'll see the tension.
And now you say he's verbally abusive? Your child hears that too. Love doesn't speak hateful words. He's getting you back because you caught him betraying you.
He's telling you now in words what naked strange women told you from his phone.
God protect you and your child. And if he's open to it, bring your husband to repentance.[/QUOTE]
