Should I speak to my father again?

[derpytia]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

 

[Another Lazarus]

As God still gives mankind a chance to repent.....

 

[derpytia]

As God still gives mankind a chance to repent.....

I am about as good at deciphering what exactly you are trying to convey in this answer as The 12 were at deciphering Jesus' parables at first...

 

[YesMe]

If God has the mercy to forgive each one of us for every sin we make, even the worst of us He forgives, why can't you forgive your father? Remember, the world killed the only Son of God, it was not a fast death but a very painful one, even more, Jesus took all the sins of the world upon Him, at that moment He said "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" God was not anymore with Jesus at that moment, He showed us His humanity.I am in the same situation, my father was/is a person who drinks as much as he can, my childhood is full of fights and many other painful things... but you know, I understood and I understand, he is the one who needs help, he is the one trapped in the cage created by his addiction to alcohol.The anger, the hate, I know all these feelings, sometimes I feel the rage to tell him how much he made me to suffer.. but I am being silent, I know that hate brings more hate.. If God firgives me for all my sins, why can't I forgive my father? I am one who made many mistakes, can't I understand one who has mistakes too? Yes, of course!

 

[paul1149]

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

Forgiveness is not dependent on the other person. Some people, for instance, will never acknowledge they did wrong. If we're waiting for them to change we will wait a long time. Even with them, if we withhold forgiveness we carry that weight around with us, dragging us down spiritually. The Lord has commanded that we forgive. Check out the parable in Mat 18, where the servant is forgiven a great debt, but then won't forgive a small one. That's what our issues look like in light of the Cross, where Christ gave so much for us. When we forgive, we honor what Christ did.

Jesus also says forgiveness must be from the heart, which means it has to be real. But in that light, we should understand what forgiveness is not, as well as what it is. It is not saying that nothing wrong happened. It is not saying it doesn't matter, or that harm wasn't done. It is not saying you have to reconcile with an unrepentant. Reconciliation is built on trust.

The ideal is that the other person repents and begins to rebuild trust, but even if that doesn't happen we need to forgive.

So I would say, forgive your dad in your heart. By doing so, you will release yourself from the pain and bondage of what he did. You will begin to have more peace. Do it now, without waiting on him.

Then you can decide how to deal with him. Maybe you do need to confront him on what he did. I tend to think so. But you will do it from a better place, one of peace, and your peace and equilibrium going forward will not depend on his response.

Forgiveness and getting free is often a process, so be persistent and patient with yourself, both. A good first step is to get to the place where you wish no harm on the offender. When resentment crops up, and it most probably will, keep swatting it down before it turns to anger (Titus 2: say No to ungodliness; 2Cor 10: take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ; Eph 6: put on the full armor of God; etc).

And when we get free, from that place of victory we often have the best chance of helping others get free.

 

[RaymondG]

Spiritual answer:
The Father in heaven will not forgive you if you do not forgive your neighbor. How many times you should forgive? 70*7. God forgave us a big debt......If we (like the man in the parable) refuse to forgave others of a smaller debt, God will remove our forgiveness and lock us up until we repay our own debt in full. Forgiveness is very important in our walk with the lord. Consider yourself un-forgiven, until you are able to forgive all.

Natural Answer:
Holding anger and grief inside is very detrimental to your health. Forgiveness can save your life! I would suggest doing it for you and not your father.....It will be one less thing to feel emotional pain for. He wronged you not the other way around....if anyone should be feeling bad inside about it, it should be him and not you. So go ahead and relieve yourself of the pain and stress that his actions caused you and put it all back on him.....by forgiving him. You will feel 100% better afterwards.....and will add a few more years to you life.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

You might want to consider talking to an experienced pastor or Christian counselor to get some insight into this. When we are hurt and betrayed by a close family member (especially a parent), it can be devastating and leave a lot of spiritual and emotional wounds that need to be healed. Sometimes it is purely a matter of working at forgiveness on our parts, but sometimes God needs to do some healing work inside of us before we are capable of forgiving completely. Sometimes this type of situation can leave a lot of unhealthy baggage and lies inside of us (Things like "I caused part of it." "I'm not worth loving", "People cannot be trusted", "I cannot depend on anyone"). Often we need God's light to shine into our hearts and show us things that need to be healed or changed. When these wounds and lies are embedded into our hearts, no matter how much we try to ignore them, they'll come bursting out unexpectedly as things remind us of them. From what you write, I don't think that this is only a matter of trying harder to forgive (and being a bad Christian if you cannot do it successfully on your own), I think it might also be a matter that God wants to heal and release you from some emotional and spiritual bondage that is weighing you down.

Healing and forgiveness are separate from any reconciliation or trust. Also, reconciliation and trust are largely dependent on the other person having changed. If your father has not changed, it makes it very difficult if not impossible to complete normalize relations. However, once some healing and forgiveness have occurred in your heart, you will be in a much better position to discern how much restoration of relationship is possible. It's also possible that you will see your father in a new light in his flaws, wounds, and struggles that makes forgiveness easier. It's possible he's had a life long struggle with some (figurative) demons (that few people know about) that largely destroyed his life and drove away people he cares about.

I have a friend who (I learned via her testimony in church) that was molested by her father for over a decade when she was a child and young teen. Many years later (as an adult in her 30s or 40s I think), God started dealing with her to heal these very deep wounds. It took some time and a prayer ministry in our church (associated with transformationprayer.org) was instrumental in God healing her and releasing the burden she had carried for so long. Of course, not all parental situations are this extreme. But, hurt and betrayal from a parent in any form can cause some deep damage in our hearts that God needs to heal.

 

[Maria.V.H]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

I´m so sorry you have to go through this, and i know what it feels like. Most users can not see they have a problem, they act like your dad, acting like everything is alright and that is very confusing and hurtful because that means that he does not recognize your pain at all or his actions. This is the disease and this is why so many people are codependant making excuses for the users because they are masters of manipulation, that is a part of their illness. No matter how much we should forgive others we should also look after ourselves. It is of no use if we become ill mentally because someone is hurting us, and we can easily become ill when people overstep our boundaries. Everything in life has to do with responsibility, we all have to take it. I would say talk to your dad, tell him how you feel, or write it in a letter, he needs to know how you feel. Of course we should give people chances and forgive, but it goes two ways, your dad has to know your limits too and what his lifestyle has done to you, i don´t think you can have a relationship if you don´t talk about it, the hurt will always stand in the way.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

The Lord says in the Bible that He's the Father of the Fatherless...Psalm 68:5.
And that believers be a child of God...Galatians 3:26-27; a believer's identity
is that they be a child of God.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

Lay it down young lady... all you can do is forgive your father.
Sure you could go and tell your dad about how you feel about him but
he's not clueless, I'm willing to guess he's a been told off by a
lot of other people over the years.
Your father was told off by the judge...what's changed since
that happened? Nothing...and you can no doubt kiss the child support
money he owes you all good-bye if you haven't done it already.

You are 24 years old and you work a job.
Your heavenly Father is always for you.
He never will leave or abandon you.
His Word will sustain you...so cleave to The Word and to God.
Give all anger, disappointments to the Lord and ask Him to help you
to forgive your father for not being the father that you wanted and needed.

Don't miss the opportunity to witness!
Look at your earthly father clearly and honestly...he's a man who needs the
Lord, so return his calls and talk to him about Jesus.
As a matter of fact, any time your father calls you, talk to him about attending
church with you, reading the Bible, repentance/and or getting saved etc.
In this way you show agape to him because his greatest need isn't to be
told off, it's to hear about Jesus, the good news of the gospel.

 

[Apostleoftruth]

Yap you should, for we follow god of love and peace. My advice is you need to forgive him while you had the chance , remember we dont live forever , and remember we are the follower of Jesus which is god of love , so we need to be like Him , killing them with our love. Its not easy i know, despite the bitterness he gave it you , but remember if you choose to follow Jesus, then you know what to do.

 

[discipler7]

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

.
MATTHEW.4:17 = "Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

Repentance comes before forgiveness. Forgive but do not forget. God will deal with the unrepentants, eg ROMANS.12:19-21 & 13:1. Your father needs to repent first before you should forgive him. Similarly, we need to repent first and believe in Jesus the Christ/Messiah before we can enter the kingdom of heaven or be saved from hell when we die.(JOHN.3:16) God-in-heaven does not tolerate the presence of unrepentant sinners/evildoers/law-breakers.(1COR.6:9-11, REV.22:12-15, LUKE.23:43))

 

[Another Lazarus]

Every day people die, young and old even children.

Days of Tomorrow will be our turn to pass away

Ecclesiastes 9:5 For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even their name is forgotten.

Jesus said that everything must pass away, so shall this heaven and earth that we once know.
Matt 24:35 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away
[youtube]

Dies irae
Dies illa
Solvet saeclum in favilla
Teste David and Sibylla

Day of wrath and doom impending,
David’s word with Sibyl’s blending,
Heaven and earth in ashes ending.

Quantus tremor est futurus,
Quando iudex est venturus,
cuncta stricte discussurus!

O what fear man’s bosom rendeth,
When from heaven the Judge descendeth,
On whose sentence all dependeth.

Wont you ever share something good in your short life instead of vengeance ?
Your papa doesnt live forever.

 

[Zatek]

Family has a special place in everyone's life when it follows a biblical design, but family for the sake of family is stupid and often harmful. You shouldn't be giving your family a pass to be in your life if they are a negative influence on you. Family should be adding value to each others lives, not taking it away.

Not knowing you or your father I can't say whether this applies to your situation, but a lot of time fathers just want to reconnect with their children because they feel guilty, not because they have anything to offer their children. You're the child, not the father. It's not your job to be there for him or to help him recover his life, he should have his own father or mentors for that. The father is supposed to mentor and lead the child and prepare them for adulthood. If your father can't even get through adulthood himself, how can he help you? That is why it felt awkward when you met with your father. A father being submissive to his child is just as awkward as a man being submissive to his wife. Women want a husband who is strong and can lead her just like a child wants a father who is strong and can lead.

You should find a strong Christian man in a stable marriage to be your father figure if you feel a desire for one. Someone at the same church you attend would be ideal. The same is best for your father. He needs to find a church and find his own mentor. He shouldn't be looking to his child to help fix his life.

Your father lost his chance to be your father long ago. He can never get that back because you are no longer a child. It's time for him to accept that and move on with his own life. You should not reconnect with him because he's really not your father in any meaningful sense of the work. He had sex with your mother and that it's. He didn't help raise your or guide you through life from what you said. Even if you let him back in your life it will never make things feel "right" because he can never go back in time and be a real father to you.

You should forgive him, yes, but it is best for you two to both move on with your own lives. Him especially, he needs to accept that the past is the past and can never be changed. You will never be a child again so he will never have a second chance to be a father to you. Adults still need mentors, but he's not in a position to mentor anyone it sounds like. He needs to find his own mentor are start letting go of the past and making the best of his future.

 

[Tolworth John]

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

For your own peace of mind you need to meet and talk with him.
He may or may not know of your distress, and I suspect he wants some contact with his child. He may even feel guilty about his behaviour!
Be realistic, you are not going to get any back payments, but you may establish a relationship with your father and gain closure to your hurts/scars and emotion/mental wounds.

That is what you should be seeking.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

Allow and rejoice with God for the prodigal son. Even if, in your case, the prodigal son is your dad. He is someone's son, and that someone is God.

From my own case, I was adopted, and I was unable to stay with my first wife and daughter. Both of them have always been in my heart, however, and I in theirs.

I was fortunate not to be a "deadbeat" (in that way, anyway, lol), as my adopted dad was able to provide money, when I could not.

Still, one thing I will probably never have, as you have, is a father, at all.

Yet, I am a father, and in the not so distant future, a grandfather.

"Sin" to me, is all about simple inaccuracy. As the term implies and means. The grace of God gives accuracy where before there was none. It makes the heart which was stone and "deadbeat" come alive and be a real, living, eternal heart.

I do not see any bad in that, but rejoicing.

My only concern in what you are writing is that maybe he has not yet found life to his heart... as it is with so many, even today.

 

[LoricaLady]

A little background before I state the problem:

My father is the epitome of the term "deadbeat dad" and is an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about 4 years now). He did things that no father should have ever done and is not/never was a responsible or grounded human being. There is a whole list of reasons why he was finally kicked out of our house and lives when I was 8. We even had a restraining order against him for ten years which he violated twice before the judge warned him that if he did it again the order would be extended for life. My father has also not paid off the child support he neglected to pay (all $50,000+ of it) and has no intention of getting a job (he is able bodied, and though he doesn't have a car, his mom drives him everywhere and there is a county bus system) to pay it off.

For the longest time the whole concept of my father was... uncertain because I had no contact with him. And of course like any child without a loving father, I had identity issues at some points and yearned to just... see him while at the same time wanting to stay as far away from him as possible.

And of course there was the anger for all the hurt he caused me as well as the feeling of love that wouldn't go away for the simple fact that he is my father.

A little over a year ago my cousins (who I happily reconnected with a few years ago) were visiting with my father and grandmother and asked me if I wanted to meet with them, my grandmother, and my father outside my place of work during my lunch break. I said yes.

The person my father was at that point was... not exactly what I expected, if I was expecting anything at all. He was cleaner than I remember him being and older and heavier. He acted as if things were okay between us and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He acted as if he has been trying to do better. I... felt pressured into reciprocating. It was still awkward. But he was still irresponsible and told a lot of tall tales. He showed me a tin filled with a few pictures of me as a child and a few newspaper articles from my performances in school throughout the years that he had saved all this time. He gave me candy that he brought for me and then we said our goodbyes.

He and my grandmother met with me a few more times that winter and always with the same results. Them being affectionate with me and me reciprocating but always feeling... off about it.

Then came 2017 and things happened and I spiraled out of control mentally and physically and I'm still trying to recover from it all. I stopped meeting with them. I stopped contacting them. I didn't even explain to him why. I attended a court hearing for the child support he owed and with me right there he gave the judge a bunch of excuses and judge came down on him.

After that I didn't want to talk to him. The anger that I had been feeling all this time at the injustices and hurts dealt to me by my father was sort of dragged to the surface and I know that should I ever see him in person again, I would not be able to hold back tears and anger and stop myself from telling him exactly how he has made me feel for all these years. I don't hate him. But I really am still hurt by the things he did.

He finally called me a few days ago when I was getting ready to go to work and I told him I didn't have time to talk to him. He asked me to give him a call when I can and I said maybe. He has called me twice since and I ignored his calls and let him leave messages. I still haven't called.

I have prayed about this and have found no answer. But I need to make a decision on whether to even speak to him again. I'm not sure if it would turn out well if I spoke to him again. If I did, I'd want it to be in person.

I need to forgive him but for that to happen, I need him to know just how much he hurt me because I don't think he has a clue.

What would be your advice, CF? I'm stuck and I don't want to ask non-Christians because I know many of them would say to not forgive him.

Forgiveness does not imply trust or the need to be abused. Your father is still abusing you.

It sounds like you father is big time into denial. He wants to take your time and attention and get some love, perhaps, but he wants to give nothing in return, particularly an apology and sincere repentance. If he hadn't hurt you so badly it would all be possibly something you could put up, but you have wounds that have not yet healed. He is a major source of stress - totally understandably - to you and that is bad for you physically and emotionally. You tried. But he didn't try back.

i would say just go your own way until you are maybe strong enough some day, through prayer, to deal with him. But really, what do you have to offer him? He doesn't seem to want a real relationship at all, but to play a game, maybe partly to "charm" you out of wanting that child support, but of course I don't know.

He may be a very, very sick person, but you can't heal him. You can protect yourself though.